MONDAY, JUNE 22
Former mayor of kaaa-raaazy town Charlie Sheen is back in the tabs today for yet another kaaa-raaazy Twatter rant! As you know, yesterday was Father's Day, and how did Chuckles spend it? By furiously typing the following twatter aimed at his former wife and mother to his children. "[Denise] Richards [is] a heretic washed-up piglet Shame pile," Charlie confusingly wrote, before adding, "Happy Father's Day!!!" His (since deleted) rant continued, before finally finishing with, "Denise Richards is a shake down piece of shit doosh phace & worst mom alive!" Richards eventually responded, and not only took the high road—she took the road straight into the stratosphere. "Happy Dad's Day! @charliesheen have a great trip in Mexico!," Denise wrote. "Kids were disappointed u weren't here for it—Hey we'll celebrate when u r back!" [Cut to a courtroom scene in the near future where Charlie is trying to convince a judge he's a good father, while Denise simply shrugs and holds up his 'n' hers Twatter accounts. And with that, the gavel will come crashing down, and the case... will be closed.]
TUESDAY, JUNE 23
Speaking of upcoming court cases we can't wait to see, the artist formally known as Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, and now simply Diddy was arrested today on felony charges for assault with a deadly kettlebell. Here's the story: Diddy's son Justin Combs is a defensive back for UCLA's football squad, and reportedly had been bullied by the team's strength coach, Sal Alosi (best known for tripping a Miami Dolphins player during a 2010 NFL game—so, yeah... he's probably a dick). Diddy went in to talk to him about it, and was told Alosi wouldn't see him. Now, according to whom you choose to believe, Diddy became infuriated and either swung a nearby kettlebell at Alosi, narrowly missing him, or the coach became infuriated and attacked the rapper, causing Diddy to pick up the kettlebell in self-defense. Regardless, Diddy was the one carted off to the hoosegow on the following charges: three counts of assault with a deadly weapon (that's the kettlebell!), one count of battery, and one count of "making terrorist threats." What were the threats? Well, the police won't say—but let's hope he didn't threaten to record another Biggie Smalls tribute song. The nation barely survived the first one.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24
It's one thing for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to pretend like they're gods—but now they are literally tampering with the forces of nature! According to Us magazine, this past spring, Kim underwent an incredibly expensive "IVF gender-selection process" in which doctors implanted only fertilized boy embryos into her uterus—thereby laughing in God's face and ensuring their daughter North West will have a baby brother. Said a source close to the rapper, "Kanye loves Nori more than anything... [here comes the 'but']... but to make his world complete, he wanted a little boy, an heir." Ummm... girls can be "heirs," too, Kanye. Besides what will the kid be "heir" to? The kingdom of jumping onstage during award shows and making an ass out of himself? However, it isn't just Kanye playing Dr. Frankenstein. "Kim always wanted two kids," continued the source. "A girl and a boy." "Hurray!" bellowed the actual God, from his heavenly perch above the clouds. "I couldn't be happier that Kanye and Kim will become my replacement as ultimate controller of the universe. As for the rest of you humans, I only have this to say: I wish you luck (you'll need it), and take this fucking job and shove it!"
THURSDAY, JUNE 25
Here's a fact from today's New York Times that needs to be shouted from the mountaintops—but in lieu of that, we'll just reprint it here. From a study reported by New America, a Washington, DC, research center: "Since September 11, 2001, nearly twice as many people have been killed by white supremacists, antigovernment fanatics, and other non-Muslim extremists [in this country] than by radical Muslims: 48 have been killed by extremists who are not Muslim, including the recent mass killing in Charleston, South Carolina, compared with 26 by self-proclaimed jihadists." The report also mentions that since September 11, non-Muslim extremists have carried out 19 attacks compared to the seven lethal attacks by Islamic militants during the same period. Looks like a certain country we know needs to shift their focus on a certain "war on terror."
