Since 1880, when it was gifted to President Rutherford B. Hayes by Queen Victoria, the White House’s Resolute desk has been used by presidents to help shape the face of the modern world. Since the presidency of John F. Kennedy, who installed the desk in the Oval Office, the Resolute—hewn from the mighty English oak of British Arctic exploration ship the HMS Resolute—has been an integral part of the White House, and was the preferred desk of Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama. But then some asshole—some asshole who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—decided the Resolute desk wasn’t quite complete! “A man accustomed to wealth and its trappings, Trump has embraced life in the Executive Mansion, often regaling guests with trivia about the historic decor,” writes the Associated Press’ Julie Pace in her piece on Trump’s first 100 days in office. “With the push of a red button placed on the Resolute Desk... a White House butler soon arrived with a Coke for the president.” Yes, dears, you read that correctly: Donald Trump had a button installed on the Resolute desk, and when he pushes it, some poor bastard has to bring him a Coke. So this is the way the world ends—not with a bang, but with the fizz of carbonated, high-fructose corn syrup. (Note to self: Make Hubby Kip install a martini button on our IKEA desk.)


In the past few weeks, United Airlines has (1) beaten a passenger bloody, (2) allowed a goddamn scorpion to escape from an overhead compartment, and (3) kicked a couple off their honeymoon flight! And now... now they’re BUNNY MURDERERS. “Scandal-hit United Airlines is facing a new PR disaster—after a valuable giant rabbit died mysteriously on one of its planes,” gabs British gossip rag The Sun. “Three-foot Simon, destined to be the world’s biggest bunny, died in the cargo section of a Boeing 767 after flying out of Heathrow to a new celebrity owner in the US.” “Simon had a vet’s check-up three hours before the flight and was fit as a fiddle. Something very strange has happened and I want to know what,” fumed giant-rabbit breeder Annette Edwards. “I’ve sent rabbits all around the world and nothing like this has happened before.” “Well, that’s because you didn’t send them United,” explained United CEO Oscar Munoz, daintily dabbing at his mouth with a silk napkin after enjoying an immaculate lapin au vin. “My compliments to the chef!”


Hope you enjoyed the internet while it lasted, dears! “The chairman of the Federal Communications Commission on Wednesday outlined a sweeping plan to loosen the government’s oversight of high-speed internet providers,” reports the New York Times—adding that the plan is “a rebuke of a landmark policy approved two years ago to ensure that all online content is treated the same by the companies that deliver broadband service to Americans.” So what’s this mean for you? Well, it means companies like Comcast, Verizon, and AT&T will now throttle certain sites and services, from news outlets to Netflix (and oooh, they hate Netflix). They’ll give preference to their own streaming services, and make you wait—or pay more—to access others. In short, your cable and phone companies now decide what news you read and what shows you watch—and they’ll likely charge you more for the privilege. According to the Times, corporate lackey and Trump-appointed FCC chairman Ajit Pai “said high-speed internet service should no longer be treated like a public utility with strict rules, as it is now. The move would, in effect, largely leave the industry to police itself.” As anyone who’s ever dealt with Comcast can attest, this should go great. Time to dust off the printing presses and try to remember what video stores are! (Those are... places where you can... rent YouTubes on... VHS? We think we’re remembering that right.)


Are you sick of music festivals packed with smelly plebeians? Are you willing to pay top dollar for a luxury festival featuring “the best in music, culture, art, and food all while surrounded by one of the most beautiful and pristine settings in the world”? Well, keep on wishing, because the Fyre Festival—held today in the Bahamas—was an absolute shit show. Conceived by old-timey rapper Ja Rule and random tech dude Billy McFarland, the Fyre Fest intended to offer a luxury glamping/concert-going experience with tickets ranging from $1,200 to $250,000 (!!) and performances from such luminaries as Blink-182. (Blink-182? That should’ve been the first red flag.) Instead, attendees arrived to find a poorly managed, chaotic tent city with little food, water, and electricity—but it got worse. When Blink-182 pulled out of the lineup (claiming they hadn’t been paid), the organizers were forced to shut the festival down and attempt to get everyone off the island... which was a catastrophe in and of itself. Perhaps worst of all, they had forgotten to order beer. And this just in: Ja Rule and McFarland have been hit with a $100 million lawsuit for fraud. Ouch! IN A RELATED STORY... United Airlines was jubilant today, telling reporters, “Our greatest thanks to the Fyre Festival for temporarily distracting everyone from our many problems. If you like, we can send over a case of tiny beers and dinner for some of your guests. Is giant rabbit okay?”


Today, in the continuing death of print media: The living equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard, Gwyneth Paltrow, has announced that she’s teaming up with Vogue editor Anna “EEEK!” Wintour to produce a print version of her website Goop. For newcomers to One Day at a Time, Goop is like SkyMall for the leisured class—selling such necessary products as Thermal Spring Water facial spray, and $185 cut-off jean shorts, and offering vitally important tips on how to steam one’s vagina. According to Women’s Wear Daily, after shuttering Self magazine, publisher Condé Nast has been looking for a suitable replacement... and since they couldn’t find one, they’re going with Goop. Expect the first issue of Goop magazine to debut in September, filled with articles such as, “Amsterdam’s Top 10 Gluten-Free Nail Stylists” and “Buy This $435 Tube of Wrinkle Cream Made from Ocelot Tears.”


Today was the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where in the past, members of the press and the president have roasted each other, thereby taking much of the tension out of a sometimes adversarial relationship. But this year? Oh, you know... Donald Trump. Who ruins everything. For everyone. Naturally Trump refused to attend the dinner because he is an orange, feckless coward who subsists on bluster and lies—but the event continued without him, turning into a joyous pep rally for the free press, with supportive words from journalistic luminaries such as Watergate reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. “When lying is combined with secrecy, there’s a pretty good roadmap in front of you,” Bernstein said. “Yes, follow the money, but also follow the lies.” Lightening the mood was Daily Show correspondent/comedian Hasan Minhaj, who told the crowd “no one wanted to do this [gig], so, of course, it landed in the hands of an immigrant.” In regard to Trump avoiding the dinner, Minhaj said, “The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It’s a very long flight, it’d be hard for Vlad to make it. As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania because he can’t take a joke.” MEANWHILE AT A TRUMP RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA... “[Those journalists in Washington] are trapped at a dinner,” Trump told a throng of sign-waving supporters, “which will be very, very boring.” Yeah, he’s probably right. Just a bunch of people laughing at him.


So what exactly did President Trump accomplish in his first 100 days in office? Actually, A LOT! He attained historically low presidential approval ratings, for one thing. He was able to convince a Republican majority to say “NO” to every one of the promises he made to voters (like repealing Obamacare). That’s quite a feat! Plus, while other presidents made things happen quickly by skipping Congress and enacting executive orders, President Trump accomplished the opposite—writing orders that have largely been meaningless (like his tax reform plan) or blocked by the courts (like the Muslim travel ban). But that’s just the tip of the accomplishment iceberg, because Trump also succeeded where practically every other president has failed: According to the Washington Post, in a short 100 days, President Trump has lied or misled the American public 488 times! Sure, he wanted to hit 500—but as his supporters keep telling us, we just gotta give him a chance!