ELISABETH MOSS All hail, Emperor Klaaktu! Ryan Bedder / Stringer / getty

MONDAY, MAY 1

“Isn’t it relevant that the star of The Handmaid’s Tale belongs to a secretive, allegedly oppressive religion?” asks Jezebel’s Anna Merlan, bringing up one of the weirdest things about Hulu’s adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian feminist classic: the fact that Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss, who plays a woman living under an authoritarian regime that brutalizes its subjects (especially women), is, in real life, a proud member of Scientology... an authoritarian regime that brutalizes its subjects (especially women). So that’s why Moss’ performance feels hollow, and—UGH. SOMEBODY’S FACETIMING US, DEARS. “Ann, your feeble lady-brain cannot grasp the complexities of The Handmaid’s Tale!” screeched Emperor Klaaktu—Warlord of Rigel VII, Scientology’s Chief Spokesalien, and someone whose number we really need to block. “Look, I enjoy your stupid little column as much as anyone else who skims it for two minutes on the bus,” Klaaktu continued, “but you have got to get off this anti-Scientology kick! I’ll tell you what I told Lizzy when she asked my permission to take the role: The Handmaid’s Tale is a wonderful depiction of an ideal society, and shall serve as a glorious inspiration to all! So catch new episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale every Wednesday on Hulu—starring the phenomenal Elisabeth Moss, who is not brainwashed at all, by the way! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure all the subliminal references to thetan ghosts made it into Tom Cruise’s The Mummy. See it in IMAX and get a free personality test after the screening!”


TUESDAY, MAY 2

Jimmy Kimmel is the best. It’s true! Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the late-night host told a very personal story—about how his son Billy was born with a congenital heart defect that required open heart surgery mere days after his birth. Thankfully, Billy is fine... but Kimmel had more to say. “Until a few years ago, millions and millions of us had no access to health insurance at all,” Kimmel said. “Before 2014, if you were born with congenital heart disease, like my son was, there was a good chance you’d never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition... and if your parents didn’t have insurance, you might not live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition,” Kimmel continued. “If your baby is going to die, and it doesn’t have to, it should not matter how much money you make.... We all agree on that, right? Whatever your party... we need to make sure people who are supposed to represent us, people who are meeting about this right now in Washington, understand that very clearly.” (So much for our mascara, dears. And it was looking so good today.) Naturally, Kimmel’s speech inspired bipartisan support for the ACA and... oh. Here’s Alabama’s Republican Representative Mo Brooks on CNN, arguing in favor of the ACA-destroying Trumpcare. “[Trumpcare] will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool that helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy,” said Brooks, like a real piece of shit. In other words? Pay up, baby Billy. Republicans want you to start pulling your weight.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 3

We don’t know why everyone’s so worried about health care—we clearly have enough money to cover everyone! After all, if Americans are paying for Trump to fly to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, we should be fine. “Congress would allocate more than $120 million in additional money to help cover the escalating costs of protecting the Trump family,” reports the New York Times. That extra $120 million “reflects the tremendous costs associated with protecting the lifestyle of Mr. Trump and his family,” the Times adds, citing “business trips to Vancouver and Dubai by Mr. Trump’s adult sons to ski weekends in Aspen, Colo., and Whistler, British Columbia, by his daughter Ivanka.” So now we know exactly what it costs to have someone in the White House who doesn’t want to be in the White House. MEANWHILE... “If the election had been on October 27, I’d be your president,” said Hillary Clinton, speaking with CNN’s Christiane Amanpour. Clinton criticized Trump (who, friendly reminder, lost to Clinton by 2,864,974 votes), blamed FBI director James B. Comey for her defeat (heavy sigh), and declared, “I’m back to being an active citizen and part of the resistance.” In related news, we couldn’t finish reading the Times story because it made us too sad.


THURSDAY, MAY 4

After wiping away their tears following Jimmy Kimmel’s moving monologue about his son Billy’s brush with death, Republicans in Congress said to each other, “Guys, that was so sad. Glad it has nothing to do with us! Now let’s get out there and pass that flawed, rushed Trumpcare health plan!” And so they did—without cost analysis from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) and, in many cases, without even reading it. (That sound you hear is our perfectly coiffed head exploding and splattering the vanity mirror.) Still, from their standpoint, it was absolutely crucial for Republicans to score any kind of victory, even though Trumpcare as written will result in tax cuts for the wealthy, Medicaid rollbacks, higher insurance rates for seniors, slashed funding for Planned Parenthood, and in some states, the complete loss of coverage for pre-existing conditions (as in baby Billy Kimmel’s case). But reality check: There’s little chance Trumpcare will pass the Senate in its current hateful form, and this cowardly vote will probably lead to the downfall of many Republicans who are on the reelection bubble. Don’t forget, GOP shitheads—2018 is right around the corner. Hope you’ve got a good insurance plan!


FRIDAY, MAY 5

Everybody rejoice: The twerking princess of pop, Miley Cyrus, is sharing two major revelations: (1) She’s disavowing hip-hop and returning to her country roots, and (2) she hasn’t smoked weed... in like, three weeks! And it’s crazy! “This is crazy, but I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks!” MiCy squealed to Billboard. “I like to surround myself with people that make me want to get better, more evolved, open. And I was noticing it’s not the people that are stoned.” (Eep! Sorry, stoners!) Meanwhile, Miley denies she’s pandering to Trump voters with her quick pivot to country music. “I fucking hate it when people can’t adjust,” she said. “I used to [resist changing], but I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks, which is the longest I’ve ever [gone]!” Wait... when is she going to mention that she hasn’t smoked weed for three weeks? Don’t worry, dears, we’re not judging... after all, it’s been three whole hours since our last martini. THREE HOURS! It’s crazy!


SATURDAY, MAY 6

Today in OH NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT: MediaTakeOut.com (MTO) made the verrrry unwise choice to suggest that the currently pregnant Beyoncé’s lips—looking juicy and full in one of her recent Insta posts—were... (get ready to attack)... surgically enhanced. Well, that’s all the Beyhive needed to hear, and they immediately took to MTO’s comment section and mercilessly dragged the author through a pit filled with broken glass, rusty nails, and rubbing alcohol. Oh, but the slap-down didn’t stop there! Beyoncé’s fiery publicist Yvette Noel-Schure released a statement designed to metaphorically slap the words right out of MTO’s mouth. “What do you know about the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s entire body?” Noel-Schure wrote. “Did you know that in addition to weight gain there is often a dramatic change in the blood flow in the system and increased fluid causing swelling?” Other choice words were uttered such as “cowards,” “hate and negativity,” and “coldest, despicable heart”—but here comes the haymaker. “Stop by a store that has happiness on sale because you need to buy some,” she wrote. BAM! Moral: Poke the hive, get stung by a Bey. (Or her publicist, which is worse.)


SUNDAY, MAY 7

Okay, never thought we’d say this: Congratulations to the MTV Movie and TV Awards for being the first ceremony to give away gender-neutral acting awards. Rejecting antiquated gender categories such as Best Actress, MTV awarded Emma Watson with the “Best Actor” award for Beauty and the Beast. “[MTV’s decision] will mean something different to everyone,” Watson said in her acceptance speech, “but to me it indicates that acting is about the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes; and that doesn’t need to be separated into two different categories.” Let’s hope all other award shows will follow suit—but while MTV is being so generous, would it kill them to bring music videos back? We’re old and miss Jamiroquai!