MONDAY, MAY 1
âIsnât it relevant that the star of The Handmaidâs Tale belongs to a secretive, allegedly oppressive religion?â asks Jezebelâs Anna Merlan, bringing up one of the weirdest things about Huluâs adaptation of Margaret Atwoodâs dystopian feminist classic: the fact that Mad Menâs Elisabeth Moss, who plays a woman living under an authoritarian regime that brutalizes its subjects (especially women), is, in real life, a proud member of Scientology... an authoritarian regime that brutalizes its subjects (especially women). So thatâs why Mossâ performance feels hollow, andâUGH. SOMEBODYâS FACETIMING US, DEARS. âAnn, your feeble lady-brain cannot grasp the complexities of The Handmaidâs Tale!â screeched Emperor KlaaktuâWarlord of Rigel VII, Scientologyâs Chief Spokesalien, and someone whose number we really need to block. âLook, I enjoy your stupid little column as much as anyone else who skims it for two minutes on the bus,â Klaaktu continued, âbut you have got to get off this anti-Scientology kick! Iâll tell you what I told Lizzy when she asked my permission to take the role: The Handmaidâs Tale is a wonderful depiction of an ideal society, and shall serve as a glorious inspiration to all! So catch new episodes of The Handmaidâs Tale every Wednesday on Huluâstarring the phenomenal Elisabeth Moss, who is not brainwashed at all, by the way! Now, if youâll excuse me, I need to make sure all the subliminal references to thetan ghosts made it into Tom Cruiseâs The Mummy. See it in IMAX and get a free personality test after the screening!â
TUESDAY, MAY 2
Jimmy Kimmel is the best. Itâs true! Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the late-night host told a very personal storyâabout how his son Billy was born with a congenital heart defect that required open heart surgery mere days after his birth. Thankfully, Billy is fine... but Kimmel had more to say. âUntil a few years ago, millions and millions of us had no access to health insurance at all,â Kimmel said. âBefore 2014, if you were born with congenital heart disease, like my son was, there was a good chance youâd never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition... and if your parents didnât have insurance, you might not live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition,â Kimmel continued. âIf your baby is going to die, and it doesnât have to, it should not matter how much money you make.... We all agree on that, right? Whatever your party... we need to make sure people who are supposed to represent us, people who are meeting about this right now in Washington, understand that very clearly.â (So much for our mascara, dears. And it was looking so good today.) Naturally, Kimmelâs speech inspired bipartisan support for the ACA and... oh. Hereâs Alabamaâs Republican Representative Mo Brooks on CNN, arguing in favor of the ACA-destroying Trumpcare. â[Trumpcare] will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool that helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, theyâre healthy, theyâve done the things to keep their bodies healthy,â said Brooks, like a real piece of shit. In other words? Pay up, baby Billy. Republicans want you to start pulling your weight.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 3
We donât know why everyoneâs so worried about health careâwe clearly have enough money to cover everyone! After all, if Americans are paying for Trump to fly to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, we should be fine. âCongress would allocate more than $120 million in additional money to help cover the escalating costs of protecting the Trump family,â reports the New York Times. That extra $120 million âreflects the tremendous costs associated with protecting the lifestyle of Mr. Trump and his family,â the Times adds, citing âbusiness trips to Vancouver and Dubai by Mr. Trumpâs adult sons to ski weekends in Aspen, Colo., and Whistler, British Columbia, by his daughter Ivanka.â So now we know exactly what it costs to have someone in the White House who doesnât want to be in the White House. MEANWHILE... âIf the election had been on October 27, Iâd be your president,â said Hillary Clinton, speaking with CNNâs Christiane Amanpour. Clinton criticized Trump (who, friendly reminder, lost to Clinton by 2,864,974 votes), blamed FBI director James B. Comey for her defeat (heavy sigh), and declared, âIâm back to being an active citizen and part of the resistance.â In related news, we couldnât finish reading the Times story because it made us too sad.
