DONALD TRUMP Just another busy day of betrayin'! Mark Wilson / Getty

MONDAY, MAY 15

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Please, join us as we lean back in our lawn chair, knock back a martini (or two, or 30), and watch the American experiment explode into a million shards of poisonous shrapnel. Sooooooo... what’d the traitorous dumbshit who colluded with Russians to steal the White House do now? We’re sure it can’t be that bad, right? “President Trump boasted about highly classified intelligence in a meeting with the Russian foreign minister and ambassador last week, providing details that could expose the source of the information and the manner in which it was collected,” reports the New York Times. Ohhhh. That is that bad—right? “You might have to work with natsec people to understand how bad it is, but it’s horrible. Really really bad,” tweeted national security law expert and Brookings Institution fellow Benjamin Wittes. So... yeah. Pretty bad. AND YET... Trump getting verbal diarrhea in front of his Russian BFFs isn’t even the stupidest thing he’s said recently. “President Trump reportedly eschews exercise because he believes it drains the body’s ‘finite’ energy resources, but experts say this argument is flawed because the human body actually becomes stronger with exercise,” reports the Washington Post, adding that Trump gave up athletics after college because he “believed the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted.” The Post talked to sports medicine expert Michael Jonesco at Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center about all this battery business, and his response could barely be heard over the rolling of his eyes. “If we can create a battery that, every time it’s used, actually becomes more powerful and efficient, then sure, our body is like that battery,” Jonesco said. But Trump! Don’t listen to that “medical expert”! Instead: NEVER MOVE AGAIN, LEST YOU DRAIN YOUR PRECIOUS, IRREPLACEABLE LIFEFORCE. Just sit at your desk and hit your Coke delivery button and gum at your McDonald’s! Hold still. Don’t even talk! Even when you talk, it all comes from your lifeforce. Just hold perfectly still and never do or say anything ever again. Really, that’s the best kind of healthcare.


TUESDAY, MAY 16

“This is a woman, by the way, who came on our show during the campaign and would shill for Trump in extensive fashion, and then she would get off the air, the camera would be turned off, the microphone would be taken off and she would say, ‘Blech. I need to take a shower,’” Mika Brzezinski said today on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. “Because she disliked her candidate so much.” Brzezinski was speaking of course, of Kellyanne Conway, who’s carved out a horrible little life for herself by vomiting out Trump’s noxious propaganda to gullible red-staters who.... WAIT! THIS JUST IN! Speaking of desiccated ghouls, “Archaeological workers in Egypt unearthed an ancient human burial site with at least 17 intact mummies,” reports the NY Times! The site, which may hold even more mummies, is “the first human necropolis found in central Egypt with so many mummies,” according to Egyptologist Salah al-Kholi. Scientists everywhere rushed to Egypt to.... WAIT! THIS JUST IN! “Your corrupt world will soon know my wrath—and the wrath of my undead, bloodthirsty servants,” wheezed High Priest Imhotep, his bone-scraping voice the sound of death and decay as it escaped his wizened flesh, and as tears of black-red ichor seeped from the empty hollows of his time-rotted skull. “First shall come the plagues and locusts, and then shall come the storms and the slaughters. By disturbing my final rest, you have doomed your world to a slow, screaming death where hope shall perish and... and... oh! I see Trump’s already got this started! Ha, never mind! Back to naptime for me!”


WEDNESDAY, MAY 17

“Disney’s upcoming Johnny Depp film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales has been pilfered by ransom hackers seeking payment from the studio,” reports Deadline. “The hackers said they would release bits of the film—in increments—if their demands weren’t met.” Congrats, real-life pirates, on stealing a movie about make-believe pirates! Maybe next time, steal something people will actually want to pay money for.


THURSDAY, MAY 18

So how does President Trump feel about there being a special counsel—and a good one at that—being assigned to investigate alleged collusion between his administration and the Russian government? Well, only one way to find out! Let’s check in on his Twitter account! “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” Oh, really? Let’s deep dive into this statement, shall we, dears? If it were an actual “witch hunt,” we agree that it’s the “greatest”—as in “best ever.” But he probably means “the biggest,” right? That being said, his “witch hunt” is nowhere near the “biggest,” seeing as how the Salem witch trials accused more than 200 people of practicing witchcraft, and executed 20 of them. Sorry, Donald! Just like Obama’s inauguration, the Salem witch trials were bigger. Secondly, actual witch hunts were perpetrated against women—often women of color, of a different class, or just acting “uppity.” Thirdly, these women were all categorically innocent—and the court eventually apologized to the murdered victims’ families. The full scope of Trump’s guilt remains to be seen, but there’s certainly enough—and probably more than enough—evidence to warrant an investigation. So if he wants to be real about it, why not call it a “possible traitor hunt” instead?


FRIDAY, MAY 19

Is it possible to drive nails into one’s own coffin? Because that is exactly what Trump continues to do. The NY Times reported today that during the same meeting he leaked classified information to the Russians, he also stupidly bragged, “I just fired the head of the FBI [James Comey]. He was crazy, a real nut job. I faced real pressure because of Russia. That’s taken off.” It’s starting to sound like he’s witch hunting himself! BUT SPEAKING OF COMEY... According to another article from the NY Times, the former FBI director noted he had a tough time keeping the president at arm’s length in order to maintain a professional relationship—and one such instance was particularly hilarious. During a Trump-led ceremony to honor law enforcement, Comey (who is 6 feet, 8 inches tall, BTW) was wearing a dark blue suit, and later told others that he’d tried to blend in with the dark blue curtains in the background so he wouldn’t be called upon by the president. (Wow! Comey has mad spy game!) It didn’t work, unfortunately, as Trump pointed Comey out, proclaiming the FBI director had “become more famous than me,” before giving him a big Trump hug. Brrrrrr.... (Are you telling us that it’s 2017 and the FBI still hasn’t developed business wear stealth mode?)


SATURDAY, MAY 20

Now, how about some juicy gossip that will be of particular interest to our Hubby Kip? Page Six is reporting that following her guest appearance on Saturday Night Live, Hollyweird hottie Scarlett Johansson was spotted with Weekend Update host Colin Jost “flirting and canoodling in full view at the after party,” according to someone who witnessed the canoodle. But it gets better! According to another snoopy source, the pair were also “making out!” Said the spy, “They were at the bar in front of everyone... they made out at least twice.” The first source added, “They were laughing and really seemed to hit it off.” And now for his reaction, let’s go to ScarJo fan #1, Hubby Kip, who... oh wait. He can’t talk right now, he’s too busy sobbing into the couch cushion. (Heh, heh, hehhhhhhh....)


SUNDAY, MAY 21

Let’s end this crazy week on a bright note, shall we? We all remember smirking white nationalist Richard Spencer, yes? The one who was Nazi-punched on Inauguration Day? Ah, yes. Good times. Well, the good times got better this week when Spencer, who was working out at an Alexandria gym, was confronted by Georgetown professor C. Christine Fair... who didn’t punch him. But! She did rip him a nice, large new one. “Not only are you a Nazi,” she yelled at him in the crowded gym, “you are a cowardly Nazi. I’m sick of your crap... I find your presence in this gym to be unacceptable, your presence in this town to be unacceptable.” Soon after slinking away to whatever hole he crawled out of, Spencer discovered his gym membership was revoked. Not quite as sweet as a punch, yes... but just think! Now that Spencer is gym-less, he’ll be flabbier and easier to punch than ever!