MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

Quick question: Is the world’s worst election over yet, dears? No? It’s still going? Well, that’s bad news for our anxiety. But it’s even worse news for our liver, which is—sorry, liver!—just going to have to deal with the approximately 78 gallons of martinis we chug delicately sip, like a lady, every day we wake up to find ourselves still trapped in this nightmare hellscape. At least there are bursts of unexpected wonderfulness, though—like this week’s run-in between former Speaker of the House/current Donald Trump lickspittle Newt Gingrich and Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly... who is maybe our new fave TV personality? We know—we never thought we’d say that either! But she’s delightful, and for proof, look no further than her bizarre interview with Gingrich, who did not react well when Kelly brought up all of Trump’s sexual assault allegations. “You are fascinated with sex and you don’t care about public policy,” Gingrich ranted at Kelly, adding, “I just want to hear you use the words, ‘Bill Clinton, sexual predator.’ I dare you. Say, ‘Bill Clinton, sexual predator.’” “He’s not on the ticket,” Kelly replied, pointing out the excruciatingly obvious. “The polls also show the American public is less interested in the deeds of Hillary Clinton’s husband than they are in the deeds of the man who asks us to make him president, Donald Trump.” Kelly—who had to say “excuse me” four times as Gingrich rambled like a weirdo pervert—finally managed to shut the bloviating idiot down: “We’re going to have to leave it at that, and you can take your anger issues and spend some time working on them, Mr. Speaker. Thanks for being here.” Let’s raise this martini, dears, to the hope that this is the last we’ll ever hear of Newt Gingrich. (Hey, a girl can drunkenly dream.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

“The press always asks me, don’t I wish I was debating him?” Vice President Joe Biden recently said of Donald Trump. “No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” MEANWHILE... “I’d love that,” Trump snorted when told of Biden’s remarks. “Some things in life you could really love doing.” IN RELATED NEWS... Joe Biden is 73. Donald Trump is 70. This is America in 2016. IN EVEN MORE RELATED NEWS... Where’s Megyn Kelly? What’s she doing right now? Is there some way to block out any and all election news that doesn’t involve Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Elizabeth Warren, and Megyn Kelly? They’re all we need. Just them! Ladies, come over! Joe and Donald can go flail at each other behind a gym somewhere. We’ll make martinis!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

According to the buzzkills at OPB, Google has halted plans to bring their eagerly awaited network Google Fiber to Portland—dashing the hopes of everyone who had hoped for blisteringly fast internet connections that would give a boost to Portland’s businesses, residents, and pornography addicts. (Sorry, Hubby Kip!) ON THE OTHER HAND... Now that we’re thinking about it, forget Google Fiber. In fact, forget the internet. Can we get rid of it? Just until the election is over? It’ll be tough to be without it (especially for Kip), but it’d give all our livers an extra decade or two.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27

Today, in a verdict that made us want to return our justice system to the manufacturer, Ammon Bundy and his co-defendants in the Malheur Refuge standoff were, unbelievably, declared not guilty. Yes, even though everyone saw them take over a nature refuge at gunpoint and spread terror through the community. (They also chew tobacco—which is just gross.) So why were they let off scot-free? Certain jurors claim the prosecution was unable to prove the conspiracy charge: that Bundy’s buddies had conspired to keep federal employees from coming to work. (Ummm... we’re pretty sure we’d call in sick too, if a bunch of gun-toting yahoos were trashing our office and spitting [ugh] tobacco everywhere.) Despite the prosecutors’ failings, we’re also fairly certain this gullible jury would’ve ruled differently if the Malheur Refuge terrorists were anything but lily white. “Imagine just for a moment that heavily-armed Black Lives Matter activists took over a federal building,” wrote the New York Daily News’ Shaun King. “By and large, unarmed, non-violent peaceful black protestors are arrested on sight when they even block the entrance to a federal building. Many are still facing charges for such simple acts of civil disobedience to this very day and they did nothing like what the Bundy clan did in Oregon.” NEED FURTHER PROOF? On this very same day, unarmed Native American protesters in North Dakota, who have been demonstrating against a $3.8 billion pipeline that will block access to water and defile sacred land, were blasted by law enforcement with sound cannons, Tasers, bean-bag rounds, pepper spray (as “a preventative measure”), and then arrested by the hundreds—simply for standing up for their beliefs. White privilege is real. The Bundy clan just provided more evidence.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28

More info on the crime of the century: Kim Kardashian’s Parisian hotel robbery in which criminals made off with $5.6 million in jewels! As you recall, the thieves got into Kim’s hotel room by dressing as cops and forcing the hotel concierge to let them in. Now the concierge is telling his side of the story to Entertainment Tonight, claiming the thieves weren’t actually after jewelry, because they kept asking for “l’argent” (translated: MONEY). And because Kim doesn’t speak French (and the robbers didn’t speak English), she initially gave them her phone... then her ring... and finally her jewelry box, before they eventually gave up on communicating with her and left with the gems. (Which just goes to show that Kardashians are annoying in any language.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29

And if things weren’t already bad enough for Kim Kardashian, today’s news was a dagger through her heart. As it turns out, Queen of the Universe Beyoncé has “never genuinely liked” Kim very much! This OUCH of a story comes from Page Six, who used Kanye West’s recent onstage proclamation about Jay Z (“Our kids ain’t never even played together”) as a jumping-off point, quoting a source close to the family who says Jay and Kanye’s feud started with Queen Bey’s general distaste for Kim. “Beyoncé has never genuinely liked Kim,” the source said. “She’s only tolerated her because of their husbands’ friendship.... The last time they hung out, the minute Beyoncé could leave the conversation, she did.” This would also explain Bey and Jay’s conspicuous absence from Kim and Kanye’s 2014 wedding. “Beyoncé and Jay Z were invited,” the source continued, “and their names were engraved in the marble table for the wedding dinner, but they didn’t show up.” Again... OUCH. Perhaps this story will inspire those French thieves to return Kim’s stolen jewelry—because after all, if Beyoncé doesn’t like you, what else is left?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30

Speaking of people that Beyoncé probably doesn’t like... Justin Bieber has issued a lengthy non-apology for trying to silence his screaming fans during a concert in Manchester, England, and when he couldn’t, storming off the stage in a huff. Here’s an extremely abridged version of his “apology”: “People tend to want to shut you down,” he wrote. “What I mean by that is... people try to twist things, some people don’t want to listen.” BLAH-BLAH-BLAH get to the non-apology already! “I don’t say the right thing all the time because if that was the case then I’d be a robot, and I’m just, I’m not a robot.” Yeah, because if that were the case, you’d be a pretty shitty robot. GET TO THE FRIKKIN’ POINT, JUSTIN! “All I was simply doing was wanting people to listen; to kind of hear me out a little bit.” We’re quiet! We’re listening! And yet? Still no apology! “I just appreciate you guys tonight, listening to me and understanding.” Sure, we understand... that this WAS NOT AN APOLOGY. Can someone please invent an actual Justin Biebot?