MONDAY, JUNE 12
Greetings, loved ones! You know, as Donald Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, don’tchaknow—continues to use the Constitution as his personal wet wipe, it’s easy to forget there are other terrible people in our government also doing terrible things... say, for example, the Senate GOP. Quick history lesson: Just last month, White House mouthpiece Sean Spicer told us that when the Senate GOP finally got the chance to rejigger Obamacare, it wouldn’t be in secret. “When it was done last time,” Spicer crowed, “it was jammed down people’s throats, and look what happened.” (What happened was millions of Americans finally got the life-saving coverage they needed... but we digress.) Anyway, the GOP was going to do their health care plan differently, right? Hahahahahaaaaa... NO. According to the Washington Post, not only are Senate Republicans writing their health care revision in absolute secrecy, today they also outlawed television cameras in the hallways of the Capitol in order to avoid taking questions about their shenanigans. When asked by a reporter why it was so important at this moment to deny television cameras in the hallways, GOP Sen. Tim Scott said, “Cameras could catch the pin numbers of Senators at ATM machines.” Wow. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. That’s it for today, dears. Excuse us while we submerge ourselves in a bathtub filled with martinis.
TUESDAY, JUNE 13
Look! In the distance! Atop a dark steed and shrouded in a haze of cigarette smoke, garbled tweets, and spray-tan mist is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—One Day veteran Lindsay Lohan. As the newest harbinger of our impending doom, LiLo has actually landed herself (wait for it...) an actual, paying acting gig. True, that’s a real jaw dropper, but careful! You don’t want spray-tan particulates in your mouth. According to Dlisted, “Lindsay has joined the second season of the British comedy series Sick Note.” The show—which we haven’t heard of either—“stars Rupert Grint as an insurance rep who is misdiagnosed with a terminal illness and decides to hide the misdiagnosis from everyone.” So Ron Weasley and Lindsay Lohan together? We always suspected LiLo was a Horcrux. MEANWHILE... On the one-year anniversary of the tragic Pulse nightclub shootings that left 49 dead, the Trace reports that an Orlando, Florida, cemetery caretaker named Don Price is a very, very good person. “About a week after the shooting... Price worried that the services might be picketed by the fervently anti-gay members of the Westboro Baptist Church. So he acquired a parade permit from the city, which allowed him to shut down a lane of the adjacent road. For further privacy, he overlaid a dark screen over the chain-link fence that separates the road from the graves.” Then this prince of a man “decorated the barrier’s interior with rainbow and American flags.” Now that’s a master lesson in decency. “I’ve met hundreds of people connected to Pulse,” he said. “And I’ve given out a lot of hugs.” Excuse us, I think we got some of Lindsay’s spray-tan mist in our eye.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14
This morning in Alexandria, Virginia, a lone gunman fired on Republicans as they practiced for an upcoming Congressional baseball game. The sniper was killed by Capitol Police—but not before he shot four people, including House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, whose condition at press time has been upgraded from critical to serious. The shooter, whose name won’t be mentioned here—because fuck him—had far left views, a history of abusing women, and had legally procured the weapon he used to nearly kill multiple members of Congress. After turning a blind eye to the victims of Sandy Hook, the Pulse nightclub attack, and the 164 mass shootings America has experienced this year alone, what did the Republicans do when a shooter fired on some of their own? “Shaken and angry, Republican members of Congress seized on the brazen daytime shooting of their colleagues on Wednesday to demand that existing restrictions on gun access be loosened so that people facing similar attacks are able to defend themselves,” reports the New York Times. Because... a bunch of Republicans firing wildly at a public park would’ve really improved this situation? If they’re going to further loosen gun laws, the least they could do is give their future victims good health insurance first.
THURSDAY, JUNE 15
As you know, a terrible day for Trump is, for us, a wondrous day in which cotton candy and Skittles fall from heaven. From the Washington Post: “The special counsel overseeing the investigation into Russia’s role in the 2016 election is interviewing senior intelligence officials as part of a widening probe that now includes an examination of whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice, officials said.” YAAAAAAS! So to recap, Donald Trump has been screeching for WEEKS that former FBI Director James Comey specifically told him he “was not under investigation.” And now? His suspicious firing of Comey actually inspired the special counsel’s investigation against him! YAAAAAAAAS! You know... the only thing that would make this day better are a few signature unhinged Trump Tweets™ that will make his terrible situation exponentially worse... aaaaaaaand... CUE UNHINGED TRUMP TWEETS™!
FRIDAY, JUNE 16
“You are witnessing the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history,” Trump tweetscreamed, “led by some very bad and conflicted people! #MAGA.” And later: “I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director,” Trump said, before punctuating his tweetscream once again with “Witch Hunt.” Thank you, Donald J. Trump, for confirming the Washington Post report that you are indeed under investigation for obstruction of justice. (Guess it wasn’t “fake news” this time, huh?) Oh, and speaking of “fake news,” while Trump is doing his best to blame Comey’s firing on “the person who told me to fire the FBI Director,” AKA Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, we’ve read the reports that it was the President who asked Rosenstein to write that original memo suggesting the firing. And if our alcohol-sodden memory banks serve us correctly, it was also Trump who told NBC News’ Lester Holt back in May that “I was going to fire [Comey] regardless of [Rosenstein’s] recommendation.” Hmm! So our questions are: “Was Trump lying then, or is he lying now?” (We suppose a third question would be: “Or is he lying with every word and bubble of spit coming out of his mouth?”)
SATURDAY, JUNE 17
Remember when gun nut and garbage person Ted Nugent got the Secret Service on his case in 2012? The Washington Post reminds us, “He once said then-Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama should ‘suck my machine gun.’” But now Ted’s having second thoughts about his previous acts of mouth diarrhea. “After Wednesday’s shooting at a congressional baseball practice, Nugent has decided to be ‘more selective with my rants and in my words.’” We don’t know about sucking on machine guns, but we certainly know someone who sucks. MEANWHILE... President (of our hearts) Barack Obama may have caught the off-the-cuff bug when he accidentally dropped a reveal bomb while congratulating expecting father Jay Z on his induction into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. “Jay and I are ,also fools for our daughters, though he’s gonna have me beat once those two twins show up,” Obama said, according to Perez Hilton. “And let’s face it, we both have wives who are significantly more popular than we are.” So true, but this nonchalant daddy-brag made the Twitterverse and Beyoncé’s Beyhive lose their minds over the implication that the Bey-Bey-Bump may contain twin girls. Could it bey? (Uggh. Sorry, dears.)
SUNDAY, JUNE 18
OMG! OMG! The biggest day of all days is finally here!! It’s the only news that matters today and every day EVER. According to People, “Beyoncé and husband Jay Z have welcomed twins.” Which must be why the heavens cried sweet tears of lemonade-flavored joy, the gray skies parted, and we didn’t even feel the need to drink two martinis before bed. Unlike last week, when we stewed over George and Amal Clooney’s twins, today we were so happy to see the Queen’s royal court expand. And, um, we hate to say this, but Barack was wrong. Beyoncé had a girl and a boy! (At least according to Us Weekly as of press time, so you know... we’ll see.) We’ll be able to maintain this state of utter bliss if Bey and Jay don’t give their perfection twins names that are absolutely celebludicrous. Hmmm, actually, that’s not a bad name for twins... Celeb and Ludicrous.