MONDAY, JULY 31
Welcome to this weekâs comeuppance, dears! Remember last week, when dastardly White House communications director Anthony âThe Moochâ Scaramucci got dumped by his beautiful wife (who was nine months pregnant!) after only holding his job for a week? Welllll... âTen days after beginning as White House communications director, the epochal reign of former hedge-fund boss and foul-mouthed New Yorker Anthony Scaramucci is over,â reports the New York Times! âMr. Trump recruited Mr. Scaramucci as a tough-talking alter ego who would ferociously fight for him the way others had not. But âthe Mooch,â as he likes to be known, quickly went too far, even in the eyes of a president who delights in pushing the boundaries of political and social decorum.â Wow. You have to be one salty-mouthed sailor to have Trump be embarrassed about your language! Considering that last week Moochie dropped this gemââI fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people Iâll fire tomorrowââhereâs hoping heâs somewhere far, far away... perhaps at a quiet meditation retreat, reflecting on the concept of irony. Or learning how to keep his mouth shut. Weâre fine with him doing anything, really, so long as we never have to hear from him again.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 1
Now, dears, letâs bid a not-so-fond farewell to the corrupted halls of Washington, DC, and instead report some shocking news from Washington State: Macklemore almost died! âMacklemore is lucky to be alive after his Mercedes was hit head-on by an alleged drunk driver in a pickup truck,â TMZ reports. Thankfully, both the alleged drunk driver and Seattleâs least-favorite rapper are fine. When police inquired if the driver of the pickup truck had been drinking, TMZ adds, âThe guy told officers on scene he had a drink âa while back.â When asked how much, cops say he replied âfive oâclock.ââ Same, Drunky. Same. MEANWHILE... Hubby Kip just came running up from his horrible little basement, covered in Cheeto dust and brandishing a raw cucumber like it was his cherished collectible lightsaber. âAnnie, Annie! Make sure you mention the story about WWEâs the Undertaker being scared of cucumbers!â Sigh. Fine. âHe struck terror into the hearts of his opponents with the supernatural-like presence and knack for stuffing his victims into caskets. But in real life, the Undertaker had a fear of his ownâhe was scared of cucumbers,â the New York Post dishes from the crisper drawer! âHe cannot stand cucumbers,â the Post continues, quoting âPaul Bearer,â the wrestlerâs manager, who died in 2013. âI saw the Undertaker throw up all over a Waffle House because there was a cucumber floating in his iced tea.â Hubby Kip, weâre sorry we doubted you about this juicy slice oâ goss! And weâll never look at a Waffle House the same way again.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2
And now to type a phrase we never thought weâd type: âToday brings us not one, but *shudder* two pieces of Sharknado news.â First up, the Syfy channelâs schlocky series of chompy B movies has seriously been underpaying its lady lead, Tara Reid! According to the Hollywood Reporter, Reid only makes about a quarter of what her costar, Ian Ziering, makes for each film. âShe protested the disparity during the filming of Sharknado 3,â the Reporter notes, adding that âSyfy later asked fans whether or not to kill off her character.â Hmmmmm, not suspicious at all. Sure, Tara wonât be spouting off Shakespearean soliloquies anytime soonâbut her acting skills are at least equal to stupid 90210âs stupid Steve Sanders! MEANWHILE, IN *SHUDDER* OTHER SHARKNADO NEWS... âIn January 2015, two years before he was sworn in as president, Donald Trump was set to step into the same role in a very different capacity: He had signed on to play the president in 2015âs Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!â reveals the Hollywood Reporter. (The role later went to Shark Tank star Marc Cuban, who, frankly, should have known better.) In other words? Stunt casting for a Sharknado movie became our reality. Is it 5 pm yet? Or 4 pm, or 11 am? Time for a drink!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 3
âGeorge Clooney is not only an Academy Award-winning actor, director and activist, he is also the most beautiful man in the world,â according to Newsweek, who are clearly on the prowl for a Pulitzer. âUsing computer facial mapping technology, a London cosmetic surgeon measured the proportions of Clooneyâs faceâincluding his eyes, nose, jawline and chinâand calculated its proximity to the golden ratio sweet spot,â Newsweek adds, noting that Clooneyâs beautiful, beautiful face is a 91.86 percent match for the ancient ratio that âexhibited perfect symmetry.â IN RELATED NEWS... We could have told you this years ago, Newsweek. And we did! We believe we told everyone! We also believe that our dearest Georgie sent us several very sweet restraining orders. We found some perfect frames for them, and they look fantastic in our foyer. AND IN EVEN MORE RELATED NEWS... True, we donât have a âmathematics degree,â and we âhad to look on Wikipedia to see what the golden ratio was.â But just, you know, eyeballing it, we think Hubby Kip is about a... 14.8 match for the golden ratio? Thatâs okay! He has other qualities, like being able to hang things up in our foyer.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 4
Last week, dears, we wrote about how twerpy tyrant Justin Bieber seemed to be getting his life together... until he ran over somebody with his truck. In a sane world, Bieber would face some sort of consequence for thisâperhaps even one that would, perhaps, encourage him to stop hitting people with trucks? Alas, we do not live in a sane world. According to law enforcement sources who gabbed to TMZ, Bieber wonât be facing charges, due to the fact that the photographer he hit was standing in the street, andâwait for itâBieber claimed to be âblinded by camera flashes.â Now that heâs gotten off scot-free, except Bieberâs spree of vehicular terror to continue. (Psst! Justin! We hear Macklemoreâs an easy target!)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 5
So far, dears, this horrible week has been full of blinded Biebers, puking Undertakers, and mooching Moochesâbut thankfully, Channing Tatum is here to make it all better! Las Vegasâ Channing Tatum-produced Magic Mike stage show is extending its run, reports Peopleâand naturally, Channing knows why the showâs such a hit. âWe just kind of did something that we thought was important, which was actually make it for women, and not for women to come and worship men,â the dreamy Tatum said, dreamily. âTo actually worship the women that are coming to the show and do something for them instead of just being like, itâs all about the dudes up there.â Tatum added that heâs âdefinitelyâ planning to participate in some of the showâs performances! âIâm absolutely going to at some point,â he said, and all was right with the world.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 6
And thereâs even more good news: The GOP is tearing itself apart, and Republicans are feasting on the corpses of their own! (If it werenât for that Magic Mike news, thisâd be the best thing weâve heard all week!) âPresident Trumpâs first term is ostensibly just warming up, but luminaries in his own party have begun what amounts to a shadow campaign for 2020,â writes the New York Times, reporting that Republican presidential wannabes are already planning their own campaignsâwith the assumption that Trumpâs presidency will fail. âThe sheer disarray surrounding this presidency... [has] prompted Republican officeholders to take political steps unheard-of so soon into a new administration,â the NY Times continues, noting that âin interviews with more than 75 Republicans at every level of the party, elected officials, donors and strategists expressed widespread uncertainty about whether Mr. Trump would be on the ballot in 2020 and little doubt that others in the party are engaged in barely veiled contingency planning.â MEANWHILE... As Republicans start to stab each other in the back, what are Democrats doing? Oh, you know, the usualâjust wandering around aimlessly and ineptly. With the Clintons probably summering in the Hamptons with their investment banker pals, and Bernie Sanders probably standing on a street corner shouting at no one, there doesnât seem to be anyone on the left whoâs capable of runningâlet alone winningâin 2020. And thus, dears, it is our solemn duty to proclaim that itâs time for us to support the one person we know can unseat Trump in 2020. Itâs time for us to cheer on the one person who can, and will, save America from itself! Itâs time for us all to get behind Channing Tatum! (Or for him to get behind us. That works too.)