CARNIVAL CREEPER Mark Wilson / GETTY IMAges

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where... ugh. Let’s just get into it, shall we? Today a second woman came forward to accuse Senator Al Franken of assault. Lindsay Menz tells CNN that she attended the Minnesota State Fair in 2010—“almost two years after Franken was elected to the Senate,” CNN notes—where the comedian-turned-senator groped her, leaving her feeling “uncomfortable” and “gross.” MEANWHILE... Men are STILL terrible! “Jeffrey Tambor, the star of the Amazon series Transparent, will not return for the show’s fifth season after two women accused him of sexual misconduct,” writes the New York Times. Tambor—who won awards for his portrayal of a transgender woman on Transparent—allegedly “sexually harassed and groped” his former assistant, Van Barnes, as well as one of his costars, Trace Lysette, both of whom are transgender. Okay, we give up! Maybe it’s time for an asteroid to destroy the planet? HEY, LOOK AT THAT... Astronomers recently observed “an intriguing asteroid that zipped through the solar system... the first confirmed object from another star,” says NASA! The space dweebs added that the huge asteroid had “been wandering through the Milky Way for hundreds of millions of years.” For the intergalactic perspective, we turn to Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII! “You’re right, Ann!” Klaktu proclaimed over holo-chat, wriggling his oozing tentacles with glee. “Earth is a dumpster fire. Let me recalibrate my plasma-thrusters and I’ll send that asteroid straight at your garbage planet!” Thanks, Klaktu. It’s better than we deserve.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Oh, for fuck’s sake. “Disney Animation head John Lasseter is taking a leave from Pixar after acknowledging ‘painful’ conversations and unspecified ‘missteps,’” writes the Hollywood Reporter, quoting a longtime Pixar employee as saying Lasseter is known for “grabbing, kissing, making comments about physical attributes.” Meanwhile, Rashida Jones and Will McCormack—who helped write Pixar’s Toy Story 4—told the Reporter they stopped working with the studio because of its “culture where women and people of color do not have an equal creative voice.” Okay, great. So even Pixar is ruined now? Fantastic. MEANWHILE... “CBS and PBS suspended Charlie Rose, the TV-news veteran... after he was accused of sexually harassing eight women,” writes Variety. Okay, great. So even PBS is ruin—THIS JUST IN! “Ann, I’m still calibrating these dumb plasma-thrusters,” Klaktu said. “But holy shit! Charlie Rose? The Pixar guy? Hey, maybe instead of writing about all the men who are sexual predators, you should just make a list of the ones who aren’t. You could fit it on a Post-it note!”

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

And in a welcome break from shitty men, we come to... well, a different kind of terrible news. Sorry! “The Federal Communications Commission released a plan on Tuesday to dismantle landmark regulations that ensure equal access to the internet, clearing the way for internet service companies to charge users more to see certain content and to curb access to some websites,” writes the New York Times. The move is all but certain to cost Americans both financially and intellectually, with access to everything from Netflix to the news subject to corporate whims. “Under the new plan,” NYT writes, “broadband providers will be able to block access, slow down, or speed up service for [their] business partners”—a pay-to-play process that undermines the fundamental democracy of the internet. (Oh! And in case you were wondering what’s taking Klaktu so damn long with those plasma-thrusters, he’s got his tentacles full trying to keep Al Franken from grabbing his eye-stalks.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Today is Thanksgiving, and we’re grateful for two things: a delicious, gut-imploding meal and our 15-year-old niece Deidra boisterously reminding our extended family that this holiday celebrates genocide. (See? There is hope for the world, and it’s arrived in the form of the “woke female teen.”) And lest we forget, Thanksgiving is also the official kickoff for the annual “War on Christmas” festivities! As you know, Starbucks has a yearly tradition of trolling Christian conservatives with their holiday coffee cups. In the past, pin-headed preachers and blustering GOP bullies (hi, Bill O’Reilly) have screamed about the cups for excluding holiday details such as Baby Jesus, Christmas trees, and imprisoned homeless people. However, this year’s cup was the straw that broke the nativity camel’s back: Though it features wrapped gifts, a decorated tree, and even a DOVE for chrissakes, the cup also includes (wait for it...) gender-neutral hand-holding! So why are Christian conservatives calling to #BoycottStarbucks? Because, as it says in Corinthians 6:11, “And the Lord shall spite those who holdeth hands, unless they are of the manicured and hairy knuckle variety.” But don’t worry, this non-controversy will end as it began: Starbucks will profit from using diversity as a marketing ploy, and fundamentalist Christians will scream in a futile effort to save their dying religion (while sucking down Starbucks in secret). See? Everybody’s happy.

MOORE SHAME POOL / GETTY IMAges

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24

In his ongoing effort to shoot himself and his party in the foot, Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by an embarrassing 2,864,974 votes) continues to voice his support for an accused pedophile. “He says it didn’t happen,” Trump told reporters about Alabama senate candidate/teenage creeper Roy Moore, who has been accused of sexual harassment and abuse by EIGHT women. While the White House denied that Trump is endorsing anyone in the race, the president did have a few words to say about Moore’s opponent, Doug Jones, on Twitter. “Can’t let Schumer/Pelosi win this race,” Trump cyber-squealed later this weekend. “Liberal Jones would be BAD!” By the way, “Liberal” Jones currently leads the race with a healthy eight points over the grotesque Moore, who, if he loses, would trim the Senate Republican majority to just one seat. Meanwhile, Trump is seemingly fine with dashing the GOP’s hopes and dreams in order to placate his hate-mongering base. This brings us to the number-one gift on our holiday wish list: Trump and the GOP feasting on each other’s entrails, while Roy Moore is kicked to death by his victims and one thousand woke teenage girls. We’d also like an Hermès bag. Is that too much to ask?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Waitasecond. We were under the impression that the majority of Americans agree on one principle: If one sees a Nazi, one punches them. So color us surprised that the New York Times published a lengthy profile today on an unknown American Nazi (who they call a “far right extremist” but fuck that—he’s a fucking Nazi), describing him in disturbingly normal terms. The reporter waxed poetic about the Nazi’s “muffin pan” and “pineapple slicer,” as well as his love of Seinfeld, Olive Garden, and—oh, yeah—white separatism. “There are times when it can feel toxic to openly identify as a far right extremist in the Ohio of 2017,” the NYT wrote, giving this previously no-name shithead Nazi a national stage on which to present his hateful views. Following an avalanche of negative feedback, NYT apologized for this Nazi puff piece—but did not explain why their reporter didn’t immediately knock every tooth out of that hate-monger’s head. In short, NYT, you really buried the lede.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26

What say we depart this week on a positive note—that comes from a verrrrrry unexpected source? Last week the internet lit up over the case of sex trafficking victim Cyntoia Brown who, at 16 years old, was sentenced to 60 years in jail for murdering the man who enslaved and abused her. A grave injustice, for sure—but a savior has come forward by the name of... KIM KARDASHIAN?!? “The system has failed,” Kim wrote on Twitter after hearing of the woman’s plight. “It’s heart breaking to see a young girl sex trafficked [and] when she has the courage to fight back is jailed for life! I’ve called my attorneys yesterday to see what can be done to fix this.” And she actually did! According to the Blast, Kim has secured top-notch criminal defense attorney Shawn Holley, who has committed to help secure Cyntoia’s release. KIM. DOLL. We admit to saying some unflattering things about you in the past (most of which were deserved and you know it), but after exposing Taylor Swift as a liar, and now this? We’re finally ready to accept your invitation to lunch... at LA’s trendy Vespertine... we’ll have the lobster. Maybe a wee shopping spree to follow?