MONDAY, APRIL 10
âWeâve got essentially two and a half weeks to turn everything around,â a White House staffer tells Politico, referring to the fact that Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, is nearing his 100th day in officeâa time when pundits weigh an administrationâs early accomplishments! Or, in this case, a lack of accomplishments, due to the fact that Trumpâs White House is a shit-smeared clusterfuck. â[Trumpâs presidency] has been marred by legislative stumbles, legal setbacks, senior staff kneecapping one another, the resignation of his national security adviser, and near-daily headlines and headaches about links to Russia,â notes Politico, adding that last week, a âtense planning sessionâ took place in the White House in an attempt to make the administration even remotely presentable. Staffers were given âwhiteboards, markers, and giant butcher-block-type paper to brainstorm lists of early successes,â according to a sourceâwith one group even getting down on their hands and knees to work on their little arts-and-crafts project in the hallway. âIt made me feel like I was back in fifth grade,â a White House aide admitted. The result of this desperate brainstorming sesh? Well... nothingâpossibly because Trumpâs communication director Mike Dubke told participants that Trump lacks a coherent foreign policy and âThere is no Trump doctrine.â And you thought George W. Bushâs art projects were bad. IN RELATED NEWS... Dear god, itâs only been 100 days? It feels like 100 years. We looked in the mirror this morning and saw a bitter, furious crone glaring back at usâher skin like the cracked earth of a sunbaked desert, her eyes clouded and dull, her hair stringy and slack. This is what 100 days has done to us, dears! After 1,360 more, weâre just going to be a skeleton at a keyboard. Maybe because of stress, maybe because of nuclear war. Who knows!
TUESDAY, APRIL 11
As we wrote last week, United Airlines recently decided a passenger whoâd purchased a coach ticket shouldnât get to use itâand when he refused to give up his seat, three Chicago Department of Aviation security officers forcibly removed him by beating him bloody, knocking him unconscious, and dragging his limp body off the plane. As Helaine Olen points out in the New York Times, Unitedâs brutal treatment is indicative of several factorsâfrom âthe increased militarization of American life, with authorities reacting to common disputes in increasingly aggressive waysâ to the countryâs widening economic gap. âThe airlines are seemingly forever coming up with new and innovative ways to coddle an increasingly small group,â Olen writes, âwhile treating the majority of fliers with greater and greater contempt.â On the upside, at least United will be extra careful for the next few days, right? Oh. Wait. âSCORPION STINGS MAN ON UNITED FLIGHT TO CALGARY,â according to NBC News! âA creature that appeared to be a scorpion fell from an overhead bin and stung a man on a United Airlines flight,â NBC continued. âLook, the media is blowing this waaaay out of proportion,â United CEO Oscar Munoz told reporters. âBesides, that scorpion paid extra for Unitedâs deluxe âPremium Cabinâ option, which grants him extra legroom, one free checked bag, priority boarding, and the right to sting the shit out of whatever poor person is sitting beneath him.â
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12
Okay, deep breath, dears. Weâre going to quote the Washington Post, and you know thatâs never pretty. âIn criticizing Syrian President Bashar al-Assadâs alleged use of chemical weapons, White House press secretary Sean Spicer said Tuesday that even Adolf Hitler did not sink to that level of warfare, despite Hitlerâs use of gas chambers to kill millions of Jews,â the Post writes. And, incredibly, it gets worse. âWhen given the chance to clarify his commentâuttered during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United StatesâSpicer then said Hitler took Jews âinto the Holocaust centerâ but that Hitler âwas not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing.ââ IN RELATED NEWS... Hey, White House reporters! Maybe you can start smuggling scorpions into press briefings? Youâll know what to do with them.
THURSDAY, APRIL 13
According to words actually burbling out of Trumpâs mouth, his love affair with senior advisor/white nationalist blogger Steve Bannon seems to be souring. âI like Steve,â Trump told the New York Postâs Michael Goodwin when asked if Bannon still had the presidentâs confidence. âBut you have to remember he was not involved in my campaign until very late....â Many outlets have reported the ongoing feud between Bannon and son-in-law Jared âUgh... JAREDâ Kushner, and it doesnât take a psychic to see which way Trump is leaning. âSteve is a good guy,â Trump mistakenly said, âbut I told them to straighten it out or I will.â This is the America in which we now resideâwhere weâre forced to root for a pasty-faced, inexperienced, Dockers-wearing frat boy over an evil, pockmarked pustule residing on a goatâs anal gland. (Dear god, how did we get here?) MEANWHILE... Today the US dropped a MOABâAKA the âmother of all bombsâ and Americaâs largest and most powerful non-nuclear weaponâon an ISIS cave hideout in Afghanistan... and itâs fairly possible that President Trump had no idea what the military was doing. He certainly didnât give the go-ahead for a MOAB. âWe have given [the military] total authorization,â Trump told reporters following the bombing, âand frankly, thatâs why theyâve been so successful lately.â Mmmmmmm... really? Because on Tuesday a US-led airstrike in Syria accidentally killed 18 Syrian military allies, not to mention the earlier bombings, which have murdered scores of civilians and inspired Airwarsâa bomb-tracking research groupâto declare March the most deadly month for civilians in the organizationâs history. By the way, isnât it the presidentâs job to directly oversee and take responsibility for what our military is doing? And another thi... oh. Sorry, we just got shushed by Trump, whoâs trying to sink a 19-foot putt on the 16th hole at Mar-a-Lago. We can chat about it later.
FRIDAY, APRIL 14
Well, hereâs some news that isnât concerning at all: According to NBC News, the US is prepared to launch a preemptive strike against North Korea if the country follows through on a promised nuclear weapons test that will probably go down this weekend, which will surely lead to all-out war, thereby ruining all Easter festivities including a planned brunch we had with Hubby Kipâs cousin Sylvia and her four terrible children. Actually, maybe war isnât all bad? What are we saying?!? WAR IS SO BAD! In fact, people are preparing for their quick and painful deaths by drawing their loved ones near... which is particularly hot in the case of Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx! (Take note: That last sentence will go down in history as our best segue ever.) According to Us Weekly, the alleged three-year clandestine romance between Katie and Jamie is just about to go public! According to a snoopy source, âKatie is tired of playing the hiding game,â which includes taking âsecret back elevatorsâ and riding in âcars with tinted windows.â So in the very near future, expect to see these two hotties âgoing out to dinner moreâ and possibly taking a âtrip to Europe.â Or, you know... having their beautiful skin melted off before dying in a fiery nuclear apocalypse. Our point is this: Hurry up and masturbate!
SATURDAY, APRIL 15
Okay, everybody! Calm the eff down. The nuclear holocaust due to start today between two psychotic world leaders has been temporarily postponed. (Seriously, the way you panic over these non-events is embarrassing!) Instead of a promised nuclear test, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un decided to show the world his military prowess by launching a ballistic missileâwhich blew up almost immediately. (Insert sad trombone sound here.) But SHHHHH! Donât you dare tell Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx! We want them to have sex and babies.
SUNDAY, APRIL 16
âThe election is over!â tweeted President Trump on a day when most presidents have said things like... oh, we donât know... âHappy Easter.â Turns out Trump was FAH-URIOUS about yesterdayâs nationwide Tax March, in which thousands demanded the president release his probably cheated-on taxes. âI did what was an almost an [sic] impossible thing to do for a Republican,â the president scream-tweeted. âEasily won the Electoral College! Now Tax Returns are brought up again?â Then, no more than six minutes later... âSomeone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over!â MEANWHILE... When contacted for comment, Jesus Christ sadly shook his head, saying, âFor this I rose again? Iâm going back to bed.â