GEORGE AND AMAL CLOONEY Why don't you just stab a knife into our fucking heart already? Getty / Kevin Winter

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6

SWEET FREEDOM getty / win mcnamee

Hello again, dears! You may not need reminding, but for most of us, every day feels like a scalding, excruciating dip into the fiery lakes of Hell. Don’t forget, it’s not that way for everyone. “For anyone wondering how former president Barack Obama is adjusting to life under the Trump administration, know this: He seems to be doing just fine,” reports the New York Times. “Mr. Obama and his wife, Michelle Obama, took a vacation to the British Virgin Islands, where they have been hosted by Richard Branson. On Tuesday, Mr. Branson published a blog post, along with photos and a video, showing Mr. Obama learning to kitesurf.” “Being the former president of America, there was lots of security around,” Branson writes, “but Barack was able to really relax and get into it.” “Hee hee! Later, assholes!” Obama was heard to cackle as he kitesurfed away into a beautiful sunset, leaving behind this garbage world forever. Kitesurf on, Barack. Kitesurf on. We never deserved you.


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7

Now that we know former President Obama is doing okay, let’s check in on the profound stupidity of our current presidential administration. “White House rattled by McCarthy’s spoof of Spicer,” read a headline yesterday on Politico, above a story about how the “devastating Saturday Night Live caricature” of White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer—“in which a belligerent Spicer was spoofed by a gum-chomping, super soaker-wielding Melissa McCarthy in drag”—is causing major problems in the White House. “Trump doesn’t like his people to look weak,” a “top Trump donor” whispered to Politico. “More than being lampooned as a press secretary who makes up facts,” Politico continued, “it was Spicer’s portrayal by a woman that was most problematic in the president’s eyes.... Trump’s uncharacteristic Twitter silence was seen internally as a sign of how uncomfortable it had made the White House feel.” Probably because McCarthy’s portrayal—just like Alec Baldwin as Trump and Kate McKinnon as Kellyanne Conway—is creepily accurate and hilarious. In fact, while watching it, we couldn’t stop laughing... that is, until we couldn’t stop crying again.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Today in “Men Really Love Telling Women to Shut Up”: Republicans—in particular Majority Leader Mitch McConnell—are being dragged around the internet for silencing Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren during her testimony against Attorney General nominee Jeff “Yeee-HAW!” Sessions. To provide a stark example of Sessions’ racist past, Warren began reading a 1986 letter from Coretta Scott King that criticized his record on civil rights. McConnell didn’t like that very much and, using an arcane rule against “impugning” a fellow senator, basically told her to shut up and sit down. “She was warned,” McConnell later said. “She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.” And persist she did, later reading King’s letter in its entirety on Facebook—in a video that has now received more than 12.5 million views—and galvanizing the Democratic party. So while telling a woman to shut up didn’t work out so great for McConnell, there is one upside: He’s lucky he didn’t get the teeth slapped out of his goddamn mouth. MEANWHILE... According to GQ magazine, there are absolutely no hard feelings between the dreamboaty Tom Hiddleston and the lying witch who dumped him, Taylor Swift! “Taylor is an amazing woman,” Tom Hiddleston said. “She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time.” He also denied rumors their relationship was fake (“Of course it was real”), discussed gossip rags’ obsession with his “IT.S.” tank top (“It was a joke. It was a joke among friends”), and was generally portrayed as being very, very sad, with impossibly named GQ writer Taffy Brodesser-Akner noting that Hiddleston is clearly “someone who is still crushed by the end of a relationship.” In which case, Taffy, can you give Tom our number? We are happy to help Tom however we can, with whatever he needs. We even have an “I ♥ A.R.” tank top all ready to go! We made it with glitter paint!


