KIM KARDASHIAN "It's not a baby corset! It's an adolescent waist trainer!" DIA DIPASUPI / GETTY IMAGES

MONDAY, JULY 10

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—it’s so nice to have you back! And as ever... we wish we had better news for you. Heavy sigh. Let’s get started! “A ‘biological annihilation’ of wildlife in recent decades means a sixth mass extinction in Earth’s history is underway,” according to the Guardian, reporting on a not-depressing-at-all paper in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “The scientists found billions of populations of mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians have been lost all over the planet,” the Guardian continues—leading to the kind of extinction event that’s only been seen five times before in Earth’s history. “The resulting biological annihilation obviously will have serious ecological, economic, and social consequences. Humanity will eventually pay a very high price for the decimation of the only assemblage of life that we know of in the universe,” the paper’s authors conclude. MEANWHILE... “The only assemblage of life that you know of in the universe!” added Emperor Klaaktu, Warlord of Rigel VII. “Little do you pathetic Earthlings know of the vast, pristine galaxies that have yet to be tainted by your selfish, short-sighted... wait. Wait! Forget I said anything! Keep ruining your own crappy planet! I swear by the Ninth Eye of Xorgnurt that I’ll Death-Star you parasites if you even think of screwing up anyplace else!”


TUESDAY, JULY 11

“Congressional Republicans, well practiced by now in the craft of protecting an administration stalked by scandal, generally retreated to form on Tuesday when confronted with the extraordinary latest: an email last year, embraced by the president’s son, affirming the Russian government’s support for the Trump campaign and promising damaging information on his opponent,” reports the New York Times—putting aside the treasonous acts of one of Donald Trump’s dispshit sons to focus on Republicans’ refusal to do anything about it. There are also Republicans such as Senator Patrick J. Toomey of Pennsylvania, who, when asked for comment on the matter, bravely said “Not right now,” or Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, who told the NY Times to “Talk to others about politics,” or the very possibly senile Utah Senator Orrin G. Hatch, who insisted Trump Jr. is a “very nice young man” who’s “very dedicated to his father” in the midst of an “overblown” controversy. And this, dears, is why progressives’ hopes for an impeachment—or even meaningful criticism—wither each day: Republicans simply refuse to address the chaos they’ve plunged us into, instead dutifully marching along to whatever tune the Trump family plays. If we’re going to watch this goose-stepping parade time and time again, could it at least be accompanied by something more entertaining than Trump’s lies? (Jay-Z’s new album is really good! Just an idea!)


WEDNESDAY, JULY 12

“Today, some of the world’s biggest internet companies and activist groups are coming together to protest the FCC’s proposed rollback of net neutrality protections,” writes the Verge—pointing to missives from Google, Netflix, the ACLU, Reddit, Amazon, Airbnb, OkCupid, and more in favor of keeping the internet out of the clutches of telecom giants, which want to monitor and charge people more for certain kinds of news and video. It’s not often you see companies like Amazon publicly aligning themselves with companies like PornHub, and yet? Here we are! “The porn site asked homepage visitors to ‘join PornHub in the fight to save net neutrality’ because ‘slow porn sucks,’” notes the Verge—explaining why Hubby Kip has suddenly grown very invested in protecting net neutrality. “It’s one of the most important issues of our age, Annie,” he said tonight over dinner. “This is something I believe in a great deal—really something worth fighting for,” he continued, certainly talking about net neutrality and not at all about quick, fast, and reliable access to MILF videos. “I just find all this very distressing, and in times like these, I think we all need to work together for the common good.” Mm-hmm. Sure, Kip. Sure.


