MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we can’t even properly finish this sentence because TAYLOR SWIFT AND TOM HIDDLESTON BROKE UP!!! Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod finally. FINALLY! How long have we been waiting for this? How many years have we begged for this to happen? How many decades have we suffered? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have only dated for three months.—Ed.] [ANN’S NOTE: Shut up.—Ann.] Anyhoo, where were we? Oh, right! For centuries, our sweet, handsome Tommy Hidds has been throwing away his sweet, handsome life by dating Tay-Tay—and, at long last, this Dark Epoch in Human History has come to a close! But now, of course, we have to know the details! “She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship,” a source gabs to Us. “Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection, but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up.” And as soon as that source stopped gabbing, another insider told Us even more! “It was an intense start,” the insider said. “No one can keep that kind of momentum going.” Au contraire, insider! We’re VERY confident we could keep that kind of momentum going, and that an Ann/Tom relationship (“Tann”? “Hiddlemano”?) would truly stand the test of time—outlasting the pyramids, the Himalayas, the universe itself. And FWIW, we are VERY comfortable with PDA. (Well, not so much with Hubby Kip. But with Tom Hiddleston? Come on, Taylor.) Of course, there’s only one way to find out for sure—so Tom, give us a call. We’ve sent you our number numerous times, as you and your attorneys are well aware. (Oh, and if someone calling himself “Hubby Kip” picks up? Just tell him to hand us the phone and to go jump off the nearest cliff.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

Once upon a time, former child actor Shia LaBeouf was a regular guest star in One Day at a Time. And as a new profile in Variety reminds us, for good reason! “Over the last five years, LaBeouf has been embroiled in a bizarre off-screen drama of his own making,” Variety begins. “He’s been dogged by several alcohol-related arrests, a public firing from the 2013 Broadway play Orphans, and even accusations of plagiarism.... But the biggest scandal came in 2014: Drunk on whiskey, he created such a ruckus while watching a Broadway performance of Cabaret that police officers hauled him off to jail.” But no more, according to LaBeouf! “People I respected—dudes I wanted to work with—just looked me in the eyes and said 'Life’s too short for this shit,’” he said, explaining his recovery process and newfound work ethic. “I’m still earning my way back. I’m happy working.” That’s legitimately great news for La Beef, who’s getting great reviews for his new role in the indie American Honey. (While filming, he still got some classic Shia-isms in—like getting like 12 tattoos while making the film, including a pair depicting... Missy Elliott? “I don’t love Missy Elliott like I wanna get two Missy Elliott tattoos,” he told Variety. “But you’re in a tattoo parlor and... peer pressure.”) So—and we actually mean this, as weird as it sounds—good for you, Shia. It’s nice to have you back in One Day, for entirely different reasons than before.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7

“Jill Stein, the Green Party presidential candidate, is facing misdemeanor charges in North Dakota after she spray-painted a bulldozer at a rally protesting the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline,” the New York Times reported this week. According to an affidavit from the Morton County Sheriff’s Department, “Officers were alerted to video that displayed presidential candidate Jill Stein painting the front of one of the Caterpillars with the message 'I approve this message.’” Stein will be arrested if she returns to North Dakota. IN RELATED NEWS... “The beginning of Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein’s campaign to the Buckeye State was not quite a bull’s eye,” quipped the New York Daily News last week. Stein, who was slated to speak at Capital University in Columbus, Ohio, accidentally flew to Cincinnati. Whoopsie! “A professor at the school ordered 15 pizzas for attendees who waited as Stein accidentally flew to Cincinnati and had to drive to the Ohio capital with a rental car,” the Daily News added. In an election year marked by record disapproval for the two mainstream candidates, it’s great to know the third-party ones are bringing their A-game. (Is it too late to get Shia to run? He seems like he’s got his act together.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

Dear recording artist and former Degrassi: The Next Generation star Drake: It has come to our attention you don’t know what a strip club is. Last Saturday, Aubrey Drake Graham debuted a pop-up “dance experience” in Houston that was later announced to be a soft opening for what will be known as The Ballet... a strip club that’s not a strip club? Wait, Drake... what? “There’s a culture out there of dancing and it’s not about no strip club shit,” the rapper said during the event. “It’s about these amazing women that we’ve got in one spot, this music that we got, and the Houston culture that we got. I just wanna let you know that I’m going to bring it to you in the most honest and genuine way possible.” Note to readers: Let’s not forget that Drake has a loooong, robust career of shouting out strippers in his music, and while he may be calling his concept club The Ballet—there will not be any actual ballet happening. But there will be a lot of nudity and dollar bills sailing through the air. Maybe Drake can start a new business called Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse—which is actually just a 7-11?

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

Let’s celebrate! Walking bag of white privilege Gwyneth Paltrow is in the gossip pages again. “I basically walked away from a career where people kissed my ass,” Gwynnie wrote for LinkedIn on the topic of leaving Hollywood to run her insanely useless lifestyle website, Goop. “I have always slightly been wrestling with this punk rock asshole kid inside me who wants to buck tradition and do things her own way.” Yes, because we believe it was punk rock asshole Sid Vicious who first advised women to steam their vaginas, and purchase wildly expensive bottles of Thermal Spring Water facial spray. OH WAIT, no... that was Gwyneth actually. She got the “asshole” part right, though.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

For those devastated by the breakup of sea-witch Taylor Swift and delectable Tom Hiddleston, cheer up! According to a report from Entertainment Tonight, Tay-Tay is headed back to the studio to produce her first album since 2014’s 1989. Why is this exciting news? Because if you somehow crossed or gave a dirty look to Taylor since that time, expect an etremely pointed REVENGE SONG in the very near future—and we’re looking at you, ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris, arch enemies Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and brand new former flame Tom Hiddleston. Oh, and we almost forgot: 18-year-old Devin Johnston, an employee at a Pennsylvania gas station who accidentally mistook Taylor for Gwen Stefani. YOU ARE ALL FRIKKIN’ DEAD.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Today at an event for the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton had to be whisked away by Secret Service after nearly collapsing from what the campaign called “overheating” and “dehydration.” After being examined by a physician, it was revealed Clinton had pneumonia, and was advised to take at least a week off before campaigning again. Naturally this was FANTASTIC news to the failing Donald Trump campaign, which has been constantly questioning Clinton’s health while refusing to deny the idiotic conspiracy theory that Hillary is actually dead and she’s been replaced by a body double. (Care to join us for a collective eye roll?) At least some people on social media had enough goddamn sense to put Hillary’s temporary ailment in perspective. “Wait, so Hillary has PNEUMONIA and she’s still campaigning as hard as she is?” wrote comedian Patton Oswalt on Twitter. “You realize how badass that is, right?” Later, commenting on Trump’s own ailment, Oswalt wrote, “Psychotic, dissociative narcissism with lack of empathy > pneumonia.” Get well soon, Hillary. When you’re all better, Trump will still be crazy as fuck.