MONDAY, JULY 25

Last week, dears, humanity endured the Republican National Convention the Donald J. Trump White Supremacy Hootenanny 'n' Scream-a-thon... which means this week, we’re doomed to witness the Democratic National Convention Hillary Clinton's Awkward House Party That No One Really Wants to Go to But It's Definitely Better Than That Other Party So Here We Are. Things got off to a rocky start, with die-hard Bernie Sanders supporters stealing the GOP’s chant of “Lock her up!” and constantly booing. They even booed Bernie. Hey, Bernie bros? Maybe stop acting so... oh, we don’t know... bro-y? MEANWHILE... Our beloved Michelle Obama saved the day, delivering a powerful, personal speech. “The unquestioned star of the program on Monday was Mrs. Obama, who used her prime-time speech to describe an optimistic, confident view of American social progress, and to embrace Mrs. Clinton as the natural heir to the Obama presidency,” wrote the New York Times. ALAS... Not everyone was won over—including actress/Bernie fan Susan Sarandon. “Susan Sarandon is having literally the worst time at the #DemConvention,” tweeted journalist Ian McKenna, posting a GIF of Sarandon grumpily shaking her head as others clapped around her. “Accurate,” Sarandon noted dryly when she retweeted McKenna. MEANWHILE... Can anything bring these feuding liberals together? Can anyone save our teetering political system before it collapses? BEHOLD... “Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson might just be the people’s choice for President,” reports Time! “At the Democratic National Convention on Monday, fans held up signs showing their support for the Ballers star as an alternate candidate in this year's contentious race. It’s not totally out of left field: earlier this spring, he admitted that he finds the political arena attractive.” “Thanks, Time,” wrote the Rock on Instagram. “Years from now if I feel I can step up and become a strong, impactful, and authentic leader for the people and our country—I will. Until then let’s get back to work. ” Swoon. Look, we know 2016 has been a hell of a year—controversial and angry and disheartening—but if anyone can save us... let’s be honest. It's President Rock. (Or should that be President The Rock? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, we suppose.)

TUESDAY, JULY 26

Orrrrrr the whole world could come crashing down thanks to Pokémon nerds. “Baby name tracking site Babycenter noticed an alarming uptick in parents saddling their offspring with the names of fictional monsters” from Pokémon Go, Gizmodo reports, noting that pure, innocent, unsuspecting babies are being doomed to lives of pain and suffering thanks to stupid names like “Eeevee,” “Onyx,” and “Ash.” You know what? If this is what we’re naming our children, maybe we do deserve a country that’s fractured beyond repair. Attention everyone: Do better. (Especially you, Poké-dweebs.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27

And just when we thought we’d lost faith in the world, along comes some delish celeb gossip to bolster our spirits! “Contrary to reports, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are not back together,” writes Us! “Jennifer did not take Ben back,” gabs Us’ mysterious source. “There are no plans for a second honeymoon anywhere. They are 100 percent still separated and focused on co-parenting for the kids’ sake.” While Affleck and Garner have apparently “mended” much of the damage to their relationship—which reportedly came out when Ben started sleeping with their nanny—things are apparently still a bit chilly. Maybe they just need a good marriage counselor! Like maybe... the Rock? He seems like he’d have some very wise counsel, doesn’t he? MEANWHILE... Last week, we noted former One Day at a Time superstar Lindsay Lohan had poked her freckled face back into the gossip pages—first by going online and accusing her poorly named boyfriend Egor Tarabasov (that’s a Pokémon, right?) of banging a Russian hooker, then by screaming at Egor at 5 am on their balcony, and then telling everyone to mind their own business! “There are more important things going on in the world,” LiLo huffily posted on Instagram, “than our relationship.” Well, now, rumors that Linds is preggo with a little Egor (gross) are intensifying, with Lindsay’s creepy dad Michael going to Page Six, the Daily Mail, AND Us to tell them Lindsay texted him the phrase “Daddy, I'm pregnant.” Sounds pretty straightforward to us! ON THE OTHER HAND... Maybe she’s not? Because this week, TMZ reports, Lindsay showed up on a yacht in Sardinia, Italy, sans Egor and smoking a cigarette. That’s... generally not something pregnant women do? Then again, it is Lindsay, so.... Quick! Someone solve this mystery! *Looks in the Rock's direction*

THURSDAY, JULY 28

Hello, history! Tonight marked a moment to for the ages: Hillary Clinton became the first woman in US history to accept a major party nomination for President of the United States. (As Veep Joe Biden once put it, “This is a big fucking deal.”) And while her speech may have not reached the dizzying heights of the Obamas' message of hope, it was solid: pragmatism mixed with progressivism. "A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man you can trust with nuclear weapons," Clinton said in a knockout punch to her pumpkin-colored opponent. The nominee also went on to provide a progressive laundry list of dreams for the future—a nod to Bernie Sanders and his supporters, whose long fight pushed the DNC to move their platform further to the left (where it belongs). And while some Sanders supporters stomped out in a huff, Trump’s running mate Mike Pence made the strongest case yet for getting behind Hillary Clinton in November with these words spoken today in Grand Rapids, Michigan: “I’m pro-life and I don’t apologize for it,” Pence said. “[Trump and I] will see Roe v. Wade consigned to the ash heap of history where it belongs.” As Obama and Clinton said this week, “Don’t boo—vote.”

FRIDAY, JULY 29

This week Harper’s Bazaar featured an interview with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, which lowered the collective IQ of the nation by 8.5 percent. K ’n’ K fielded questions on a number of personal topics including finances, insecurities, and body size. "I love [Kim's] nude selfies," Kanye opined. “I think it’s important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing.” Now before your head spirals off your neck in confusion, please consider the source—because even Kanye considers himself an unreliable narrator. "I actually don't like thinking," he later said. “I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I don't like to think at all.” Thanks for admitting it, Kanye—but to quote our founding fathers, “We hold these truths to be self-evident.”

SATURDAY, JULY 30

In other self-evident truths, Justin Bieber is a big, dumb douche. According to TMZ, Biebs was offered a whopping $5 million "by GOP donors" to perform a concert near Trump’s Republican National Convention—and apparently he was actually considering it! Why would he make such an idiotic, career-killing move? “Partly because he’s Canadian and didn’t have a dog in the fight,” TMZ wrote, “and partly because of the money.” Luckily for him, he eventually turned the gig down—but only after being advised against it by manager Scooter Braun, his backing band (most of whom are black), NBA baller LeBron James, and everyone else with a reasonable thought in their head. (Hmmm... Kanye admitted he doesn’t think much... Maybe they should’ve asked him!)

SUNDAY, JULY 31

Today in “Donald Trump Says Something Stupid... AGAIN”: During an emotional speech at the Democratic National Convention, the father of a Muslim American soldier who died serving in Iraq, Khizr Khan, challenged the pampered billionaire, telling him, "You have sacrificed nothing and no one." Trump shot back in an ABC News interview, “I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures.” He also implied that Khan’s wife, Ghazala, wasn’t allowed to speak at the DNC because she is a Muslim. So basically, he insulted Muslims, women, American soldiers, and everyone else with a conscience—including Sen. John McCain, who denounced Trump, adding that the nominee’s views do not reflect those of the GOP. Khan stood up for himself and his wife as well, reminding the world that Trump has a "black soul" (not the good kind) and is “totally unfit for the leadership of this country.” (No one asked Khan what he thought of the Rock—but like all good Americans, let’s assume he loves him.)