MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your fave gossip column, and one in which, before reality turned into a cruel and vicious joke, would’ve devoted this entire page to a leaked job listing seeking a new assistant for Rob Lowe! Uncovered by TMZ, the post sets forth some truly remarkable demands for anyone interested in becoming Lowe’s manservant—including “Never assume anything,” “Ensure the CLIENT is fed and has coffee throughout the day,” “Ensure that the CLIENT HAS A DINNER PLAN IF ARRIVING HOME LATER THAN 8 PM,” “let Estate staff know if the CLIENT wants a Jacuzzi turned on or a massage ordered for his arrival,” “serve as the CLIENT’S body man” and “lift up to 25 pounds as required to support THE CLIENT.” (To be fair, we often ask Hubby Kip to “alert our estate staff that we’d like a Jacuzzi turned on,” but that’s just code for “pour us a bubble bath and GTFO because we just want to watch The Bachelor and not have to deal with your bullshit tonight.” Y’know. Same diff!) But along with the command to “never assume anything,” this post kind of makes Rob Lowe sound like the worst boss in the entire world, right? OH, WAIT... Whoops! We spoke too soon! “President Trump fired his acting attorney general on Monday night, removing her as the nation’s top law enforcement officer after she defiantly refused to defend his executive order closing the nation’s borders to refugees and people from predominantly Muslim countries,” reports the New York Times. Trump accused the 100 percent badass Sally Q. Yates of betraying his administration—which only makes sense if you consider “betrayal” to be “doing her goddamn job,” “having anything remotely resembling a moral compass,” and “not kowtowing to the unconstitutional and illegal demands of a racist fascist.” Y’know. Same diff! (CONFIDENTIAL TO “SALLY IN WASHINGTON”: Sally! Come over and watch The Bachelor with us!)


TUESDAY, JANUARY 31

On the upside, we’ve got something to look forward to: Between now and World War III, our beloved Samantha Bee will be offering an alternative to the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner! Traditionally acknowledged as the annual meet-up for Washington’s most spineless reporters, the event usually finds news folk tipping back drinks with the very Washington officials they’re supposed to be covering... like Trump. Bee, thank god, is having none of it, taking her Full Frontal with Samantha Bee crew to Washington on April 29—the same night as the White House Correspondents’ Dinner—to put on a show called, appropriately enough, “Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.” “We’re not trying to supersede it,” Bee told the New York Times. “We just want to be there in case something happens—or doesn’t happen—and ensure that we get to properly roast the president.” God bless you, Samantha Bee—a TBS personality who, somehow, is showing more integrity than many Washington “reporters.” (CONFIDENTIAL TO “SALLY IN WASHINGTON”: Sally! Are you free on April 29? Come over and watch Samantha Bee with us!)


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1

AAAAAAHHH! DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING, EVERYBODY! BEYONCÉ IS HAVING TWINS!! “We would like to share our love and happiness,” Queen Bey posted on Instagram today, along with a picture of her cradling her burgeoning belly. “We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes.” The pic—in which Beyoncé wore a sheer green veil and knelt on top of what appeared to be either a child’s science project about flowers or an elaborate funeral arrangement—immediately brought joy to the entire goddamned world, hungry for good news after an endless dirge of apocalyptic developments. As for us, dears, we’re considering Bey’s wondrous Insta post as nothing short of an omen—for, as Mercury contributor Elinor Jones tweeted, “Beyoncé would not let children be born into this misery. She knows something. Have hope.”


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2

We’re endlessly amused by conservative Christians’ support for Donald Trump—because he could not give one single fuck about their stupid religion. Today Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes (Ouch! Humiliating! SAD!)—spoke at the annual National Prayer Breakfast before a crowd of religious leaders, and while he may not have mentioned Jesus, he did talk at length about Arnold Schwarzenegger. “When I ran for president, I had to leave [The Apprentice],” Trump said to the confused Christians. “And they hired a big, big movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place. And... the ratings went right down the tubes. It’s been a total disaster... I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings, okay.” So don’t pray for Syrian refugees, don’t pray for the millions who might lose their health insurance—pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings... and do it sarcastically! Christians, you got the president you deserve. MEANWHILE... While plugging his new movie Gold, actor Matthew McConaughey was asked by BBC One if Hollywood should give Trump “a break.” “They don’t have a choice now,” Matthew drawled. “He’s our president... It’s time for us to embrace, shake hands with this fact, and be constructive with him over the next four years.” Actually, we do have a choice, and our choice is to say “Fuck YOU, Matthew McConaughey. We aren’t going to do anything to help that racist bag of crap. And by the way, you’re now on our shit list, so fuck your new movie, fuck your bougie Lincoln commercials, and fuck your six-pack abs. Okay, don’t fuck your six-pack abs. Just pull your shirt over your face (so we can check out your abs) and keep your fucking mouth shut.”


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3

Speaking of refusing to be cooperative with Trump, Seattle federal judge James L. Robart has temporarily stopped the president’s plan to target refugees and immigrants from seven Muslim-majority countries. Shockingly, Trump didn’t like that ruling very much! “The opinion of this so-called judge,” Trump squealed on Twitter, “which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!” (Fun fact: This “so-called judge” was actually appointed by the Bush administration and unanimously approved by the Senate. Also, Trump is an uneducated dick.) Anyway this means that, as of press time, people from those seven countries can continue to be welcomed into America—a country built by and for immigrants—no matter what our so-called president says. (Have we mentioned he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes?)


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4

Want some more news that will undoubtedly infuriate so-called President Trump? Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus will no longer be selling Ivanka Trump’s gaudy fashion line thanks to declining sales and pressure from activists involved with the #GrabYourWallet campaign, which aims to punish companies who support Trump financially or politically. Nordstrom went a step further by sending an email to their employees in response to Trump’s Muslim ban. “We literally have thousands of employees who are first and second generation immigrants,” wrote brothers Peter, Edward, and Blake Nordstrom. “Every one of your unique qualities brings a richness that allows us to better reflect and serve the multi-cultured communities we’re a part of and ultimately makes us a better company.” And that’s something “brilliant businessman” Trump will never understand. So go ahead and start shopping at Nordstrom again, everybody! (And while you’re there, pick us up a pair of Anita black suede over-the-knee boots, size 8.5. We thank you in advance.)


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5

So there was no way we were going to watch the Super Bowl, because institutionalized brain trauma is so not hot. Also, fuck Trump’s friendship with Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, right? That’s why we sent Hubby Kip down to his basement cave to watch the game, while we fell into an internet “cute shoe” hole involving companies that aren’t included on the #GrabYourWallet list. When Hubby Kip emerged hours later, he informed us that the Patriots had won, coming back from a 25-point deficit (which apparently is unheard of). “And this is of interest because...?” we asked sweetly. “Because you should’ve seen Brady’s face in the first half,” Hubby Kip replied. “Beaten, defeated, embarrassed... just like we looked on election night.” I placed an index finger on my adorable dimpled chin and said, “Go on.” “I mean, I know Tom Brady is a Trump-supporting douche-hole,” Kip continued. “But I recognized that same feeling of futility after Hillary lost—of falling into a pit that seems impossible to climb out of. So if this douche-hole somehow found a way to fight back and win, why can’t we?” Frankly, dears, we... were... stunned—for reasons longtime One Day readers will easily recognize. Then he cinched the deal. “So, Annie,” he said. “Let’s check out that #GrabYourWallet site you’ve been looking at.” That’s all it took, dear readers. “Hubby Kip,” we said, “you are so getting laid tonight.”