MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where just enough time has passed since last week’s election that we can say, with certainty, that we are not in a horrible, squalid nightmare! No—we are in a horrible, squalid reality... and in realities like these? Well, in realities like these, we turn to beloved actor Michael Shannon! “I don’t want to live in a country where people voted for Trump. I want to live in some other fucking country,” Shannon told Metro this week. “But I don’t want to run away. So we’re just going to have to bust this thing up.” Perfectly said, Michael—it’s as if you’re reading our minds, and—oh, wait. There’s more? “There’s a lot of old people who need to realize they’ve had a nice life. And it’s time for them to move on,” Shannon continued. “Because they’re the ones who go out and vote for these assholes. If you look at the young people, between 18 and 25, if it was up to them, Hillary would have been president. No offense to the seniors out there. My mom’s a senior citizen. But if you’re voting for Trump, it’s time for the urn.” OHMYGOD. Time for the urn?! Michael Shannon, you are the best and—wait. There’s... there’s more? Oh, yes... because Metro interviewer Matt Prigge told Shannon his parents voted for Trump! “Fuck ’em,” Shannon replied. “You’re an orphan now. Don’t go home. Don’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Don’t talk to them at all. Silence speaks volumes.” And so, dears, we present “Michael Shannon’s Foolproof Advice for Surviving the 2016 Holidays.” Hey, that gives us an idea... you all should come over to our house for Thanksgiving! Hubby Kip’s going to try not to screw up the turkey (he will), we’ll have plenty of Franzia on hand, and we’ll all watch Michael Shannon movies all day long!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
Well... it’s not Michael Shanksgiving yet (and, we admit, that name needs a bit of work), so let’s take a look at the news, shall we? “Ivanka Trump’s Presence at Meeting with Japan’s Leader Raises Questions,” reads a headline in the New York Times, noting that Ivanka—who often seems to be the only Trump with any idea what’s going on—recently sat in on a meeting between her father and Japan’s prime minister, Shinzo Abe, raising “the potential for conflicts of interest between President-elect Donald J. Trump and his family’s business ventures.” Whoopsie! Except... uh... this isn’t the first time a potential conflict of interest has happened? Like, it also happened last Sunday? QUICKLY, TO LAST SUNDAY! During a 60 Minutes group interview with a whole glomp of Trumps (that’s the correct term for a group of Trumps, right? A “glomp”? Or should it be a “Reich”?), Ivanka wore an $10,800 gold bracelet that, natch, was made by her company, Ivanka Trump Fine Jewelry... which, shortly after the interview, sent reporters a “style alert” encouraging people to cough up $10,800 to buy their very own version of Ivanka’s “favorite bangle”! IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Ivanka’s slimy husband, Jared Kushner, has reportedly “sought legal counsel to see if he can skirt anti-nepotism laws to join the White House team,” according to the Daily Mail! Jesus! Can’t you Trumps take, like, one day off? Just to give us some room to fit in some gossip that isn’t Trump-related?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
Apparently not, because this week, President-elect Donald J. Trump settled for $25 million in a lawsuit against Trump University. “The lawsuits alleged that Trump had defrauded customers into thinking they would learn real estate secrets from professors he had ‘handpicked,’” notes the Los Angeles Times. “The students said they learned little and instead were subjected to hard-sell tactics urging them to spend thousands of dollars on classes.” IN RELATED NEWS... America’s President-elect just settled a massive class-action lawsuit that alleged he defrauded thousands of Americans. This is a remarkable moment in American history—in all the wrong ways—and we certainly hope Kanye West doesn’t show up and say something stupid to distract everybody.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
"I told you I didn't vote... but if I would've voted, I would’ve voted on Trump," said the always subtle and demure Kanye West at his concert tonight in San Jose, California, just a few seconds before audience members began booing and throwing things at him. Oh, but he didn't stop there. Soon after voicing his support for Trump, he then admonished black people for focusing “too much” on racism. “The world is racist, okay?” he said. “Let's stop being distracted to focus on that so much. It's just a fact. We’re a racist country, period.” Ooooh-kaaaay... that was weird. So maybe Kanye would be fine at his next show? FLASH FORWARD TO HIS NEXT SHOW... It's Saturday night, and at his concert in Sacramento, Kanye only got through three songs before pulling into Rant Central Station. After repeating his support of Trump, he then had the audacity to go after—of all the people one should NEVER go after—Beyoncé. “I heard you said you wouldn't perform [at the 2016 VMAs],” Kanye barked, “unless you won over me and [Drake's] ‘Hotline Bling’.” Basically Kanye accused Queen Bey of rigging the awards in order to win “Best Video” for what was hands-down the best song of the year, “Formation.” He then challenged Jay Z to call him and “talk to me like a man,” before dropping the mic, walking offstage (again, after three songs), and canceling the rest of his tour dates. (Not a bad idea, since the next few months will be spent recovering from millions of stings provided by Queen Bey's Hive, and... wait.) FLASH FORWARD A FEW MORE HOURS... The Los Angeles Fire Department responded to a call for a “psychiatric emergency,” and has taken Ye to the UCLA Medical Center. Uh-oh. Why do we have a baaaad feeling about this?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Oh, and speaking of baaaad feelings: Our future prez Donald Trump is nominating ultra-conservative Republican Jeff Sessions as his pick for Attorney General. Sessions has a shameful history of making racist remarks, staunchly defending the Confederate flag, and is, according to Marge Baker of People for the American Way, one of the “most strident anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-LGBT voices in the Senate.” And who may become the top law enforcement officer in the country. WHICH BRINGS US TO HAMILTON... Vice President-elect Mike Pence was attending the hit Broadway musical tonight, and found himself on the receiving end of an on-stage scolding from cast member Brandon V. Dixon, who plays Aaron Burr. “We, sir, are the diverse America alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights,” Dixon said to Pence. “We truly hope this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and to work on behalf of all of us.” Yeah... we kinda doubt that... but maybe President-elect Trump agrees?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place,” tweeted well-known “theater” lover Donald Trump. “The cast of Hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!” And later... “The cast and producers of Hamilton, which I hear is highly overrated, should immediately apologize to Mike Pence for their terrible behavior.” And later... “Our wonderful future V.P. Mike Pence was harassed last night at the theater by the cast of Hamilton, cameras blazing. This should not happen!” And later (and eventually deleted)... “Very rude and insulting of Hamilton cast member to treat our great future V.P. Mike Pence to a theater lecture. Couldn’t even memorize lines!” (We’re not sure if Trump was referring to the Hamilton cast, Pence, or himself.) Some have been calling Trump’s barrage of tweets a distraction from a week of corporate malfeasance and nation-damaging appointments... soooo... let’s not forget how Donald Trump was forced to pay $25 million to bilked Trump University students. Or how he’s nominating a racist homophobe to the top law enforcement position in the country. But sure! Go ahead and cry about how a Broadway actor insulted the future vice president. Those other things are kinda hard to forget.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20
Something you won’t see Donald Trump tweeting about: police firing tear gas and water cannons in freezing weather at protesters demonstrating against the Dakota Access oil pipeline. Activists were apparently trying to get emergency services to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe—who say the pipeline will cut off their access to water and sacred land—when officers tried to stop them by lobbing teargas and shooting them with water in 18-degree weather. “They say these are non-lethal weapons,” said Dave Archambault, chairman of the Standing Rock tribe, “but a water cannon in freezing weather is lethal.” RELATED... Thanksgiving is in four days. There’s some irony there, don’t ya think? ALSO RELATED... Whoops, meant to say Michael Shanksgiving! After a week like this, dears? YOU’RE ALL INVITED.