MONDAY, MAY 15
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Please, join us as we lean back in our lawn chair, knock back a martini (or two, or 30), and watch the American experiment explode into a million shards of poisonous shrapnel. Sooooooo... whatâd the traitorous dumbshit who colluded with Russians to steal the White House do now? Weâre sure it canât be that bad, right? âPresident Trump boasted about highly classified intelligence in a meeting with the Russian foreign minister and ambassador last week, providing details that could expose the source of the information and the manner in which it was collected,â reports the New York Times. Ohhhh. That is that badâright? âYou might have to work with natsec people to understand how bad it is, but itâs horrible. Really really bad,â tweeted national security law expert and Brookings Institution fellow Benjamin Wittes. So... yeah. Pretty bad. AND YET... Trump getting verbal diarrhea in front of his Russian BFFs isnât even the stupidest thing heâs said recently. âPresident Trump reportedly eschews exercise because he believes it drains the bodyâs âfiniteâ energy resources, but experts say this argument is flawed because the human body actually becomes stronger with exercise,â reports the Washington Post, adding that Trump gave up athletics after college because he âbelieved the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted.â The Post talked to sports medicine expert Michael Jonesco at Ohio State Universityâs Wexner Medical Center about all this battery business, and his response could barely be heard over the rolling of his eyes. âIf we can create a battery that, every time itâs used, actually becomes more powerful and efficient, then sure, our body is like that battery,â Jonesco said. But Trump! Donât listen to that âmedical expertâ! Instead: NEVER MOVE AGAIN, LEST YOU DRAIN YOUR PRECIOUS, IRREPLACEABLE LIFEFORCE. Just sit at your desk and hit your Coke delivery button and gum at your McDonaldâs! Hold still. Donât even talk! Even when you talk, it all comes from your lifeforce. Just hold perfectly still and never do or say anything ever again. Really, thatâs the best kind of healthcare.
TUESDAY, MAY 16
âThis is a woman, by the way, who came on our show during the campaign and would shill for Trump in extensive fashion, and then she would get off the air, the camera would be turned off, the microphone would be taken off and she would say, âBlech. I need to take a shower,ââ Mika Brzezinski said today on MSNBCâs Morning Joe. âBecause she disliked her candidate so much.â Brzezinski was speaking of course, of Kellyanne Conway, whoâs carved out a horrible little life for herself by vomiting out Trumpâs noxious propaganda to gullible red-staters who.... WAIT! THIS JUST IN! Speaking of desiccated ghouls, âArchaeological workers in Egypt unearthed an ancient human burial site with at least 17 intact mummies,â reports the NY Times! The site, which may hold even more mummies, is âthe first human necropolis found in central Egypt with so many mummies,â according to Egyptologist Salah al-Kholi. Scientists everywhere rushed to Egypt to.... WAIT! THIS JUST IN! âYour corrupt world will soon know my wrathâand the wrath of my undead, bloodthirsty servants,â wheezed High Priest Imhotep, his bone-scraping voice the sound of death and decay as it escaped his wizened flesh, and as tears of black-red ichor seeped from the empty hollows of his time-rotted skull. âFirst shall come the plagues and locusts, and then shall come the storms and the slaughters. By disturbing my final rest, you have doomed your world to a slow, screaming death where hope shall perish and... and... oh! I see Trumpâs already got this started! Ha, never mind! Back to naptime for me!â
WEDNESDAY, MAY 17
âDisneyâs upcoming Johnny Depp film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales has been pilfered by ransom hackers seeking payment from the studio,â reports Deadline. âThe hackers said they would release bits of the filmâin incrementsâif their demands werenât met.â Congrats, real-life pirates, on stealing a movie about make-believe pirates! Maybe next time, steal something people will actually want to pay money for.
THURSDAY, MAY 18
So how does President Trump feel about there being a special counselâand a good one at thatâbeing assigned to investigate alleged collusion between his administration and the Russian government? Well, only one way to find out! Letâs check in on his Twitter account! âThis is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!â Oh, really? Letâs deep dive into this statement, shall we, dears? If it were an actual âwitch hunt,â we agree that itâs the âgreatestââas in âbest ever.â But he probably means âthe biggest,â right? That being said, his âwitch huntâ is nowhere near the âbiggest,â seeing as how the Salem witch trials accused more than 200 people of practicing witchcraft, and executed 20 of them. Sorry, Donald! Just like Obamaâs inauguration, the Salem witch trials were bigger. Secondly, actual witch hunts were perpetrated against womenâoften women of color, of a different class, or just acting âuppity.â Thirdly, these women were all categorically innocentâand the court eventually apologized to the murdered victimsâ families. The full scope of Trumpâs guilt remains to be seen, but thereâs certainly enoughâand probably more than enoughâevidence to warrant an investigation. So if he wants to be real about it, why not call it a âpossible traitor huntâ instead?
FRIDAY, MAY 19
Is it possible to drive nails into oneâs own coffin? Because that is exactly what Trump continues to do. The NY Times reported today that during the same meeting he leaked classified information to the Russians, he also stupidly bragged, âI just fired the head of the FBI [James Comey]. He was crazy, a real nut job. I faced real pressure because of Russia. Thatâs taken off.â Itâs starting to sound like heâs witch hunting himself! BUT SPEAKING OF COMEY... According to another article from the NY Times, the former FBI director noted he had a tough time keeping the president at armâs length in order to maintain a professional relationshipâand one such instance was particularly hilarious. During a Trump-led ceremony to honor law enforcement, Comey (who is 6 feet, 8 inches tall, BTW) was wearing a dark blue suit, and later told others that heâd tried to blend in with the dark blue curtains in the background so he wouldnât be called upon by the president. (Wow! Comey has mad spy game!) It didnât work, unfortunately, as Trump pointed Comey out, proclaiming the FBI director had âbecome more famous than me,â before giving him a big Trump hug. Brrrrrr.... (Are you telling us that itâs 2017 and the FBI still hasnât developed business wear stealth mode?)
SATURDAY, MAY 20
Now, how about some juicy gossip that will be of particular interest to our Hubby Kip? Page Six is reporting that following her guest appearance on Saturday Night Live, Hollyweird hottie Scarlett Johansson was spotted with Weekend Update host Colin Jost âflirting and canoodling in full view at the after party,â according to someone who witnessed the canoodle. But it gets better! According to another snoopy source, the pair were also âmaking out!â Said the spy, âThey were at the bar in front of everyone... they made out at least twice.â The first source added, âThey were laughing and really seemed to hit it off.â And now for his reaction, letâs go to ScarJo fan #1, Hubby Kip, who... oh wait. He canât talk right now, heâs too busy sobbing into the couch cushion. (Heh, heh, hehhhhhhh....)
SUNDAY, MAY 21
Letâs end this crazy week on a bright note, shall we? We all remember smirking white nationalist Richard Spencer, yes? The one who was Nazi-punched on Inauguration Day? Ah, yes. Good times. Well, the good times got better this week when Spencer, who was working out at an Alexandria gym, was confronted by Georgetown professor C. Christine Fair... who didnât punch him. But! She did rip him a nice, large new one. âNot only are you a Nazi,â she yelled at him in the crowded gym, âyou are a cowardly Nazi. Iâm sick of your crap... I find your presence in this gym to be unacceptable, your presence in this town to be unacceptable.â Soon after slinking away to whatever hole he crawled out of, Spencer discovered his gym membership was revoked. Not quite as sweet as a punch, yes... but just think! Now that Spencer is gym-less, heâll be flabbier and easier to punch than ever!