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9

STOP THE PRESSES! (Or is it “stop the internet”? Not sure how things work anymore.) Unbelievably, the White House has actually acknowledged a mistake! Following the decision from Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus to drop Ivanka Trump’s ass-ugly clothing and accessory line, top Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway went on Fox News and told viewers to “go buy Ivanka’s stuff”—which wasn’t exactly the smartest move. House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) quickly proclaimed Kellyanne’s on-the-spot commercial to be a serious ethical breach that was “way over the line.” Shockingly, instead of the screeching, butt-hurt presidential tweet we were all expecting, the White House claimed that Kellyanne had been “counseled” for the blunder. Who did the counseling? Nobody knows. The point is: This is the closest we’ve come yet to hearing an actual admission of guilt from these diabolical, constantly lying buffoo... STOP THE PRESSES! THE INTERNET! THE WHATEVER! “Beyoncé and Jay Z aren’t the only A-list celebs soon to be shopping for double strollers,” USA Today writes. “George and Amal Clooney are expecting twins of their own.” Okay. Okayokayokayokayokay, this is not a big deal. Truth be told, it’s been years since our heart was set on marrying George and living happily ever after—besides, we’ve totally moved on to T. Hiddleston. But if we were to have any feelings about this “twins” subject (which, frankly, we don’t), it would only be the slightest twinge of bittersweet rage that George and Amal are blessed with the babies that should have been our own—but like we said, NBD. Congrats, you two. We mean that sincerely. (BTW, if anyone would like to come to our house and hide all the kitchen knives, that might not be the most terrible idea.)


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Remember when Fridays were something to look forward to, rather than a white-knuckled rollercoaster ride through Hell? Yeah, good times. ITEM: Today it was revealed that Trump’s national security adviser Michael Flynn had discussed American sanctions against Russia with their ambassador before the president took office—basically telling Russia to chill out, because Trump would make Obama’s sanctions go away. Flynn, along with top Trump officials including Veep Mike Pence, had been voraciously denying the charges—until Flynn was caught red-handed. This is just another whopper to pile on the administration’s ever-growing tsunami of lies, and provides more evidence that Trump’s campaign actively colluded with the Russians to sway the election. (If there is such a thing as “justice,” they will all be in prison by June.) MEANWHILE, IN GOOD NEWS: The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals sent a resounding “Fuck YOUUUUUUUU” to Donald Trump’s clearly racist Muslim-targeted travel ban, unanimously rejecting it while reminding him the judiciary has absolute authority to keep his crazy policies in check. As usual, Trump’s tweeted response was subtle: “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!” (Actually, we’ve already seen him in court... twice. Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—isn’t so great at keeping score.)


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

While patiently waiting for impeachment proceedings to begin, there’s one conspiracy we can finally put to bed: Ben Affleck’s hilariously awful phoenix tattoo. You may remember that in March 2016, we reported that Benny got a gigantic “phoenix rising from the ashes” tattoo on his back. The result? Everyone in the world (including exes Jennifer Garner and Jennifer Lopez) pointed and laughed. However, Ben quickly declared that the tattoo was actually a fake, intended for a film role—which sounded pretty fishy to us at the time. Flash forward to TODAY, when the Boston Globe provided a picture taken last weekend of Ben bending over, and revealing (you guessed it!) the stupid “phoenix rising from the ashes” tattoo! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Gotcha, liar! By order of the Ninth Circuit Court of One Day at a Time, Ben Affleck is hereby IMPEACHED! (Ahhh, that felt SO good.)


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

NOT BEYONCÉ getty / michael kovak

Dear Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: Thanks for ruling against Trump... but now can you PLEASE do something about the Grammys? Ordinarily we couldn’t be bothered to give one single shit about this useless, annoying awards show—but when they gave Adele the two top awards (Best Album and Best Record) when the rightful ruler of the universe, Queen Beyoncé, was right there, in the same room, there is very good reason to burn the earth to the ground. In her defense, Adele admitted she in no way deserved those awards and expressed the utmost respect for Beyoncé—and yet? We feel zero satisfaction. Here’s the speech Adele should’ve given: “I absolutely will NOT accept this award. By anyone’s measure, Beyoncé’s Lemonade is the greatest work of art produced in this decade, FULL STOP. To deny our queen this award further shows the irrelevancy of the Grammys, and their continued disrespect of black artists and particularly black women. Also, my song “Hello” is hella annoying. Thank you, and good night.” (Expect the Ninth Circuit Court’s ruling on our appeal early next week.)