MONDAY, MAY 22
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where weâre asking what we always ask: âWhereâs Buffy when we need her?â âCause... um... a HELLMOUTH JUST OPENED. And it opened right in front of Donald Trumpâs garish Florida resort, Mar-a-Lago! âThe town of Palm Beach issued a travel alert on Monday as a result of the sinkhole,â reports Time. By the Mercuryâs deadline, Time had yet to determine the exact number of vampires, demons, zombies, werewolves, hyena people, and tentacle monsters that had crawled, flown, lurched, leapt, cackled, and oozed out of the Hellmouth. Maybe the number of escaping hellspawn was 2,864,974? No... wait... thatâs not right! 2,864,974 is the number of votes Donald Trump needed to win the popular vote. Silly us! Weâre always getting those confused. MEANWHILE... Billy Bush, the former Today show host who loved to chat with his olâ buddy Donny about grabbing women by the pussy, is planning a comeback! âI plan to return to the job that I love,â the cowardly, oblivious Bush simpered to the Hollywood Reporter. âLooking back upon what was said on that bus, I wish I had changed the topic,â Bush added. âI wish I had said: âDoes anyone want water?â or âIt looks like itâs gonna rain.ââ Alternately, you spineless moron, you could have said, âHey, what if we donât sexually assault women?â Or, Billy, hereâs something you can say right now: âAAAAAUUUUUUGGUUHHEEEEEE!!!â (Thatâs the sound monsters make when Buffy kicks them back into the Hellmouth.)
TUESDAY, MAY 23
This week Donald Trump met with the Pope at the Vatican, where the two discussed best practices for Hellmouths and how to preside over corrupt institutions that exploit and abuse the innocent. Everyone in Trumpâs entourage came along: brainwashed Melania, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, national security advisor H.R. McMaster, and even non-Catholic Jewish power couple Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Yep, thatâs just about everyone... except for press secretary Sean Spicerâa Catholic âwho was reportedly excited to meet with Pope Francis,â notes the Washington Post! âWow,â a White House source told CNN of Spicerâs snub. âThatâs all he wanted.â âThis seems needlessly harshâwhen else is Spicer likely to meet the Pope, and it mattered to him?â tweeted New York Times White House correspondent Maggie Haberman. âTrump is a cruel boss,â noted Jeet Heer, senior editor at the New Republic, adding Trump âdidnât let Sean Spicer meet the Pope out of sheer meanness.â And there you have it, dears: The only time anyone is ever going to feel bad for Liâl Spicey. MEANWHILE, IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE... âItâs okay, guys!â said Liâl Spicey, spitting out a clump of dogwood leaves and scratching his tummy where heâd rolled in poison ivy. âItâs okay they didnât take me! Iâm a big boy and Iâm fine on my own!â Liâl Spicey then tripped over a branch, got bit by a spider, cried for 20 minutes, and only settled down when Paul Ryan carried him inside and got him some ice cream.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 24
But enough about Trumpâs cruel, dysfunctional White House! Letâs see how the rest of the Republicans are doing! Today in Bozeman, Greg GianforteâMontanaâs GOP candidate for the House of Representativesâwas asked a question by Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs. What happened next was so insane that even reporters from Fox NewsâFox Newsâcouldnât believe what they were seeing! âGianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him,â wrote Foxâs Alicia Acuna, who was in the room with field producer Faith Mangan and photographer Keith Railey. âFaith, Keith, and I watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the reporter. As Gianforte moved on top of Jacobs, he began yelling something to the effect of, âIâm sick and tired of this!ââ MEANWHILE... âWow, I sure am glad I donât live in Bozeman, Montana,â said literally everyone on the planet not currently living in Bozeman, Montana. âBut on the upside, at least thereâs no chance this Gianforte prick actually becomes a member of the House of Representatives, right? Right?
THURSDAY, MAY 25
âGreg Gianforte, Montana Republican, Captures House Seat Despite Assault Chargeâ reads the headline from an obviously incredulous New York Times, who shouldâve added, âBecause Nothing Makes Any Fucking Sense Anymore.â On the upside (thereâs not one), Gianforte apologized to the reporter he attacked in front of a room full of supporters tonight. âYou deserve a congressman who stays out of the limelight and just gets the job done,â he told the cheering group, who repeatedly yelled out that they âforgive him.â Grrrrrrrrrr.... BUT IN A RELATED STORY... Oh, whatâs this? Gianforte has financial ties to a number of Russian companies, reports the Guardian, who states his investments in these corporationsâsome of which have been sanctioned by the US governmentâtotal just under $250,000. Nice job, Montana voters! If Gianforte canât get around to body-slamming you, maybe Vladimir Putin can find the time. ALSO RELATED... Finally, some god-damned good news! âJared Kushner Now a Focus in Russia Investigationâ reports the Washington Post. Yessssssssssss! According to sources close to the subject, the FBI is investigating the smirking, frat-boy son-in-law of the president âbecause of the extent and nature of his interactions with the Russians.â Yessssssssssss! Apparently he held many long private meetings with the Russian ambassador as well the head of Russiaâs state-owned bankâand yet? Somehow Kushner forgot to mention those meetings when applying for his White House security clearance! âLook, Iâm not gonna stand for this,â yelled Jared Fogle, former Subway spokesperson whoâs now serving 15 years in prison for possessing child pornography and having sex with a minor. âIâM THE WORST JARED, okay? Why does every single Jared in the world think he can take my spot? (Sob!)â
FRIDAY, MAY 26
Portland days donât get more terrible than this: Two men were murdered and another was injured today on a MAX train as they stood up to defend two women (both Black, one a Muslim) from the hate speech of a known racist white supremacist. You can get all the sad details in this weekâs news section (pg. 7), but we just want to take a moment to say one thing: Decent white people of Portland continue to be horrified by this attack, as we should beâbut we also have to be careful not to let ourselves off the hook. Such a despicable action can tempt us to make excuses for our own behavior by saying, âAt least Iâm not as bad as that fuckheadâ (who shall remain nameless, because fuck that fuckhead forever). But thereâs no getting around the facts: Portlandâs treatment of POC has a long, ugly history, and our enthusiasm for justice simply isnât enough to make that go awayâor counteract the systemic racism that still lives in our bones. As much as we might want to defend ourselves from accusations that weâre still part of the problem, it is sincerely time for us to just shut up and listen. We white people have been expressing our views for hundreds of yearsânow letâs shut up and listen. Got an opinion on how to improve race relations in Portland? Cool. If youâre white, shut up and listen. Feel the need to jump into a comment section and argue about what equality actually means? Yeah... donât. Shut up and listen. Two heroes gave their lives today to stop a murderous fuckhead intent on attacking people of colorâso donât dishonor them. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen.
SATURDAY, MAY 27
And now we have even more information on the FBIâs continued investigation of Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner. Not only did the power-hungry Ken doll allegedly chat with Russian emissaries and not admit to it in his White House security clearance application, itâs now being reported that Jared secretly tried to establish âback channel communicationsâ with the Russian government... before Trump took office. Two major no-noâs about that: While itâs no biggie for a sitting president to establish a secret communication channel with another country to assist in diplomacy, this went down nearly two months before inauguration day. Second no-no: What would Kushner and Trump possibly need to chitty-chat with Russians about that they couldnât say in front of US officials? âI think the answerâs pretty obvious,â said Subwayâs former spokesperson Jared Fogle, currently sitting behind bars. âFrom one evil Jared to another.... Dude? Youâre fuuuuucked.â
SUNDAY, MAY 28
Reminder: Shut up and listen.