MONDAY, MAY 6
Tonight marked one of the biggest social events of the year: the Met Gala, which is hosted by Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour and provides Hollyweird stars with the opportunity to make high-profile asses out of themselves. FOR EXAMPLE: This year's theme was "Punk: Chaos to Couture" in which celebs such as Beyoncé, Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift, and the universally hated Anne Hathaway dyed their hair funny colors and wore clothing that would be laughed out of any respectable moshpit. But the worst dress of the night came courtesy of (surprise!) Kim Kardashian who arrived dressed as a floral sofa. Fun Fact: Last year, Kardashian was banned from the gala (for obvious reasons), but this year Wintour allowed her attendance. BIG MISTAKE, ANNA! (Unless you were hoping Kim would provide extra seating for the guests.) HOWEVER: The best-dressed award went to Nicole Richie whose white floral dress, offset by striking makeup and blue-gray hairdo inspired Rihanna to post the following review on her Twatter machine: "This bitch makes me throw up!" (Apparently that's a compliment?) MEANWHILE... Well, well, well... look who crawled out from underneath his rock—cheating piece of crap Tiger Woods accompanied by gal pal Lindsey Vonn. You'll be happy to know Tiger spent the evening looking uncomfortable, getting drunk, and tripping UP a flight of stairs. (Heh, heh, hehhh.) AND FINALLY... Second most despised person on the planet Gwyneth Paltrow issued the following review of the Met Gala to USA Today: "It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all." "Good to know," thought organizer and career maker-and-breaker Anna Wintour. "I'll see you in the garbage dump—sitting on that grotesque floral sofa Kim Kardashian."
TUESDAY, MAY 7
Last night—while Kim Kardashian was imploring Met attendees to stop sitting on her—four kidnap victims who had been held against their will in a Cleveland home for an average of 10 years were finally released. Former bus driver Ariel Castro is being charged with rape and kidnapping in the abductions of Amanda Berry (held 10 years), Gina DeJesus (nine years), and Michelle Knight (11 years). Castro is also being charged with the kidnapping of Berry's daughter (now six years old)—which DNA tests later proved was Castro's daughter as well. (EEEEEEEEK!) And things only get worse from here, dears—so feel free to jump to the next story, or bury yourself in a well of despair... the choice is yours. TERRIBLE: The women reportedly endured beatings, rapes, and spent considerable time tied up in ropes or chains. TERRIBLE: Berry's baby was born in an inflatable children's swimming pool, and Castro threatened to murder the mother if the child died. TERRIBLE: Knight told police Castro starved and punched her in the stomach—acts that eventually led to five miscarriages. TERRIBLE: According to authorities, Castro wrote a lengthy note that blamed the women themselves for being abducted. The only good news? Prosecutors will probably seek the death penalty.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 8
It couldn't happen to a nicer guy! Sentencing was scheduled to take place today for unrepentant asshole and Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, who's looking at five years in prison—once again for being an unrepentant asshole. Francis was convicted Monday on three counts of false imprisonment, one count of dissuading a witness to file a police report, and one count of assault stemming from a January 2011 incident, in which he lured three women back to his gated home. The victims told police Joe got violent when he tried to drag one woman away from the group, and then grabbed another by the throat, slamming her head four times into the tile floor. As they were escorted out of the house, Joe said he wouldn't pay for the women's cab ride home if they contacted the police. (Normally, we despise the death penalty... but this week? There's not enough of it to go around.)
THURSDAY, MAY 9
In somewhat lighter news, Lindsay Lohan is in rehab! Again! Like for the fifth time? As reported last week in One Day, Lindsay skipped out of the Morningside Recovery center to go electronics shopping at Fry's (no, we're not kidding). Minutes before an arrest warrant was issued, Lindsay fired her terrible lawyer Mark Heller and rehired her previous, awesome lawyer Shawn Holley, who wrangled a quick deal for her to attend the Betty Ford Center—which LiLo apparently hates and can't wait to escape from. (In this one case? We're going to say abduction is A-okay!)
FRIDAY, MAY 10
Last week, dears, we crowned Robert Downey Jr. as "the Greatest Person Who's Ever Lived (or at least he comes in a close second after George Clooney)." Today we offer proof from YA writer Dana Reinhardt, who, as @lettersofnote tweeted on Twitter, recounted taking her elderly grandmother to an ACLU event in the early 1990s. When her grandmother tripped on a ramp, Reinhardt remembers, "The volume of blood was staggering." Reinhardt found herself overwhelmed—but one hero rushed into action! "That person was Robert Downey Jr.," Reinhardt wrote. "He ordered someone to call an ambulance. Another to bring a glass of water. Another to fetch a blanket. He took off his gorgeous linen jacket and rolled up the sleeves and he grabbed hold of my grandmother's leg, and then he took that jacket that I'd assumed he'd taken off only to keep it out of the way, and he tied it around her wound.... He knew, instinctively, how to speak to her, how to distract her, how to play to her vanity. He held onto her calf and he whistled. He told her how stunning her legs were." Later, when she was taken away by ambulance, he told her "she was breaking his heart by leaving the party so early, just as they were getting to know each other. He waved to her as they closed the doors. 'Don't forget to call me, Silvia,' he said. 'We'll do lunch.'" Fifteen years later, Reinhardt saw Downey in a restaurant. "I just wanted to thank you," she told him. "And I wanted to tell you that it was simply the kindest act I've ever witnessed." AND THEN? "He stood up and he took both my hands in his and he looked into my eyes and he said, 'You have absolutely no idea how much I needed to hear that today.'" ROBERT DOWNEY JR.: THE GREATEST PERSON WHO'S EVER LIVED. BAR NONE.
SATURDAY, MAY 11
"I'm going to get in trouble but I'll just tell you," comedian Margaret Cho told an audience during a recent show. "John Travolta is so gay." The bisexual Cho—who was in Face/Off with Travolta—added, "He's not just gay. He doesn't just like men. He is like Oscar Wilde gay... like Lord Byron gay. That kind of crazy, incredibly flamboyant gay.... I feel bad for him, because I know he would be much happier if he could just come out. But he can't." In other words, no new news today, dears. Moving on!
SUNDAY, MAY 12
Happy Mother's Day! Let's have a parade! Oh, wait. Today an annual Mother's Day parade in New Orleans ended when "gunmen fired into the crowd, striking 19 people, including two children," according to WWLTV News. Question, America: So apparently we're okay with paying a Kindergartner Tax so we can keep shooting our guns... but will we be okay paying a Mom Tax? (Answer: Yes.) IN OTHER NEWS... Oh, will you idiots stop already? "To promote its premiere of the new Iron Man movie, a theater in Jefferson City, Missouri, hired several people to dress in full tactical gear and storm the screening with fake weapons drawn," Gawker reports. Reminiscent of The Dark Knight Rises shooting in Aurora, Colorado, last July, the event... didn't go over well. "It's the opening night of a superhero movie, it's somebody walking in all-dark clothes, everything pointed to bad things about to happen," said Capt. Doug Shoemaker. Theater manager Bob Wilkins didn't regret his stunt. "My job is to entertain people," he told a local TV station, admitting "a few" patrons got upset. MEANWHILE... Sorry, it's just a lousy news day: According to Deadline, there's going to be a movie based on Medieval Times, the restaurant chain that (A) features jousting, wenches, and gross chicken, and (B) was, sadly, one of the first places Hubby Kip took us on what he considered a "date." As Kip will no doubt take us on a "date" to see Medieval Times: The Movie!, all we're hoping is that a bunch of knights don't show up wearing all-dark armor and storming the theater with swords drawn.