MONDAY, MAY 30
Any world in which Johnny Depp resides is bound to experience some turmoil, because—c'mon. Those scarves. They are both incessant and unnecessary. However, now this turmoil has grown exponentially following accusations of abuse from his soon-to-be-ex, Amber Heard. Last week, following their divorce announcement, Amber appeared in court to accuse Johnny of physical and verbal abuse, claiming he's regularly drunk and abusive, and that he hit her in the eye with a cell phone. (Johnny and his reps are tenaciously refusing to comment.) People magazine reports the pair's relationship has always been tempestuous, even on their wedding day when Amber got cold feet and almost became a runaway bride. In a New York Post story terribly headlined "Depps of Hell" (Ugh! That's bad even for them), one of Amber's confidantes confided that she'd heard many tales of the actor's abuse, claiming that at one time Johnny tried to smother his wife with a pillow. Meanwhile, Johnny's pals are leaping to the scarfed one's defense, saying that Amber's accusations are bunk. TMZ reports that at one point, Johnny's security guards rushed into the couple's room after hearing Amber scream "stop hitting me," only to allegedly discover her a good 20 feet away from Depp. Amber has also decided to sue comedian Doug Stanhope for defamation after the libertarian podcaster wrote an article claiming she was lying about her abuse. (Stanhope admitted in the article he was a pal of Depp's. He also revealed he has a girlfriend named "Bingo." Bingo? Bingo was her name-o?) Hopefully the truth will eventually reveal itself (and haters need to shut their fucking mouths until it does)—but until then, Depp clearly has two things working against him: (1) He's in a band called the Hollywood Vampires with rocker Alice Cooper and Aerosmith's Joe Perry (?!?), and (2) scarves. Seriously, the scarves are not helping.
TUESDAY, MAY 31
Here's some bad news: We weren't invited to Drake's Memorial Day party. Didn't even hear about it until now, which is bullshit—especially considering the heavy makeout sessions that were going on. For example, according to People magazine, Kardashian klan kutie Kylie Jenner was spotted smashing her mouth into that of clumsily named rapper PartyNextDoor. (Eye roll! First there was "The Weeknd," and now "PartyNextDoor"? Maybe we'll start a music career and name ourselves, "EatingaSandwichontheToilet.") MEANWHILE... At the same goddamned party we weren't invited to—possibly because of our penchant for making fun of people's stupid names—host Drake was also getting snuggly with model Haley Baldwin (last seen cavorting with d-bag Justin Bieber). "They were having a lot of fun together and were very affectionate," said a party guest who probably blew the right people in order to be invited. WE'RE SORRY, BUT WE'RE MAD. And we're entitled to our feelings. So fuck Drake, fuck Haley, fuck Kylie, and fuck PartyNextDoor—which we also weren't invited to, BTW!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1
Big news! Singing stick figure Taylor Swift and irrationally successful DJ Calvin Harris are splitzo! But hold on: In Taylor's defense, she managed to hold on to Calvin for an incredible 15 entire months before making him wish he was dead. "There was no drama," said a lying liar about the couple's bust-up. "Things just don't work out sometimes." Fast forward 25 seconds when Taylor Swift exacts a cruel and lasting revenge on Calvin Harris, destroying his career, murdering his entire family, and salting the earth in her wake. Oh, and then writing a song about it, making a million dollars, and winning a Billboard Music Award that should've gone to someone far more deserving. You know... stuff like that.
THURSDAY, JUNE 2
Say what you will about Hillary Clinton—except for Bernie Bros... we've heard quite enough from you—but she knows how to drop a nuclear arsenal of whup-ass on Donald Trump. Delivering a speech on national security in San Diego, Hillary tore into the orange-tinted bag of hot air with gleeful, laser-like precision. Here's just a taste: "Donald Trump doesn't know the first thing about Iran or its nuclear program," she truthfully stated. "Ask him. It'll become very clear, very quickly. You know, there's no risk of people losing their lives if you blow up a golf course deal. But it doesn't work like that in world affairs. Just like being interviewed on the same episode of 60 Minutes as Putin is not the same thing as actually 'dealing with Putin.' So the stakes in global statecraft are infinitely higher and more complex than in the world of luxury hotels. We all know the tools that Donald Trump brings to the table. Bragging, mocking, composing nasty tweets. I'm willing to bet he's writing a few right now. But those tools won't do the trick. Rather than solving global crises, he would create new ones." And how did Trump respond to Hillary's accusations? "Bad performance by Crooked Hillary Clinton!" Trump loudly tweeted. "Reading poorly from the telepromter! [sic] She doesn't even look presidential!" (He could not have proven her point any better.)
FRIDAY, JUNE 3
According to People's Style News, walking train wreck Kim Kardashian is trying to accomplish the impossible: bringing spandex bike shorts into style. Its been well documented that Kim will do anything short of murder to reintroduce gaudy '90s fashion to the masses—which is probably why she was spotted trotting around Venice, California, wearing an overly warm, baroquely studded motorcycle jacket, a white lace top, and the aforementioned atrocious spandex bicycle shorts. Note to those insecure few who may actually be influenced by the always stylistically wrongheaded Kim K: Spandex bicycle shorts look ridiculous on the posers who superfluously pretend-race up and down the Springwater Corridor—so why on EARTH would they look good on you?
SATURDAY, JUNE 4
First David Bowie. Then Prince. Now we can add the passing of another champion to our ever-growing list of sadness: fighter Muhammad Ali, who died today of respiratory failure at the age of 74. The self-proclaimed (and absolutely accurate) "greatest" was a three-time heavyweight world champion who constantly defied cliché by speaking out for civil rights, refusing to serve in the Vietnam War, and converting to Islam. (Fun fact: Ali was political to the end, recently criticizing Donald Trump's hateful rhetoric about banning Muslims by saying, "We as Muslims have to stand up to those who use Islam to advance their own personal agenda.") And we're just scratching the surface of a man whose life was truly extraordinary. Check out the terrific documentaries When We Were Kings (1996) and The Trials of Muhammad Ali (2013) to learn more about this incredible, complicated human who will always, as he put it, "float like a butterfly and sting like a bee."
SUNDAY, JUNE 5
Only Kanye West can cause a completely unnecessary riot, and then inspire the participants of that same riot to say, "Cool riot." Today West was scheduled to perform a headlining set at the outdoor Governor's Ball in NYC—which was unfortunately cancelled due to weather. Now most artists would say, "Oh that's too bad—but I'll probably perform in NYC soon, so no big whoop." NOT KANYE WEST. Instead, Kanye quickly scheduled a surprise performance at Webster Hall at 2 am—in the freaking MORNING. And for reasons known to only the clearly brainwashed participants, more than 4,000 people showed up to the venue, which could only seat 1,500. The streets were so packed, Webster Hall was forced to cancel that show as well—which inspired Yeezy to tell the organizers to "call the mayor and shut down the block [for] about four streets... so they can have a party outside." Shockingly, this did not work either! Not in the least! So what did he do then? Unable to perform, Kanye climbed into his car and rode straight down 2nd Avenue, directly into the chaotic crowd, where he popped out of his sunroof and waved to all his fans who blindly followed him down the street as if he were some sort of messiah/Pied Piper. Unfortunately, he pushed it a bit too far when he turned to the crowd and yelled, "Okay, people! How many of you are gonna start wearing spandex bike shorts?" The crowd of 4,000 immediately stopped in their tracks, said, "fuck that," and went straight home to bed.