MONDAY, AUGUST 17

In news that will make you vomit your foot-long Veggie Delite, longtime Subway spokesman Jared Fogle (who famously lost weight eating the company's sandwiches) has confessed to committing sex acts with minors, and receiving child pornography. (Note: You might want to pop a couple of nausea pills—'cause the story just gets worse from here.) According to ABC News, the feds allege this married father of two has been pursuing illegal sex acts since 2007 and as recently as June. In 2012, he allegedly paid a 17-year-old—whose age he knew in advance—to have sex with him at New York's Plaza Hotel. He was later accused of sending texts to escorts "soliciting them to provide him with access to minors as young as 14 to 15 years." (GAHHHH! Let's pause for a Listerine shower.) Okay, onward: Fogle had a partner in crime, the former head of his charitable foundation, Russell Taylor, who was busted earlier this year for having more than 500 photos and videos of child pornography on his computer—some of which he created himself and then shared with Jared. Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-UGH! Needless to say, Jared's wife has filed for divorce, claiming she was "shocked" and "disappointed" by her husband's activities. (Disappointed? We're "disappointed" by Hubby Kip's refusal to wipe the toilet seat.) Former employers Subway also dumped the celeb, twatting this tweet: "We no longer have a relationship with Jared and have no further comment." No word yet on the legal battle over who gets custody of Jared's gigantic pants.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18

And the hits just keep on comin'! As you may have heard, the famous internet cheat-on-your-wife service Ashley Madison was hacked, thereby leaking tons of these cheating shitheads' private information. All together on three: one... two... three... HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh, but it gets better because the hack also revealed the proclivities of one particular cheating shithead, Josh Duggar, the conservative Christian star of TLC's 19 Kids and Counting! (Shall we bitterly laugh again? Let's! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!) You'll remember Josh as the Duggar who, as a teen, molested four of his underage sisters (and another girl)—though his family insists he's reformed. However, Gawker uncovered Josh's Ashley Madison profile in which he was looking for a discreet, extramarital "naughty girl" who has "natural breasts" and a "secret love nest." (Fun fact: In 2013, Josh was named executive director of the Family Research Council—an organization devoted to promoting "marriage and family as the foundation of civilization.") Cue Josh's second sniveling apology of 2015: "I have been the biggest hypocrite ever," he wrote on Mama Duggar's blog. "While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly... been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife." Hey Josh, take it from Hubby Kip: Looking at porn doesn't make you unfaithful—but being a hypocritical cheating piece of shit might! Why don't you and Jared Fogle go get a Subway sandwich and chew on that?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19

Hooray, our favorite sass-mouth celebrity, Rihanna, has returned, taking down yet another misogynistic meathead with her sweet, sweet internet burns! This week's victim is NBA player Matt Barnes (of the Memphis Grizzlies), who insinuated to TMZ he'd been slipping Rihanna his foot-long Turkey Italiano Melt. (Sorry, but we figured Subway was looking for a new spokesperson, and we needed the money.) Naturally Rihanna (who takes no mess) immediately retaliated, uploading a pic of Barnes on Instagram followed by a barrage of blistering hashtags: "#bishwhere #thedevilisaliar #shesnotthatintoyou #shesnotthatintoyouatall #shesneverevenmetyou." Dear Mr. Barnes: This is what's known as #deathbyhashtag. Our condolences to your family.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20

Yesterday, North Carolina voters were polled to see who they currently favored in the race for president of the United States, and the results are as follows: Donald Trump (40 percent), Hillary Clinton (38 percent), and Deez Nuts (9 percent). And while Deez Nuts might trail the more famous Trump and Clinton by a wide margin, this upstart independent candidate is topping a field of 585 registered candidates (including Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz). So who is Deez Nuts? None other than 15-year-old Iowa sophomore Brady Olson, who has secured the best polling numbers of any independent candidate in two decades. A student of the political process, Olson had a serious reason for wanting to join the race. "I saw the slop bucket we call the GOP field," Olson said, "the one-woman show on the Democratic side, and the lack of any third party candidate and thought, 'Man, Deez Nuts would be better than any of these guys.'" Here's hoping we hear more from Deez Nuts in the future. (Hey, beats Joe the Plumber's nuts!)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21

