MONDAY, AUGUST 28
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dearsâwhere we spend far too much time writing about clowns: the clowns in the White House fucking over our country, the clowns in Hollywood fucking each other, and, last and certainly least, professional clowns. With a new film adaptation of Stephen Kingâs killer-clown book It opening this weekend, self-proclaimed âlegitimate clownsâ are preparing for bad press thanks to âthe current epidemic of clown phobia (also known as coulrophobia),â writes the Hollywood Reporter. Noting that the âmenacing clown sightingsâ of 2016 âreally blindsidedâ the clown community, World Clown Association President Pam Moody says her organization has âcreated a press kit to prepare clownsâ for It. Titled âWCA STAND ON SCARY CLOWNS !!â (which is exactly what a depraved weirdo with a rubber nose would scrawl in crayon), the document claims âthe art of clown is something to be treasured and enjoyedââa demonstrably false statement that ignores the fact clowns are creepy and weird and should not be allowed to exist. (And before you say, âWait, Ann, isnât that a bit extreme?â we have three words for you: John Wayne Gacy.) In conclusion, It comes out this weekend, weâre not going to see it and neither should you, and real-life clowns deserve whatever they have coming. (Sorry, real-life clowns! We canât do anything about the ones in the White House or Hollywood, but we can do something about you.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 29
Speaking of clowns, pastor/huckster Joel Osteen caught flack this week for refusing to open his Houston megachurchâwhich can hold more than 16,000âto the victims of Hurricane Harvey. The slimy Osteen, who steals moronsâ money and looks like the unholy progeny of Benedict Cumberbatch and a greyhound, opened his $100 million Lakewood Church as a shelter only after other shelters had been open for days. âOur church doors have always been open,â Osteen lied on Today, not mentioning that Lakewoodâs doors had, in fact, been locked shut. âIn fact,â Osteen added, âwe took in people right when the stormââ Actually, know what? Letâs not let this guy say anything else. Houstonâs got enough to deal with. They donât need this guy too. IN RELATED NEWS... âPeople seeking safety from the flooding caused by Harvey were able to find refuge at Al-Salam mosque in northwest Houston,â reports NPR, noting all were welcome at the mosque when it opened its doors immediately after Harvey. âItâs really beautiful to see everyone helping together,â said Ania Charna, a neighbor who visited to volunteer. âThere was even a dog who was in bad condition and the owner couldnât walk. But the whole team was helping to calm the dog and de-stress her and dry her. Iâm Catholic and my husband is Jewish, but it is beyond all that.â
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30
âThough its breakneck development culture and lax regulatory environment have been lauded for giving working people affordable housingâand thus a shot at the American dreamâmany experts and residents say that the developersâ encroachment into the wetlands and prairies that used to serve Houston as natural sponges has inevitably exacerbated the misery that the city is suffering today,â reports the New York Times. âThere could have been ways to have more green space and more green infrastructure over the years, and it just didnât work out that way, because [development] was fast and furious,â civil and environmental engineering professor Phil Bedient tells the Times, adding Houston simply didnât plan for the kind of weather brought on by climate disruption. âItâs been known for years how to do it,â Bedient continued, âit just costs the developers more money to do it that way.â Well, itâs a good thing we donât have to worry about any more climate disruption, thenâand a good thing developers always do whatâs best for the community! Yep, Americaâs all set! Nothing to worry about at all.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 31
âIn April 2016, in a decision seen as a cultural victory for women and African Americans, former Treasury Secretary Jacob J. Lew announced plans to replace President Andrew Jackson, who was a slave owner, with [Harriet] Tubman on the front of the $20 bill,â writes the Los Angeles Times. And yet... today our current treasury secretary, Steve T. Mnuchin, âwould not commitâ to âfollowing throughâ with that plan. Huh! âRight now, weâve got a lot more important issues to focus on,â Mnuchin told CNBC, presumably referring to plans for Suicide Squad 2, a sequel to one of the many worthless films he financed before Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) gave him a job. âWeird,â tweeted New York Times editor Max Fisher, âhow some aspects of Civil War heritage are more important to preserve than others.â Heâs got a point! Why arenât Charlottesvilleâs khaki-clad history buffs protesting Mnuchinâs decision? Maybe they wanted to, but Target was all out of Tiki torches?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
And because this week is inspiring us to cram a rusty railroad spike into our ear, letâs break the cycle with some brainless GOSSIP NEWS YOU CAN (probably not) USE! In a revealing interview with Ryan Seacrest, former sparkling Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson disclosed two of his darkest secrets: When he first moved to Hollywood, he moved into studio housing and was assigned to live with no other than (wait for it) Dustin Diamond, AKA Screech from Saved by the Bell! And oh yes, thereâs more: According to the story, it was Screech who introduced Robert to the starâs favorite microwavable sandwich, Hot Pockets. (Thereâs nothing more to this story, other than maybe it was just an ad for Hot Pockets. However, there is this: Next time youâre masturbating to the image of a sparkling Robert Pattison, imagine him hanging out on a filthy futon with Screech eating a Hot Pocket. Then pick something else to masturbate about.) ITEM NUMBER 2: Scientists are investigating the remnants of a possible UFO... found near Taylor Swiftâs mansion! Tay-Tay owns beachfront property in the small coastal town of Westerly, Rhode Island, where residents were shocked to witness a strange, metallic eight-legged object wash up onshore near Swiftâs residence. The Westerly Sun reported it was âmore like the Mars Rover than anything that would be found in the bottom of the ocean.â However, because they are nothing if not buzzkills, scientists investigating the object think it is probably just a large broken piece of sea monitoring equipment. âI HATE YOU, SCIENCE!â squealed pop star and UFO enthusiast Taylor Swift upon hearing the hypothesis. âIâm pretty sure it was either Katy Perry or Kim Kardashian who hired you to say that! Expect the release of my newest revenge songâABOUT YOUâlater this week!â
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Speaking of betrayals from Katy Perry, the singer is getting sued for allegedly causing the loss of a womanâs toe! According to Stereogum, when the woman in question was a stagehand for Perryâs Prismatic tour, a large set piece rolled on top of her foot. Fellow workers offered her ice for the injury, but didnât call an ambulance. (You may want to look away for this next part.) Later a doctor informed her that the toe had become gangrenous and would have to eventually be amputatedâbut she should keep the dead toe for months! (EWWWWWWW! Okay, you can look back now.) Because of this emotional distress, the woman is suing Katy and Live Nation (the tourâs producers) as well as the production company. âIâve already written a revenge song for you,â a delighted Taylor Swift told the woman. âIt goes like this: âKatyâs stagehandâs toe canât come to the phone right now... because itâs DEAD!â Okay, fine, it needs work.â
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Need another mystery to go along with Taylor Swiftâs UFO and Katy Perryâs toe-amputating antics? Hereâs a real puzzler for you: CBS News reports that black smoke was pouring out of a chimney at the Russian consulate in San Francisco, because they were obviously burning something... on a 95-degree day... right before they were being evicted by the Trump administration. When firefighters responded to the smoke, they were turned away by Russians leaving the consulate who said that staff members were simply burning âunidentified items in a fireplace.â HMMM... could it be that the Russians were burning government secrets? Former FBI special agent Rick Smith thinks duh, yeah! âThere is finally the realization by the administration that Russians have been involved in intelligence operations at this consulate... for decades,â he told CBS News. âYes, or maybe the Russians were burning information about the UFO that washed up behind my mansion,â postulated Taylor Swift, who then screamed, âOR! OR! OR! Theyâre helping Katy Perry cover up her secret criminal toe-amputation ring! This Russia scandal goes deeper than any of us ever suspected!â