BILLY BUSH "I'm back, if you'll have me!" WE WON'T. Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images for SiriusXM

MONDAY, MAY 22

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we’re asking what we always ask: “Where’s Buffy when we need her?” ’Cause... um... a HELLMOUTH JUST OPENED. And it opened right in front of Donald Trump’s garish Florida resort, Mar-a-Lago! “The town of Palm Beach issued a travel alert on Monday as a result of the sinkhole,” reports Time. By the Mercury’s deadline, Time had yet to determine the exact number of vampires, demons, zombies, werewolves, hyena people, and tentacle monsters that had crawled, flown, lurched, leapt, cackled, and oozed out of the Hellmouth. Maybe the number of escaping hellspawn was 2,864,974? No... wait... that’s not right! 2,864,974 is the number of votes Donald Trump needed to win the popular vote. Silly us! We’re always getting those confused. MEANWHILE... Billy Bush, the former Today show host who loved to chat with his ol’ buddy Donny about grabbing women by the pussy, is planning a comeback! “I plan to return to the job that I love,” the cowardly, oblivious Bush simpered to the Hollywood Reporter. “Looking back upon what was said on that bus, I wish I had changed the topic,” Bush added. “I wish I had said: ‘Does anyone want water?’ or ‘It looks like it’s gonna rain.’” Alternately, you spineless moron, you could have said, “Hey, what if we don’t sexually assault women?” Or, Billy, here’s something you can say right now: “AAAAAUUUUUUGGUUHHEEEEEE!!!” (That’s the sound monsters make when Buffy kicks them back into the Hellmouth.)


TUESDAY, MAY 23

This week Donald Trump met with the Pope at the Vatican, where the two discussed best practices for Hellmouths and how to preside over corrupt institutions that exploit and abuse the innocent. Everyone in Trump’s entourage came along: brainwashed Melania, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, national security advisor H.R. McMaster, and even non-Catholic Jewish power couple Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Yep, that’s just about everyone... except for press secretary Sean Spicer—a Catholic “who was reportedly excited to meet with Pope Francis,” notes the Washington Post! “Wow,” a White House source told CNN of Spicer’s snub. “That’s all he wanted.” “This seems needlessly harsh—when else is Spicer likely to meet the Pope, and it mattered to him?” tweeted New York Times White House correspondent Maggie Haberman. “Trump is a cruel boss,” noted Jeet Heer, senior editor at the New Republic, adding Trump “didn’t let Sean Spicer meet the Pope out of sheer meanness.” And there you have it, dears: The only time anyone is ever going to feel bad for Li’l Spicey. MEANWHILE, IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE... “It’s okay, guys!” said Li’l Spicey, spitting out a clump of dogwood leaves and scratching his tummy where he’d rolled in poison ivy. “It’s okay they didn’t take me! I’m a big boy and I’m fine on my own!” Li’l Spicey then tripped over a branch, got bit by a spider, cried for 20 minutes, and only settled down when Paul Ryan carried him inside and got him some ice cream.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 24

But enough about Trump’s cruel, dysfunctional White House! Let’s see how the rest of the Republicans are doing! Today in Bozeman, Greg Gianforte—Montana’s GOP candidate for the House of Representatives—was asked a question by Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs. What happened next was so insane that even reporters from Fox News—Fox News—couldn’t believe what they were seeing! “Gianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him,” wrote Fox’s Alicia Acuna, who was in the room with field producer Faith Mangan and photographer Keith Railey. “Faith, Keith, and I watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the reporter. As Gianforte moved on top of Jacobs, he began yelling something to the effect of, ‘I’m sick and tired of this!’” MEANWHILE... “Wow, I sure am glad I don’t live in Bozeman, Montana,” said literally everyone on the planet not currently living in Bozeman, Montana. “But on the upside, at least there’s no chance this Gianforte prick actually becomes a member of the House of Representatives, right? Right?


THURSDAY, MAY 25

“Greg Gianforte, Montana Republican, Captures House Seat Despite Assault Charge” reads the headline from an obviously incredulous New York Times, who should’ve added, “Because Nothing Makes Any Fucking Sense Anymore.” On the upside (there’s not one), Gianforte apologized to the reporter he attacked in front of a room full of supporters tonight. “You deserve a congressman who stays out of the limelight and just gets the job done,” he told the cheering group, who repeatedly yelled out that they “forgive him.” Grrrrrrrrrr.... BUT IN A RELATED STORY... Oh, what’s this? Gianforte has financial ties to a number of Russian companies, reports the Guardian, who states his investments in these corporations—some of which have been sanctioned by the US government—total just under $250,000. Nice job, Montana voters! If Gianforte can’t get around to body-slamming you, maybe Vladimir Putin can find the time. ALSO RELATED... Finally, some god-damned good news! “Jared Kushner Now a Focus in Russia Investigation” reports the Washington Post. Yessssssssssss! According to sources close to the subject, the FBI is investigating the smirking, frat-boy son-in-law of the president “because of the extent and nature of his interactions with the Russians.” Yessssssssssss! Apparently he held many long private meetings with the Russian ambassador as well the head of Russia’s state-owned bank—and yet? Somehow Kushner forgot to mention those meetings when applying for his White House security clearance! “Look, I’m not gonna stand for this,” yelled Jared Fogle, former Subway spokesperson who’s now serving 15 years in prison for possessing child pornography and having sex with a minor. “I’M THE WORST JARED, okay? Why does every single Jared in the world think he can take my spot? (Sob!)”


FRIDAY, MAY 26

Portland days don’t get more terrible than this: Two men were murdered and another was injured today on a MAX train as they stood up to defend two women (both Black, one a Muslim) from the hate speech of a known racist white supremacist. You can get all the sad details in this week’s news section (pg. 7), but we just want to take a moment to say one thing: Decent white people of Portland continue to be horrified by this attack, as we should be—but we also have to be careful not to let ourselves off the hook. Such a despicable action can tempt us to make excuses for our own behavior by saying, “At least I’m not as bad as that fuckhead” (who shall remain nameless, because fuck that fuckhead forever). But there’s no getting around the facts: Portland’s treatment of POC has a long, ugly history, and our enthusiasm for justice simply isn’t enough to make that go away—or counteract the systemic racism that still lives in our bones. As much as we might want to defend ourselves from accusations that we’re still part of the problem, it is sincerely time for us to just shut up and listen. We white people have been expressing our views for hundreds of years—now let’s shut up and listen. Got an opinion on how to improve race relations in Portland? Cool. If you’re white, shut up and listen. Feel the need to jump into a comment section and argue about what equality actually means? Yeah... don’t. Shut up and listen. Two heroes gave their lives today to stop a murderous fuckhead intent on attacking people of color—so don’t dishonor them. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen.


SATURDAY, MAY 27

And now we have even more information on the FBI’s continued investigation of Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner. Not only did the power-hungry Ken doll allegedly chat with Russian emissaries and not admit to it in his White House security clearance application, it’s now being reported that Jared secretly tried to establish “back channel communications” with the Russian government... before Trump took office. Two major no-no’s about that: While it’s no biggie for a sitting president to establish a secret communication channel with another country to assist in diplomacy, this went down nearly two months before inauguration day. Second no-no: What would Kushner and Trump possibly need to chitty-chat with Russians about that they couldn’t say in front of US officials? “I think the answer’s pretty obvious,” said Subway’s former spokesperson Jared Fogle, currently sitting behind bars. “From one evil Jared to another.... Dude? You’re fuuuuucked.”


SUNDAY, MAY 28

Reminder: Shut up and listen.