THURSDAY, JULY 13

Okay, everybody relax! As it turns out, Kim Kardashian is not—we repeat NOTforcing her four-year-old daughter North West to wear an actual corset. To be clear, it just looks exactly like an actual corset. Big diff, okay? We mean, sure: The Kardashians are known for wearing actual corsets (AKA waist trainers), like, all the time. Sis Khloé even Instagrammed herself wearing a corset to workout sessions—because, of course, right? However, when little North was pictured earlier this week wearing a cute orange dress with what appeared to be an actual corset on top? Well, let’s just say the internet did what it does best... it went ape-shit haywire, accusing Kim of forcing her daughter into an Elizabethan-era torture device. BUT GUYS! Kim Kardashian would never do that, okay? “I would never put my daughter in a corset,” Kim cried on Twitter following this simply outrageous accusation—even though as mentioned earlier, her family wears them all the time. “It’s a dress I bought that is a cotton fabric that laces up & looks like a corset!” So, everybody got that? Kim is absolutely NOT confining her child in an oppressive, constraining apparatus designed to reduce her waist to the circumference of a quarter. North is currently wearing a non-confining training corset—that is, until she’s eight and can wear the real thing. WE ARE GLAD WE CLEARED THIS UP.


FRIDAY, JULY 14

And on the topic of clearing things up, it should be noted that Donald Trump is a despicable misogynist pig. Now that he’s finally more comfortable in his role as president, he’s returning to his pre-election behavior of objectifying women and treating them like garbage. While touring a Paris museum with French President Emmanuel Macron and wife Brigitte, Trump (for no particular reason other than he’s gross) turned to the French first lady and said, “You know, you’re in such good shape,” before adding, “Beautiful.” (All together now... EWWWWWW!) Naturally, Twitter reached such a peak of insanity that even shoe company Reebok dove into the fray, tweeting a flow chart depicting when it’s okay to say, “You’re in such good shape.” (The only appropriate time? When you “find a forgotten action figure from your youth, unscathed after decades, in your parent’s basement.”) Later, in a televised interview, Australian Foreign Minister Julie Bishop was asked what she thought of Trump’s quip to the French first lady. “It’s a rather interesting comment to make,” she said. “I wonder if she could say the same about him?” And that is what’s called a classic “dry burn.” (For those who haven’t seen Trump in his golfing attire, he looks like 80 pounds of beans poured into a 30-pound sack.)


SATURDAY, JULY 15

We can all agree that America’s relationship with the airline industry is a skootch... strained. With rampant cancellations, passengers getting bumped off planes, and oh yeah... that one man who was physically dragged off a United flight, the nation’s airlines have needed something—anything—to make them seem less loathsome. Enter conservative garbage pile Ann Coulter! “Hey @Delta, if it was so important for the dachshund-legged woman to take my seat,” Coulter tweet-screamed, “she should have BOOKED THE SEAT IN ADVANCE. Like I did.” Okay, here’s what happened: While on a Delta flight, Coulter was moved to a window seat (in the same row) in order to accommodate another passenger (the one she accused of having “dachshund legs). How did she respond? By firing off no less than 35 furious tweets against Delta as of press time. While the airline agreed to refund the $30 she spent to book her seat in advance, it was clearly not enough. “$30!” she squealed on Twitter. “It cost me $10,000 of my time to pre-select the seat I wanted, investigate type of plane....” (We’re gonna cut her off there since she’s an idiot and doesn’t deserve any more of anyone’s time. Just wanted to remind everyone that, yes, there is something worse than airlines, and it’s Ann Coulter. Please make a note of it!)


SUNDAY, JULY 16

But shut up, everybody in the world, because... because... BECAUSE... Beyoncé has finally debuted her new twins on Instagram! (We’ll pause for an international scream of approval, and for you to grab a life jacket... to swim in an ocean filled with tears of joy!) While we assume you’ve already enlarged this photo at Kinko’s and mounted it on your bedroom wall, allow us to describe its magnificent glory: With the sea and blooming flowers in the background, the Botticelli-inspired photograph depicts our magnificent Queen Bey bedecked in blue and floral ruffles, and in her arms, the beatific vision of tiny Sir and Rumi Carter—who one day shall rule a benevolent utopia with a kind but firm hand, where there will be no Trumps and no Coulters, and the baby Kardashians of the world shall finally be freed from their waist-strangling corsets. (Sigh.) Until that glorious day, load up on the martinis, dears! Because the garbage train just keeps on rollin’.