MONDAY, AUGUST 29

This week begins with some sad, sad news. The brilliant, charming, and sweet actor and novelist Gene Wilder died today at age 83, after a lifetime spent making some of the best and funniest movies ever seen: from Blazing Saddles to Young Frankenstein, The Producers to Bonnie and Clyde, Wilder’s contributions were many and beloved. Following the heartbreaking news of Wilder’s death, his family revealed he’d been suffering from Alzheimer’s. “The decision to wait until this time to disclose his condition wasn’t vanity, but more so that the countless young children that would smile or call out to him, ‘There’s Willy Wonka’ would not [cause] delight to travel to worry, disappointment or confusion,” wrote Jordan Walker-Pearlman, Wilder’s nephew. “He simply couldn’t bear the idea of one less smile in the world.” We’ll miss you, Gene. And Hubby Kip? Make some popcorn—the only way to deal with news this awful is with Young Frankenstein. (Sorry—that should be pronounced Fronk-en-steen.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

How sad is the passing of Gene Wilder? It’s so sad it even makes the 2016 election seem less depressing! But to be fair, the candidates are doing their best to make it miserable! Take Hillary Clinton, who, in an effort to pander to right-wingers, is turning to an unlikely ally: Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. The New York Times reports there’s been a marked increase in the Clinton campaign’s use of Christian terminology and imagery. “This repeated adoption of God-talk by liberals signals a shift from the rhetorical norms of the last 40 years of presidential politics,” notes Samuel G. Freedman. “Beginning with the prominent role of the group Moral Majority in Ronald Reagan’s 1980 campaign, conservative Republicans were the ones linking their political positions to Christian principles. In mobilizing their own constituency, Democrats deplored the specter of religious influence on public policy.” Depressingly, that sensible, secular era for Democrats appears to be ending—so expect to hear a lot about Jesus in the coming months! “Oh, for fuck’s sake—are you shitting me?” muttered Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, when reached for comment. “Look, if you’ve ever appreciated anything I did for you—and do I have to fucking remind you what I did?—then I’m begging you: Please, please do me a solid and leave me out of this God-forsaken shitshow.” Shaking his head, Jesus gathered his robes and tightened his sandals. “Look, just let me know when this election’s over, okay? ’Til then, I’ll be over at Vishnu’s place. He finally got a PlayStation. And don’t bother texting, because I’m turning my phone off.”

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

Even when things are lousy, it’s worth counting our blessings—like that it’s been a while since woman-beater Chris Brown did anything stupid and horrible. We should appreciate these momen—oops! Never mind! According to Rolling Stone, police “responded to a call for help at Brown’s home in the Tarzana neighborhood at around 3 am.” The cause? A woman who “accused Brown of pointing a gun at her in a rage before she ran outside to phone the police. Officers attempted to enter the home, but were told to get a search warrant.” Thus began a 14-hour standoff—yes, 14 hours—that, shockingly, began with Brown being an alleged violent, misogynistic asshole. “Baylee Curran, a guest at Chris Brown’s Los Angeles home, told GMA [that] Brown pointed a gun at her face after he became angry when she complimented another man’s jewelry,” Good Morning America reports. In what will almost certainly be the understatement of the week, Curran explained how it felt to ABC News. “I didn’t want anything to escalate because, hello, he’s holding a gun to me,” she said. After finally being arrested, Brown was released on $250,000 bail—which means, uh, don’t go to Los Angeles for a while, okay? And if you have to? Don’t look at any jewelry that isn’t Chris Brown’s. Actually, just don’t look at any jewelry, period.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

Actress (and creator of HBO’s Girls) Lena Dunham is often a fantastic spokesperson for feminism—but sometimes? SHUT UP, LENA DUNHAM. In an interview with comedian Amy Schumer for Lena’s Lenny newsletter, the pair were talking about attending the Met Gala when Dunham dropped this unfortunate bon mot. “I was sitting next to [black NFL player] Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards,” she said. “He was like, ‘That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.’ It wasn’t mean—he just seemed confused.” So along with being a writer for HBO sitcoms, Lena can now read minds, too? Unsurprisingly, the internet went kerblooey over her automatic depiction of a black man being a sexist misogynist without any real proof. She later tried to brush it off on Twitter, claiming “my story about him was clearly (to me) about my own insecurities as an average-bodied woman at a table of supermodels & athletes.” Yeaaahhh, but... unh-unh. Later Lena went on to actually apologize, in the most Lena Dunham way possible. “I owe Odell Beckham Jr. an apology,” she wrote. “Despite my moments of bravado, I struggle at industry events (and in life) with the sense that I don’t rep a certain standard of beauty... [ugh, let’s skip ahead]... This felt especially intense with a handsome athlete as my dinner companion... [ugh, skipping]... I went ahead and projected these insecurities and made totally narcissistic assumptions about what he was thinking... [ugh, skipping]... contribute to a long and often violent history of the over-sexualization of black male bodies... [oh dear god, skipping].... I shouldn’t have acted like I did.” FINALLY! And the internet was sorry too—for inspiring Lena’s long-winded bloviating apology. Nobody wins today, folks!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

Now on to actual misogynistic sexist assholes: Convicted Stanford University student (and rapist who sexually assaulted an unconscious woman) Brock Turner was released from prison today—after serving only three months. You’ll remember Brock as the pampered white athlete whose father begged the judge for probation instead of jail time because, as he wrote, “that is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.” OH YOU FLAMING PILE OF PRIVILEGED GARBAGE. So instead of 14 years of prison (which is the least he deserved), Brock was sentenced to six months—and served only three. Shocked? Don’t be. According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, “only about one out of four reported rapes leads to an arrest, and only about one out of four arrests leads to a felony conviction and incarceration.” This translates into just three of every 100 rapists serving time. As Turner left jail after his quick three-month stay, a reporter asked him if he wanted to apologize. Unsurprisingly, he said nothing.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

More internet outrage! Today the often-controversial Kanye West placed an ad calling for models for his next fashion show—but noted that “multiracial women only” should apply. Cue aforementioned internet outrage! “Hmm @multiracial women only,” one fuming Twitterer wrote. “Does that include the dark skinned multiracial women or just the light skinned ones?” Also: “Multiracial = ethnically ambiguous = Amber Rose-ish = [Kim] Kardashian-y = mixed = no Black women allowed,” wrote yet another angry person. Since there was no immediate response from Kanye about his questionable choice of words, actress Lena Dunham was quick to offer her services. “I’ve got a 45,000-word bloviating apology ready to go, Kanye!” she said. “Just say the word!” We’ll say four words. SHUT UP, LENA DUNHAM.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

Let’s end the week with an all-too-rare-case of justice being served, shall we? Do you remember when Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers body shamed a nude older lady in the locker room of LA Fitness by posting the woman’s photo on Snapchat and captioning it, “If I can’t unsee this, you can’t either”? (You’re right! That is fucking disgusting behavior.) However, there is a potential silver lining here: The LAPD has found the woman, who says she will happily testify against Mathers when officials attempt to prosecute her for a “Dissemination of Private Images” charge—which could send this a-hole Playmate to jail for six months. The thought of this makes us very HAPPY—until we remember that the jail sentence for shaming a woman is the same for raping her. (See the case of Brock Turner, above.) Until next week, we’ll be on the couch with a martini and a cold compress on our forehead. (Unless they make cold martini compresses? That would save time.)