MONDAY, JANUARY 9
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where, as ever, we’re happy to be your chattering chorus of the apocalypse! And what’s today’s apocalypse? Well, it’s... huh. It’s last night’s Golden Globes? (Congrats, Golden Globes! This marks the first time in the history of ever that anyone’s cared about you!) Last night, beloved actress Meryl Streep won the Cecil B. DeMille Award (which we’ve won a few times too, NBD), and she used her acceptance speech to address the clear and present danger of the looming Trump administration! Covering everything from Trump’s mocking of a disabled New York Times reporter (“Disrespect invites disrespect, violence incites violence. And when the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose”) to the importance of the free press (“We need the principled press to hold power to account, to call him on the carpet for every outrage”), Streep also quoted the late Carrie Fisher: “As my friend, the dear departed Princess Leia, said to me once, ‘Take your broken heart, make it into art'.” Give us a sec, dears. We’ve got something in our eye. NATURALLY... Donald Trump responded exactly how one would hope an esteemed President-elect would respond—by picking up his greasy little phone and using his teeny-tiny fingers to angrily tap out insults, insisting Streep is “one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood” and “a Hillary flunky who lost big.” No better way to say it: What a stupid asshole. SPEAKING OF CARRIE FISHER... Even in death, she continues to be fantastic. “Carrie’s favorite possession was a giant Prozac pill that she bought many years ago,” Carrie’s brother, Todd, told Entertainment Tonight. “She loved it, and it was in her house, and Billie and I felt it was where she’d want to be.” The Billie he’s referring to, of course, is Billie Lourd, Carrie’s daughter, and the big pill he’s referring to, of course, is Carrie's urn! “We couldn’t find anything appropriate. Carrie would like that,” Todd explained. “It was her favorite thing, and so that’s how you do it. And so they’re together, and they will be together here and in heaven, and we’re okay with that.” RIP, Carrie. RIP in your giant Prozac urn.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 10
Today marked President Barack Obama's final address as president—and it was a hell of a speech, delivered to an emotional crowd of 18,000 Chicagoans who cheered, cried, and chanted "FOUR MORE YEARS!" (If only, Chicago. If only.) “It has been the honor of my life to serve you,” Obama said. “I won’t stop; in fact, I will be right there with you, as a citizen, for all my remaining days.” Covering many of his groundbreaking policies, Obama spoke with a wary eye to the future. “America is not a fragile thing,” he said. “But the gains of our long journey to freedom are not assured.” Sorry, dears. Something else seems to have gotten in our eye. MEANWHILE... Given that Obama’s speech was one of the most inspiring moments of the past eight years—a period that, even now, is starting to look like a goddamn utopia—it was, of course, overshadowed by that piece of shit Donald Trump, as CNN and BuzzFeed brought the world’s attention to an unverified—but also not disproven—report claiming Russia has very serious blackmail material on Trump. Like, blackmail material involving golden showers. Of course, Trump dismissed the report. Of course, everyone else lost their shit. (Or... pee? Yeah, lost their pee.) And of course, this will be the day everyone looks back to when they wonder when reading the news started to feel like reading Savage Love. IN CONCLUSION... FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! GOD, WHAT IS THIS THAT KEEPS GETTING IN MY EYE?
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11
You know who’s classy? Singer Charlotte Church, who today tweeted at Donald Trump, “Your staff have asked me to sing at your inauguration, a simple Internet search would show I think you're a tyrant. Bye [followed by four poop emojis] ” See? What’d we tell you? That’s the classiest possible use of the poop Emoji! MEANWHILE... You know who isn’t classy? The B Street Band. “Billed as the #1 Springsteen tribute band, the B Street Band are scheduled to headline” the Garden State Gala, reports Consequence of Sound—noting that the party is one of many Trump inaugural events having... shall we say... trouble lining up entertainers (see above, with all the little poop Emojis). Let’s hope, for the B Street Band’s sake, that everybody forgets the Boss himself has called Trump “such a flagrant, toxic narcissist that he wants to take down the entire democratic system with him if he goes.” (Oh, wait. Did we just remind everyone of that? Sorry, B Street Band!) “We kind of fell into this and never saw it coming,” B Street Band founder Will Forte, who sounds like a true moron, complained to Rolling Stone. “The last time we had this much publicity,” Forte whined, “is when we almost played the Craigslist Killer's wedding up in Boston.” That is an actual quote, and we have nothing else to say. Bye [ UPDATE: The B Street Band has pulled out of the inauguration. Chickenshits.]
