MONDAY, JANUARY 11

Let's kick off the week with some totes superfluous Golden... Globes... Gossip! Hosted by the superfluously naughty Ricky Gervais—who during the show hilariously asked racist Mel Gibson "What the fuck does 'sugar tits' even mean?"—the awards ceremony featured the never-superfluous presenting team of Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer (AKA J.Law and A.Schu), Creed star Sly Stallone who initially forgot to thank his African American director and co-star (seriously, what would Apollo say?), and a very funny "hit 'n' run" between Lady Gaga and Leo DiCaprio. Inexplicably beating out Felicity Huffman and Kirsten Dunst for the Best Actress Award, Gaga was heading toward the stage to collect her trophy when she bumped a giggling DiCaprio who responded like someone had dropped a jar of tarantulas on him. (Don't fret, Leo—Gaga has that effect on people.) AND AS WE KNOW... After the show comes the "afterparty," and at Harvey Weinstein's post-Globes fête, singer Katy Perry was seen in hyper-flirt mode with dreamy slab o' ham Orlando Bloom, sending the entire party into "giggle murmur-murmur" mode. According to every gossip rag in existence, the pair did most, if not all, of the following: "whispering," "flirting," "leaning in close," "touching the small of her back," "getting super cozy," and "sharing a vape pen." SHARING A VAPE PEN? Gross. And before any of you say anything, may we remind you that Katy Perry's lips have touched those of filthy Hollyweird lothario John Mayer? No further questions, your honor! The defense rests.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12

In news even more disturbing than sharing a vape pen with someone who kissed John Mayer, get ready to gag: Jerry Hall, the former live-in lover of Mick Jagger, has gotten herself engaged to the Jabba the Hutt of global media, Rupert Murdoch. (Blegggghhh, we KNOW, right?) According to the Guardian, the unlikely pair dated for just a few months before dropping the bombshell this weekend that the 59-year-old former model and the 84-year-old billionaire were planning on getting hitched. This will be Murdoch's fourth (sure-to-fail) marriage. No response yet from Jagger, who sired four children with Hall—though the late David Bowie did come back to life temporarily this week to haunt his old friend and say, "Ha. Ha. Ha."

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13

Who wants more disgusting Duggar family news? That's right... YOU DO. When we last left disgraced Josh Duggar—who you'll recall molested five girls, got busted cruising Ashley Madison, and is accused of sexually assaulting a porn actress—he was boo-hooing about how unfair life has been to him from behind the walls of a Christian rehab, which is supposedly treating his sex addiction. Well, it sounds like that this so-called sex rehab is a-okay with conjugal visits, because according to the occasionally unreliable Radar Online (get that grain of salt ready), Josh's wife Anna Duggar is pregnant with her hubby's child. If true, this will be Josh and Anna's fifth kid—which is remarkably restrained for the baby-making sweatshop known as the Duggar clan—and according to a source talking to Life & Style, "[Anna] believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins, and she's vowed to stand by her husband." OH, BROTHER! "'Oh brother' is right, Ann!" God responded. "The only reason they're having babies at all is because someone on my staff forgot to sterilize him—and that someone is sooooo FIRED."

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14

Breaking Backstreet Boys news! Former BSB member Nick Carter was arrested last night during a brawl at the most UN-Backstreet Boy locale imaginable—Florida's Hog's Breath Saloon. According to Gossip Cop, Nick and pal Michael Rae Papayans (definitely NOT a BSB) were allegedly three sheets to the wind when they entered the Hog's Breath, where they were refused service by a law-abiding bartender who didn't seem to care or squeal when confronted by a BSB. This infuriated Nick and Michael who allegedly choked the bouncer and headbutted the bartender (respectively). A scene from the movie Road House ensued, with the staff of the bar jumping into the fray, until police arrived—who ALSO didn't seem to give a whit about Nick's BSB status! Nick and Michael were booked, incarcerated, and remain in custody with other prisoners... who likewise seem to be oblivious or fashionably ignorant of a real, live Backstreet Boy in their midst. (Has the entire state of Florida gone insane??)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15

Watch out, dears: Spoilers for Fuller House to follow! (Oh, who are we kidding—nobody gives two shits about spoilers for Fuller House!) As you no doubt recall, next month Netflix is bringing back the terrible '90s sitcom Full House... with almost everybody in tow. Turns out Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the only cast members with enough pride to refuse Netflix's nostalgia whoring. "Mary-Kate said, 'It would have to be me because Ash doesn't want to do it. But the timing is so bad for us,'" explains shameless producer Bob Boyett in People. While Mary-Kate's excuse sounds like a classic lie to us, their former castmates, like John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos, are taking it in stride, with the actor noting he's been "playing around with jokes, you know" to explain the Olsens' absence. As worrisome as that is, Stamos added something even more terrifying: The sitcom's only saving grace—its mercifully brief episode length—is going away. "You know, the beauty of that show is that there was so much of it and it was so much fun and on Netflix we could turn it in, it was 33 minutes or something. We didn't have to keep it at 22. It was sweet. I think people will like it." Great news, everybody! Uncle Jesse is giving us more of something we didn't ask for in the first place! We truly are living in a golden age of television.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16

Last week, we reported on how the once-respectable Rolling Stone inexplicably agreed to let actor/jackass Sean Penn travel to a secret location in Mexico to interview the nefarious drug lord El Chapo. As a result of that interview, El Chapo was captured—and Penn wants everybody to know he's really, really angry about it! "The article and Mr. Penn's secret meeting with the fugitive head of the Sinaloa drug cartel... were widely viewed as a surreal development, stoked debate about journalistic ethics, and raised questions about how Mr. Penn had been able to track down a high-profile fugitive who had eluded the authorities for six months after escaping from prison," the New York Times reported, but it was Penn's appearance on 60 Minutes that really highlighted how clueless the actor is. "I have a regret that the entire discussion about this article ignores its purpose," Penny told Charlie Rose, "which was to try to contribute to this discussion about the policy in the war on drugs.... My article has failed." Well, no, Sean. That's not why your article failed. Your article failed because it was an annoying publicity stunt that also ignored one of the core tenets of journalism—not letting the interviewee (in this case, a brutally murderous drug lord) approve, in advance, what Rolling Stone could publish, you moronic, self-important amateur. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to climb down off this soapbox and make some jokes about how old Hugh Hefner is! Hmmf!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17

Hugh Hefner is so old that when you buy his house, he can't even move out! That's the news from Los Angeles, where Hef's infamous Playboy Mansion is going on the market for $200 million—a price that includes, as NPR reports, "29 rooms, tennis court, swimming pool, wine cellar, a guest house, game house, movie theater, and a grotto." But buyers might want to lower their expectations. "Izabella St. James, a former Playboy Bunny who lived there from 2002 to 2004, says much of the furniture is old and ratty, the bedding is soiled and tatty, and the dogs who belonged to the Bunnies who lived in the mansion relieve themselves on the curtains and carpets," NPR continues. But that's not even the big catch—the big catch is that anyone who buys the mansion will reportedly have to let the 89-year-old Hef live there until he dies. To be fair, he actually sounds like a pretty good roommate? "Recent reports say Mr. Hefner now fills his nights by slurping canned chicken noodle soup and chomping oatmeal and raisin cookies before he watches old movies with his younger brother and a few old friends," NPR adds. "He sits hand-in-hand with his wife. They say goodnight at 9 pm." Okay, so that doesn't sound too different from the nights we spend with Hubby Kip (and not just because of the tattered poster of Pamela Anderson Kip insists on keeping in the garage). Hmm. Given Portland's housing market, $200 million might not be out of range for our house—especially considering Hef's not included.