MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—Your Beacon of Hope Amidst Global Catastrophe™. (That’s a new tagline we’re trying out! Too grim?) Anyhoo, catastrophes! With Hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Irma (as well as disasters closer to home, like the Eagle Creek Fire) having their destructive effects magnified by climate change, we should probably talk about that, right? AND YET... “In Washington, where science is increasingly political,” writes the New York Times, “the fact that oceans and atmosphere are warming and that the heat is propelling storms into superstorms has become as sensitive as talking about gun control in the wake of a mass shooting.” As we briefly mentioned last week, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt told CNN that even acknowledging climate change is “insensitive.” “To have any kind of focus on the cause and effect of the storm versus helping people, or actually facing the effect of the storm, is misplaced,” Pruitt lied. “To use time and effort to address it at this point is very, very insensitive to this people in Florida.” Hey, Scotty, know what will hurt people’s feelings way more than saying “climate change”? The upcoming, climate change-enhanced hurricanes that, thanks to you, we aren’t adequately prepared for—the ones that will kill poor people, wipe out homes, and turn coastal America into a waterlogged wasteland. Want to talk about etiquette, Pruitt? Hurricane Irma and Hurricane Harvey killed over 100 people across Texas, Florida, the Bahamas, and more—and left millions without water, food, homes, jobs, and power. How insensitive of them.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
As Texas recovers from Hurricane Harvey (we’re picturing a shirtless Tim Riggins rebuilding houses, inspiring people by repeating “Texas forever” over and over, and okay, fine, everything we know about Texas comes from Friday Night Lights), let’s check on former presidential wannabe and current Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who’s been finding other ways to occupy his time. And by “other ways,” we mean “furiously masturbating as he squeezes shut his beady little eyes.” “The Texas senator woke up Tuesday to find his name trending on Twitter—linked overnight to a certain explicit video,” wrote the Washington Post, reporting that around midnight, someone using Cruz’s Twitter account (psst—PROBABLY TED CRUZ) favorited a porn tweet. “The video clip itself is just over two minutes, details of its contents mostly unprintable,” the Post continues. “It features a sectional sofa, the pornographic actress Cory Chase, her fictitious nude stepdaughter, and a very energetic young man.” “It was a staffing issue and it was inadvertent,” Cruz frantically told reporters. “It was a mistake.” We’re sure it was, honey, and please stop referring to your erection as a “staffing issue.” MEANWHILE... “So I hear I am trending with Ted Cruz,” tweeted Corey Chase. “I am literally in the dark with hardly any access to the internet world #OMG #hurricaneimra.”
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
“Donald Trump is a white supremacist who has largely surrounded himself w/ other white supremacists,” pointed out ESPN SportsCenter host Jemele Hill on Twitter this week, adding, “Trump is the most ignorant, offensive president of my lifetime. His rise is a direct result of white supremacy. Period,” and “Donald Trump is a bigot. Glad you could live with voting for him. I couldn’t, because I cared about more than just myself.” First, PREACH ON, JEMELE. Second... oh, goddammit, ESPN is gonna fire her, aren’t they? “I think that’s one of the more outrageous comments that anyone could make, and certainly something that I think is a fireable offense by ESPN,” morally bankrupt White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters, inspiring ESPN to take a rare break from glorifying long-term head injuries and weigh in. “The comments on Twitter from Jemele Hill regarding the President do not represent the position of ESPN,” the spineless sportsball channel mewled. “We have addressed this with Jemele and she recognizes her actions were inappropriate.” Pointing out ESPN’s “corporate cowardice,” sports site Deadspin pressed the issue. “An ESPN spokesperson wouldn’t elaborate on whether Hill faced any discipline beyond a conversation with her bosses,” Deadspin reported, adding Hill’s tweets were “pretty accurate and not at all inappropriate.” We agree! So Jemele—when you get tired of being lectured by ESPN, come cover sports for the Mercury! True, you may have to wear one of those horrible Timbers scarves (apologies in advance!), but we’ll never get mad at you for tweeting out facts.