JARED KUSHNER White male tear receptacle. POOL / GETTY IMAGES

MONDAY, MAY 29

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we grow strong by drinking the tears of whimpering men. And this week’s whimpering men are weeping up a flood! The mighty deluge was brought about by news that the Alamo Drafthouse theater in Austin, Texas, is “embracing our girl power and saying ‘No Guys Allowed’” for a screening of Wonder Woman open only to those who identify as women. “And when we say ‘People Who Identify as Women Only,’ we mean it,” the theater added. “Everyone working at this screening—venue staff, projectionist, and culinary team—will be female.” Cue the sweaty hordes of neckbearded, Cheeto-dusted man-children! “Great, let us know when you have guys-only screenings of Thor, Spider-Man, Star Wars, etc. Let’s see you walk the walk now that you set this precedence,” wrote one outraged Facebook misogynist, who, as Lorena O’Neil at the Hollywood Reporter pointed out, “meant to say ‘precedent.’” But the true heroes might be the theater’s social media team, who took it upon themselves to reply to the crybaby dipshits. “When one man asked if they had ever held a men-only screening,” wrote O’Neil, “the Drafthouse said, ‘We’ve never done showings where you had to be a man to get in, but we *did* show the Entourage movie a few years ago.” Snap, Drafthouse, and one for Wonder Woman! We’ll also take a small popcorn and your largest goblet of male tears. MEANWHILE... As reported last week, Trump’s favorite lickspittle lackey, Jared Kushner, is under investigation for allegedly attempting to set up “a direct line to President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia—a search that in mid-December found him in a room with a Russian banker whose financial institution was deeply intertwined with Russian intelligence,” notes the New York Times. TBH, dears, we’re still caught off guard by this one. Sure, we expected corruption and ineptitude from Trump, but his precious widdle son-in-law being this stupid is... actually kind of impressive? We bet he’s crying up a storm right now, and we bet Ivanka is just coldly staring at him until he stops. Ivanka! Catch a couple of his tears! We need a refill!


TUESDAY, MAY 30

Things are not great right now—which makes it pretty goddamn nice when good things happen. And so: “Ariana Grande is to perform a benefit concert for victims of the Manchester bombing on Sunday, with a stellar lineup including Justin Bieber, Coldplay, Katy Perry, and Miley Cyrus,” reports the Guardian. The benefit—which will also feature Pharrell Williams, Take That, Usher, and Niall Horan—follows the horrific bombing at Grande’s Manchester Arena show that killed 22 and injured 116. “We will not quit or operate in fear. We won’t let this divide us. We won’t let hate win,” Grande said. “Our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.” We don’t have any jokes or snark, dears. This is just a good thing that’s happening after a bad thing that happened, and sometimes, that’s enough.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 31

“Mr. Trump was expected to withdraw the United States from the 2015 climate change accord,” reports the New York Times, citing “three administration officials with knowledge of the intense White House debate.” Given Trump’s belligerent attacks on just about everything, it’s easy (and important) to pay attention to Republicans’ daily abuses of power. But just as important—if not more so—is looking at the big picture stuff. The kind of stuff that won’t just affect us for the next four years, but the next 4,000. And this? This is that kind of stuff. “The actions of the United States are bound to have a ripple effect in other emerging economies that are just getting serious about climate change, such as India, the Philippines, Malaysia and Indonesia,” said Michael Oppenheimer—a member of the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, and a Princeton professor of geosciences and international affairs—to the New York Times. As a result of America pulling out of the Paris agreement, “We will see more extreme heat, damaging storms, coastal flooding, and risks to food security,” Oppenheimer continued. “And that’s not the kind of world we want to live in.” MEANWHILE... “Speak for yourself, weakling!” garbled Mujdokk the Cruel, the future Crimelord of the Drowned American Wasteland. “Sure, so maybe Trump was the one who boiled our oceans and desecrated our land. But this has worked out pretty well for me! So, you know. Think about that.”


