MONDAY, JUNE 9

The world's most despised mother, Kris Jenner (mom to the even more despised Kim Kardashian) attempted a colossal lie this week and fell flat on her surgically enhanced face. When an Australian radio station asked about Jay-Z and Beyoncé's notable absence from Kim and Kanye West's wedding, Mama Jenner had this (colossal lie) to say: "There was so much commotion and excitement, I never really gave that a second thought," she colossally lied before adding another colossal lie: "If you had been there, you would have thought that was the last thing on anyone's mind." Actually, the last thing on everyone's mind was, "Wow, this marriage is such a wonderful and smart idea!" MEANWHILE... Unnngghhh, James Franco is writing again! But this time it's a short story written for Vice, about the time Lindsay Lohan showed up at his hotel room and he supposedly didn't fuck her. (BTW, most people communicate such information via a press release... but not artsy James Franco!) In the poorly written narrative, Franco claims he wouldn't let LiLo in— unless she promised first that they wouldn't fuck. (Unnngggghhh!) Then they supposedly lay together in his bed while he read selections from JD Salinger books (unnnnggghhhh!) and did absolutely zero fucking. (Unnngggghhh!) James! Everybody knows you and Lindsay fucked! You are a worse liar than Kris Jenner!

TUESDAY, JUNE 10

Following last week's school shooting at Seattle Pacific University (killing one, wounding two), and Sunday's Las Vegas shooting (in which two police officers and a bystander were murdered by two extreme right-wing terrorists), gun violence came home to roost at Troutdale's Reynolds High School today, when a 15-year-old freshman entered the school's gym and shot and killed 14-year-old Emilio Hoffman with an AR-15 rifle. According to police, the shooter (whose name you won't find in this column, because he's an asshole who doesn't deserve any further fame) also carried a semi-automatic handgun with enough rounds to kill several hundred people. After shooting Hoffman and grazing teacher Todd Rispler, the young murderer (who was an ROTC member and known gun enthusiast) took his own life. As of press time, it still isn't known what the shooter's intentions were—though it isn't a stretch to conclude that America's obsession with (and intense defense of) guns had something to do with it. The screeching vernacular of the NRA and gun owners send a steady and unbending message to their supporters, impressionable children, and the mentally ill: "Guns are the solution"—whether your problem is home defense, putting food on your table, curtailing a corrupt government, being relentlessly teased at school, or killing shooters who have been relentlessly teased at school. Sure, gun control legislation is desperately needed—but until we can convince the message bearers of their culpability in these murders? We'll all continue to share in the burden of burying children.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11

In far better (and hilarious) news, House Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost his seat in Virginia to a virtual nobody in last night's primary race. Cantor was widely thought to be next in line for the speaker of the House, and spent much of his time jockeying for that position instead of campaigning in his home state. That's when Tea Party insurgent David Brat stepped to the fore, running on a platform of "Eric Cantor doesn't care about Virginia, because look! He isn't even here!" Brat also heavily criticized Cantor for backing legislation that would have allowed children of illegal immigrants to become citizens—so, we guess that makes Brat even more of a brat. BUT! After yesterday's terrible news? We'll take our celebrations wherever we can get them.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12

In this month's Marie Claire, film vixen Mila Kunis—who oh-so-stupidly allowed herself to be impregnated by the revolting Ashton Kutcher—told the magazine that she would only allow two people in the delivery room: her doctor and her husband. However, she's not encouraging Ashton to watch the actual birth. "I wouldn't if I were him," she said. "I highly doubt he wants to see [my vagina] being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded." Mila... dear... you're in a delivery room. Not a lion's cage. Get a grip. MEANWHILE... Today Texas Governor (and 2012 Republican presidential failure) Rick Perry compared homosexuality to alcoholism. "I may have the genetic coding that I'm inclined to be an alcoholic," Perry said during a speech, "but I have the desire not to do that—and I look at the homosexual issue the same way." Rick... dear... a man has never beaten his wife because he gobbled too much cock that evening. Get a grip.

FRIDAY, JUNE 13

"Misconceptions... occur with people who haven't ever read a book about [Scientology], or don't know what it's about," whined former teen heartthrob Jason Dohring (better known as "bad boy" Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars) as he defended his Scientology beliefs in an interview with Portrait magazine. "It saved my acting career," Dohring insisted. "I became a professional through Scientology... I understand acting better because Scientology is the study of life." Oh no. Jason, Jason, Jason. Scientology isn't the study of life... it's the study of how to be financially exploited while getting tricked into believing science-fiction hogwas—THIS JUST IN! (via holo-chat)... "Ann, Ann, Ann," Scientology's official spokesalien, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, rudely interrupted! "I urge you to let Jason make up his own mind about the intergalactically revered thought-principles and thetan-destroying revelations of L. Ron Hubbard! As Jason no doubt learned while shooting the amazing Veronica Mars movie, where Logan finally got together for good with Veronica, and... and... actually, Jason? I have a question about that. As we all know, the soul of Veronica Mars is the relationship between plucky teen reporter Veronica and 'bad boy' Logan! But the heart is something else entirely: Backup, the loyal pit bull owned by Veronica and her charming father, Keith! So where, I ask, was Backup in the movie? As a Kickstarter backer, I was very disappointed by Backup's exclusion, and I think you owe all of us Marshmallows an explanation! I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHERE BACKUP IS, LOGAN! TELL ME NOW, LOGAN! Or Jason. Whatever. I'll take my answer off the air, Ann. Hashtag bring back Backup." (And with that, dears, we're reminded why we swore to stop writing about Scientology's wild-eyed adherents: They can't ever stay on topic.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 14

As Hubby Kip won't stop reminding us whenever he comes into the kitchen for another Mountain Dew, director J.J. Abrams is currently filming another dumb Star Wars movie, and he's roped in all the former stars from the originals to be in it. Even though... they might be too old? According to the Hollywood Reporter, grumpy-faced Harrison Ford, who is 71, broke his ankle on the set of Star Wars: Episode VII, getting "injured by the door of the Millennium Falcon, the spacecraft that his character pilots in the original films." To which we say: It follows that if septuagenarians can't get into cars without assistance, maybe they shouldn't be trusted with spaceships. MEANWHILE... Obnoxious British atheist Richard Dawkins has been railing against Angelina Jolie's Maleficent, insisting to a crowd at the Cheltenham Science Festival that it's "rather pernicious to inculcate into a child a view of the world which includes supernaturalism." (See? Obnoxious.) But Jolie is fighting back! "There are morals in these stories, and you want a little magic," Jolie told Psychologies magazine. "It's important to have something you're a little bit in awe of." Guess what we're in awe of? How terrible both of you are! Seriously, this is a slow gossip week, dears. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will do something awful at the last minute and save us?

SUNDAY, JUNE 15

"GWYNETH PALTROW AND CHRIS MARTIN 'CONSCIOUSLY RE-COUPLING' AS THEY COOL DIVORCE PLANS," the Mirror reports! (Yes! We knew you'd come through, Gwynnie!) Paltrow and Martin, who famously told the world they were "consciously uncoupling," have now been photographed "acting like flirty teens," according to the British tab. "They may have consciously uncoupled a few months ago—but they seem to be re-coupling now," a source gabs. "No one will be surprised if they get back together." Especially not us, dears—because joining forces to annoy everybody again seems like exactly the kind of horrible thing these two would come up with. ("Say what you will, Ann," Emperor Klaktu adds. "I happen to think it's lovely, and wish them all the best! Hashtag bring back Backup.")