MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dearsâand no, we still havenât seen Mother!, because honestly, the last thing 2017 needs is a two-hour avant-garde allegory that ends with a woman getting beaten to a pulp. However! That isnât stopping us from reading all the batshit interviews that star Jennifer Lawrence is givingâlike when she told MTV that Mother!âs crew built her a âKardashian tentâ where she could relax between takes! The tent contained, notes MTV, âphotos of Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe,â scented candles, âepisodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians that played on a loop,â and âlittle notes from the Kardashians that I had written, from them to me,â Lawrence explains, like a totally sane person. And while Lawrenceâs tent actually sounds worse than Mother!, thereâs more: The Kardashian-obsessed actress also insisted on telling co-star Javier Bardem all about the worldâs least talented family. âShe was laughing at me so hard,â Bardem told MTV. ââYou donât know who the Kardashians are?â Like she was talking to me about Einstein. âNo, I donât know who those people are,ââ Bardem replied. ââWho are them? Whatâs their planet? Where are they coming from? What do they want? Where is their spaceship?ââ Good questions, Javierâand we deeply envy your ignorance. IN OTHER J-LAW NEWS... âJennifer Lawrence sounds like a horrible person to be stuck on a plane with,â reports Vulture, citing an Entertainment Weekly interview in which Lawrence notes sheâs ârecently had problems with plane anxiety.â âIâm not afraid of the airplane, Iâm afraid of me on the airplane and losing control of myself,â Lawrence said, noting she once screamed, âWeâre going down! Itâs coming down!â on a flight that had minor turbulence, and that she âonce tried to jump out of an Air France flight.â âI canât believe I didnât get arrested,â Lawrence said. âI got really claustrophobic and I had to get out.â (Note to Air France: Maybe install some Kardashian tents on your planes?)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
Yesterday was nice, wasnât it? A pleasant return to what One Day at a Time used to be like, before the apocalypse, when we wrote about dumb celebrities being dumb. But now the real world intrudes, and we have to write about dumb presidents being dumb. :( âTrump Threatens to âTotally Destroyâ North Koreaâ was todayâs New York Times headlineâwhich, yes, is exactly the headline you were terrified youâd read one day. âIf the righteous many donât confront the wicked few, then evil will triumph,â bellowed Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, to the United Nations General Assembly. Trump also called Iran a ârogue nation,â declared North Korea a âband of criminals,â ranted about his âAmerica firstâ agenda, and fear-mongered up an âunthinkable loss of lifeâ should âRocket Manââhis name for North Korean despot Kim Jong-unâcontinue on a âsuicide mission.â THAT REMINDS US... The night Trump was elected, we did two things: We poured ourselves a very stiff martini (okay, fine, it was just a bottle of gin and an old can of black olives), and we said, out loud, calmly and clearly: âAnn, it will be okay. So long as this idiot doesnât get us into a nuclear war in the next four years, we should consider it a win.â At the time, we thought that was a pretty extreme possibility! At. The. Time. If youâll excuse us, we need to find another bottle of gin.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Republicans are trying to kill Obamacare againâand oh, how we wish that was the gin talking. Despite overwhelming disapproval from pretty much everyone, Republicans are attempting to push through another bill that would eliminate Americansâ health care. BUT WHY? âRepublicans are caught between a rock and a hard place,â CNN explains. âThe rock is seven years of near-constant campaign promises that the first thing they would do if given full power in Washington is repeal and replace Obamacare. To not make good on the promiseâwith total control of Washington and no one to blameâwould be, in the minds of many Republican elected officials, a complete betrayal of their base, with potentially disastrous consequences on the ballot.â âRepublicans campaigned on this so often that you have a responsibility to carry out what you said in the campaign,â Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley admitted to reporters. âThatâs pretty much as much of a reason as the substance of the bill.â Thereâs another pressure, too: money. Pointing to a âbacklash from big donorsâ who are âfuriousâ over Republicansâ ineptitude, the New York Times notes that donations to Republican candidates have plummetedâleaving the GOP âincreasingly worried about having the funds they needâ with rich donors holding back checks until they see results. So those are the reasons Republicans are trying to destroy the health and lives of countless Americans. Not a single one of them has anything to do with health care.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