THURSDAY, JUNE 1

Aaaand as expected, Trump pulled out of the Paris climate agreement. His reasoning? “I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh,” the president said, “not Paris.” Well, as it turns out, Pittsburgh is siding with Paris. “Fact: Hillary Clinton received 80 percent of the vote in Pittsburgh,” pointed out the city’s mayor Bill Peduto on Twitter. “Pittsburgh stands with the world and will follow Paris agreement.” Incensed that the Pittsburgh mayor made him look like a fool (no argument there), Trump ran to the comforting embrace of the deplorables who voted for him, calling for a Saturday “Pittsburgh, Not Paris” rally to take place across from the White House. Surely his followers—who have no problem with kneeling on burnt ravaged knees before their future hellscape crimelord, Mujdokk the Cruel—would show up in force to yelp exactly what Trump wanted to hear, right? FAST FORWARD TO SATURDAY... and this headline from MSNBC: “Trump Campaign’s ‘Pittsburgh, Not Paris’ Rally Draws ‘Dozens.’” Yes, you read that correctly. Only a few dozen climate change deniers could be bothered to show up for Trump’s rally. And you may be wondering, “Well then, where was Trump?” Here’s another headline, from Business Insider: “The White House Hyped Up a ‘Pittsburgh, Not Paris’ Rally—and Trump Skipped It to Go to His Golf Club.” And here’s yet another headline: “Future Hellscape Crimelord Says, ‘If You’d Predicted Taking Over This Ravaged Earth Was Going to Be This Easy, I Never Would’ve Believed You’.”


FRIDAY, JUNE 2

Today in “Crime Doesn’t Pay”: Portland police—with the help of the ENTIRE CITY OF PORTLAND—arrested 51-year-old George Tschaggeny, who is suspected of stealing the wedding ring off the finger of slain MAX train hero Ricky Best, who gave his life defending two young Black women (one Muslim) last Friday. Tschaggeny is also suspected of stealing the victim’s backpack which contained Best’s wallet and personal items. When police asked for help locating the subject and described the crime on social media, the entirety of Portland screamed, “OH HELL NO, and within a day the suspect was captured. Note to everyone in the world: If you’re thinking about fucking with us? It would behoove you to realize that now is not a good time.


SATURDAY, JUNE 3

In the third terrorist attack on the country in three months (!), seven people were killed and dozens more injured when a van rammed pedestrians on the London Bridge. The vehicle’s occupants continued their rampage, stabbing people with large hunting knives in a crowded nightspot. The Islamic State has claimed responsibility for the attack. As millions of world citizens and leaders offered London its prayers and support, at least one person wasn’t so supportive. (Can you even begin to guess who that might be?) “We need the courts to give us back our rights,” President Trump callously wrote on Twitter immediately following the attack. “We need the Travel Ban as an extra level of safety!” Then later, after London mayor (and liberal Muslim) Sadiq Khan asked his citizens to not be “alarmed” by increased police presence following the attack, Trump struck again! “At least 7 dead and 48 wounded in terror attack and Mayor of London says ‘there is no reason to be alarmed’!” the president wrote, taking Khan’s statement completely out of context. On the upside, Trump’s statements were condemned across the globe, and will undoubtedly hurt his chances of resuscitating his racist travel ban. The downside? Impeachment day cannot come soon enough.


SUNDAY, JUNE 4

Remember earlier when we warned the earth that now is not the best time to fuck with Portland? Apparently some people didn’t get the memo! Today a pro-Trump “Free Speech Rally” descended upon Portland... and we are not going to waste one more breath on the STUPID things these dum-dums had to say. Instead, we want to personally thank the THOUSANDS of thoughtful, beautiful souls who ventured downtown to prove to these deluded Trump supporters that their particular brand of hatred and racism doesn’t fucking fly here. You showed up, Portland—and we love ya for it. Cheers with a goblet full of whimpering white male tears! (Slurp!)