MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Darlings! A certain minor celebrity has repeatedly popped up on our gossip radar as of late, and we strongly suspect she'll become a major player/perpetrator in the One Day at a Time multiverse—so please allow us to introduce Ariana Grande. While her name may sound like a drink someone wearing yoga pants might order at Starbucks, Ariana is the newest former Nickelodeon child star-turned-pop tartlet sensation, who has already produced two Mariah Carey-esque hits, "Problem," and "Bang Bang." So why should you care? Because (a) she wears cat ears and dresses like a Bratz doll, which is a huge "GURL, DON'T YOU EVEN." And (b) even though she's barely 21, Ariana is already reportedly a raging diva of the highest magnitude. She allegedly micromanages photo sessions (refusing to let anyone photograph the left side of her face), endlessly obsesses over her hair, and is grossed out by her fans—one time reportedly saying, "I hope they all fucking die." (!!) According to the New York Post, her surly shenanigans have reached such dizzying heights, even her life coach—hired to keep her "centered"—quit out of frustration. (Ariana's camp denies this... though it should be noted that Ariana's manager is Scooter Braun—AKA the person responsible for Justin Bieber. Ohhhhhhh dear.) That's why we'll be keeping our steely eye on young Ms. Grande and her "cat ears"—which again, is a big NO, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
Hats off to delightful actress Emma Watson (best known as Hermione from the Harry Potter films) for her impassioned speech about feminism and gender delivered at the United Nations this weekend. Helping launch the "He for She" campaign—which aims to involve men in the continuing fight for women's rights—Watson had this and much more to say: "The more I have spoken about feminism, the more I have realized that fighting for women's rights has too often become synonymous with 'man-hating.' This has to stop..... If we stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by what we are—we can all be freer.... It's about freedom. I want men to take up this mantle." Unsurprisingly her speech received a well-deserved standing ovation, and was lovingly hailed across the entirety of the internet. MEANWHILE... Okay, maybe not the entirety of the internet—because the "he-man woman-haters club" over at 4chan's /b/ board went batshit nuts (in a bad way) over Emma's speech. They threatened to post nude pictures of Watson, attempted to convince Twitter followers she was dead, and peppered their board with hateful, violent comments such as this one (which is actually one of the less disturbing ones): "[Her nude photos are] real and going to happen this weekend. That feminist bitch Emma is going to show the world she is as much of a whore as any woman." If you're a guy reading One Day right now, you probably love Emma as much as we do—which means you're one of the good ones. It's time to use your voice, and stand up against the bad ones.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
For reasons unknown, actor Keanu Reeves has suddenly become extremely popular (wait for it...) with the mentally ill. A week ago, Keanu was awoken at 4 am by strange sounds coming from his library. (Wait... Keanu has a library?) There he discovered a woman in her mid-40s sitting in a chair, claiming she was there to meet him. Keanu smiled, calmly backed out of the room, and called the cops, who escorted her to the nearest straitjacket. Flash forward to TWO DAYS LATER, when a completely different woman let herself into his home, stripped off all her clothes, took a shower, AND a dip in his pool. Again, Keanu remained calm (probably said something like, "Whoaaa...") and called the cops. Okay... note to other celebrity compulsives: Keanu Reeves? Umm... NO. On the other hand, George Clooney? YES. (If we rush, we can use his shower just in time to crash and ruin his wedding.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
As reported recently in One Day, Coldplay's Chris Martin (whose former spouse Gwyneth Paltrow "consciously uncoupled" him) has been ridiculously dating Jennifer Lawrence. Does this please Paltrow? Ohhhh noooo, it does not. In fact, according to the Daily Mail, Gwynnie has once again decided to sink her talons deeply into Martin's ballsack by presenting him with a rigid schedule of when he will NOT be seeing Lawrence, and when he WILL be spending time with his kids. So sayeth a source, "Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him—which isn't exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends." In a related story... the sun came out this morning, and more than likely, will set this evening.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
"Operation wedding is in full swing for Hollywood's favorite bachelor George Clooney and his fiancée Amal Alamuddin," Us reports, breaking our fragile heart into a billion tiny pieces and reminding us that there's nothing good left in this world at all now that our formerly beloved George and his garbage bride appear to actually be going through with it. "Venice's luxurious five-star, 79-room Hotel Cipriani is currently being transformed into a romantic idyll," Us adds, with the hotel's "elegantly converted 19th century granary... fitted out with stunning crystal chandeliers and lavish place settings." Wedding guests arriving in Venice—including Bill Murray, Matt Damon, John Krasinski and Emily Blunt, Anna Wintour, Bono, Cindy Crawford, Clooney's inexplicable BFF Richard Kind, Clooney's parents, and Alamuddin's awful mother and awful father—were shuttled to their gorgeous accommodations by sleek water taxis. "I've never seen anything like this in Venice before!" one local told People as "Clooney and his guests waved to throngs of cheering fans who lined the historic Rialto and Accademia Bridges over the Grand Canal." Well, doesn't all that sound perfect. Oh. Wait. We're totes going to have to write about the actual wedding tomorrow, aren't we? :(
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Sigh. Fine. "Under an arch of imported white roses, Clooney, 53, and his bride, 36, exchanged vows that they wrote themselves," Us cruelly reports from picturesque Venice. Naturally, Rome's former mayor Walter Veltroni—"a personal friend of Clooney's"—conducted the ceremony, and a source gabs that, "Clooney held Amal's hand when saying part of his vows." Of course he did. The ceremony was followed by a five-course meal served on "24-karat gold-rimmed bone china," "under 20 modern art paintings hand-picked by Alamuddin," and surrounded by candles and white roses. We wish the happy couple nothing but the very best, and if you'll excuse us, we now need to have our own reception, which involves an entire box of Franzia and three boxes of Kleenex.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
People reports that even after "days of wedding festivities behind them," and "all the tuxes, tequila, and tagliolini a joyful memory," George Clooney and that goddamn garbage harpy Amal Alamuddin still aren't done. The couple "boated once more up Venice's Grand Canal—with the now-familiar throngs of waving well-wishers cheering them on—to Ca'Farsetti, a stunning 14th-century palazzo" for a civil ceremony. Not only did Alessandro Greco, "Clooney's longtime Venetian boat driver" serve as a witness, but when leaving, Clooney told fans outside it felt "Nice!" to be married, with Alamuddin saying it felt "Amazing!" We bet it does feel amazing, Amal, to have somebody else's ideal husband and ideal wedding and to have stolen it from them. Ugh. AREN'T YOU TWO DONE YET? CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE? UGGGGUGHGUGHH. FINALLY MOVING ON... Jennifer Lopez and Leah Remini got in a fender-bender on the Pacific Coast Highway! Ooh! Interesting, right? Everyone's fine, and TMZ reports that the pickup truck that hit them from behind—WAIT. THIS JUST IN. "The wedding was more than perfect," Amal Alamuddin's father who never shuts his stupid mouth, Ramzi, said in a super boring, super terrible interview. "It is very good news among the bad news we are living in now," Alamuddin added, referring to the chaotic conflagration of world events everyone outside of Venice is embroiled in. Yahoo News reported Alamuddin's remarks thusly: "Clooney Father-in-Law Hails Wedding as Good News for Mideast," so apparently, this wedding's now going to bring about world peace. Of course it is. UGH.