MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where... oh god. Everythingâs still awful! Weâre sorry! This week began with news that the Virginia cyclist who was photographed last month flipping off the presidential motorcade of Donald Trump (who, lest we forget, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) just got fired for doing so. (Ah, America! Where âfreedom of speechâ is a nice thought, but not so much a reality.) Juli Briskmanâwho works as a marketing analyst for a company that oversees government contractorsâwent in to talk to her human resources department once her image went viral. âI went in and I said: âHave you heard about the bike woman?ââ Briskman told NYT. âItâs me.â Annnd the very next day? âWe have chosen to separate from you,â Briskman said one of her employers told her, using the cold, clinical phrase weâve used with no fewer than four exes. (What? It works!) Juli, weâll admit the Mercury isnât currently looking for a marketing analystâbut weâre always looking for someone whoâs really good at flipping off Trump! Please contact our human resources department immediately! (Please note: The Portland Mercuryâs âhuman resources departmentâ is âwhatever intern weâve tasked with stocking the edibles drawer.â Right now itâs Chester!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
Today was Election Day, and while this particular election meant fuckall for Portland voters (as evidenced by Chesterâs failed write-in campaign to elect himself mayor, which got one vote), elections elsewhere in the country were a bigger deal: Danica Roem âmade history Tuesday night,â reported Vox, by âbecoming the first openly transgender person to be elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.â Roem, 32, trounced 73-year-old Bob Marshallâan idiot who proposed Virginiaâs discriminatory âbathroom bill,â an idiot who refused to call Roem âshe,â and an idiot who refused to even debate her. Congrats, Danica! (And Bob? Weâll tell you what we tell all bigoted, fear-stricken geriatrics: Thanks in advance for dying off soon, thus making the world better for the rest of us.) MEANWHILE... âVoters delivered their first forceful rebuke of President Trump and his party on Tuesday night, with Democrats exploiting Mr. Trumpâs deep unpopularity to capture the governorships in Virginia and New Jersey and make significant inroads into suburban communities that once favored the Republican Party,â reports the NYT! While itâs worth savoring these victories, itâs also worth keeping them in perspective: For the next three years, Trump and his cronies will lie, cheat, and steal to hold onto powerâand todayâs victories aside, the ever-confused Democrats have yet to find anyone in their ranks who is charismatic, smart, and driven enough for voters to unite behind. Hey! Michelle Obamaâs not doing much these days, right? Can someone get us her number?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8
Or maybe Drake? Yeah, Drake could run for office! Oh. Wait. âDrake has announced his intention to âtake six months or a year to myself,ââ writes the Fader, adding that Drakeâs plans include getting back into acting (âI want to do things that make people go âWow, I didnât expect that,ââ said the former Degrassi: The Next Generation star) and... wait for it... collecting Harry Potter books. âFor the past four years, he has been chasing a first edition of Harry Potter and the Sorcererâs Stone, and itâs finally on the market for $160,000,â writes the Hollywood Reporter. âYeah, I read them all,â Drake told the Reporter, with âtwo tiny diamond glinting from his front teeth as he breaks into a wide smile.â âI should get it,â Drake said of the super-expensive nerd book. âMy birthdayâs coming up. Maybe Iâll buy it for myself as a treat.â Hey, Democrats, you paying attention? Because a Drake/J.K. Rowling ticket in 2020 would be unbeatable. (And before some insufferable know-it-all points out Drake is Canadian and Rowling is British: Our current president is a sexually assaulting Nazi sympathizer whoâs only managed to not blow up the world due to dumb luck. If he can scam his way into office, weâre pretty sure Drake and Rowling can get in! Especially since she knows magic!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Speaking of abusive pigs... while weâre thrilled by the exposure and firing of the many sexually assaulting monsters of Hollyweird, itâd be nice to take a wee break and recoup, donâtcha think? Because weâre getting a little... WAIT. This just in from the Hollywood Reporter: âLouis C.K.âs Movie Premiere Canceled in Advance of N.Y. Times Story.