MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
Let's start this week with a definitive list of "Who's fucking whom vs. who's NOT fucking whom." First up: Kendall Jenner is reportedly fucking Orlando Bloom. According to the Sun, the 38-year-old Bloom has been "secretly seeing" (that's code for "fucking" right?) 19-year-old Kardashian Krew member Kendall Jenner. However, this May-December romance isn't a problem for the sneaky couple so far. "The age difference doesn't seem to bother them," says a source. "Although it's far too early... to tell if this is going to develop into something serious." Too early is right! As soon as Kendall gets a whiff of Orlando's colostomy bag, she's out the door! MEANWHILE... So guess who's not fucking whom? That would be Mad Men's January Jones and her Last Man on Earth co-star and comedian Will Forte. The pair had (reportedly) been fucking vigorously for five months, but according to Us Weekly, Jones is now telling pals that "relationships are a pain in the ass." Obviously there is a joke to be made here about anal sex, and yet? We are too much of a lady to lower ourselves to such plebian banter. Please pass the tea and crumpets. And lube. Lots and lots of lube.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
In news that will shock you to your very core, certain denizens of Manhattan's financial district are both racist AND sexist. (Crazy, right?) According to the New York Post, an executive of financial management firm Flynn Family Office (who manages high-profile clients like Rihanna and Kelly Ripa) claims that partner Alan Kufeld regularly made obscene and racist comments in the workplace. For example, Kufeld once allegedly hoped that his new intern had a body like her mom "who was banging the drummer from [heavy metal band] Skid Row," and that the reason Rihanna is "hot" is because she's "not too dark." Kufeld and his firm have vigorously denied these claims—which is not a bad idea, because if you've seen her Twitter account, NO ONE in their right mind insults Rihanna! (Or mentions her in the same sentence with Skid Row... for which we sincerely apologize!) MEANWHILE... Rapper Azealia Banks went batcrap crazy on a flight to Los Angeles after a French couple (seated in the third row) was attempting to disembark the plane in front of Azealia (who was in the sixth row). According to TMZ, she tried squeezing her way past the couple who were reaching up to get their bags, and the man held up a hand to stop her. Azealia responded by allegedly spitting in the man's face, grabbing his shirt, and punching him in the face. When a flight attendant tried to intervene, Azealia called him a "fucking faggot." Luckily for her, charges were not filed, but here's how Azealia defended herself on Twitter: "I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't tolerate bitchassness." THIS JUST IN: The FAA has announced that from now on, anyone blocking the way of Azealia Banks on an airplane will be convicted of first degree "bitchassness," and sentenced to five years of wondering, "Wait... who's Azealia Banks?"
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
Wisconsin's loathsome anti-union governor, Scott Walker, has dropped out of the GOP race for the presidency. (So how many equally loathsome candidates are left? Forty-three?) While Walker claims he is sacrificing himself for the good of the party—asking the other candidates to also resign and focus their energies on finding someone to unseat frontrunner Donald Trump—the more probable reasons for his resignation include (a) the distinct lack of anyone interested in giving him money, and (b) saying increasingly stupid things—like his awesome idea to build a wall between the US and Canada. Fare thee well, Scott Walker. Maybe President Trump will make you his Director of Homeland Xenophobia.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Hooray, more Duggar news! Now you'd think that after Josh Duggar (of the show 19 Kids and Counting) admitted to being a pedophile and cheating piece of shit, network TLC would've had enough of these faux Christian hypocrites. BUT NO. TLC announced today they will be airing a series of specials starring Duggar daughters Jessa and Jill, as well as their pitiable hubbies. (Josh wasn't available for the series because he's too busy attending Christian sex addict sessions, and quietly sobbing/masturbating over a pile of 1970s Playboy magazines.) The specials will document Jessa's attempts to birth the first of what will probably be 97 children, as well as their preparations to move to El Salvador to pursue missionary work. (In response, El Salvador has packed up and moved to France.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
The Republican Party often comes off as a pit bull trying to devour its own tail—and here's more proof: Today John Boehner resigned his position as the GOP's House speaker. With his job constantly threatened by the more conservative factions of the party—most recently those who would rather die than provide funding for Planned Parenthood—Boehner tearfully quit to avoid further in-fighting and a government shutdown. "They just can't get to yes," said Republican Representative Charlie Dent about the ultra-conservative members of his party. "And so they undermine the ability of the speaker to lead. And not only do they undermine the ability of the speaker to lead, but they undermine the entire Republican conference and also help to weaken the institution of Congress itself." Boehner's successor may be majority leader Representative Kevin McCarthy who, according to the New York Times, is "viewed more favorably by the House's more conservative members" because of his "willingness to bend to their will." (And you thought things couldn't get any uglier!)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
Pope Francis visited the United States this week—and sorry! Still not impressed. Agreed, he's no Pope Benedict (who looks like someone who might jump out at you in the "Catholic Horrors" section of FrightTown), and he did spend much of his US tour speaking out about climate change, income inequality, and showing empathy toward immigrants—but along with many of his Catholic brethren, he continues to fall on the wrong side of certain issues. For example, according to NBC News, Francis appeared to side with homophobe Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis (who has refused to grant same-sex marriage licenses), saying that government workers have a "human right" to refuse their duties if they have a "conscientious objection." (Apparently the pope didn't hear that Davis is on her fourth marriage—that's how much she adores the institution.) The pope also continues to pooh-pooh the idea of women becoming priests... soooooo maybe he's not the best authority when it comes to the subject of "human rights"? (However, we'd like him a lot more if he decided to dress up like Pope Benedict for Halloween.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Here's another great reason to root for Australia! As you recall reading in these very pages, Johnny Depp was threatened with prison time for violating an Australian animal quarantine after sneaking his Yorkshire terriers into the country. Now Australia is setting their sights on violent d-bag Chris Brown, who is currently being refused entrance because of his record of domestic violence. [Such as when he brutally beat and attempted to strangle then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009. Never forget.] Brown has 28 days to appeal the decision—but authorities indicate he shouldn't waste his time. "People need to understand," Minster of Women Michaelia Cash said, "if you are going to commit domestic violence and you want to travel around the world, there are going to be countries that say to you, 'You cannot come in because you are not of the character we expect in Australia.'" Brown has already been denied entry into New Zealand—which should be great news... but don't forget: The less time Chris Brown is in other countries, the more time he'll spend here. (Unfortunately he's exactly the kind of character you'd expect in America.)