MONDAY, AUGUST 22
Letâs see how democracy is unraveling this week, shall we? FIRST... âNo American election has ever featured two major-party nominees as old as Mr. Trump, 70, and Mrs. Clinton, 68, and they have kept a grueling pace for more than a year,â reports the New York Times. And yet? Both âhave been more secretive and selective than many recent presidential nominees in providing up-to-date details about their personal health,â the Times adds. In short, 2016âs decrepit, doddering candidates will probably die any minute now... or, at the very least, forget where they put the nuclear codes, confuse foreign dignitaries with their grandchildren, and casually mutter racist stuff and then act surprised when younger people call them on it. (Oh, wait... Trumpâs already doing that.) SECOND... Like every Democrat ever, Clintonâwho, again, will probably die any minuteâhas the edge on Trump when it comes to one slice of the electorate: obnoxious Hollywood celebrities. Which explains why she was set to have a $33,400-per-guest fundraiser at Leonardo DiCaprioâs house this week... until DiCaprio canceled! While Leo got his pals Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel to host instead, tongues wagged about why he bailed. âLeo is [trying] to finish his current project in time for... the Toronto Film Festival,â a Clinton insider told Page Sixâbut others think the snub had to do with a Hollywood Reporter story suggesting DiCaprioâs foundation âcould be linked to a scandal involving a Malaysian sovereign wealth fund, at the same time Hillary and Bill Clintonâs own charitable fund is under scrutiny.â Umm... WHO CARES? A private audience with Justin âSexyBackâ Timberlake is easily worth $33,400... unlike hearing DiCaprio blather on and on about how great he was in The Revenant. We get it, Leo. You were cold.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23
âI went out and I thought it was like a wave pool,â Britney Spears told DJ Scott Mills on BBC Radio 1, remembering her recent trip to Hawaii. âAnd I was like, âThis is so nice and refreshing and just beautiful!â But the thing I didnât think about is when you come back, the waves really come in hard.â Yes, dearsâbrace yourselves, because Britney Spears almost died. âI got sucked under for, like, five minutes,â Spears bravely continued. âI literally almost drowned. And Iâm like, âWhereâs my security? Theyâre just going to let me die here?â And then I came in again and another wave took me under!â Thank god, the crisis was avertedâbut as we were just talking about yesterday, dears, life is fragile and celebrities could die at any time. At least when presidents die, they have vice presidents for backups! But who is our Vice Britney, dears? Who is our Vice Britney???
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24
In the best news weâve heard all week, Us reports that Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have had a âmajor argument.â EEEEEE! Loyal readers will, of course, remember Hiddleston as the most handsome, charming, and talented man who has ever lived, not to mention the gentleman with whom we will eventually share our life, our laughter, and our love. They will also, of course, remember Swift as the woman whoâs trying to ruin this for us. âThe issues came from the 35-year-old actorâs busy schedule,â Us reports of the spat, making our heart sing. âThey werenât spending as much time togetherâ as Hiddleston filmed Thor: Ragnarok, a Swift insider gabbed. âThere was so much going on so it was hard making their schedules work, and they were upset they couldnât see each other.â So thatâs fantastic, and of course weâd let Tommy make whatever stupid little superhero movie he wants, so long as it made him happy, so itâs only a matter of time until he realizes this anâoh, goddammit. âHiddleston flew out to [Swiftâs] seven-bedroom Rhode Island spread August 14 for a quick two-day stay before reporting back to work Down Under,â Us continues, spitting on every single one of our dreams. âTheyâve had some schedule issues, but... they are making it work,â the Swift insider adds. Booooo! BOOOO! To hell with Taylor Swift, and to hell with her seven-bedroom Rhode Island spread, and to hell with Thor: Ragnarok! We bet it isnât even very good! Wait... we didnât mean any of that! Well, okayâwe meant all of it. Letâs just pray Tommy never reads this. (But just in case he does: Hiiiiiii Tom! XOXOXO!)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 25
