MONDAY, JUNE 5
Happy Comey Week, dears! And while we’re tempted to kick off this week chatting about a 6’8” white dude testifying against Trump before the Senate Intelligence Committee... let’s talk about a far more powerful hero: Wonder Woman. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Patty Jenkin’s new Wonder Woman film raked in a whopping $103.3 million domestically in its opening weekend. It was the biggest opening ever for a female director, and bested the $102 million 2008 debut for the wildly popular Iron Man. This is a big deal—especially considering Hollywood’s terrible history of gender inequity. Hopefully it will show those Tinseltown bros that while strong opening weekends are important for the bottom line, America is hungry for the voices (and superheroics) of women. And perhaps more importantly, so are kids. As proof, director Jenkins tweeted some reactions from kindergarten students who had just seen the film: After watching the movie, one kindergarten girl solemnly told her teacher, “You were right, Wonder Woman was way better than Frozen.” Another girl asked if she could replace her school uniform with WW’s armor, because she “wanted to be ready if she needed to save the world.” She showed up the next day in a Wonder Woman outfit, “and not a single kid batted an eye.” And several girls on the playground who all wanted to be Wonder Woman eventually “agreed to be Amazons and not fight but to work together to defeat evil.” Excuse us, dears, but these darn tears keep watering down our martini.
TUESDAY, JUNE 6
Besides the world ending with a garbage bang and not the peaceful whimper we’ve always been promised, things got much, much worse today. Our future husband, George Clooney, and the screeching harpy who currently calls him her husband, lawyer Amal Alamuddin (now Clooney), welcomed twins into their perfect existence. TWINS! Blarf. Could they be any more precious? Could we be more envious of the screeching—albeit brilliant and gorgeous—harpy? To find out, let’s turn to CNN, who report, “This morning Amal and George welcomed Ella and Alexander Clooney into their lives. Ella, Alexander, and Amal are all healthy, happy, and doing fine.” The couple jokingly added, “George is sedated and should recover in a few days.” HAHHAHAHAHA! A matching boy and girl? George being charming? PLUS a visit from President (of our hearts) Barack Obama to wish them well? Excuse us, dears, while we make a list of all the twinned perfection in our lives. Hmm, there’s a matching sweater set from our ill-fated swing dancing phase, Hubby Kip’s Doritos-dusted double chin, and identical martinis—one for each hand. Time to double down.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7
Hi! So last week we reported that Trump’s terrible tweets had struck again, when he callously promoted his Muslim travel ban while lashing out at (and misquoting!) Mayor Sadiq Khan following the tragic London Bridge attacks. The world went crazy, and once again the White House attempted to brush aside Trump’s social media outbursts. But that didn’t stop reporters who directly asked Trump aides, “How seriously should we take these tweets?” Well, not seriously at all, according to senior advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told the Today show that the media is overly “obsessed” with the president’s tweets, and should focus more on what he’s trying to accomplish. Weirdly though, press secretary Sean Spicer had a very different opinion. “The president is the President of the United States,” Spicer told reporters in a press briefing. “So [his tweets] are considered official statements by the President of the United States.” Well, OKAY THEN. So the next time a Republican or White House aide tries to laugh off Trump’s Twitter account, we will remind them that these are “official statements from the President of the United States”—and should legally be treated as such, whether during rulings on the constitutionality of a travel ban, or say... within an impeachment hearing. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean! That information will come in especially handy tomorrow when James Comey testifies against the president before the Senate Intelligence Committee. (Keep those tweets comin’, Donny!)
THURSDAY, JUNE 8
It’s... COMEY DAAAAAAAAY! That’s right, the day when everybody suddenly had “emergency dental appointments,” but actually wound up in a bar to watch former FBI director James Comey testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee. The highlights in case you somehow missed it: Comey said Trump lied about the FBI being in disarray; Trump is being scrutinized by the FBI, if not currently under direct investigation; Comey handed over all his memos about Trump to special counsel Bob Mueller; Comey leaked previous memos through an intermediary to the New York Times (which legal experts agree is OKAY, SO SHUT UP ALREADY); former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was under investigation when he was fired; and Trump pressured Comey to stop investigating Flynn and pledge his loyalty to the president. In short—hooray! A-plus testimony—would listen to Comey testify again. (Maybe Attorney General Jeff Sessions might have something interesting to add next week when he testifies for the intelligence committee? Don’t hold your alcohol-soaked breath.)
FRIDAY, JUNE 9
Unsurprisingly, Trump had a somewhat different view of what happened during Comey’s testimony yesterday according to his OFFICIAL STATEMENT (see Wednesday) via Twitter: “Despite so many false statements and lies, total and complete vindication,” Trump impotently bellowed to an unbelieving planet, before adding, “...and WOW, Comey is a leaker!” (Is it just us, or whenever the president says “leaker,” we immediately think of his alleged Russian pee tapes?)
SATURDAY, JUNE 10
We never wanted to type these words... Batman is dead. On this sad day, the wonderful Adam West left this Bat-world at the age of 88. He was the smooth-voiced superhero whose tongue-in-cheek delivery made the 1960s Batman show a campy delight. According to the Hollywood Reporter, “West, who was at the pinnacle of pop culture after Batman debuted in January 1966, only to see his career fall victim to typecasting after the ABC show flamed out, died Friday night in Los Angeles after a short battle with leukemia.” The Northwest native was raised on a ranch outside of Walla Walla, Washington, and got his start on a TV show in Hawaii “with a diaper-wearing chimp named Peaches.” After making it big as Batman and Biff! Bam! Zlonk-ing! through countless hijinks with the Riddler, the Penguin, and Catwoman (Julie Newmar 4EVER!), it was time to send up the Bat-signal one last time. RIP Mr. West.
SUNDAY, JUNE 11
We thought our 12-year-old niece’s Snapchat fights were epic, but she’s got nothing on Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. This week their continuing feud has broken out again like a pizza-faced tweenager. It originally started because Tay-Tay accused KatyKat of stealing her backup dancers—or something equally STOOPID. This was followed by Katy whining to her bestie NME, “I mean, I’m not Buddha—things irritate me,” she said. “I’m also not a pushover, you know? Especially when someone tries to assassinate my character with little girls [her fans]. That’s so messed up!” Well, you can bet your poop emoji that T-Swift was not going to take that lying down, so she unleashed her biggest weapon—a streaming pile of grudge music. According to Dlisted, “The most recent stirring of the bitchcraft cauldron was when Tay-Tay put her entire back catalog on streaming services on the very same day that Katycat’s new album, Witness, dropped.” “You steal my dancer, I’ll steal your thunder,” Taylor was heard cackling through the halls of Celebrity Junior High. But Katy (hopefully!) got the last word. “There are bigger fish to fry, and there are real problems in the world,” she told Arianna Huffington through clenched teeth as she imagined burying the hatchet in Taylor’s thin skull. “There’s a lot of other things out there in the world that people need to be focused on, and I truly, like, God bless her on her journey. God bless her. Honestly.” The more times you’ve been God-blessed by Katy Perry, the more times you know she’d love to poke out your eyes with peppery hot pokers. And that, dears, is how two very rich grown-ass women are spending their time. #Blessed.