JOHNNY DEPP Guys... he was only trying to amuse! Rich Polk / Stringer / GETTY IMAGES

MONDAY, JUNE 19

Welcome back to One Day at a Time—your trusted chronicle of a corrupt world that’s collapsing into a hellscape of chaos, and... wait! What!? Is that hope on the horizon? IT IS, AND IT’S SHAPED LIKE BEYONCÉ’S BABIES! Beyoncé’s twin babies, who now have names, according to MediaTakeOut, who brutally interrogated an unfortunate insider to get the scoop! “The boy’s name is Shawn after his dad, and the girl’s name is Bea—after their parents,” the insider screeched, probably between bouts of waterboarding. SO... Huh. Those are... fine names, we suppose? Maybe even kind of boring? But waitasecond! Apparently Bey and Jay-Z’s first born and divine heir to the throne, Blue Ivy, picked out the names! “Blue Ivy is relishing the role as a new big sister,” a source tells Hollywood Life. “She even helped in the naming process of her new siblings.” So everybody is okay with that, right? No? “Ugh, Blue Ivy did the worst job picking out her siblings’ names,” InTouch sniped, adding, “We really hope someone tells us these aren’t the actual baby names.” “Jesus Christ,” Blue Ivy said in press release. “Look. I know 'Shawn’ and 'Bea’ aren’t the best names, okay? But what do you want from me? I’m five. All I’m trying to do is keep my parents from naming them Magenta Moss or Tope Parsley or whatever. So instead of criticism, maybe a ‘thank you’ might be nice?” Yes, you are absolutely correct, our glorious and future queen, Blue Ivy. Thank you. Thank you. A million times thank you.


TUESDAY, JUNE 20

RUMOR ALERT! Inept White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, AKA “Li’l Spicey,” might be getting shit-canned! According to CNN, the White House is “mulling a new role” for Li’l Spicey—one “that would take him away from the podium and into a different role inside the West Wing.” It’s tempting to come up with jobs that might be a better fit for Li’l Spicey—like sipping a juice box in a beanbag chair, picking his nose and watching Phineas and Ferb and never ever participating in governmental communications ever again. But Trump’s BFF advisor, the sentient vein-strained tumor calling itself Steve Bannon, wants everyone to know the real reason Li’l Spicey’s getting fired... because he’s not that li’l. “Asked why the briefings are now routinely held off-camera,” reports the Atlantic’s Rosie Gray, “White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said in a text message 'Sean got fatter,’ and did not respond to a follow-up.” MEANWHILE... For no particular reason, dears, a reminder: As the Constitution notes, America was founded “in order to form a more perfect union.” But if you squint, down at the very bottom of the parchment, in teeny-tiny cursive, you can see that oft-forgotten footnote: “In addition, America was also founded so that Steve Bannon can text about how he thinks Sean Spicer is fat.” That bile stinging the back of your throat, dears? That’s just your patriotism. It’s almost Fourth of July, after all!


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21

And, of course, we’ve fallen into one of the Trump administration’s most effective traps: Gaping at the sheer horribleness, while getting distracted from the very real, very harmful measures Trump & Co. are pushing through. Such as the Republicans’ latest attempt to destroy Obamacare. “Democrats vowed on Monday to slow work in the Senate to a crawl to protest the secrecy surrounding the Republican effort to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act,” reports the New York Times. That would be heartening... if the Democrats could actually do anything. But they can’t. “Without the votes to stop the majority party from passing a bill, Democrats can only draw attention to the way Republicans are creating their bill—behind closed doors without a single hearing or public bill-drafting session,” the New York Times continues. Which means the best we can hope for, dears, is that the Republicans’ latest hateful screed of a bill won’t be as despicable as their last one. That’s... that’s a reasonable hope, right? One that can’t possibly be dashed?


