MONDAY, DECEMBER 26
Congrats, dearsâwe made it! Weâre in the home stretch! Finally, 2016âone of the worst years in the history of humanity, except for, you know, maybe that span from 1346 to 1353, in which the Black Plague killed nearly 200 million people, or 2012, when Duck Dynasty premieredâis almost over. Say what you will about the New Year being an arbitrary and meaningless designation based on the relative concept of time... but arbitrary and meaningless things are what One Day at a Time is all about! And thereâs no denying that putting 2016 behind us will have some very real psychological benefitsâincluding inspiring us to work together to make sure 2017 isnât quite so terrible. THEN AGAIN... Perhaps 2017 will be rough too, if perennial One Day foes Kanye West and Gwyneth Paltrow have anything to say about it. FIRST UP... Rumors of Kanye West and Kim Kardashianâs âdisastrous divorceâ are âgreatly exaggerated,â according to Page Six! (We suppose we should be happy for them... and yet? Their marriage somehow made both of them even more unbearable, so we arenât.) âThey are still a couple,â a source close to Kim claims, adding, âthereâs no discussion of a separation or a divorce. But they have absolutely had a tough year. Theyâve been through a lot.â (Welcome to the club, Kimye.) And never fear, onlookers whoâve noticed that Kim is no longer wearing her wedding ring! Turns out sheâs got a pretty good excuse! âKardashian no longer wears expensive jewelry outside the house after she was robbed of her pricey baubles in Paris in October,â Page Six notes. (Whatâs this? A Kardashian displaying a modicum of common sense? This year has been weird.) AND SECONDLY... âIâm like, this is my role. Iâm here to do this. A friend told me if youâre a trailblazer, youâre the first one through, and you get the cuts because youâre hacking the path.â So speaketh the eternally insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow, who spoke to InStyle about her brave decision to use her lifestyle pornography site Goop to pander to oblivious rich white people. âI like myself, and Iâm just going to live my life,â Paltrow blathered. âIâm going to stop worrying and tearing myself down.â Hmm. Sure, sweetie, self-esteem is always niceâbut oblivious, privileged morons such as yourself (who, lest we forget, described Trumpâs victory as âsuch an exciting time to be an Americanâ because âitâs sort of like someone threw it all in the air and weâre going to see how it landsâ) are exactly the sort of people who should be tearing themselves down! Itâs not too late to make âacquiring self-awarenessâ a New Yearâs resolution, Gwynnie. Hell, ask Kim Kardashian for help.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27
And of course 2016 isnât going to let us escape without one last parting shot. The beloved Carrie Fisherâwho started out playing Star Warsâ Princess Leia, then transformed herself into an author, a memoirist, a sought-after script doctor, and an advocate for mental healthâunexpectedly passed away today. She was only 60 years old. âShe had a heart attack on a flight from London to Los Angeles on Friday and had been hospitalized in Los Angeles,â reported the New York Times, noting that Fisher âestablished Princess Leia as a damsel who could very much deal with her own distressâ before going on to play memorable roles in When Harry Met Sally... and Hannah and Her Sisters along with writing hilarious memoirs, acerbic novels, and an advice column for the Guardian, in which she discussed her struggles. âWe have been given a challenging illness, and there is no other option than to meet those challenges,â Fisher wrote to a reader who had been diagnosed as bipolarâjust as Fisher was. âThink of it as an opportunity to be heroic,â she continued. âNot âI survived living in Mosul during an attackâ heroic, but an emotional survival.â Whether it was onscreen, on the page, or via her inspiringly unfiltered interviews and tweets, Fisher helped a lot of people emotionally surviveâsomething for which we should all be grateful. âShe was just as brilliant and beautiful, tough and wonderful, incisive and funny as you could imagine,â remembered J.J. Abrams, who directed Fisher in Star Wars: The Force Awakensâa film that saw Fisher evolve Leia into a tough military commander. âWhat an unfair thing to lose her. How lucky to have been blessed with her at all.â
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28
OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING. âDebbie Reynolds, the wholesome ingĂŠnue in 1950s films like Singinâ in the Rain and Tammy and the Bachelor, died on Wednesday, a day after the death of her daughter, the actress Carrie Fisher,â reported the New York Times today. âShe was 84.â SERIOUSLY, 2016? FUCKING SERIOUSLY? We canât evenâyeah. We just... canât fucking even. So instead, weâre going to pour ourselves a bucket-sized martini, weâre going to cuddle up with Hubby Kip on the couch, and as soon as heâs done watching The Force Awakens for the billionth time todayâheâs saluting each time Carrie comes on screenâweâre putting on Singinâ in the Rain. See you tomorrow, dears.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29
Just three more days... just make it three more days.... Okay, finally hereâs some news we can get behind: âJennifer Lopez Seems âSmittenâ with Drakeâ squeals an obviously relieved People magazine who also cannot bear another iota of bad news. The luscious pair made tongues wag this week by taking breaks from their current musical collaboration to post soft-focus Instagram pics of themselves cuddling up like a pair of sexy koalas. An inside source tells People that while Lopez and Drake âdo work on music together,â they âclearly enjoy each other on another level, too.â READ: A SEXY COITUS LEVEL. Is this merely an obvious ploy to sell more units of their upcoming single? Oh, probably. But as long as theyâre giving us such a clearly wonderful reason to masturbate, can we really blame them?
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30
Two more days... just make it two more days.... Oh fine, whatever, letâs chat a bit about Donald (UGH!) Trump. The good news is that his upcoming inauguration will probably be a disaster on a Mariah Carey level (see Sunday for more details on that joke). The bad news is that at least two organizations have unwisely decided to participateâthe high-kicking dance troupe the Rockettes, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. âThis is not a Republican or Democrat issue,â said Rockette Mary to Marie Claire. âThis is a womenâs rights issue. This is an issue of racism and sexism, something thatâs much bigger than politics.â While the union has stated dancers are not required to perform for Trump, Mary and others are scared they will face retaliation and lose their positions within the company. Meanwhile, Jan Chamberlin, a singer in the famed Mormon Tabernacle Choir, has resigned after the group agreed to perform on Inauguration Day. â[If I did this, I] could never look myself in the mirror again with self-respect,â Chamberlain said on Facebook. So who else is slated to perform for Trump? As of press time the only other name thatâs been confirmed is someone called Jackie Evancho from some sort of reality show called Americaâs Got Talent. Ohhh-kay. Strike what we said earlierâthis shit show is going to make Mariah Careyâs performance look like Pavarotti (again, see Sunday for the juicy deets).
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31
One more day... just make it one more day... and itâs finally New Yearâs Eve. Hereâs how president-elect Donald (UGH!) Trump decided to wish us all well on Twitter: âHappy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just donât know what to do. Love!â Which is exactly what youâd expect an insecure bully to say after losing the popular vote by three million votes. Soâshall we spend each day of 2017 reminding him?
SUNDAY, JANUARY 1
Aaaaand... we made it! The ball dropped on 2016, and we can finally put that steaming, noxious tire fire of a year behind us allâexcept for maybe Mariah Carey who has a bit more cleanup to do. Following the divaâs spot-on live rendition of âAuld Lang Syneâ for Dick Clarkâs New Yearâs Rockinâ Eve program, things went from bad to worse to shit when technical difficulties destroyed Careyâs attempt at performing a medley of her most popular songs. According to her management, she had very little time to rehearse the number, and then the wrong backing track was played, and her in-ear monitor wasnât working. The result was Carey stumbling around the stage refusing to sing, then asking the audience to sing for her before throwing her hands up and walking off stage. Later on today she tweeted the only excuse she could give for her performance: âShit happens.â And if that doesnât perfectly sum up 2016, nothing ever will.