MONDAY, MAY 29
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we grow strong by drinking the tears of whimpering men. And this weekâs whimpering men are weeping up a flood! The mighty deluge was brought about by news that the Alamo Drafthouse theater in Austin, Texas, is âembracing our girl power and saying âNo Guys Allowedââ for a screening of Wonder Woman open only to those who identify as women. âAnd when we say âPeople Who Identify as Women Only,â we mean it,â the theater added. âEveryone working at this screeningâvenue staff, projectionist, and culinary teamâwill be female.â Cue the sweaty hordes of neckbearded, Cheeto-dusted man-children! âGreat, let us know when you have guys-only screenings of Thor, Spider-Man, Star Wars, etc. Letâs see you walk the walk now that you set this precedence,â wrote one outraged Facebook misogynist, who, as Lorena OâNeil at the Hollywood Reporter pointed out, âmeant to say âprecedent.ââ But the true heroes might be the theaterâs social media team, who took it upon themselves to reply to the crybaby dipshits. âWhen one man asked if they had ever held a men-only screening,â wrote OâNeil, âthe Drafthouse said, âWeâve never done showings where you had to be a man to get in, but we *did* show the Entourage movie a few years ago.â Snap, Drafthouse, and one for Wonder Woman! Weâll also take a small popcorn and your largest goblet of male tears. MEANWHILE... As reported last week, Trumpâs favorite lickspittle lackey, Jared Kushner, is under investigation for allegedly attempting to set up âa direct line to President Vladimir V. Putin of Russiaâa search that in mid-December found him in a room with a Russian banker whose financial institution was deeply intertwined with Russian intelligence,â notes the New York Times. TBH, dears, weâre still caught off guard by this one. Sure, we expected corruption and ineptitude from Trump, but his precious widdle son-in-law being this stupid is... actually kind of impressive? We bet heâs crying up a storm right now, and we bet Ivanka is just coldly staring at him until he stops. Ivanka! Catch a couple of his tears! We need a refill!
TUESDAY, MAY 30
Things are not great right nowâwhich makes it pretty goddamn nice when good things happen. And so: âAriana Grande is to perform a benefit concert for victims of the Manchester bombing on Sunday, with a stellar lineup including Justin Bieber, Coldplay, Katy Perry, and Miley Cyrus,â reports the Guardian. The benefitâwhich will also feature Pharrell Williams, Take That, Usher, and Niall Horanâfollows the horrific bombing at Grandeâs Manchester Arena show that killed 22 and injured 116. âWe will not quit or operate in fear. We wonât let this divide us. We wonât let hate win,â Grande said. âOur response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.â We donât have any jokes or snark, dears. This is just a good thing thatâs happening after a bad thing that happened, and sometimes, thatâs enough.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 31
âMr. Trump was expected to withdraw the United States from the 2015 climate change accord,â reports the New York Times, citing âthree administration officials with knowledge of the intense White House debate.â Given Trumpâs belligerent attacks on just about everything, itâs easy (and important) to pay attention to Republicansâ daily abuses of power. But just as importantâif not more soâis looking at the big picture stuff. The kind of stuff that wonât just affect us for the next four years, but the next 4,000. And this? This is that kind of stuff. âThe actions of the United States are bound to have a ripple effect in other emerging economies that are just getting serious about climate change, such as India, the Philippines, Malaysia and Indonesia,â said Michael Oppenheimerâa member of the United Nationsâ Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, and a Princeton professor of geosciences and international affairsâto the New York Times. As a result of America pulling out of the Paris agreement, âWe will see more extreme heat, damaging storms, coastal flooding, and risks to food security,â Oppenheimer continued. âAnd thatâs not the kind of world we want to live in.â MEANWHILE... âSpeak for yourself, weakling!â garbled Mujdokk the Cruel, the future Crimelord of the Drowned American Wasteland. âSure, so maybe Trump was the one who boiled our oceans and desecrated our land. But this has worked out pretty well for me! So, you know. Think about that.â