THURSDAY, JANUARY 12
Now let’s talk about the two HOTTEST celeb romances of the moment: Drake and J.Lo, and President Obama and Vice President Biden. As we gleefully reported last week, Drake and his sleepy puppy dog eyes are head over booty in love with Jennifer Lopez—you know... reportedly. That is if they’re not faking it to boost record sales. However, would Drake drop a whopping $100,000 on the platinum and diamond Tiffany necklace he allegedly gave to Jenny from the block if he were faking it? (Apparently he never heard J.Lo’s 2000 song “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”—maybe because Drake was 14 at the time and studying for a history final, no shade.) Anyway, while a $100,000 necklace is nothing to sneeze at, Drake was one-upped today by none other than President Barack Obama, who surprised Vice President Joe Biden with an even better necklace: the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which also only happens to be the nation's highest civilian honor. As he slipped the medal around the neck of a tearful Biden, Obama called him “the best vice president America has ever had.” Sorry, Drake! The only way to top that is to come up with something better. (Like maybe murdering J.Lo’s ex-fiancé Ben Affleck?)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13
Poor, unloved Donald Trump! As mentioned earlier, the most despised person to ever enter the White House is having a dickens of a time getting anyone to perform at his inauguration. So far the only celebs dumb enough to kiss their careers goodbye are those who no longer have careers anyway—such as deplorable hillbilly Toby Keith, failed ’90s group 3 Doors Down, doddering actor Jon Voight, some America’s Got Talent singer you’ve never heard of, maybe two or three honky Rockettes, and that moronic Bruce Springsteen tribute band who later reneged on the deal ha-ha-ha-ha-HA. And Trump was additionally disappointed today when Dreamgirls star Jennifer Holliday—who initially agreed to perform—pulled out after an uproar from her many queer fans. “The LGBT community was mostly responsible for birthing my career,” she said in her announcement, “and I am deeply indebted to you.” And that, dear friends, is called correctly identifying which side of one's bread is buttered. (And no one wants to butter Trump’s bread.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14
Speaking of backpedaling as furiously as possible, Sky Arts (an artsy TV network) has pulled an episode from their upcoming series Urban Myths in which white actor Joseph Fiennes was to play late pop star Michael Jackson, BECAUSE WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE? We’ll spare you the show’s uninteresting details—but suffice to say, when the internet saw pics of Fiennes dressed up like the King of Pop, the poop splattered the fan with unusual ferocity. It also didn’t calm Sky Arts’ fears when daughter Paris Jackson hopped on Twitter to proclaim she was “incredibly offended" by the casting, which made her "want to vomit." The episode was promptly pulled and presumably buried under the polar ice cap where it will never offend anyone again. (The internet vigilante squad is on fire this week!) MEANWHILE... A day after Rep. John Lewis of Georgia declared that he could not consider Donald Trump a “legitimate president” (because of suspicious ties to the Russian government), the president-elect took it well and said absolutely nothing on Twitter. Ha! Psych! “All talk, talk, talk,” Trump screeched in response to Lewis, “no action or results. SAD!” Apparently Trump has forgotten that when it comes to “action” and “results,” few can top Rep. Lewis, who is regarded globally as a civil rights icon, and one of the original Freedom Riders severely beaten by police on their 1965 historic march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama. Trump also chose to say this thoughtless, tone-deaf remark on the weekend of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday... because he is complete and utter garbage. (And less “legitimate” by the minute.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 15
Thousands rallied in Portland today—and in cities all across the country—to protest the Republicans’ attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act (AKA Obamacare), which would strip at least 18 million Americans of their health insurance. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden labeled the GOP’s repeal efforts a "Trojan horse" that would return regulatory power to insurance companies while creating even more tax breaks for the wealthy. This was the first rally of what will possibly be the biggest week in recent political history for public dissent. Expect fireworks (not the fun kind) across the nation on Inauguration Day and record numbers of people turning out locally and across the country for the Women's March on Washington. (Fun fact: Roughly 200 buses have been rented for those attending the inauguration. How many for the Women’s March the very next day? Twelve hundred buses. Donald Trump, you are sorely outnumbered.)