MONDAY, JANUARY 4
In our most beautiful of dreams, the New Year would bring a very limited deadly virus that would only target America's most annoying assholes. Sadly, 2016 is not our lucky year, and here's the proof! Following a New Year's celebration at Kilroy's Bar and Grill in Indianapolis, local hairdresser Holly Jones hopped on Facebook to squeal the following about the establishment: "I will never go back to this location for New Year's Eve!!! After the way we were treated when we spent $700+ and having our meal ruined by watching a dead person being wheeled out from an overdose my night has been ruined!!!" Holly went on to note that her party's bill had been incorrectly totaled, and her waitress' attitude made her feel like, "our business didn't matter, but I guess allowing a junkie in the building to overdose on your property is more important than paying customers who are spending a lot of money!!" In response, Kilroy's manager Chris Burton took to Facebook to clear up Jones' misconceptions. "First of all," Burton wrote, "the 'overdosing junkie' that you speak of was a 70-plus-year-old woman who had a heart attack." WHOOPSY, ASSHOLE! Burton continued, describing the humiliation the old woman must have suffered "having her shirt removed in front of a packed bar" so paramedics could attempt to revive her, which made it COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE "why you think being intoxicated assholes... should take priority over a human life." Happily the woman survived her heart attack—but it's doubtful Holly's reputation as a decent human being will be so lucky. (So can scientists get to work on that a-hole virus, or what? This needs to be a better year.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 5
One of the world-shattering romantic bust-ups of 2013 was undoubtedly that of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. The split led Cyrus on a journey of self-discovery in which she wrote the heartbreaking song "Wrecking Ball," began speaking up for the rights of homeless youth and the LGBT community, and (unfortunately) learned to twerk. Meanwhile, Liam spent most of his time reminding people he wasn't his brother, Chris "Thor" Hemsworth. But now it's 2016, y'all! And a new year means new chances, and a possible romantic reunion for these two former lovebirds! According to multiple sources, Miley and Liam were spotted cuddling and smooshing their faces together over New Year's weekend. And even more interesting, an onlooker noted, "Liam was seen rubbing Miley's back at one point." Now if that doesn't prove Miley and Liam are riding the train to Bone Town, nothing does! Meanwhile, another loose-lipped insider gabbed that Miley is verrrry interested in rekindling the romance, adding she "definitely still loves him... [and] Liam has an interest in being back together too." In addition... WAIT! THIS JUST IN! Miley has just been informed that Liam Hemsworth is in fact NOT "the one who plays Thor," sooooo... never mind, everyone! (Clap! Clap!) Back to twerking rehearsal!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6
In somewhat similar news, pop star/revenge lyricist Taylor Swift and her DJ boyfriend Calvin Harris are NOT, repeat NOT moving in together! On Monday, E! News reported that one of their unimpeachable sources (note sarcasm) said the pair had moved into a Beverly Hills love nest together, and were looking forward to "getting engaged." CUE WORLDWIDE PANIC. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed and a Swift spokesperson quickly spoke up, categorically telling People, "They are absolutely not living together." This was especially good news to Calvin Harris' spokesperson, who noted, "OH THANK GOD. This means my client is still temporarily safe from a career-ruining Taylor Swift revenge song! Somebody break out the champagne!"
THURSDAY, JANUARY 7
For those worried about Justin Bieber no longer being an international embarrassment, today is your lucky day! The allegedly reformed pop prick has blundered again... this time on the site of ancient Mayan ruins. While touring Tulum, Mexico's sacred Mayan pyramids, onsite officials became upset after Bieber and his team broke the rules by walking around the grounds with open alcohol containers. However, that isn't nearly enough to warrant a mention in One Day at a Time, is it, dears? Happily, Li'l Biebles responded by taking things to the next level—which is to say, he climbed the ancient ruins, dropped his pants, and mooned everyone in attendance. Naturally, temple cops kicked out the pop star and his team... but not before they hurled a litany of obscenities at the officials. IN RELATED NEWS... The vengeful Mayan god Hacavitz has called for a human sacrifice, or else he shall rain down 30 years of pestilence upon the earth. Hmmmm... human sacrifice... human sacrifice... dang it. Why isn't a good candidate popping to mind?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 8
And now, dears, what's sure to be the best headline of the week, via the BBC: "'Plot to Kidnap One of Obama's Dogs' Stopped by Police." And the story doesn't disappoint, either! According to the Beeb, Washington, DC, police arrested Scott Stockert, of the proud state of North Dakota, after discovering he "was planning to snatch one of the dogs, either Bo or Sunny." After searching Stockert's crime-mobile (which we really, really hope had "OFFICIAL DOG CATCHER" hastily painted on its doors), police found weapons (including "a shotgun, a rifle, and a machete") and, we're assuming, a few boxes of Milk-Bones. In addition to insisting he was the son of JFK and Marilyn Monroe, Stockert "made several outlandish claims during his arrest, including that he intended to run for president." Wait, wait—we'll admit that threatening to dognap Bo or Sunny is pretty outlandish. But if we're just arresting any delusional jackass who wants to be president, shouldn't Trump be sharing Stockert's cell?
SATURDAY, JANUARY 9
So long, BBC headline about a crazy dude kidnapping Obama's dogs! We have a new best headline of the week, from the illustrious New York Times: "The Drug Lord and the Actor: A Secret Huddle in the Jungle." Let's read that a few more times: Huddle in the jungle. Huddle in the jungle. HUDDLE IN THE JUNGLE. Okay. Anyway! The accompanying story details how eternally obnoxious actor/activist/halfwit Sean Penn, working as a writer for Rolling Stone, somehow managed to interview nefarious drug lord Joaquín Guzmán Loera—better known as "El Chapo." El Chapo—who, for months, has been on the run from Mexican and American authorities after a world-famous jailbreak that only involved a secret tunnel and an underground motorcycle—apparently decided he would let Penn (OF ALL PEOPLE) track him down... and so, for seven hours in a "jungle clearing atop a mountain," the two chatted about El Chapo's accomplishments ("I supply more heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine, and marijuana than anybody else in the world. I have a fleet of submarines, airplanes, trucks, and boats"), his blood-soaked reputation ("Look, all I do is defend myself, nothing more"), and Donald Trump, on whom El Chapo offered a $100 million bounty ("Ah! Mi amigo!"). But while authorities found and arrested El Chapo days later—after another crazy escape attempt—Penn might not get off so easy. According to a Mexican official, all who met with El Chapo—including Penn—are under investigation.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 10
And we end the week, dears, with terrible news: The inimitable, ingenious musician and actor David Bowie has passed away after an 18-month battle with cancer. Bowie—whose brilliant albums, performances, and films challenged and comforted multiple generations—had just come out with a new album, Blackstar. "Dead? Am I reading this right? How is this possible?" Mercury Music Editor Ned Lannamann wrote. "I saw David Bowie once, here in Portland, at a show on April 13, 2004, that took place in the Rose Garden's 'Theater of the Clouds' seating configuration," he recalled. "It was outstanding. As I remember it, he played nearly 30 songs from all stages of his careers, and while Bowie has never loved touring and, at one point in the early '90s, said he would never play his old hits again, the show was generous and joyous and fantastic; he recognized how important his old songs were to fans while simultaneously giving them the opportunity to hear his newer ones. After that tour, Bowie never played shows again. I had no idea how special it was at the time, and believe me, it felt pretty fucking special." Rest in peace, David Bowie—AKA Ziggy Stardust, AKA the Thin White Duke, AKA Major Tom. You were special to all of us.