THURSDAY, JUNE 1
Aaaand as expected, Trump pulled out of the Paris climate agreement. His reasoning? âI was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh,â the president said, ânot Paris.â Well, as it turns out, Pittsburgh is siding with Paris. âFact: Hillary Clinton received 80 percent of the vote in Pittsburgh,â pointed out the cityâs mayor Bill Peduto on Twitter. âPittsburgh stands with the world and will follow Paris agreement.â Incensed that the Pittsburgh mayor made him look like a fool (no argument there), Trump ran to the comforting embrace of the deplorables who voted for him, calling for a Saturday âPittsburgh, Not Parisâ rally to take place across from the White House. Surely his followersâwho have no problem with kneeling on burnt ravaged knees before their future hellscape crimelord, Mujdokk the Cruelâwould show up in force to yelp exactly what Trump wanted to hear, right? FAST FORWARD TO SATURDAY... and this headline from MSNBC: âTrump Campaignâs âPittsburgh, Not Parisâ Rally Draws âDozens.ââ Yes, you read that correctly. Only a few dozen climate change deniers could be bothered to show up for Trumpâs rally. And you may be wondering, âWell then, where was Trump?â Hereâs another headline, from Business Insider: âThe White House Hyped Up a âPittsburgh, Not Parisâ Rallyâand Trump Skipped It to Go to His Golf Club.â And hereâs yet another headline: âFuture Hellscape Crimelord Says, âIf Youâd Predicted Taking Over This Ravaged Earth Was Going to Be This Easy, I Never Wouldâve Believed Youâ.â
FRIDAY, JUNE 2
Today in âCrime Doesnât Payâ: Portland policeâwith the help of the ENTIRE CITY OF PORTLANDâarrested 51-year-old George Tschaggeny, who is suspected of stealing the wedding ring off the finger of slain MAX train hero Ricky Best, who gave his life defending two young Black women (one Muslim) last Friday. Tschaggeny is also suspected of stealing the victimâs backpack which contained Bestâs wallet and personal items. When police asked for help locating the subject and described the crime on social media, the entirety of Portland screamed, âOH HELL NO,â and within a day the suspect was captured. Note to everyone in the world: If youâre thinking about fucking with us? It would behoove you to realize that now is not a good time.
SATURDAY, JUNE 3
In the third terrorist attack on the country in three months (!), seven people were killed and dozens more injured when a van rammed pedestrians on the London Bridge. The vehicleâs occupants continued their rampage, stabbing people with large hunting knives in a crowded nightspot. The Islamic State has claimed responsibility for the attack. As millions of world citizens and leaders offered London its prayers and support, at least one person wasnât so supportive. (Can you even begin to guess who that might be?) âWe need the courts to give us back our rights,â President Trump callously wrote on Twitter immediately following the attack. âWe need the Travel Ban as an extra level of safety!â Then later, after London mayor (and liberal Muslim) Sadiq Khan asked his citizens to not be âalarmedâ by increased police presence following the attack, Trump struck again! âAt least 7 dead and 48 wounded in terror attack and Mayor of London says âthere is no reason to be alarmedâ!â the president wrote, taking Khanâs statement completely out of context. On the upside, Trumpâs statements were condemned across the globe, and will undoubtedly hurt his chances of resuscitating his racist travel ban. The downside? Impeachment day cannot come soon enough.
SUNDAY, JUNE 4
Remember earlier when we warned the earth that now is not the best time to fuck with Portland? Apparently some people didnât get the memo! Today a pro-Trump âFree Speech Rallyâ descended upon Portland... and we are not going to waste one more breath on the STUPID things these dum-dums had to say. Instead, we want to personally thank the THOUSANDS of thoughtful, beautiful souls who ventured downtown to prove to these deluded Trump supporters that their particular brand of hatred and racism doesnât fucking fly here. You showed up, Portlandâand we love ya for it. Cheers with a goblet full of whimpering white male tears! (Slurp!)