MONDAY, JULY 16 Now we're not saying Suri Cruise can control things with her mind—though it wouldn't surprise us if she could. And, if she did have terrifying Carrie-like powers of telekinesis, we're not saying she'd use them to crush her mother Katie Holmes with a garbage truck. We're just going to present you with the following facts, and you can make your own judgment. FACT: Katie Holmes quickly divorced Tom Cruise and took on primary custody of Suri. FACT: As reported last week in One Day, Katie took Suri to a pet store and, according to the Daily News, refused to buy her a Yorkshire terrier, at which point the child threw "what appeared to be a mommy-I-hate-you tantrum in their car as a bodyguard drove them away." FACT: When Tom Cruise visited Suri this weekend, he took her for a private helicopter ride over NYC. FACT: Though formerly home schooled (AKA brainwashed by Scientology), Katie has now enrolled Suri in a prestigious all-girls Catholic school (AKA the only thing worse than Scientology). FACT: Up until this point, six-year-old Suri was quite the mini-fashionista, with a wardrobe reported to be in the $3 million range. She was often seen wearing clothes donated by the finest designers, as well as trotting around in high heels, and even makeup. In an attempt to give Suri a "normal" childhood, Katie has been "returning unsolicited gifts and loans from designers to Suri," and intends on dressing her "like a normal child." FACT: Hours after not receiving a puppy, taking a helicopter ride with daddy, being told she was going to Catholic school, and having her entire designer wardrobe taken away, a "garbage truck rammed into the side of Katie's Mercedes" according to People. Katie was unharmed, but it does beg the question: Did Suri cause this accident to happen with her mind? On behalf of the religion of Scientology, spokesalien Emperor Klaktu of the Rigel VII star cluster had this to say: "Ahem. No comment. Heh. Heh-heh-heh. HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAAAA!!!"
TUESDAY, JULY 17 In other creepy religious TomKat news, a former Catholic school classmate of Katie Holmes revealed to Celebuzz that Katie had a weird fascination with Tom Cruise—years before she even met him. "In religion class, when we were about 16, we would have to say prayers to keep a certain someone safe and out of harm," the classmate said. "Katie would say it for Tom Cruise... she would have said thousands of prayers for him. She also had a secret picture of him hidden inside her textbooks." In a related story, during junior high we kept hidden pictures of George Michael. Katie, we know about disappointment. MEANWHILE... According to the National Enquirer, the church of Scientology has already picked out Tom Cruise's next wife! (That was fast.) Meet 27-year-old Latin beauty Yolanda Pecoraro, who's a devout "Scientology princess, perfect for Tom," and has been in the church since age 13. Tom and Yolanda have allegedly dated in the past, and according to an inside source, "[The church wants] to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom's next wife, they'd certainly want her to have a child soon." "Hold on just one nano-chron!" Emperor Klaktu angrily squealed via intergalactic holotube. "Despite Suri's lack of makeup and designer clothing, she is STILL a byproduct of grand thetan Tom Cruise and his former wife/birthing vessel Katie Holmes! That means Suri is STILL the rightful future Empress of the Universe, she WILL crush our legion of enemies in her tiny grasp, after which she'll RULE the galaxy for 98,000 mega-chrons! And anyone who says differently? I will personally go Game of Thrones on their ass!"
WEDNESDAY, JULY 18 In "gay news": The Boy Scouts of America have reaffirmed their custom of excluding homosexuals from its ranks, calling it "absolutely the best policy" for the group. MEANWHILE... When asked about their company funneling portions of its profit into anti-gay political causes, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy told the Baptist Press, "Guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family—the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives." MEANWHILE... Who wants to dress up as a gay Boy Scout troop and make out in Chick-fil-A restaurants? (Don't order anything, though. Their sandwiches are slathered in hate and mayonnaise.)
THURSDAY, JULY 19 Floridian George Zimmerman, accused of killing unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin, today gave his first interview ever to Fox News (try to contain your shock), claiming, "I'm not a racist, and I'm not a murderer. I feel it was all God's plan." In response to this accusation, God replied, "Wrong on all counts. And isn't Fox News the worst?"
FRIDAY, JULY 20 This morning in Aurora, Colorado, 24-year-old James Holmes walked into a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises. Wearing tactical gear and carrying an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun, and a Glock pistol, Holmes threw a smoke bomb into the theater and started shooting. Twelve were killed and 58 were injured, with those slain ranging from six-year-old Veronica Moser-Sullivan to 51-year-old Gordon W. Cowden. Holmes was arrested in the theater's parking lot; authorities later discovered he had booby-trapped his apartment with explosives. The New York Times reported that Holmes legally acquired the weapons, going online to order "3,000 rounds of handgun ammunition, 3,000 rounds for an assault rifle, and 350 shells for a 12-gauge shotgun. It was pretty much as easy as ordering a book from Amazon." As families remembered those killed—including 27-year-old Alex Sullivan, who attended the screening to celebrate his birthday, and 24-year-old Jessica N. Ghawi, who, a few weeks earlier, narrowly avoided a shooting in a Toronto mall—America's two most prominent politicians weighed in. President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney both mourned the tragedy, though it was New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who actually said something meaningful: "Soothing words are nice, but maybe it's time that the two people who want to be president of the United States stand up and tell us what they are going to do about it." "It seems unlikely," wrote the editorial board of the New York Times. "Just as there was no national dialogue after Columbine or after Virginia Tech or after Jared Lee Loughner tried to assassinate then-Representative Gabrielle Giffords." Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey told ABC's This Week, "I don't know why people need to have assault weapons. There needs to be reasonable gun control put in place." And considering the location of the shooting, the Times ran a piece by Roger Ebert. "Should this young man... have been able to buy guns, ammunition, and explosives? The gun lobby will say yes," he wrote. "And the endless gun control debate will begin again, and the lobbyists of the National Rifle Association will go to work, and the op-ed thinkers will have their usual thoughts, and the right wing will issue alarms, and nothing will change. And there will be another mass murder."
SATURDAY, JULY 21 So here's the weird thing about our job: We get paid to make jokes about celebrities. And people read us because they like to read jokes about celebrities. And so—as weird as it is, considering yesterday's events—that's what we're going to do. Deep breath. Let's start with an easy one: Despite denying they're a couple, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher shoved their tongues down each other's throats this weekend, "canoodling in plain sight, [with] Kunis even flashing a grin toward the cameras," says the Daily News. Hmm. Yep, still weird. Maybe things will be a little better tomorrow.
SUNDAY, JULY 22 Now that's more like it. A trailer for The Master has hit the intertubes, and while director Paul Thomas Anderson insists his new film isn't about Scientology, there are... similarities between Scientology inventor L. Ron Hubbard and Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in The Master (who, totally coincidentally, invents a bullshit cult). For example! In the trailer, Hoffman asks, "Are you thoughtless in your remarks?", while Hubbard wrote, "Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?" "Do your past failures bother you?" asks Hoffman, while Hubbard wrote, "Do your past failures still worry you?" Hoffman: "Is your life a struggle?" Hubbard: "Is your life a constant struggle for survival?" Naturally, we turned to Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu for comment. "Hmm," Klaktu said, watching the trailer on YouTube while using his index tentacle to reference Dianetics. "There might be some slight parallels—but seriously, Ann, let's change the subject. Did you see Tom Cruise in the Jack Reacher preview? He drives a car, fights some dudes? Now that's a trailer! Here, give me your iPad. We're going to watch that instead. I COMMAND IT."