This just in: Despite years of rumors to the contrary, it is still simply inconceivable that actor/Scientologist John Travolta is gay. True, there is the small matter of him being accused of sexual assault by three male masseurs—the latest being a cruise ship employee... which is especially ridiculous, because what's so gay about "cruising," right? (Ahem.) Nevertheless, Travolta has once again proven his absolute heterosexuality by showing up with longtime heterosexual wife Kelly Preston to tonight's screening of Savages, and posing for photogs with his sweaty lips all over her. THAT is heterosexuality, friend. There's nothing at all gay about repeatedly kissing one's wife in a staged public forum, and besides, if he were gay, why would he star in a film named Savages? "Savage" is the least gay name in the world, and... ahem. MEANWHILE... Dumb sports lummox Kris Humphries, who had the misfortune of being married to gargoyle/harpy Kim Kardashian for a mind-boggling 72 days, thinks he has proof that Kanye West and his wife were sexing around during their marriage. Sources close to the gargantuan sucker said to TMZ, "Kris H told Myla [his current girlfriend], 'If [Kanye] was such a close family friend, why wasn't he invited to the wedding?'" We interrupt this story for a breaking news announcement: Kris Humphries may not be as dumb as he seems.

The incessant rumors about a possible (ugh!) romantic relationship between the beautiful Mila Kunis and the douchebaggish Ashton Kutcher simply won't stop. We reported on their three-day getaway outside of LA, this past spring—however, as of last week the pair has been spotted grabbing frozen yogurt as well as zooming about on his motorized douchebike, while this past weekend they were caught sharing a romantic bite to eat at LA's intimate Giorgio Baldi restaurant. "[Ashton] looked really into her," said a gabby eyewitness to this horrible spectacle. "He didn't take his eyes off her once!" BLECHH!! Quick, Mila! Go take one of those Karen Silkwood showers!

As you surely know, Lindsay Lohan should be trying to play the good girl role after years of rehab, courtroom proceedings, and prison stays—if she knows what's good for her career. And yet? Bitch just can't help herself. LiLo dropped by the Chateau Marmont recently for an impromptu photo sesh with controversial photog Terry Richardson (best known for his creepy sexual shots of celebs), in which she flounced around in underpants, smoked a carton of cigs, and... pointed a gun to her head?? The series of pics were released earlier today on the internet—though the gun shots have since mysteriously disappeared, because... (a) it could be—and absolutely should be—construed as making fun of suicide, (b) potentially devastating to LiLo's already crumbling career, and/or (c) everyone knows that one needs brains if one intends on blowing them out. We'll take "c."

A stand-up-and-clap day for the Obama administration—the Supreme Court gave a thumbs-up to the president's landmark "Affordable Care Act," also sneeringly called "ObamaCare" within Republican circles. The final vote was 5-4, with the normally conservative Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. siding with the liberals—a move that hilariously infuriated many on the right. Here are just a few of the sidesplitting messages sent from irate hillbilly Teabaggers via their Twatter machines: "Thanks Allot CHIEF JUSTICE BENEDICT ARNOLD! #LNYHBT." "Yes, our country DIED today. It will NEVER be the same. I have an option to move to China. I'll be doing some SERIOUS research in the coming months. This is NOT my America!" "Who will step in and stop the rape of Lady Liberty. I think she's had enough. #tcot #ocra #teaparty #lnyhbt #WAR." (Are there any slots open on RuPaul's Drag Race? There are some serious drama queens in this country!) MEANWHILE... If you think things were terrible for all the poor Teabaggers who are now sadly forced to move to China, it was even worse today for CNN and Fox News who sorta accidentally reported that the court struck down the health care law. As the ruling was being read, both news networks shit their pants, and in an idiotic attempt to be "first," jumped the gun, and erroneously reported that the individual mandate was "struck down." Naturally, it didn't take long to realize they were IDIOTS, and then scramble to reverse their original reporting. "Fucking humiliating," said one fucking humiliated CNN reporter to Buzzfeed. "We had a chance to cover it right. And some people in here don't get what a big deal getting it wrong is. Morons." In both networks' defense, they were the "first"—to look like IDIOTS.

Every once in a great while, a story changes gossip columns as we know them—indeed, a story changes the way we look at the world. This is one of those times. "I think every little girl dreams about [her wedding]," Katie Holmes told Seventeen in 2004. "I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise." And that's exactly what Katie did in 2006—making Cruise so happy he jumped on Oprah's couch! There were, however, even then, rumors: That Cruise had offered Katie a "five-year marriage contract" and that Katie had been the "winner" in a Scientology-approved contest to find Tom's new wife. ("Several young women were vetted by the church and 'tried out' as Tom's next wife before Katie Holmes was chosen," Village Voice Editor in Chief Tony Ortega told the Huffington Post.) BUT ANYWAY... Holmes was just 27 when she became the 44-year-old Cruise's bride, just about five years ago now and—hey, look at that! What odd timing. Because Katie Holmes just filed for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences" and asking for sole custody of their child Suri. "Katie's primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter's best interest," Holmes' attorney, Jonathan Wolfe, said. Meanwhile, Cruise's rep released a statement: "Katie has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is focusing on his three children." YESSSSSS. More as this saga continues!

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES. "[Katie's] been miserable for a long time, but the last couple of weeks, she's been happy—like she's been set free," a source gabs to Us. "I guess she can finally be happy again." Cruise, on the other hand, is still Mayor of Mopeytown: "He had no idea this was coming," a source told People. "He's totally devastated and heartbroken." MEANWHILE... TMZ claims to have found the reason for the split. "[Katie] was convinced Tom Cruise was going to send six-year-old Suri away to a hardcore Scientology organization known as Sea Organization... where the highest levels of Scientology are taught and kids as young as five can be sent to live there... without their parents." Okay! That's pretty creepy. But hey, they got out! Everything should be fine as long as Scientology doesn't start spying on them or anything, right?

"Katie Holmes believes Scientology now views her as a threat to the organization and has put a team on her tail," TMZ reports—adding that Holmes' suspicions might be legit. "People who have photographed Katie tell TMZ there have been several 'mysterious' men and vehicles around Katie's apartment and following her when she's out." While Gary Soter, a lawyer for the church, desperately insisted that wasn't the case, we decided to call our own source within the church: Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "OMG ANN, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL!" Klaktu blurted, picking up his holo-phone before it even finished its first ring. "Can you believe.... They seemed so... I do not know how to react, Ann. Tom has not returned my calls, but my main concern is Suri, who, as we all know, shall rise ascendant upon the dawn of Man's Fifth Age to banish the Thetans and rule as Queen of the Alpha Quadrant, as prophesied by L. Ron Hubbard. Oh, I just—I'm sorry, I'm reading as I talk, Ann, I can't keep up—oh! Tom! He's in Iceland? That's no place for him now! He knows my plasma sphere on Rigel VII is his whenever he needs—" WHEN WE FINALLY INTERRUPTED HIM... to ask if anyone from the church was spying on Katie, Klaktu grew indignant, his slime-coated tentacles whipping with a furious anger we hadn't seen since we read him the reviews for Knight and Day. "Don't be insipid, Ann," Klaktu snapped. "Of course they aren't 'spying' on her. They're simply waiting until she's in a suitable location for the Omicron Beta Laser to target her from space, reducing her to a tiny, smoldering pile of ash that shall never be spoken of again." Klaktu cleared his throats and continued. "I'm sorry, Ann—but she signed the contract. She knew the consequences." It's here that we decided to end the holo-call, take a deep breath, and make ourselves another drink. Join us, dears. We all deserve one after the past few days.