MONDAY, OCTOBER 24
Quick question: Is the worldâs worst election over yet, dears? No? Itâs still going? Well, thatâs bad news for our anxiety. But itâs even worse news for our liver, which isâsorry, liver!âjust going to have to deal with the approximately 78 gallons of martinis we chug delicately sip, like a lady, every day we wake up to find ourselves still trapped in this nightmare hellscape. At least there are bursts of unexpected wonderfulness, thoughâlike this weekâs run-in between former Speaker of the House/current Donald Trump lickspittle Newt Gingrich and Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly... who is maybe our new fave TV personality? We knowâwe never thought weâd say that either! But sheâs delightful, and for proof, look no further than her bizarre interview with Gingrich, who did not react well when Kelly brought up all of Trumpâs sexual assault allegations. âYou are fascinated with sex and you donât care about public policy,â Gingrich ranted at Kelly, adding, âI just want to hear you use the words, âBill Clinton, sexual predator.â I dare you. Say, âBill Clinton, sexual predator.ââ âHeâs not on the ticket,â Kelly replied, pointing out the excruciatingly obvious. âThe polls also show the American public is less interested in the deeds of Hillary Clintonâs husband than they are in the deeds of the man who asks us to make him president, Donald Trump.â Kellyâwho had to say âexcuse meâ four times as Gingrich rambled like a weirdo pervertâfinally managed to shut the bloviating idiot down: âWeâre going to have to leave it at that, and you can take your anger issues and spend some time working on them, Mr. Speaker. Thanks for being here.â Letâs raise this martini, dears, to the hope that this is the last weâll ever hear of Newt Gingrich. (Hey, a girl can drunkenly dream.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25
âThe press always asks me, donât I wish I was debating him?â Vice President Joe Biden recently said of Donald Trump. âNo, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. Thatâs what I wish.â MEANWHILE... âIâd love that,â Trump snorted when told of Bidenâs remarks. âSome things in life you could really love doing.â IN RELATED NEWS... Joe Biden is 73. Donald Trump is 70. This is America in 2016. IN EVEN MORE RELATED NEWS... Whereâs Megyn Kelly? Whatâs she doing right now? Is there some way to block out any and all election news that doesnât involve Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Elizabeth Warren, and Megyn Kelly? Theyâre all we need. Just them! Ladies, come over! Joe and Donald can go flail at each other behind a gym somewhere. Weâll make martinis!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26
According to the buzzkills at OPB, Google has halted plans to bring their eagerly awaited network Google Fiber to Portlandâdashing the hopes of everyone who had hoped for blisteringly fast internet connections that would give a boost to Portlandâs businesses, residents, and pornography addicts. (Sorry, Hubby Kip!) ON THE OTHER HAND... Now that weâre thinking about it, forget Google Fiber. In fact, forget the internet. Can we get rid of it? Just until the election is over? Itâll be tough to be without it (especially for Kip), but itâd give all our livers an extra decade or two.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27
Today, in a verdict that made us want to return our justice system to the manufacturer, Ammon Bundy and his co-defendants in the Malheur Refuge standoff were, unbelievably, declared not guilty. Yes, even though everyone saw them take over a nature refuge at gunpoint and spread terror through the community. (They also chew tobaccoâwhich is just gross.) So why were they let off scot-free? Certain jurors claim the prosecution was unable to prove the conspiracy charge: that BundyââŹâ˘s buddies had conspired to keep federal employees from coming to work. (Ummm... weââŹâ˘re pretty sure weââŹâ˘d call in sick too, if a bunch of gun-toting yahoos were trashing our office and spitting [ugh] tobacco everywhere.) Despite the prosecutorsââŹâ˘ failings, weââŹâ˘re also fairly certain this gullible jury wouldââŹâ˘ve ruled differently if the Malheur Refuge terrorists were anything but lily white. ââŹĹImagine just for a moment that heavily-armed Black Lives Matter activists took over a federal building,ââŹÂ wrote the New York Daily Newsâ Shaun King. ââŹĹBy and large, unarmed, non-violent peaceful black protestors are arrested on sight when they even block the entrance to a federal building. Many are still facing charges for such simple acts of civil disobedience to this very day and they did nothing like what the Bundy clan did in Oregon.ââŹÂ NEED FURTHER PROOF? On this very same day, unarmed Native American protesters in North Dakota, who have been demonstrating against a $3.8 billion pipeline that will block access to water and defile sacred land, were blasted by law enforcement with sound cannons, Tasers, bean-bag rounds, pepper spray (as ââŹĹa preventative measureââŹÂ), and then arrested by the hundredsâsimply for standing up for their beliefs. White privilege is real. The Bundy clan just provided more evidence.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28
More info on the crime of the century: Kim Kardashianâs Parisian hotel robbery in which criminals made off with $5.6 million in jewels! As you recall, the thieves got into KimââŹâ˘s hotel room by dressing as cops and forcing the hotel concierge to let them in. Now the concierge is telling his side of the story to Entertainment Tonight, claiming the thieves werenât actually after jewelry, because they kept asking for ââŹĹlâargentââŹÂ (translated: MONEY). And because Kim doesnââŹâ˘t speak French (and the robbers didnââŹâ˘t speak English), she initially gave them her phone... then her ring... and finally her jewelry box, before they eventually gave up on communicating with her and left with the gems. (Which just goes to show that Kardashians are annoying in any language.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29
And if things werenât already bad enough for Kim Kardashian, todayâs news was a dagger through her heart. As it turns out, Queen of the Universe BeyoncĂŠ has ânever genuinely likedâ Kim very much! This OUCH of a story comes from Page Six, who used Kanye Westâs recent onstage proclamation about Jay Z (âOur kids ainât never even played togetherâ) as a jumping-off point, quoting a source close to the family who says Jay and Kanyeâs feud started with Queen Beyâs general distaste for Kim. âBeyoncĂŠ has never genuinely liked Kim,â the source said. âSheâs only tolerated her because of their husbandsâ friendship.... The last time they hung out, the minute BeyoncĂŠ could leave the conversation, she did.â This would also explain Bey and Jayâs conspicuous absence from Kim and Kanyeâs 2014 wedding. âBeyoncĂŠ and Jay Z were invited,â the source continued, âand their names were engraved in the marble table for the wedding dinner, but they didnât show up.â Again... OUCH. Perhaps this story will inspire those French thieves to return Kimâs stolen jewelryâbecause after all, if BeyoncĂŠ doesnât like you, what else is left?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30
Speaking of people that BeyoncĂŠ probably doesnât like... Justin Bieber has issued a lengthy non-apology for trying to silence his screaming fans during a concert in Manchester, England, and when he couldnât, storming off the stage in a huff. Hereâs an extremely abridged version of his âapologyâ: âPeople tend to want to shut you down,â he wrote. âWhat I mean by that is... people try to twist things, some people donât want to listen.â BLAH-BLAH-BLAH get to the non-apology already! âI donât say the right thing all the time because if that was the case then Iâd be a robot, and Iâm just, Iâm not a robot.â Yeah, because if that were the case, youâd be a pretty shitty robot. GET TO THE FRIKKINâ POINT, JUSTIN! âAll I was simply doing was wanting people to listen; to kind of hear me out a little bit.â Weâre quiet! Weâre listening! And yet? Still no apology! âI just appreciate you guys tonight, listening to me and understanding.â Sure, we understand... that this WAS NOT AN APOLOGY. Can someone please invent an actual Justin Biebot?