DONALD TRUMP Inspiring alcoholism since 2016. Getty

MONDAY, JUNE 26

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! You should definitely fix yourself a drink—and make it a double, because this week is off to quite a start! Oh, don’t worry about us, dears. We’ve got a whole line of martinis right next to our keyboard. We can drink and type at the same time! That’s why they invented straws! *drinks* *types* *sighs heavily* So! Today the Supreme Court paved the way for Donald Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—to “prohibit the entry of some people into the United States from countries he deems dangerous,” according to the New York Times. While the court decided to hear full arguments regarding Trump’s racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic travel ban this fall, they also decided to allow elements of the ban to continue ‘til then. Ugh. Just so we’re clear: This is bad news, and it makes us a worse country, and we should all be embarrassed. So, y’know—kinda like everything else the past six months! *throws glass over shoulder* *puts straw in next martini*


TUESDAY, JUNE 27

Time for a celebratory martini, dears, because Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell’s attempt to push through the GOP’s latest harmful, half-assed health care bill is facing resistance! First, that’s excellent news—KEEP IT UP, everyone who’s pushing against this thing! (If your representatives aren’t tired of hearing from you yet, keep calling until they are.) And second, let’s take a quick sec to enjoy watching the Republicans trip over each other like the oblivious fuckwits they are. We speak, of course, of Trump’s broken toilet of a White House—which, in an attempt to look like it’s doing something, teamed up with a super PAC to attack Nevada Republican Senator Dean Heller for his opposition to the health care bill. At which point, the New York Times notes, McConnell poked his head out of his turtle shell and “called the White House Chief of staff, Reince Priebus, to complain that the attacks were ‘beyond stupid.’” Ah. “Beyond stupid.” Assuming we make it through the next few years, we’re guessing that’ll be a phrase for the history books. We can see the chapter title now: “The Trump Years, 2017-2021: Beyond Stupid.”


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28

As someone who sat through all EIGHT of the Fast & Furious movies (THANKS, HUBBY KIP), we have only one thing to say: God bless you, Michelle Rodriguez. “The Fate of the Furious star took to Instagram today to chastise the series for its male-heavy cast, which features Dwayne Johnson, Tyrese Gibson, Jason Statham, Chris Ludacris Bridges, Kurt Russell, and, of course, Vin Diesel,” writes Vulture, before quoting Rodriguez: “F8 is out digitally today, I hope they decide to show some love to the women of the franchise on the next one. Or I just might have to say goodbye to a loved franchise.” AND NOW... We turn to One Day at a Time Fast & Furious Correspondent Hubby Kip! “Hmm! A very interesting move from Rodriguez,” he mused, thoughtfully stroking his Cheeto-dusted chin as he stared at Instagram. “Normally, I’d point out that Fate of the Furious featured Charlize Theron, Helen Mirren, and, of course, Rodriguez’s fan-favorite character ‘Letty,’ and I’d wonder if her threat to quit wasn’t merely a bargaining tactic to ensure a larger salary for Fast & Furiouses 9 and 10. However! One simply must admit that since the untimely demise of Gal Gadot’s beloved ‘Gisele’ in Fast & Furious 6, and the unfortunate sidelining of Jordana Brewster’s ‘Mia’ following Furious 7, it’s high time for more ladies behind the wheel! So vroom vroom, Michelle! Screech! Ker-BOOOM! Hubba hubba!” IN RELATED NEWS... Well, he tried, and he did pretty good up until the end. And while we’re never asking Hubby Kip about anything ever again, we’re 100 percent with you, Michelle! Ride or die! (Did we just say “ride or die”? And mean it? Ugh.)


