MONDAY, APRIL 25
Welcome back, dears, to One Day at a Time—the only source of news you need for the rest of the week. (And possibly... your life?) We begin where we left off last week: With Beyoncé's Lemonade, which is still the best thing that's ever existed! Well... unless you ask old white guy/British twit Piers Morgan. "The new Beyoncé wants to be seen as a black woman political activist first and foremost, entertainer and musician second," Morgan scolded, despite no one having asked an old white British guy what he thought. "I still think she's a wonderful singer and performer, and some of the music on Lemonade is fantastic. But I have to be honest, I preferred the old Beyoncé. The less inflammatory, agitating one." HOOOOO BOY. Where to begin? Thankfully, we don't have to, as Mercury contributor Jenni Moore (who reviews Lemonade for us in this very issue) shot back! "Maybe don't speak on how an artist should or shouldn't empower the women of her culture. It is not your place," Moore tweeted, correctly pointing out, "It is 100% Beyoncé's purpose and prerogative to use her voice and art to inspire her culture. She doesn't have to always appeal to everyone." Yep. That about sums it up. Now everybody go read Jenni's review of Lemonade! We'll wait.
TUESDAY, APRIL 26
Now that was a good read, right? So good! Anyway, some other stuff happened this week (we guess). Such as... "Kanye West Won't Watch Porn with the Sound On," reports the Superficial, who note that on the series finale of Kocktails with Khloé, West reveals, "I've never watched porn with the sound on. I lived with my mom in high school, then I lived in my mother-in-law's [Kris Jenner] house. There's kids next door and stuff." Ignoring the fact that Kanye has apparently never heard of headphones, wife Kim Kardashian jumped in. "He probably watches Japanese anime porn," she added. Yes, Kim. He probably does. Let's stop talking about this. MOVING ON! "Chris Hemsworth Goes Surfing with His Super Hot, Super Ripped Dad Craig," reads the orgasmic headline of Us Weekly. Us breathlessly continues, "The father-son duo looked practically the same age from the neck down, showing off their ripped, shirtless bods while exiting the ocean with their boards in tow." We don't know whether to be weirded out or... turned on? (Oh, who're we fooling—there's like a 95 percent chance we'll end up with "turned on.")
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27
Just so we hit this week's schadenfreude quota, let's check in on the GOP race! "John A. Boehner never minced words as House speaker, but he usually leveled his insults behind closed doors," the New York Times reports. And Boehner's doors? They're no longer closed. At an appearance at Stanford University today, Boehner described presidential contender Ted Cruz as "Lucifer in the flesh." Do go on, John! "I have Democrat friends and Republican friends," Boehner said of Cruz. "I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." Noting that he sometimes plays golf with Donald Trump and considers him a "texting buddy" (that's code for Grindr, right?), Boehner added, "If we don't have a nominee who can win on the first ballot, I'm for none of the above... I'm for Paul Ryan to be our nominee." That, dears, would be the Paul Ryan who's adamantly refusing to run. In conclusion, the GOP is in hateful shambles, and in 2016 there's no way that anyone would vote Republic—THIS JUST IN! "A new poll of Republican voters in Oregon finds that Donald Trump has a double-digit lead in the state's May 17 primary," reports OPB, "while Ted Cruz is second despite pulling out of the state." We now pause so that everyone can spend the next 60 seconds cringing. (Oh, and OPB? You misspelled "Lucifer.")