After hearing Britney Spearsâ harrowing Hawaiian tale of being âsucked under for, like, five minutesâ (anybody else think sheâs exaggerating here?), the Lifetime Network probably said to themselves, âHey. Have we done a shitty Britney Spears biopic yet? WE HAVENâT? What are we waiting for??$$$??â And so it came to pass, Lifetime is now producing a shitty biopic about Britney Spearsâwho according to Entertainment Weekly, doesnât want anything to do with it âin any way, shape, or form.â This is kinda understandable since Lifetimeâs cinematic portrayal of a bald Britney swinging a golf umbrella might not be exactly âsensitive.â On the upside, weâve already got this film castâin our beautiful head! We think the occasionally crazy Tara Reid (from the Sharknado franchise) would make a great Brit-Brit, and who better to portray her former d-bag hubby Kevin Federline than the king of current d-bags, Justin Bieber? Whew! Weâre glad weâre not driving right now because all we can see are dollar signs!!$$$!!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 26
And if you need a reminder that the internet is a terrible placeâseriously, it is FUCKED... UPâthereâs this: The wonderful Leslie Jones, star of SNL and the recent Ghostbusters reboot, had her personal website hacked by garbage humans, who posted her private information (like driverâs license and passport) as well as nude photos. Why? Because these hackers are GARBAGE and the internet is FUCKED... UP. On the upside, the federal government apparently loves Leslie as much as the rest of us, and is sending the Department of Homeland Security (which has a terrific cyber crimes division) to investigate the hack. Hopefully this will lead to the arrest of these FUCKED... UP butthole garbage creeps who will then be buried up to their necks in donkey poop, surrounded by angry yellow jackets, and forced to listen to Adeleâs âSend My Love (To Your New Lover)â on repeat, which is our version of hell anyway.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 27
Now itâs time for our semi-annual feature âGossip for Grandparents!â (So youâll have something to talk to your grandparents about other than their goiters.) The hobbling relationship between 82-year-old, suspenders-wearing lizard Larry King and his 56-year-old child bride Shawn King has reportedly hit the skids (again)! As your grandparents probably remember, six years ago Larry was caught dangling his lizard penis into the vagina of Shawnâs own sister (!!), thereby inspiring Shawn to revenge-bang their childrenâs douchey Little League coach. (Note to Larry and Shawn: Dynasty went off the air in 1989.) For some reason they chose not to divorceâprobably because Larry didnât want Shawn dipping into his $144 million fortune. Anyway! Fast forward to today, where Page Six is reporting that Shawn has been stepping out againâthis time with âwell-renowned speech therapistâ Richard Greene, whoâs allegedly been banging Larryâs lady on the down-low for years. (We assume following a healthy dose of little blue pills and hormone injections.) Reps for Shawna and Richard are calling the story âinaccurateâ (though not flatly denying it), which means Larry may finally have enough evidence to divorce Shawn without losing his vault of Scrooge McDuck gold doubloons. And even more interestingly... wait... have your grandparents fallen asleep? Good. Letâs sneak out and talk about something from this century...
SUNDAY, AUGUST 28
...like the MTV Video Music Awards! (Not exactly from this century either, but at least itâs getting closer.) The annual star-studded gala went down tonight, and this yearâs theme was âLetâs Shade Taylor Swift.â Suspiciously Taylor was not in attendance this yearâbut it had nothing to do with ex-b-friend Calvin Harris winning an award, or Kanye West being given four minutes of stage time to talk about anything he wants. (That sound you hear is Taylorâs private space shuttle blasting off to the moon.) For example, during his âBest Male Videoâ acceptance speech for âThis Is What You Came For,â jilted Calvin neglected to mention Taylor. Like... at all. Like... even though she wrote the songâs lyrics, sang the backup vocals, and owns the publishing rights. (He probably just forgot, right?) Meanwhile there were two surprising revelations from Kanyeâs four-minute-long speech. (1) It wasnât 40 minutes long. And (2) he only mentioned Taylorâs name onceâjust to again remind everyone that he called Tay-Tay before including a diss about her in his song âFamous,â and that she lied about it and got stone-cold BUSTED. (No response from Taylor yetâbut reception is kind of tricky when youâre hiding on the other side of the moon.)