THURSDAY, JUNE 29

Suffice to say, whenever President Trump squeals in his tweets about “FAKE NEWS!” we are highly offended. Because One Day at a Time is NEVER fake—the stories we tell every week are 100 percent bonafide TRUTH... except when they are later proven false. So yeah, there’s a difference! Besides, we now have proof that Trump actually loves “FAKE NEWS!” According to the Washington Post, at least five of Trump’s golf clubs have a framed Time magazine cover (dated March 2009) hanging on their walls, which depict the president and the words, “Donald Trump: The Apprentice is a Television Smash!” Trouble is, it’s a fake—Trump was not on the cover of Time that month... and while we’re on the subject, The Apprentice was a piece of shit. When asked about the fake covers, White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to acknowledge Trump’s blatant promotion of fake news. “We couldn’t comment on the décor of Trump golf clubs one way or the other,” she said. When asked if The Apprentice is an actual piece of shit, she said, “We will not comment on pieces of shit, or whether they are real or fake... because truthfully, we can no longer tell the difference.” (Psst! Sometimes fake news can be truer than true news.)


FRIDAY, JUNE 30

While the president may secretly love “FAKE NEWS!” he not-so-secretly hates women. We all recall Trump’s infamous comment about grabbing women “by the pussy” and insinuating former Fox News host Megyn Kelly was menstruating while serving as election debate moderator (“blood coming out of her whatever”)—but now that he’s president he’s just as misogynistic as ever. The day started as usual: Trump woke up, sat down on the toilet, and produced a steaming pile of tweet. “I heard poorly rated [MSNBC show] @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me,” tweeted the grunting Trump. “Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika [co-host Mika Brzezinski] came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Years Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!” Surprise, surprise, Trump was immediately lambasted from every corner of the internet, as well as Republicans (like Lindsey Graham and Paul Ryan) for his bro-tastic tweet turd. However, there was one woman defending Trump’s misogynistic squirt: Welcome again to One Day at a Time, for the second day in a row, White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders! “The president has been attacked mercilessly on personal accounts by members on that program,” Sanders told reporters, “and when he’s attacked, he’s going to hit back. I think the American people elected somebody who’s tough, who’s smart, and who’s a fighter, and that’s Donald Trump!” And that was the moment the last remaining molecule of Sanders self-respect packed its bags, left her body, and moved far away to a small island in Belize.


SATURDAY, JULY 1

Yes, we agree—Trump gets waaaaay too much airtime. Especially when there is plenty of juicy gossip to munch on! For example... ITEM #1: Whose tongue is inside Rihanna’s mouth? (You know... besides her own.) That was the question everyone asked this week when a photo dropped of the sultry singer making hot smoochies with a mystery man while frolicking poolside in Spain. While the internet was quick to guess it was one of the country’s muy caliente soccer stars, in actuality it was someone even more intriguing—Hassan Jameel, dreamy billionaire and heir to Saudi Arabia’s “largest Toyota distributor.” Meanwhile, we’re married to a videogame enthusiast and hygienist at Portland’s fourth largest dental office. Just like Rihanna, we’re living the dream. :( ITEM #2: Here’s the best headline you’ll read today: “Rob Lowe Recalls Bigfoot Encounter.” In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Rob recounted the horrific experience with Bigfoot—or as those in the Ozarks call it, a “wood ape” (!!)—while shooting his new A&E reality show, The Lowe Files, in which he and his sons explore unexplained phenomena. “I’m fully aware I sound like a crazy, Hollywood kook,” Rob said about his terrifying encounter. “I was lying on the ground thinking I was going to be killed.” Just so everyone knows, we are going to watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF THIS ROB LOWE/WOOD APE SHOW. Because... well, because we’re married to a dental hygienist/videogame addict. It’s not like we have anything better to do.


SUNDAY, JULY 2

Guys! Stop claiming that Britney Spears lip-syncs all her live performances, because (according to her) SHE... DOES... NOT! While admitting this week in an interview with an Israeli television station that she does use “a little bit of playback,” she’s sick and tired of your lip-syncing accusations because... because... well, you tell them, Britney! “It really pisses me off,” she squeaked, “because I am busting my ass out there and singing at the same time and nobody ever really gives me credit for it.” Oooooh-kay, Brit! Whatever you say! Now that Trump’s president, we’re expected to believe all kinds of things: like that Republicans want to improve healthcare, Rob Lowe met a “wood ape,” and water is actually dry. So yeah... Britney Spears doesn’t lip-sync, everybody. Have a great week!