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Despite the horror this world brings, it’s a very good day when you read a Washington Post headline like this: “Martin Shkreli jailed after Facebook post about Hillary Clinton.” YAAAAAS! Shkreli is, of course, the walking piece of excrement who defrauded investors and jacked up prices on an AIDS medication 5,000 percent. (He also paid $2 million for the only known copy of a Wu-Tang Clan album... more hilarity on that later). Anyway, a federal judge revoked Shkreli’s $5 million bail after he offered his Facebook followers $5,000 to yank a strand of hair out of Hillary Clinton’s head during her book tour. Though the misogynistic shithead apologized, the judge was unmoved. “This is a solicitation of assault,” said US District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto. “That is not protected by the First Amendment.” BOOM! Shkreli was immediately sent to Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center—where MONSTERS LIKE HIM BELONG. Here’s hoping he rots there, because he’s a fucking loser piece of shit. OH, RELATED STORY: And if things weren’t already dire enough for Shkreli, he’s trying to sell the $2 million copy of the Wu-Tang Clan’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin on eBay—but here’s the thing: According to various members of the Clan who worked on the project, it’s not an actual, authorized Wu-Tang album, but a cobbled together work of random verses intended for a record by Cilvaringz. In short, Shkreli may never recoup his $2 million, and will most likely die alone, miserable, and in poverty. (At least that’s how our dream ends.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
What’s the only thing better than shade thrown by Martha Stewart? When the shade is thrown at Gwyneth Paltrow! On Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Martha fielded a viewer’s question about Gwyneth’s terrible lifestyle site, Goop (which, as we reported recently, is under investigation for alleged deceptive healthcare claims by the watchdog group, Truth in Advertising). When asked if Martha was happy about Goop being under investigation, the original lifestyle maven had a very succinct answer: “Who’s Goop?” Martha asked. Ahem... Gwyneth, dear? If it’s suddenly cold where you are, it’s because you’re standing in Martha Stewart’s shade. You may want to put on one of Goop’s “Peasant Sleeve” merino-wool sweaters ($625).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
And because our political climate has not yet reached peak insanity, the Juggalos marched on Washington, DC, today. Hundreds of Insane Clown Posse (ICP) fans invaded the Washington Mall to protest being designated a “violent street gang” by the FBI. (Other gangs on the FBI’s list include the Bloods and Crips.) As a result, some Juggalos say they’ve lost their jobs and have been unfairly persecuted. Though ICP appealed the FBI’s decision, arguing it was a “unconstitutionally vague designation,” the judge dismissed the lawsuit—hence today’s Washington rally complete with lots of Faygo and “whoop whoops.” According to the Toronto Star’s Daniel Dale on Twitter, one Juggalo speaker warned the crowd that if this type of persecution continues, Justin Bieber fans could be next—which inspired the face-painted crowd to start chanting, “Bie-ber! Bie-ber!” Another speaker, Juggalette Laura King, asked non-ICP fans to pledge their solidarity to help end Juggalo discrimination. “Today,” she said, “We are all clowns.” Since that’s the way Trump is making us feel nowadays... we’ll give a “whoop whoop” to that.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Tonight marked the annual Emmys, celebrating the year’s greatest television achievements, which included well-deserved awards for The Handmaid’s Tale (eerily prescient misogynist dystopia porn), Donald Glover (who won best comedy directing for Atlanta), and Lena Waithe (the first Black woman to win in the best comedy series writer category for Master of None). And while the near-constant jabs at President Trump were both welcome and necessary, there was a jarring moment when former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer rolled out on his lectern to announce that “This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period!” While it was certainly intended as a joke, many viewers were furious at this attempt to humanize Spicer, who may have quit the administration, but has yet to apologize for blatantly lying on daily basis for his white supremacist sympathizer of a boss. “Sean Spicer at the #Emmys?” tweeted Britt Julious. “Doesn’t take much for white men to be forgiven.” Or as Jamelle Bouie put it, “The degree to which Sean Spicer has faced no consequences is a glimpse into the post-Trump future.” Sooo... yeah. Maybe Spicer should hold off a while before starting his “normalization tour”—like maybe when Martin Shkreli gets out of jail?