â Oh, oh... but hey! Maybe itâs just a terrible NYT review or something, and... NOPE! This just in from NYT: âLouis C.K. is Accused by 5 Women of Sexual Misconduct.â The NYT story backs up years of rumors that Louie had a penchant for masturbating in front of unsuspecting female comics. As you know, this non-consensual masturbation thing is quite popular amongst Hollyweirdâs top sexual abusersâperhaps due to toxic male insecurity, which runs so deep theyâve actually eroticized the revulsion theyâve come to expect from women. Regardless, BLECH! AND FUCK YOU TOO, LOUIS C.K.! Hopefully heâll have enough self-awareness to craft an appropriate apolo... NOPE! âThese stories are true,â Louis said in a statement. âThe power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.â While Louisâ apology started off on the right track, he neglected to include the two words every âIâm sorryâ statement should include: âIâM SORRY.â But we get why he didnât: He loves masturbating in front of people without consentâand did so in front of his largest audience yet. (Ugh. Pass us a wet wipe, dears.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10

And because there was too much sexual abuse crammed into yesterday, the grotesque actions of grotesque men are spilling over into today. Hours after yesterdayâs Louis C.K. revelation, the Washington Post came out with a meticulously researched story about Alabama GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore and the 14-year-old girl he allegedly had a sexual relationship with while in his 30s. EWWWWWWWW! When are the EWWS going to stop?! Apparently not yet, because as of press time, four women have come forward to accuse Moore of underage sexual impropriety, and others will surely follow. It should be noted, that even without these horrific allegationsâwhich he denied while admitting heâs dated teenagers in the past [WHAT? AND EWW!]âRoy Moore is an especially rancid example of human garbage. As a circuit court judge he refused to take down a Ten Commandments plaque from behind his benchâand encouraged praying in his courtroom. As Alabama chief justice, Moore ordered other judges to ignore the US Supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage, comparing âhomosexual conductâ to bestiality. And despite all facts to the contrary, he continues to question whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States. Roy Moore isnât just your normal everyday GOP garbageâheâs the runny, rancid, maggot-filled garbage juice slushing around the bottom of your compost bin. (And even that statement isnât as EWW! as he is.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11
For every bag of sexist, male garbage that appears, a woman is usually tasked with taking it out. According to Page Six, Wonder Womanâs Gal Godot is taking serious steps to eradicate Hollyweird harassment, reportedly telling Warner Bros. sheâll refuse to portray the Amazonian goddess again unless alleged harasser/producer Brett Ratner is permanently removed from the franchise. Ratner has been accused by several actresses (such as Olivia Munn and Natasha Henstridge) of sexual abuse, including, but not limited to, forced oral sex, and (grooooanâas usual), non-consensual masturbation. A source tells Page Six, â[Gal] knows that Warner Bros. has to side with her on this issue as it develops. They canât have a movie rooted in womenâs empowerment being part-financed by a man accused of sexual misconduct against women.â And while weâd rather see the Amazonian warriors of Themyscira beat down and dismember Ratner in a slow, practiced fashion... thisâll do in a pinch.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12

One more quickie about human garbage slushie Roy Moore: After Fox News anti-personality Sean Hannity defended Moore this week, advertisers began pulling their money from the show. However, one advertiserâKeurig, the maker of environmentally gross coffee makersâhas been a particular target of Hannity fans, who are boycotting the company and recording themselves smashing or similarly destroying their Keurigs. âLiberals are offended by this video of a Keurig being thrown off a building,â one Hannity fan tweeted. âPlease retweet to offend a liberal. #BoycottKeurig.â Hope no one minds, but Iâm going to speak for all liberals in this one instance: Dear Hannity fansâyouâre funny. Please, smash all the Keurigs you want, we sincerely do not give a shit. While weâre not exactly sure why supporting an accused child molester involves beating up coffee machines, weâll happily donate the unused Keurig our mother-in-law gave us last Christmas. Have fun, dummies!