MONDAY, MAY 8
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dearsâwhere weâd love to be gabbing about gossip, but the end of the world keeps distracting us! UGH. Soooo... howâs the world ending today, you ask? Oh, yâknow, the usual: Total environmental devastation, overseen by a spineless group of craven capitalists. Today Scott Pruittâwho doesnât believe in climate change, yet was given the Environmental Protection Agency by Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votesâdecided ânot to renew the terms of nine of the 18-member board of scientific counselors, which advises the EPA on the quality and accuracy of the science it produces,â reports the Guardian. âThe committee has been eviscerated,â the EPA boardâs chair, Deborah Swackhamer, told the Guardian. âWe assumed these people would be renewed and there was no reason or indication they wouldnât be. These people arenât Obama appointees, they are scientific appointees.â Pruittâs decision, the Guardian adds, paves the way for the Trump administration âto refashion the scientific board in line with its industry-friendly agenda that has sought to strip away various pollution rules.â IN RELATED NEWS... Okay, so if weâre all going to be living in Mad Max: Fury Road, we call dibs on being Furiosa! We can totes pull off that look! Oh, and weâre currently taking applications for whoever wants to be our Mad Max. Interested parties should send their sultriest pics (shirts optional), and include a list of ways to make martinis despite the various... challenges of surviving Future Earthâs desiccated hellscape.
TUESDAY, MAY 9
Now letâs take a moment to remember Earthâs wondrous past, when a single crisis could last weeks, months, or even years! In Trumpâs America, of course, crises happen every hour on the hour... which means itâs juuuust about time forâah! Right on time! ââYou are hereby terminated,ââ the BBC writes. âWith those words, Donald Trump became only the second president to fire his FBI director.â Yes, dears: Today, Trump fired James B. Comeyâand, as the BBC notes, he had a slew of reasons why... and none made any sense. Trump initially blamed Comey for his poor handling of Hillary Clintonâs private emails (which doesnât make sense, given that Comeyâs investigation cost her the election). Then he said it was because Comey was doing a bad job (which doesnât make sense, considering acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe told the Senate the âvast majorityâ of FBI employees âenjoyed a deep and positive connection to Director Comeyâ). Thereâs also the suggestion Trump was jealous of Comey (ââHeâs become more famous than me!â Mr. Trump said of Mr. Comey at a January meeting, sending an air-kiss his way,â the BBC points out), or the fact numerous sources have claimed Comey refused to promise Trump his âloyaltyââwhich, as the BBC adds, is âone of Mr. Trumpâs most prized qualities.â So! What is the answer? Why would Trump ever do something as drastic as fireâoh. Oh, there it is.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 10
âDays before he was fired as FBI director, James B. Comey asked the Justice Department for more prosecutors and other personnel to accelerate the bureauâs investigation into Russiaâs interference in the presidential election,â reports the New York Times. Oh. Okay. That makes sense. Letâs move on....
THURSDAY, MAY 11
...to White House PANIC MODE! So not only did President Trumpâs sudden decision to impede the Russia investigation fire FBI Director Comey shock the nation, it also threw his staff into confused turmoil. Soon after the announcement, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was spotted hiding behind some bushes to confer in private with co-workers. (He later made the Washington Post clarify their reporting, insisting he was not âinâ the bushes, but rather âamong the bushes.â Ahhhhh. Gotcha.) Meanwhile, counselor Kellyanne Conway told CNN that Comeyâs firing had nothing to do with Clintonâs emails, but rather his performance since thenâand positively not because of the âRussia, Russia, Russiaâ thing. AND YET? Fast forward to Trumpâs interview today with NBC News in which he said that it was his idea all along to fire Comey, and âin fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, âYou know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, itâs an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they shouldâve won.ââ That sound you hear are the jaws of Trumpâs stunned staff members crashing to the floor. The second sound you hear is the crushing of bones as Trumpâs staff is being thrown underneath the bus. So all in all? Pretty good day!
FRIDAY, MAY 12
So. President Trump admits, as clearly as possible, that among other reasons, FBI Director Comey was fired because he didnât appreciate being investigated over his alleged ties to Russia. But there was the loyalty concern as well. According to the Washington Post, Trump was growing increasingly agitated with Comey for refusing to make the FBI investigation go away or back up Trumpâs utterly false claim that former President Obama had wiretapped his campaign offices. Comey also reportedly prioritized the Trump/Russia investigation instead of looking into the various White House info leaks, which made the president FAH-UR-IOUS. And perhaps most damning of all, Comey refused to give his loyalty to Trump when asked directly by the president during a dinner conversation. THAT BEING SAID... Today Trump chose to make his terrible situation even more terrible by tweeting out the following: âJames Comey better hope that there are no âtapesâ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!â Wait... he has tapes? Secret tapes of all his Oval Office conversations, which naturally reminds us of a certain president who, after his tapes were exposed, resigned in disgrace? Those kind of secret tapes? âThat I canât talk about. I wonât talk about it,â Trump sputtered to Fox News after his stupid, junior varsity gaffe. Uh-huh. Anyway, another pretty good day! IN RELATED NEWS... Will the firing of Comey be the straw that broke the Senateâs back, and inspire them to start impeachment proceedings? Wellllll... probably not. So what will be the one thing that Trump does to push America over the edge? How about this from Trumpâs interview with Time magazine, in which he admits that during dinners with White House staff, he gets two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cream pie... while everyone else at the table only gets one. IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
SATURDAY, MAY 13
Can we please stop talking about all this political nonsense for two seconds, so we can get a quick dose of âhornyâ? YES, PLEASE. Oh-so-juicy rumors have been flying over the alleged unconfirmed romantic relationship between Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxxâa pairing that has inspired more than one marathon masturbation sesh. And now we have further proof of the pairâs canoodling! Katie and Jamie were recently spotted together in the city of loveâParis, France! OH DO TELL, INSIDE SOURCE! âJamie wrapped filming on Robin Hood, and Katie flew in to Paris to meet him for a few days,â the source told E! News. But wait... it gets even hotter! â[Former hubby] Tom Cruise was filming Mission Impossible 6 only a few blocks away,â the source maliciously continued, âbut Katie and Jamie stayed inside their hotel... and didnât leave.â Phew! Is it getting hot in here, or is that just the fire in our nethers? Be back in a jiff!
SUNDAY, MAY 14
Ahhhh, thatâs better. Back to politics, we guess. So! How do you think Russian President Vladimir Putin is feeling about the current Comey drama? According to several experts in the national security field, pretty freaking awesome, dude! While Russia may have started out hoping to obtain Trump as an asset and push him into office with some electoral meddling, the real payday for them is successfully advancing its âlongstanding desire to undermine the US-led liberal democratic order,â according to a declassified report written by our own spy agencies. And now that Comey has been fired and the Trump/Russia investigation is stalling, â[Putin feels] pretty good overall because thatâs a further sign that our political system is in a real crisis,â says former top State Department official and Russian expert, Eugene Rumer. Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper Jr. went even further, saying, âThe Russians have to be celebrating [their] success.... The first objective was to sow discord and dissension, which they certainly did.â And this is exactly why Trump and his stooges must be held accountable for their actions, because if Russia can cause a shit-storm within the bedrock of American democracy... just think of the damage they could cause between Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes. And such an assault on our horniness shall... not... stand!