Hurricane Maria is (so far) responsible for two things: crippling Puerto Rico with winds so ferocious it killed at least 10 people, knocked out communication and power (possibly for months), and destroyed 80 percent of the islandâs crops. Hurricane Mariaâs second tragedy? It RUINED Melissa Joan Hartâs vacation! âAnd just like that, our family vacation is canceled,â the former Sabrina the Teenage Witch star whined on Instagram. âSuch a bummer but we plan to hit the @nickresortpuntacana resort [in nearby Dominican Republic] another time this year.â Us Weekly reports that this isnât the first time Melissa has posted tone-deaf nonsenseâlike the time she promoted her clothing line on the 14th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. âFree shipping in honor of the victims, families & first responders of 9/11,â Melissa posted on Twitter. UGH! On the upside, at least that poor, damaged resort wonât have to listen to Melissa complain about how her frozen coconut pineapple margarita isnât slushy enough.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Guys! Calm down. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is doing everything in his power to turn his festering viper pit of a social media site into a place that doesnât swing elections for orange-hued racists at the behest of Russian oligarchs. Sure, Zuckerberg ignored President Obamaâs direct warnings that Russian troll farms were buying Facebook ads to influence the presidential election in swing states. But heâs definitely doing something about itânine months after Trump was elected. According to the Washington Post, Zuckerberg announced he will finally cooperate with Congress and hand over information about 470 fake Russian accounts and more than 3,000 ads intended to manipulate public sentiment against Hillary Clinton. âI care deeply about the democratic process and protecting its integrity,â said Zuckerberg, who values profits over the democratic process and integrity. âIt is a new challenge [a challenge he was warned about BY THE PRESIDENT last year] for internet communities to deal with nation states attempting to subvert elections. But if thatâs what we must do, we are committed to rising to the occasion.â So yeah, expect big changes on Facebook... by, say 2028?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
As you know, One Day at a Time loves sick burns. And todayâs burn du jour comes from an unexpected source: North Koreaâs missile-happy leader, Kim Jong-Un! Rewind to Tuesdayâs entry, in which President Trump called Kim a âRocket Manâ on a âsuicide mission,â subtly adding that if push came to shove, America would âtotally destroy North Korea.â Apparently, however, North Koreaâs âsick burnâ technology is much further along than anyone realized, because Kim hopped on national television to say, âI will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged US dotard with fire.â DOTARD! This insult undoubtedly had Trump falling over himself in search of the office dictionary (left behind by the Obama administration) to discover what a âdotardâ is. (Psst! Itâs an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile. OUCH!) Trump attempted to clap back on Twitter, calling Kim âa madman,â but... too weak, and too late! Kim Jong-Un has coined the âBye Feliciaâ insult of 2017, which leaves Trump with nothing to do but search for some salve for that wicked, sick burn. (By the way, stocking up on salve isnât a terrible idea, because... you know... impending nuclear holocaust.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Oh, and speaking of dotards: On Friday, the president was in Alabama giving one of his boisterous, racist dog-whistle speeches to a crowd of slack-jawed, drooling, willfully ignorant supporters when he said, âWouldnât you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, âGet that son of a bitch off the field right now.ââ Trump was referring to players (like Colin Kaepernick) who take a knee during the national anthem to draw attention to the continuing fatal police shootings of unarmed Black men. The president also made time to disrespect women (again) by using the gendered epithet âbitchââand while disgusting, you have to admit his endless ability to cram both racism and misogyny into a single sentence is pretty impressive. Flash forward to todayâs games, when NFL teams across the country responded to the presidentâs race-baiting by taking a knee, locking arms, or refusing to even come out of the locker room during the national anthem. When asked why he chose to kneel during one of todayâs games, Miami Dolphins Michael Thomas told reporters, âIâve got a daughter, and sheâs going to have to live in this world. And I gotta do what I got to do to make sure she can look at her dad and be like, âHey, you did something to try and make a change.ââ And thatâs probably something a racist, woman-hating dotard will never understand.