MONDAY, OCTOBER 22

Tonight marked the final presidential debate between President Obama and Mitt "Binder Full of Women" Romney, which may have been a bit nerve-wracking for them—but not nearly as nerve-wracking as it was for Lindsay Lohan, who "live-twattered" the entire event! (By the way, no one asked her to do this.) "OMG it is HAPPENING!!!!!!!! The Final Debate!!!!! I'm so nervous!" twattered Lohan, also known as the "Walter Cronkite of her generation." Whether making erudite observations ("1920s, 1950s.... ITS ALL THE SAME, History repeats itself.... Only if you let it") or giving shoutouts to her friends and the educational system ("@SarahKSilverman Teachers are the BEST!"), Lindsay somehow held it together until the end, when she supplied the encouragement both candidates were undoubtedly yearning for. "Nice work to both @BarackObama and @mittromney... i'm so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety-God Bless xo L." In response, Jack Dorsey, the man who invented Twitter, had this to say: "Okay, so maybe this Twitter thing wasn't such a good idea." MEANWHILE... Yesterday was a day of international mourning, because (of course) it was Kim Kardashian's birthday. The aging, wrinkled, cellulite-covered monstrosity celebrated her special day with mentally deranged boyfriend Kanye West in Rome, where they dined at a romantic restaurant, and... wait... she changed her outfit halfway through the meal?!? "Mid-dinner [Kim's] driver came into the restaurant with a huge carrier bag and dress carrier.... When she came in, she was wearing a long black dress, but then she left wearing a green outfit." GUYS. Before jumping to any conclusions, we're siding with Kim on this one. Think about it: She's now an ancient 32 years old—and sometimes when you're elderly, your colostomy bag leaks. Be polite, and look the other way.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23

Blast from the past! Longtime readers of One Day will remember Sam Lufti—the so-called "Svengali" who was managing Britney Spears during her now-famous psychotic break of 2007-2008. After a long vacation from the public spotlight, he's back and suing both Spears and her parents for libel and breach of contract—and he took the stand today to tell his "version" of events. Lufti is now claiming he wasn't the evil, drug-pumping influence people made him out to be, and in fact was trying to get Brit off drugs... even going so far as to hire drug-sniffing dogs and flush a bag of white powder (which his lawyers claim was meth) down the potty. Mama Lynne Spears has accused Lufti of being a terrible influence who discouraged Brit from contacting her family, and perhaps even drugged her food. Meanwhile Lufti claims that Papa Hillbilly Spears threatened his life, sending a text message that said, "If and when I met u one thing is going to happen I am going to jail and u r going to the hospital." We find this claim suspicious, because (1) hillbillies have yet to conquer texting technology, and (2) the spelling is too accurate. However, there might be some truth to Lufti's testimony—at least in regard to the infamous Britney head-shaving incident. "Someone told her they can scientifically test her hair for a history of drug use," Lufti testified, "so she shaved it off." Now that sounds believable. Because (3) hillbillies will believe anything.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24

R.I.P. Steve Honig, Lindsay Lohan's publicist from 2010-2012. (No, he's not actually dead—however, he did decide to quit before Lindsay could kill him.) While Honig also represents other walking trainwrecks such as Courtney Love and Brooke Mueller, Lohan was just too much for even a seasoned bullshit spinner like him to bear. In the scant two years he was with Lindsay, Honig handled her numerous car accidents, thievery accusations, romantic traumas, health scares, jail/rehab visits, and random insane quotes made on social media, as well as Lohan's equally insane family members. Again, rest in peace, Mr. Honig. May you never have to spew so many lies again. (Now... anybody want Honig's old job? Anybody? Hello? Is this thing on?)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25

We're still dumbstruck by last weekend's inconceivable wedding between Justin Timberlake and a bar of soap (okay, fine... the admittedly gorgeous but extremely boring Jessica Biel). And despite the glaring oversight of not being invited to the ceremony, at least we can claim we were in somewhat good company. While Justin's former *NSYNC boy bandmates JC Chasez (the other handsome one) and Chris Kirkpatrick (the dopey-looking one) were invited, no invitations were sent to either Joey Fatone (the geriatric Frankenstein one) or Lance Bass (the gay astronaut one). "Justin thought a reunion would overshadow the wedding," says a snoopy pal to Us magazine. "And Justin hates Lance now." WHAT. Justin hates Lance? (That's like a jar of mayonnaise hating a slice of white bread.) That settles it! Justin has the worst taste in women, bandmates, AND gay white bread!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26

Yesterday Usher bought a puppy for $12,000. UGH. Rich people, right? Okay, fine, there's (a little) more to the story: It was at a charity auction in New York, and Usher was merely continuing his vicious blood feud with an unnamed family. "At last year's gala event, the singer tried to take home a puppy at auction, but was outbid by a family who eventually named the pooch 'Usher,'" reports peoplepets.com, an entire website from People that focuses solely on pets. (Other stories include "Happy Howl-o-ween! Fun & Furry Trick-or-Treaters" and "Justin Bieber Has a Tour Hamster." MOVING ON.) "Usher looked thrilled, throwing his hands up in the air to celebrate," peoplepets.com continues. Congratulations, Usher! You just expressed 1,000 percent more joy than most celebrities do when they have their first child!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27

"Until 2010, federal law barred companies from using corporate money to endorse and campaign for political candidates—and that included urging employees to support specific politicians," the New York Times reported this weekend. "But the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision has freed companies from those decisions, and now several major companies have sent letters or information packets to their employees suggesting—and even explicitly recommending—how they should vote." Take David A. Siegel, for example, chief executive of Westgate Resorts, who told his 7,000 employees, "The economy doesn't currently post a threat to your job. What does threaten your job, however, is another four years of the same presidential administration. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, as our current president plans, I will have no choice but to reduce the size of this company." Other threats have been sent to employees from the reprehensible likes of Georgia-Pacific and Cintas. "I really wanted them to know how I felt four more years under President Obama was going to affect them," Siegel explained to the Times. "It would be no different from telling your children: 'Eat your spinach. It's good for you.'" Wow. Okay, that's it. Everything is officially the worst it has ever been.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28

Hurricane Sandy barreled toward the Eastern Seaboard today, threatening deadly weather and massive damage. As residents in some of America's most densely populated areas stocked up on non-perishable food, filled their bathtubs with water, and prepared to last for who knows how long without power, officials were already counting on federal disaster relief from FEMA and warning those in the hurricane's path to evacuate and expect worst-case scenarios. SPEAKING OF FEMA... So remember in 2011, when Mitt Romney was desperately clawing his way toward being the Republican presidential nominee, spouting all sorts of radical right-wing ideology to win over the wingnuts? Turns out Mitt had a few thoughts about FEMA! "Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that's the right direction," Romney lied at a Republican debate, casually blowing off an agency that has sometimes been all that stands between life and death. "And if you can go further," Romney continued, "and send it back to private sector, that's even better." "Including disaster relief?" asked moderator John King. "We cannot afford to do these things without jeopardizing the future of our kids," Romney replied. "It is simply immoral, in my view, for us to continue to rack up larger and larger debts and pass them on to our kids, knowing full well that we'll all be dead and gone before it's paid off." Or, you know... dead and gone NOW. Because there wasn't any federal disaster relief. MEANWHILE... And as we fill our bathtub with the second-biggest martini we've ever made—just in case—we'll leave you with some advice from One Day at a Time Meteorological Correspondent Lindsay Lohan. "WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i'm calling it Sally)..?" LiLo tweeted. "Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace." Oh, dammit. We just ran out of olives.