MONDAY, MARCH 3
Is the violent, abusive Chris Brown following in the footsteps of Amanda Bynes and actually coming to terms with his psychological issues? According to court documents obtained by TMZ, an official from the rehab where Chris was staying explained the singer's past behavior thusly: "Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder (Bipolar II), severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating [We're guilty of that one!—Ann], and untreated PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)." While the official didn't elaborate on the cause of Brown's PTSD, he does describe how Brown has changed now that he's taking the proper medication, saying that Chris has performed admirably while in rehab, tested negative for drugs, learned "various relaxation exercises," and was "beyond exemplary in regard to his community service responsibilities." Need more proof that Chris might be a changed man? Former girlfriend Rihanna and Brown's arch-nemesis Drake have recently been spotted all over Europe getting touchy, feely, AND tongue-kissy. Brown's reaction according to TMZ? He's "fine with it." WHAAAAAAT? Doctor, we'll have whatever he's having! SPEAKING OF POSSIBLE MENTAL ISSUES... Pop/country star Taylor Swift has filed a restraining order against a fan who believes the two are married, and vows to murder anyone who gets in their way! According to court documents, superfan Timothy Sweet has been dogging TSwift since early 2011, sending her a tsunami of lovesick messages including, "My wife, Taylor Swift (Sweet) and I live in Beverly Hills. I am in love with her. I will carry a gun to protect her the rest of my life." Yep, that's a bit troubling... but there's more! Sweet also wrote, "If anyone in Taylor Swift's family gets killed, it is not my fault." (We have a hard time believing that.) But perhaps most troubling? THIS: "Dearest Taylor, I'll kill any man who gets in the way of our marriage. Message to John Kerry, Secretary of State." Uh-oh. Better send a quick Twatter to Mr. Kerry! "@JohnKerry stay in Middle East, trouble back home! Mr. Taylor Swift is MAD. #SheNotWorthIt."
TUESDAY, MARCH 4
It looks like former Disney princess Selena Gomez is finally over her ill-fated Justin Bieber obsession! Not only was she photographed tipsy and snuggling at the Vanity Fair Oscars party with Spring Breakers co-star Vanessa Hudgens (a picture Hubby Kip keeps taking into the bathroom with him EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING), earlier in the evening she was spotted laughing off the douchebaggy advances of Bieber. JB instagrammed a photo of Gomez in her post-Oscars gown, captioning it, "Most elegant princess in the world." Oh, VOMIT. Apparently Selena gagged as well, laughing to friends that the weak attempt at reconciliation was both, according to TMZ, "stupid and childish." So take it from Auntie Ann, everyone! As God is our witness, Selena Gomez will never date Justin Bieber again. (Foreshadowing.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5
NOW. In celebrity news that makes our nethers tingle, Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus are feuding! YAYYY! The former pals are currently at each other's throats following a girl-on-girl kiss that went horribly awry. Here's what happened: Last month in Los Angeles, Katy was sitting in the front row of Miley's concert, when Miley swooped in for an unasked-for liplock. (This is what happens when one's seminal hit is "I Kissed a Girl.") Katy told an Australian TV show that it was intended to be "like, a friendly girl kiss... you know, as girls do." However, Miley intended on taking the "friendliness" to the next level by getting her tongue involved. This caused Katy to abruptly pull back, abort the kiss, and later explain her revulsion thusly: "God knows where that tongue has been. We don't know. The tongue is so infamous!" Well! When word of KatP's quote drifted back MiCy, the poop hit the proverbial fan... on TWATTER! "Girl if ur worried abt where tongues have been," the furious Miley twatterd, "good thing ur ex boo [John Mayer] is ur EX BOO cause we ALL know where THAT [tongue] been." Ha! Excellent burn, Miley! You're actually very funny when you want to be—and NO, that is NOT an invitation to stick your tongue in our mouth!