FRIDAY, JUNE 26
"In a long-sought victory for the gay rights movement, the Supreme Court ruled by a 5-to-4 vote on Friday that the Constitution guarantees a right to same-sex marriage," the New York Times reported today. "'No longer may this liberty be denied,' Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote for the majority in the historic decision." True, while a minority of justices—including a fuming, incoherent Antonin Scalia—did their best impressions of your homophobic aunt on Facebook, everyone who isn't a closed-minded bigot was delighted by this news—finally! FINALLY!—and it wasn't long until gleeful, tear-filled-but-the-happy-kind-of-tears same-sex marriages were happening across the land, even in places no one would've expected (we're looking at you, the entirety of the South). Even the White House got into the spirit, with multi-colored lights turning the nation's most prominent residence into an inspiring rainbow. Okay, everybody, three cheers for America: The Place That Usually Gets It Wrong, But This Time Got It Right.
SATURDAY, JUNE 27
And the good news keeps coming: "Dressed in climbing gear and a helmet, Brittany 'Bree' Newsome shimmied up a 30-foot flagpole on the grounds of the South Carolina Capitol early Saturday and removed the Confederate battle flag that has reignited national debate over the emblem's place in modern America," reported CNN. Though Newsome was arrested once she reached the ground—and while another Confederate flag was raised shortly thereafter—Newsome was rightly hailed as a hero. "We can't wait any longer," she said in a statement released through the group #BlackLivesMatter. "We can't continue like this another day. It's time for a new chapter where we are sincere about dismantling white supremacy and building toward true racial justice and equality." This is officially the best two days that America's had in... a while. Let's just enjoy it before... oh. See? This never lasts. Here comes Paris Hilton.
SUNDAY, JUNE 28
You see, back in the olden times, dears—when horse-drawn carriages clattered over the Hawthorne Bridge, people without trust funds could afford apartments within city limits, and Ye Olde Portland Mercurie was sold on street corners by cheerfully singing, syphilis-blinded newsies—One Day at a Time was almost entirely the domain of one Paris Hilton (who was like a Kardashian, but worse). These days, Paris has fled to the one place on Earth where people aren't sick of her: Dubai, where she was duped into appearing on the prank show Ramez in Control! According to the Huffington Post, Hilton was "invited on a jet for a 15-minute aerial tour of the city"—but shortly after takeoff, the pilot made it appear like the plane was crashing. "In the video, Hilton and the other passengers begin to panic and scream as an alarm goes off and the plane appears to plummet. One passenger opens up the jet's side door and tosses a man out as Hilton screams 'No!' and 'I don't want to jump!' The faked crash footage—which is very disturbing to watch—goes on for more than five minutes [Way to commit to the joke, Ramez!—Ann] as Hilton continues to scream and cry, looking genuinely terrified." The Huffington Post goes on to add that in the past, Ramez has "tricked guests into believing they were being eaten by live sharks in the ocean." Umm... totally not funny, Ramez! (But at least we know what's going to happen to Justin Bieber in about 10 years! And we can't wait.) IN OTHER CRUEL NEWS... Last week, the amazing Charlize Theron (currently playing the amazing Imperator Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road) broke up with the not-so-amazing Sean Penn (currently playing nobody in anything). The new rumor, though? Theron dumped Penn by ghosting him! (The rumor proved so tantalizing that even the austere New York Times wasn't above reporting on it, going to far as to politely explain "ghosting" to their elderly readers as "a verb that refers to ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner's attempts to reach out.") While we're very pro Theron breaking up with Penn, doesn't it seem unusually... mean to ghost a 54-year-old? He probably doesn't even know how to work his iPhone! He probably just thinks his texts aren't going through! ACTUALLY... Penn probably doesn't even know he's been dumped! He's probably still slouched in his La-Z-Boy, watching infomercials at maximum volume, waiting for Charlize to come back with his prune juice and Werther's. And there he will remain until he dies. (Sorry to end this week on a bummer, dears! RIP, Sean!)