THURSDAY, APRIL 28
Let's take a moment to check in on America's favorite sham religion (next to Christianity, of course), Scientology! Ron Miscavige, father to current Scientology head guru, David Miscavige, has penned a book, Ruthless: Scientology, My Son David Miscavige, and Me, which apparently talks about how he introduced his son to the religion, and things went a bit sideways. Miscavige the Elder, who left the church in 2012, claims that young David clawed his way to the top of the Scientology ranks, and backs up many of the claims revealed in the famous tell-all, Going Clear. He also accuses his son of being erratic and abusive, subjecting members to abysmal living conditions, which include confining them to David's secret Gold Base compound surrounded by spikes and razor wire fences. Naturally, Scientology reps are calling the book a "betrayal," adding that, "Scientologists worldwide love and respect Mr. David Miscavige." HOWEVER! Let's check in with Scientology's primary spokesalien, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, to get his take on this new, controversial book. "Sniff! Sniff! Don't look at me, Ann!" Klaktu sobbed over intergalactic holotube. "I'M NOT CRYING! My gills are simply expectorating." But... Klaktu... what's wrong? "Oh, I'll tell you what's wrong!" Klaktu wailed, tentacles flailing. "That blasphemous Ron Miscavige is just as traitorous as my own male-membered parental unit, Thongar! When I ascended to my throne of skulls, Papa Thongar wrote a memoir about me as well, claiming I had wiped out 12 star systems in the name of our glorious leader L. Ron Hubbard!" And... that wasn't true? "OF COURSE IT WASN'T, ANN!" Klaktu howled in fury. "He knows very well I slaughtered 13-and-a-half star systems! OHHH! You always were jealous of my success, Daddy!!"
FRIDAY, APRIL 29
Today in "backpedaling as furiously as possible": Variety reported that comic actor Will Ferrell was set to produce and star in a "dementia comedy" about Ronald Reagan, and things got a bit... ahh... heated. According to the film's synopsis, the action takes place at the beginning of the president's second term, when the former actor "falls into dementia," and in order to fulfill his duties, has to be convinced he's playing the president in a movie. Needless to say, the reaction has been less than positive. Attacks were launched by the Alzheimer's Association, as well as Reagan's daughter Patti Davis, who wrote, "Perhaps for your comedy you'd like to visit some dementia facilities. I have—I didn't find anything comedic there." OUCH. And let the backpedaling begin! Not only did Ferrell distance himself from the project faster than you can say Zoolander 2, his trusty PR flack told Page Six that the film isn't actually an "Alzheimer's comedy," and even if it were, Ferrell never officially signed on to the film. The publicist then quickly shined a mysterious pen-shaped object into everyone's eyes, and the incident was forgotten forever.
SATURDAY, APRIL 30
Tonight marked President Obama's final White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, an annual star-studded affair that allows the president to roast friends and enemies alike. For example? "They say Donald [Trump] lacks the foreign policy experience to be president," Obama said to the crowd. "But in fairness he has spent years meeting with leaders from around the world: Miss Sweden, Miss Argentina, Miss Azerbaijan." The president was followed by comedian Larry Wilmore of The Nightly Show who kicked off his set with, "Welcome to Negro Night here in Washington—or as Fox News will report, 'Two Thugs Disrupt Elegant Dinner in DC.'" And what important state function would be complete without a Kardashian in attendance? Prior to the dinner, Kendall Jenner stepped up to meet the president who reportedly told her, "Say hi to Kim and Kanye." According to People magazine, Kendall took this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with the president to make her most thought-provoking statement yet: "Okay." (C'mon! What did you guys expect? She's not exactly the poet laureate.)
SUNDAY, MAY 1
Human turd/pop star Justin Bieber (who FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY shaved off his culturally inappropriate blond dreadlocks) attended his father Jeremy Bieber's engagement party this weekend in Toronto, aaaaaand it was just about as eye-rollingly douchey as one would expect. Beiber Senior, dressed in a paisley jacket, white Kangol hat, and undoubtedly soaked in Axe body spray, celebrated at the party with an actual tiger (which Justin sullenly petted), former pro boxer Lennox Lewis (who Justin sullenly posed alongside), and the Batmobile from the original TV series (which Justin sullenly pretended to drive). In sullen Justin's defense, his father is a walking Entourage: The Complete Series DVD who obviously passed down the douche gene to his son. Justin was also really, really, really missing his culturally inappropriate dreads! (May they FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY rest in peace.)