
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where... ugh. Letâs just get into it, shall we? Today a second woman came forward to accuse Senator Al Franken of assault. Lindsay Menz tells CNN that she attended the Minnesota State Fair in 2010ââalmost two years after Franken was elected to the Senate,â CNN notesâwhere the comedian-turned-senator groped her, leaving her feeling âuncomfortableâ and âgross.â MEANWHILE... Men are STILL terrible! âJeffrey Tambor, the star of the Amazon series Transparent, will not return for the showâs fifth season after two women accused him of sexual misconduct,â writes the New York Times. Tamborâwho won awards for his portrayal of a transgender woman on Transparentâallegedly âsexually harassed and gropedâ his former assistant, Van Barnes, as well as one of his costars, Trace Lysette, both of whom are transgender. Okay, we give up! Maybe itâs time for an asteroid to destroy the planet? HEY, LOOK AT THAT... Astronomers recently observed âan intriguing asteroid that zipped through the solar system... the first confirmed object from another star,â says NASA! The space dweebs added that the huge asteroid had âbeen wandering through the Milky Way for hundreds of millions of years.â For the intergalactic perspective, we turn to Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII! âYouâre right, Ann!â Klaktu proclaimed over holo-chat, wriggling his oozing tentacles with glee. âEarth is a dumpster fire. Let me recalibrate my plasma-thrusters and Iâll send that asteroid straight at your garbage planet!â Thanks, Klaktu. Itâs better than we deserve.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21
Oh, for fuckâs sake. âDisney Animation head John Lasseter is taking a leave from Pixar after acknowledging âpainfulâ conversations and unspecified âmissteps,ââ writes the Hollywood Reporter, quoting a longtime Pixar employee as saying Lasseter is known for âgrabbing, kissing, making comments about physical attributes.â Meanwhile, Rashida Jones and Will McCormackâwho helped write Pixarâs Toy Story 4âtold the Reporter they stopped working with the studio because of its âculture where women and people of color do not have an equal creative voice.â Okay, great. So even Pixar is ruined now? Fantastic. MEANWHILE... âCBS and PBS suspended Charlie Rose, the TV-news veteran... after he was accused of sexually harassing eight women,â writes Variety. Okay, great. So even PBS is ruinâTHIS JUST IN! âAnn, Iâm still calibrating these dumb plasma-thrusters,â Klaktu said. âBut holy shit! Charlie Rose? The Pixar guy? Hey, maybe instead of writing about all the men who are sexual predators, you should just make a list of the ones who arenât. You could fit it on a Post-it note!â
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
And in a welcome break from shitty men, we come to... well, a different kind of terrible news. Sorry! âThe Federal Communications Commission released a plan on Tuesday to dismantle landmark regulations that ensure equal access to the internet, clearing the way for internet service companies to charge users more to see certain content and to curb access to some websites,â writes the New York Times. The move is all but certain to cost Americans both financially and intellectually, with access to everything from Netflix to the news subject to corporate whims. âUnder the new plan,â NYT writes, âbroadband providers will be able to block access, slow down, or speed up service for [their] business partnersââa pay-to-play process that undermines the fundamental democracy of the internet. (Oh! And in case you were wondering whatâs taking Klaktu so damn long with those plasma-thrusters, heâs got his tentacles full trying to keep Al Franken from grabbing his eye-stalks.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Today is Thanksgiving, and weâre grateful for two things: a delicious, gut-imploding meal and our 15-year-old niece Deidra boisterously reminding our extended family that this holiday celebrates genocide. (See? There is hope for the world, and itâs arrived in the form of the âwoke female teen.â) And lest we forget, Thanksgiving is also the official kickoff for the annual âWar on Christmasâ festivities! As you know, Starbucks has a yearly tradition of trolling Christian conservatives with their holiday coffee cups. In the past, pin-headed preachers and blustering GOP bullies (hi, Bill OâReilly) have screamed about the cups for excluding holiday details such as Baby Jesus, Christmas trees, and imprisoned homeless people. However, this yearâs cup was the straw that broke the nativity camelâs back: Though it features wrapped gifts, a decorated tree, and even a DOVE for chrissakes, the cup also includes (wait for it...) gender-neutral hand-holding! So why are Christian conservatives calling to #BoycottStarbucks? Because, as it says in Corinthians 6:11, âAnd the Lord shall spite those who holdeth hands, unless they are of the manicured and hairy knuckle variety.â But donât worry, this non-controversy will end as it began: Starbucks will profit from using diversity as a marketing ploy, and fundamentalist Christians will scream in a futile effort to save their dying religion (while sucking down Starbucks in secret). See? Everybodyâs happy.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24
In his ongoing effort to shoot himself and his party in the foot, Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by an embarrassing 2,864,974 votes) continues to voice his support for an accused pedophile. âHe says it didnât happen,â Trump told reporters about Alabama senate candidate/teenage creeper Roy Moore, who has been accused of sexual harassment and abuse by EIGHT women. While the White House denied that Trump is endorsing anyone in the race, the president did have a few words to say about Mooreâs opponent, Doug Jones, on Twitter. âCanât let Schumer/Pelosi win this race,â Trump cyber-squealed later this weekend. âLiberal Jones would be BAD!â By the way, âLiberalâ Jones currently leads the race with a healthy eight points over the grotesque Moore, who, if he loses, would trim the Senate Republican majority to just one seat. Meanwhile, Trump is seemingly fine with dashing the GOPâs hopes and dreams in order to placate his hate-mongering base. This brings us to the number-one gift on our holiday wish list: Trump and the GOP feasting on each otherâs entrails, while Roy Moore is kicked to death by his victims and one thousand woke teenage girls. Weâd also like an Hermès bag. Is that too much to ask?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Waitasecond. We were under the impression that the majority of Americans agree on one principle: If one sees a Nazi, one punches them. So color us surprised that the New York Times published a lengthy profile today on an unknown American Nazi (who they call a âfar right extremistâ but fuck thatâheâs a fucking Nazi), describing him in disturbingly normal terms. The reporter waxed poetic about the Naziâs âmuffin panâ and âpineapple slicer,â as well as his love of Seinfeld, Olive Garden, andâoh, yeahâwhite separatism. âThere are times when it can feel toxic to openly identify as a far right extremist in the Ohio of 2017,â the NYT wrote, giving this previously no-name shithead Nazi a national stage on which to present his hateful views. Following an avalanche of negative feedback, NYT apologized for this Nazi puff pieceâbut did not explain why their reporter didnât immediately knock every tooth out of that hate-mongerâs head. In short, NYT, you really buried the lede.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26
What say we depart this week on a positive noteâthat comes from a verrrrrry unexpected source? Last week the internet lit up over the case of sex trafficking victim Cyntoia Brown who, at 16 years old, was sentenced to 60 years in jail for murdering the man who enslaved and abused her. A grave injustice, for sureâbut a savior has come forward by the name of... KIM KARDASHIAN?!? âThe system has failed,â Kim wrote on Twitter after hearing of the womanâs plight. âItâs heart breaking to see a young girl sex trafficked [and] when she has the courage to fight back is jailed for life! Iâve called my attorneys yesterday to see what can be done to fix this.â And she actually did! According to the Blast, Kim has secured top-notch criminal defense attorney Shawn Holley, who has committed to help secure Cyntoiaâs release. KIM. DOLL. We admit to saying some unflattering things about you in the past (most of which were deserved and you know it), but after exposing Taylor Swift as a liar, and now this? Weâre finally ready to accept your invitation to lunch... at LAâs trendy Vespertine... weâll have the lobster. Maybe a wee shopping spree to follow?