THURSDAY, MAY 4
After wiping away their tears following Jimmy Kimmelâs moving monologue about his son Billyâs brush with death, Republicans in Congress said to each other, âGuys, that was so sad. Glad it has nothing to do with us! Now letâs get out there and pass that flawed, rushed Trumpcare health plan!â And so they didâwithout cost analysis from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) and, in many cases, without even reading it. (That sound you hear is our perfectly coiffed head exploding and splattering the vanity mirror.) Still, from their standpoint, it was absolutely crucial for Republicans to score any kind of victory, even though Trumpcare as written will result in tax cuts for the wealthy, Medicaid rollbacks, higher insurance rates for seniors, slashed funding for Planned Parenthood, and in some states, the complete loss of coverage for pre-existing conditions (as in baby Billy Kimmelâs case). But reality check: Thereâs little chance Trumpcare will pass the Senate in its current hateful form, and this cowardly vote will probably lead to the downfall of many Republicans who are on the reelection bubble. Donât forget, GOP shitheadsâ2018 is right around the corner. Hope youâve got a good insurance plan!
FRIDAY, MAY 5
Everybody rejoice: The twerking princess of pop, Miley Cyrus, is sharing two major revelations: (1) Sheâs disavowing hip-hop and returning to her country roots, and (2) she hasnât smoked weed... in like, three weeks! And itâs crazy! âThis is crazy, but I havenât smoked weed in three weeks!â MiCy squealed to Billboard. âI like to surround myself with people that make me want to get better, more evolved, open. And I was noticing itâs not the people that are stoned.â (Eep! Sorry, stoners!) Meanwhile, Miley denies sheâs pandering to Trump voters with her quick pivot to country music. âI fucking hate it when people canât adjust,â she said. âI used to [resist changing], but I havenât smoked weed in three weeks, which is the longest Iâve ever [gone]!â Wait... when is she going to mention that she hasnât smoked weed for three weeks? Donât worry, dears, weâre not judging... after all, itâs been three whole hours since our last martini. THREE HOURS! Itâs crazy!
SATURDAY, MAY 6
Today in OH NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT: MediaTakeOut.com (MTO) made the verrrry unwise choice to suggest that the currently pregnant BeyoncĂŠâs lipsâlooking juicy and full in one of her recent Insta postsâwere... (get ready to attack)... surgically enhanced. Well, thatâs all the Beyhive needed to hear, and they immediately took to MTOâs comment section and mercilessly dragged the author through a pit filled with broken glass, rusty nails, and rubbing alcohol. Oh, but the slap-down didnât stop there! BeyoncĂŠâs fiery publicist Yvette Noel-Schure released a statement designed to metaphorically slap the words right out of MTOâs mouth. âWhat do you know about the effects of pregnancy on a womanâs entire body?â Noel-Schure wrote. âDid you know that in addition to weight gain there is often a dramatic change in the blood flow in the system and increased fluid causing swelling?â Other choice words were uttered such as âcowards,â âhate and negativity,â and âcoldest, despicable heartââbut here comes the haymaker. âStop by a store that has happiness on sale because you need to buy some,â she wrote. BAM! Moral: Poke the hive, get stung by a Bey. (Or her publicist, which is worse.)
SUNDAY, MAY 7
Okay, never thought weâd say this: Congratulations to the MTV Movie and TV Awards for being the first ceremony to give away gender-neutral acting awards. Rejecting antiquated gender categories such as Best Actress, MTV awarded Emma Watson with the âBest Actorâ award for Beauty and the Beast. â[MTVâs decision] will mean something different to everyone,â Watson said in her acceptance speech, âbut to me it indicates that acting is about the ability to put yourself in someone elseâs shoes; and that doesnât need to be separated into two different categories.â Letâs hope all other award shows will follow suitâbut while MTV is being so generous, would it kill them to bring music videos back? Weâre old and miss Jamiroquai!