THURSDAY, MARCH 6
In Kreepy Kardashian Knews: The still apparently insane Kanye West, and the still morally revolting Kim Kardashian are still planning on getting married May 24th in Paris—giving the city's residents more than enough time to evacuate in an orderly fashion. MEANWHILE... After several run-ins with the neighbors in regards to wild parties, drag racing, and egg-pelting, Justin Bieber has moved out and sold his mansion in Calabasas, California to... Khloe Kardashian. In response, Justin's former neighbor declared, "there is no God" before hanging himself in the closet.
FRIDAY, MARCH 7
And now, a stomach-clenching phrase you thought you'd never read again... a horrific phrase you thought was far behind you, in the dark mists of memory... a phrase that will once again stalk its way through your nightmares (we're sorry)... BOB COSTAS' PINKEYE. Page Six is reporting that the disgusting bacterial infection seen 'round the world—which made Costas give up hosting the Olympics and turn things over to Matt Lauer—was, in fact, due to... well, take it away, anonymous Page Six source! "Bob's eye infection was due to botched Botox," the source reveals. "This isn't the first time he's had it." (Whether the source means this isn't the first time Costas has had Botox or if this isn't the first time Costas' eyes looked like they were trying to crawl out of his face is up to the reader's interpretation.) "There is zero truth to this. Zero," a spokesperson from NBC Sports doth protested too much.
SATURDAY, MARCH 8
Justin Bieber faced a six-hour deposition this week in Miami, due to the fact he's being sued by a paparazzo who claims to have been roughed up by the bratty singer's bodyguards. But L'il Bieble's other brushes with the law were brought into the mix, and Justin responded... poorly. "The guy proved today he's not the sharpest tool in the shed," a source tells Gossip Extra. Gossip Extra reports Bieber had "selective amnesia" during the deposition, responding in classic Bieber form to questions about whether he was in Australia in November ("I don't know if I was ever in Australia," Bieber lied), or in Seoul, South Korea ("I don't remember"), or in Miami ("I don't remember being in Miami"). When asked about his managers, Bieber claimed he "might have 100 managers" but added, "I don't really know" when asked their names. Bieber also "took frequent breaks during the session, sometimes every 15 minutes," and occasionally "appeared to fall asleep." But it wasn't until lawyer Mark DiCowden asked Bieber about his ex—"Was Selena Gomez present during any of the incidents with photographers?"—that Bieber went full Bieber. "Do not ask me about her!" Bieber allegedly screamed before running out of the room... only to be brought back in by his five lawyers, 10 minutes later. Classic Bieber! MEANWHILE... OH, NO! People reports that "On-again, off-again Bieber and Gomez met up in McAllen, Texas, on Friday for breakfast and shopping" and "some PDA." NO! WE WON'T ALLOW IT!! "They were sitting next to each other hugging and kissing in front of the staff," Lori Johnson, manager of Don Pepe's McAllen Mexican restaurant, told People. WHAT? NO!! "They weren't hiding it and seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend." STOP!! YOU'RE KILLING USSSSSSS!!!
SUNDAY, MARCH 9
In an eager attempt to remind people he still exists, rapper 50 Cent is going after everyone he can—even Snoop Dogg, who 50 Called out for getting a French manicure (and, as Complex points out, a house call French manicure). "What the f#ck is going on snoop," 50 wrote on Instagram. "Talk to me about this one man, Damn." AND SO... To close out this week's installment of One Day at a Time, we give you Snoop's response, presented in full. "Pimpin," Snoop replied. "That's what it is spooned n groomed dipped n whipped suited n booted gooted n looted. Real plays keep they nails fly fresh n dipped at the tip. I does what I does cuZ but but please believe me. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya. BTW. This is still crip. So fuxk. The haters jus wanted my nefew 50 to kknow the dynamics to what his big homie on !! Now for u haters. Suck d*ck or die trying. Hahahahahahahah I'm out. Much love 50. Get money !! cuzz I am." You're welcome, dears. (And if that didn't make up for our earlier mention of Bob Costas' pinkeye, nothing will.)