Last week, dears, we discussed how very, very excited Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Zac Efron are for their upcoming Baywatch movie. ("So stoked brother—baby oil for 2 plz," Efron tweeted at the Rock.) But guess who isn't excited! Baywatch star Pamela Anderson lashed out to TMZ about how "no one appreciates the remakes" and how trying to replicate Baywatch's success is doomed to failure, as the show aired in what she remembers as the "simpler, sweeter time" of the '90s. Possibly contributing to Pam's cynicism? Rumors that while sentient meme David Hasselhoff was asked to be in the movie, no such offer was made to Pam. Possibly contributing to our cynicism? That Baywatch was garbage—even in the simpler, sweeter '90s, and no matter what Hubby Kip says every time he tries to hang up his Pamela Anderson poster in the garage. . ELSEWHERE IN HOLLYWEIRD... Straight Outta Compton, the well-reviewed biopic that charts the rise of N.W.A., continues to be a box-office juggernaut. Only one problem: “Critics charge that the movie, which was co-produced by Dr. Dre, glosses over N.W.A.’s record of misogyny and ignores Dr. Dre’s history of physically abusing women,” according to the New York Times. Which... well, yes. It totally does. Earlier this week, Dre publicly apologized. “I apologize to the women I’ve hurt,” he told the Times. “I deeply regret what I did and I know that it has forever impacted all of our lives.” That comment came only after three women—musicians Tairrie B and Michel’le, and journalist Dee Barnes—came forward to talk about Dre’s abuse. In a post for Gawker, Barnes called the movie “revisionist history” and that the story it told “wasn’t reality and it wasn’t gangster. Gangster would have been to show everything.” IN RELATED NEWS... In 2014, Dre made $620 million, and, after only two weeks in release, Straight Outta Compton has grossed over $100 million.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22

Yesterday, on a high-speed train hurtling toward Paris, a 26-year-old Moroccan man attempted use an AK-47, a Luger pistol, nine ammo cartridges, and a knife to launch a terrorist attack on the train's 500-plus passengers. Despite getting off a couple of shots and wounding one passenger, he was quickly stopped—by three Americans on vacation. Three childhood friends—23-year-old Anthony Sadler, 23-year-old Spencer Stone, and 22-year-old Alek Skarlatos—used their military training and quick instincts to take down the assailant. "Skarlatos, who was returning from a deployment in Afghanistan, looked over at the powerfully built Mr. Stone, a martial arts enthusiast," the New York Times reports. "'Let's go, go!' he shouted." And they did, charging the man, disarming him, and bashing him to the ground before Skarlatos picked up the AK-47 and "started muzzle-thumping him in the head." While the train's staff "fled the scene of the struggle, abandoning the passengers and cowering in the engine car," the men—including Stone, whose thumb was nearly severed by the assailant's blade, and British passenger Chris Norman, who helped take down the gunman—aided the passenger who had been shot, scanned the car for more assailants, and discovered the weapons were, in fact, faulty. "I mean, if that guy's weapon had been functioning properly, I don't even want to think about how it would have went," Skarlatos said. The four men were promptly awarded the Legion of Honor, France's fanciest award, and are welcome on the MAX anytime—a slightly less prestigious honor. IN OTHER NEWS OF HEROISM... Channing Tatum has adopted a horse—a rescue named “Smoke,” who, as Chatum noted on Instagram, “loves beer! We’re meant to be.” It should also be noted that Chatum has a rescue dog—Lulu, a pit bull mix, who he also posts pictures of on Insta. No word yet on when he’ll be receiving the Legion of Honor, but hopefully it’ll be around the same time Magic Mike XXL gets the “Best Picture” Oscar it rightfully deserves.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23

Like whimpering, asthmatic nerds, this weekend Portlanders cowered inside their houses as smoke from the Pacific Northwest's raging wildfires blanketed the city. "The combination of high temperatures and wildfire smoke in the tri-county area may increase the risk of illness, especially for older adults, young children, and people with asthma, respiratory, or heart conditions," said Paul Lewis, the tri-county health officer for Multnomah, Clackamas, and Washington Counties. HOWEVER... As apocalyptic as the blood-red sun made Portland look, the smoke was nothing compared to the biblical plague that affected the oh-so-deserving attendees of Burning Man. "The bugs are real," the official Burning Man blog reported. "They're everywhere they bite. They crawl all over you. They get up and in you.... Metal Shop Heather wears a welding mask most of the day. Bugs have crawled up inside her visor and nestled around her eyes. Cammy and Stinger needed some help from the medical team to deal with the infestation; Stinger's back was covered with nasty red welts from the bites." And despite the sufferings of Metal Shop Heather, Cammy, and Stinger, there's apparently no relief for all the other rich hippies pretending to be homeless in the desert. "What's going on? We don't know," Burning Man organizers continued. "All we know is that if you pick up some wood, you're likely to uncover hundreds or thousands of the things." "I'll tell you dimwitted trust-fund 'artists' what's going on," Mother Earth responded. "I just made a threat, you insufferable jackasses. If you drive one more 'art car' out into the desert, if you build one more stupid 'sculpture'... oh, I fucking swear you're gonna look less like fake hippies and more like the extras on The Walking Dead."