MONDAY, OCTOBER 31
Welcome back to a very spoooooOOooOooky One Day at a Timeâfor today is Halloween, the most terrifying and horrific day of the year! What blood-curdling, jaw-dropping news do we have for you, boys and ghouls, on this most cursed and forsaken of days? Oh, only this: As we write this, we have no idea whoâll win the 2016 presidential election! And thanks to headlines like âTrump Is Just a Normal Polling Error Behind Clintonâ (go to hell, FiveThirtyEight) and âA Militia Gets Battle Ready for a âGun-Grabbingâ Clinton Presidencyâ (stop giving us nightmares, New York Times), everything seems more horrible than itâs ever been before. But hey! At least we arenât Val Kilmer! â[Kilmer] is dealing with exactly what I had, and things donât look too good for him,â revealed actor and oral cancer survivor Michael Douglas last week in London, ominously preparing the world for the fact that Val Kilmer is going to die very, very soon, and is in a horrible place and could use all of our prayers anâWAIT, THIS JUST IN! âI love Michael Douglas, but he is misinformed,â said a very healthy, very bewildered Val Kilmer. âThe last time I spoke to him was almost two years ago, when I asked him for a referral for a specialist to get a diagnosis for a lump in my throat... I ended up using a team at UCLA and have no cancer whatsoever. I still have a swollen tongue and am rehabbing steadily.â So donât worry, everybody! Aside from a swollen tongue, Kilmer is fine! (Itâs the rest of us who might be doomed.) NOW IF YOUâLL EXCUSE US... We need to turn off our porch lights and close our drapes so no children will annoy us this evening. Well, no more than Hubby Kip, at least. Heâs dressed up as Doctor Strange and keeps trying to âenchantâ us into a âsexy mood.â Maybe after the election, honey. Maybe.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Last night Hubby Kip insisted on sleeping in his âCape of Levitationâ (and nothing but his Cape of Levitation), so we spent seven hours awake in the dark, staring at the ceiling, second-guessing each our life choices. But on the upside, Louis C.K. went on Conan OâBrien and tried to make everybody feel better! âI think sheâs great,â C.K. told Conan about Hillary Clinton. âItâs not like a lesser of two evilsâI think sheâs great. I really like her. I think sheâs talented and I think sheâs super smart.â He added, âTo me, itâs very exciting to have the first mother in the White House. Itâs not about the first woman, itâs about the first momâbecause a mother, sheâs got it.... She feeds you, she teaches you, she protects you. She takes care of shit!â C.K. then put it in even clearer terms: âIf you vote for Hillary, youâre a grownup. If you vote for Trump, youâre a sucker. If you donât vote for anybody, youâre an asshole.â Now those should have been the T-shirts the Clinton campaign was selling! IN RELATED NEWS... âItâs really too bad Hillary Clinton, Louis C.K., Conan OâBrien, Hubby Kip, and Doctor Strange are all going to die soon,â Michael Douglas told a group of reporters. âI hear theyâve all got the same thing I had, and it doesnât look good for any of them!â
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Well, we can stop worrying about one thing, everybody: Steven Seagal is finally a Russian citizen! âRussia has granted citizenship to Steven Seagal via a decree from president Vladimir Putin, published on the Kremlinâs official website,â writes the Hollywood Reporter, bringing a close to several years of an unlikely friendship between the â80s action star and Russiaâs warmongering leader. âSeagal automatically became a Russian citizen as soon as the decree was published, and he doesnât have to officially accept it,â the Reporter continued. âThere was no immediate known reaction from Seagal.â Look, so long as we only have to hear âSeagalâ in the same sentence as âPutin,â and not âTrump,â weâre going to count this as a win. Congratulations on your new Russian citizenship, Steven Seagal! Please keep Putin from starting World War III or annihilating Syria or posting any more weird topless pictures of himself on a horse. Thank you for your service.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3
