MONDAY, MARCH 21
In news that will emotionally crush Beliebers out there, human septic tank Justin Bieber is canceling his after-show meet and greets. Originally, fans purchasing the meet-and-greet package received a concert ticket and photo of themselves with J.Biebs for the low, low price of only $2,000 (!!!), but now? That practice is kaput, according to Justin's whining post on Instagram. "I enjoy meeting such incredible people," Justin lied, but "[I'm] filled with so much of other people's spiritual energy that I end up so drained and unhappy." Ugggh, we know! Being in the presence of people who adore you is just the worst! Naturally, Justin fails to mention the real reason he's dumping the meet and greets: dangerous psycho fans! According to a TMZ source, past meeter-greeters have allegedly pulled Bieber's hair, ripped his clothes, and even given him the flu. (We're calling bullshit on that last part.) Apparently things came to a head at tonight's meet and greet, when one particularly crazy fan, who'd been placed on the security team's watch list, got inside and came within 10 feet of the star. Though the fan was quickly given the boot, it was an incident that allegedly ended the Justin Bieber meet and greets. On the upside, crazed fans can now use that $2,000 to create Selena Gomez (AKA the monster who foolishly broke Justin's heart) voodoo dolls. Never forget.
TUESDAY, MARCH 22
Today in Brussels, three bombs exploded in Belgium's major airport as well as a subway station, killing 35 and wounding more than 300 in what's been called the worst attack since last November's terrorism in France. As of press time, the Islamic State is claiming responsibility for the murders. While all thoughts at this time should be focused squarely on the victims and their families... CUE THE IDIOCY OF DONALD TRUMP AND TED CRUZ. "We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized," said the increasingly racist Ted Cruz, apparently forgetting that Muslims—just like the rest of us—can think for ourselves without police intervention. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump hopped on the imbecile bandwagon, telling NBC's Today that stricter borders are needed, along with a lot more torture. "If it was up to me... waterboarding would be fine," Donald bloviated, adding, "I would do a lot more than waterboarding. You have to get the information from these people." At least one political voice of reason, Hillary Clinton, chimed in to remind us of what most educated people have known for years. "Torture is not effective," Clinton told Good Morning America. "It puts soldiers, and increasingly, our own civilians in danger. [Torture is] like an open recruitment poster for more terrorists, and it's wrong, and it doesn't work." Is it just us, or is Donald Trump not even funny anymore?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23
Finally! One of Portland's most beloved and famous natives will be getting the major motion picture treatment. According to Deadline, actress Margot Robbie (best known for being gorgeous and naked next to Leo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street) will produce and star in a movie based on the life of... wait for it... TONYA HARDING! For you newbies unaware of Portland history, Harding was a championship figure skater who was the first American woman to ever land a triple axle jump in competition! Oh... and yeah, maybe she (and definitely ex-hubby Jeff Gillooly and bodyguard Shawn Eckhardt) had something to do with skating rival Nancy Kerrigan getting bashed in the leg in an attempt to keep her out of the '94 Olympics. But still! A triple axle jump?!? C'mon! So thanks to Margot for taking on Tonya's very inspiring story—which we assume will be VERY complimentary, yes? (Margot has such beautiful legs... shame if anything happens to them.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 24
Today Georgia Republicans are desperately trying to push through the homophobic House Bill 757, which would allow faith-based organizations to actively discriminate against those in the LGBT community—or really, anyone they find objectionable. Too bad for them, Mickey Mouse and Captain America don't stand for that shit. According to Variety, the Walt Disney Co. and its Marvel Studios have vowed to pull their many productions (which includes Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2) out of the state should Governor Nathan Deal sign the bill. Disney and Marvel were joined by the NFL, who strongly hinted that if this bill passed, Georgia might be left out when it comes time to choose very lucrative Super Bowl sites. [Spoiler alert: This coming Monday it was announced Governor Deal very smartly vetoed the bill—because as we all know, money talks and Christian fundamentalist bullshit walks.]
FRIDAY, MARCH 25
Today, longshot presidential candidate Bernie Sanders visited Portland—and more than 11,000 supporters filled the Moda Center to see him, including the likes of the Thermals, whose new album came out today (when warming up the crowd with their 2009 song "Now We Can See," vocalist Hutch Harris thanked the crowd for showing up for their record release party). While Sanders' free appearance was a far cry from frontrunner Hillary Clinton's Portland stops (like her visit last summer, in Portland's richie-rich Dunthorpe neighborhood, where 100 attendees coughed up $2,700 each in order to be allowed into a closed-door dinner), it wasn't Sanders who was the star of today's event. No—that honor goes to the finch that somehow flew into the Moda Center and landed on the podium in the middle of Sanders' stump speech. "I think there may be some symbolism here," Sanders told the crowd, who, because this is Portland, gave the bird a standing ovation. "That bird is really a dove asking us for world peace. No more wars." Okay, Bernie, sure—either it's a magical dove whispering idealistic prophecies, or it's just a freaked-out flying mouse that stupidly flew into a sports arena. Either way! However, it is important to point out that any living thing approaching any presidential candidate in this race is noteworthy. Scientists attending rallies for Donald Trump and Ted Cruz have observed that all flora and fauna within a 50-mile radius instantly withers and dies the second each candidate opens their mouth.
SATURDAY, MARCH 26
Speaking of garbage people Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, the two are now officially feuding—and not to build it up too much, but it's kind of approaching Kanye vs. Taylor levels. Eeeeee! It all began with a National Enquirer report that claimed the Republican Party is investigating rumors Cruz has had affairs with at least five women, with the "claimed mistresses" including "a foxy political consultant and a high-placed DC attorney!" "This National Enquirer story is garbage," Cruz loudly told anyone who would listen. "And it is a smear that has come from Donald Trump and his henchmen." (Oooh! There are henchmen?) "I have no idea whether or not the cover story about Ted Cruz in this week's issue of the National Enquirer is true or not, but I had absolutely nothing to do with it, did not know about it, and have not, as yet, read it," Trump replied, while Cruz went on to blame "Donald's henchman Roger Stone" for the story. "I would note that Mr. Stone is a man who has 50 years of dirty tricks behind him. He is a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent," Cruz said. "Well, let me be clear: Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him." Huh. So that got weird fast. Let's... uh... let's move on.
SUNDAY, MARCH 27
Last week, dears, we reported that during his recent marriage troubles, Ben Affleck apparently got a new tattoo—an elaborate, full-color number that takes up the entirety of his back and, 100 percent hilariously, features a phoenix rising from the ashes. We also noted how Ben's exes reacted to pics of that tattoo, from estranged wife Jennifer Garner ("You know what we would say in my hometown about that? 'Bless his heart,'" she told Vanity Fair. "Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes") to ex-wife Jennifer Lopez ("It's awful!" JLo correctly observed when asked about it on Watch What Happens Live). (Jennifer Aniston, as well as our college roommate Jennifer, could not be reached for comment.) BUT WAIT! It now appears there's another development in the saga of Ben's stupid tattoo! "In an interview with Extra to promote Batman v Superman, Affleck [has] revealed that his controversial full back tattoo is in fact fake," GQ reports, adding that Affleck claims it was merely makeup for a character in his upcoming film, Live by Night. While some gossip slingers were all too happy to accept Ben's excuse (we're looking at YOU, GQ), we think it's far more likely Affleck merely had the tattoo hastily removed after realizing he was getting made fun of. Laser away, Ben, laser away—just know that, in our hearts, you'll always have a full-back phoenix tattoo.