THURSDAY, JUNE 22

UNNNGGHHH. So after weeks of hiding his super secret healthcare plan that will affect the lives of millions, Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell finally emerged from his shell today to reveal... surprise! A plan nearly identical to the deeply loathed Congressional scheme. Shit Bill 2.0 will eviscerate Medicaid, substantially reduce funding for mental health and substance abuse treatment, put Planned Parenthood on the chopping block, and kick millions off their health insurance. But wait! There is some good news here... for rich, white people. Not only will they keep their comfortable insurance, but they’ll also receive massive tax cuts. Sure, Republicans... we get it. Nobody likes paying taxes. However, we do it to support the infrastructure we all enjoy, and to help those who, through no fault of their own, are not as privileged as we are. Or as former President Obama put it today, “Simply put, if there’s a chance you might get sick, get old, or start a family—this bill will do you harm. And small tweaks over the course of the next couple weeks, under the guise of making these bills easier to stomach, cannot change the fundamental meanness at the core of this legislation.” And this is what the GOP and their head turtle have been trying to hide this entire time: the cold, mean hearts tucked deep inside their shells.


FRIDAY, JUNE 23

One would think that after Kathy Griffin’s well-publicized public shellacking after being photographed holding the fake bloodied head of Trump, celebs would cool it on the off-the-cuff presidential death threats. ONE WOULD THINK. But that “one” is not Johnny Depp, who told the crowd at England’s Glastonbury Festival that Trump “needs help,” and added, “When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?” (A not very sly reference to John Wilkes Booth.) Cue mumbling non-apology in three... two... one.... “I apologize for the bad joke I attempted last night in poor taste about President Trump,” Depp mumbled to People magazine. “It did not come out as intended, and I intended no malice. I was only trying to amuse, not to harm anyone.” Ugh! Now he owes us an apology for saying he “was only trying to amuse!”


SATURDAY, JUNE 24

In what has now become the new normal, the Washington Post dropped a bombshell report late Friday, claiming the CIA informed former President Obama in August 2016 about Vladimir Putin’s direct attempts to get Trump elected. Due to a lack of confirmation and the expectation that Hillary would win, the Obama administration didn’t publicly reveal that the Russians were messing with our election—and still nothing about Putin—until October 7. “It is the hardest thing about my entire time in government to defend,” said a former senior Obama official. “I feel like we sort of choked.” Now OF COURSE Trump is going to say something stupid on Twitter about that... but before we repeat it, let’s also remember that just two days ago, he called Russian interference with the election “a big Dem HOAX!” So what did he tweet today? “Just out: The Obama Administration knew far in advance of November 8th about election meddling by Russia. Did nothing about it. WHY?” Ohhh, so now he believes it—even though it came from a supposedly “fake news” source. But wait! The tweets get better! “Obama Administration official said they 'choked’ when it came to acting on Russian meddling of election,” he tweeted. “They didn’t want to hurt Hillary?” Wait... what!? How on earth could Obama telling the world that Putin was trying to get Trump elected somehow hurt Hillary? His brain... I just can’t underst... because... huh? What? He.... Bzzzzzzzzzzz... [If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.]


SUNDAY, JUNE 25

Yay! There’s trouble for Ivanka Trump! As you recall, Ivanka ran her own fashion line before stepping aside to take on her new role as “adviser” to Big Daddy Trump. However, her namesake company is currently being sued by Italian shoe makers Aquazzura Italia, who claim her design for the “Hettie” stiletto is a rip-off of their popular “Wild Things” shoe (which we don’t own, but only because Hubby Kip is a cheap bastard). And in our expert opinion, the shoes are wildly similar—from the cute ankle strap, to the side tassle, to the red pom-pom on the toe. But instead of testifying, Ivanka is taking the classic “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” defense. According to CNN, her lawyers say she should be exempt because it “would be an unnecessary distraction and would interfere with her ability to perform her duties at the White House.” And we gotta say, they have a point: After all, if Ivanka’s not there, who’s going to eye-stab hubby Jared Kushner until he pees a little in his Dockers?