Last night the annual Country Music Awards gave the rest of us a reason to stomach the annual Country Music Awards: a surprise performance by BeyoncĂ© and the Dixie Chicks! This unlikely team-up, who performed a barn-burning version of Beyâs âDaddy Lessonsâ from the greatest work of art so far this century, Lemonade (disagree and we will punch you), was hands-down the highlight of the show... which made country music fans happy, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... NO. âBeyoncĂ© performed at the CMAs last night,â noted one particularly bitter hayseed, âand is on a mission to take country music away from us, hardworking white people.â He then went on to vomit up a couple of highly racist, misogynistic expletivesâbecause of course this is all that undereducated, insecure, threatened white men know how to do. Sadly this amazing performance was the subject of many such commentsâso much that, according to TMZ, the CMA head honchos caved to pressure and scrubbed all evidence of Queen Bey and the Dixie Chicksâ performance from their site and social media. They later returned some of the pictures and video, but only after BeyoncĂ©âs loyal followers in the Bee Hive demanded their return and articles such as the one produced by TMZ had been written. While most of the artists attending the CMAs voiced their strong approval of BeyoncĂ© gracing their unworthy presenceâgoddamn rightâone tobacco-spittinâ dullard didnât quite agree. âApparently the CMA thinks BeyoncĂ© is as relevant to country music as Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, or Patsy Cline,â sobbed hillbilly crooner Travis Tritt on Twitter. âBecause the CMA folks donât think country music is strong enough to stand on its own,â he added. And THAT is the most astute thing an illiterate redneck bumpkin has said all day.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4
According to Entertainment Tonight, Pascal Duvierâthe longtime bodyguard to Kim Kardashianâhas been axed from the starâs security detail following Kardashian being robbed at gunpoint in Paris. According to insiders, the firing was not due to the robbery itself, since Duvier had been assigned to sisters Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall Jenner that evening. Rather, the traumatizing event has since inspired Kim and Kanye to revamp their entire security system, which will not include Duvier. HOWEVER. The Entertainment Tonight article also ran a photo of Duvier, pictured wearing an Under Armour shirt and fanny packâIN PUBLIC. Obviously wearing Under Armour in any situation other than the gymâmuch less a fanny packâis a grotesque crime against fashion, and one that Kanye West would never, ever allow in his presence. AND YOU SHOULDNâT EITHER. If someone you know wears Under Armour in place of normal street clothing, do the right thing: Take every piece of this abysmal Walmart-worthy clothing and burn it in a gasoline pit. The world will thank you.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Buckle those seat belts, because the continuing Brangelina divorce drama just got a lot bumpier. After weeks of silence, Brad Pitt has filed a response to ex-wife Angelina Jolieâs request for sole custody of their six-strong child armyâand the answer is âOH HELL NO.â Brad is apparently gathering his legal dream team to take on Angelina in court if she doesnât agree to a joint custody arrangement. As youâve undoubtedly heard, Angie has accused Brad of having a problem with booze and the sticky-icky, but according to TMZ she would eventually consider a joint custody arrangement if he ever âgets his shit together.â So what does it all mean? That we can expect something terrible to talk about when the court case eventually rolls around in early 2017âbecause this yearâs been sorta uneventful so far, wouldnât you agree?
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6
Okay, so it's only two more days until the presidential election, and... oh, whatâs this? Butthole FBI Director James Comey has another announcement to make! You remember Comey, right? The Republican FBI stooge who, 11 short days before the election, told Congress he'd found a lot of new emails that could potentially make Hillary Clinton look really badâthough, of course, he wouldnât supply any details. This late-breaking revelation put the Clinton campaign into a tailspin, while providing the Travis Tritts of the world with lots more gasoline for their never-ending conspiracy theory fires. So what did Comey have to share with us today? That the FBI found no criminal wrongdoing in this new batch of Clinton emails. NONE. NADA. ZILCH. There was nothing there. So that's good news, right? Yeah, except that Comey's previous, entirely unnecessary, and potentially election-swaying announcement sent us into a weeklong martini panic spiral, which we're just now emerging from! So thanks a fucking pant-load, Comey! And if you could? Keep your stupid mouth shut for just two more days, if you don't mind? That's a good boy.