MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Who knew Canadians were so picky about who they let in? For a little over a year now, dears, weâve been frantically searching Canadaâs immigration website, looking for any way that theyâll let us in. Alas, Canadians are too polite to read snarky gossip columns, so weâre out of luck. :( But! Letâs take a sec to celebrate someone who did escape Trumpâs America: Meghan Markle! Markle, an American actress best known for her roles on Suits and Fringe, is engaged to Prince Harry, a Brit best known as âfifth in line for the throneâ and âthe ginger one.â âIn many ways, Markleâs upcoming entry into the UKâs Monarchy is radical: Sheâs a biracial American self-described feminist who has advocated for women and people of color on and off screen,â Jill Filipovic wrote for CNNâbefore lamenting that, despite Markleâs claims that she wants to continue focusing on the causes important to her, âthe royal familyâs requirement that such efforts be depoliticized means that advocacy canât be particularly effective.â True! But on the other hand: She gets to go live in a palace, and that palace is not in America. So congrats, Meg! Sail across that pond and donât look back! (Confidential to Princess Meghan: So... if thereâs anyone else in the royal family looking to import a bride? Weâd appreciate it ever so much if youâd drop the name of your old BFF Ann! Mwah!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Another week, another bunch of men who are terrible! So, whoâs been accused of sexual harassment and/or assault this week? Well, first thereâs Garrison Keillor, the babbling monument to senility whoâs been doing his best to destroy NPR for centuries, and then thereâs Matt Lauer, the Today host who... um, also hosted the Olympics, we think? Lauer got the axe after one of his victims came forward with what her lawyer noted was âcredible allegations of sexual misconduct in the workplace,â while Minnesota Public Radio dumped Keillor at the nearest retirement home after he was âaccused of inappropriate behavior with someone who worked with him,â says NPR. Keillor, who never knows when to shut the fuck upâas anyone whoâs ever suffered through A Prairie Home Companion can attestâpromptly started claiming he was the one who got harassed! Mm-hmm. Sure. âIf I had a dollar for every woman who asked to take a selfie with me and who slipped an arm around me and let it drift down below the beltline,â the 75-year-old lied to Minnesotaâs Star Tribune, âIâd have at least a hundred dollars.â All together now: VOMIT. Well, on the upside, at least itâs only two creeps this week, and thank god, people are finally listening to victiâTHIS JUST IN! âFantastic Beasts director defends keeping Johnny Depp,â reports Entertainment Weekly, writing that longtime Harry Potter director David Yates is standing by his casting of Depp in the next Harry Potter movie, despite âblowback against the film on social media due to Deppâs ex-wife Amber Heard making domestic violence accusations against the actor.â FOR THE WIZARDING PERSPECTIVE... We turn to our fellow gossip columnist, the Daily Prophetâs Rita Skeeter! âSorry, sweetie,â Rita told us via owl post. âYou know Iâd love to comment, but Iâm chasing down some rather troubling allegations regarding Dobby the House Elf!â Wow. Even Dobby, dears. Even Dobby.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Despite controlling the House, the Senate, and the tattered remnants of the presidency (though, to be fair, their repugnant candidate did lose the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), Republicans have had a hell of a time accomplishing anything in the past yearâwith one exception. When it comes to exploiting and damaging the environment, theyâve been on it... something thatâs likely to continue. âEnvironmental activists and their allies in Congress... are on the cusp of forever losing the decades-long political battleâ over oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, reports the New York Timesâbecause hidden inside the GOPâs new tax bill is a provision that would allow drilling in the refuge. âIs this too sacred a ground to be disturbed by oil and gas drilling? Itâs a question of what we are willing to accept as a society,â Mark Myers, formerly of the Alaska Department of Natural Resources and the United States Geological Survey, told NYT. Alas, Republicans need every vote they can get to pass their stupid tax billâincluding that of Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski. âRight now, Lisa Murkowski may well represent the 50th vote, and that puts her in the driver seat to ask for whatever she wants,â says Niel Lawrence of the Natural Resources Defense Council. âThe things she seems to want most is opening the Arctic refuge.â Meanwhile, the thing we wanted most was to live on a planet where just one spot wasnât an oil-slicked environmental disaster. Apparently our hopes were too high.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Before embarking on this weekendâs roller coaster ride through hell, itâs time for a One Day at a Time Palate Cleanser⢠to partially remove the taste of garbage from your mouths (implanted by terrible, garbage men). Earlier this summer, an all-girl robotics team from Afghanistan was temporarily denied visas to the US to participate in a Washington, DC competitionâbecause... RACIST GARBAGE MEN. Well, clap your hands together, because this same team of whip-smart young ladies just won the Entrepreneurial Challenge at the Robotex festival in Estonia. Their task was to develop a marketable robotic prototype that would solve a real-world problem, and their winning entry was brilliant: a robot that uses solar energy to help small-scale farmers in their fields. WHAT? YES! According to Said T. Jawad, Afghanistanâs ambassador to the UK, these girls are âan excellent example for people around the world of what can be accomplished by young Afghans if given the right support and the opportunity to excel in their education.â Yayyy! A thousand high fives for these young women (AKA the saviors of tomorrow)! Did you enjoy that story? Good. We now return you to the Terrible Garbage Men... already in progress.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1
Okay, remember that weekend roller coaster ride through hell we promised earlier? Allllll Aboaarrrrrd! âMichael Flynn pleads guilty to lying to FBI on contacts with Russian ambassador,â writes the Washington Post. (HURRAH!) But later.... âSenate Republicans Pass Sweeping Tax Billâ reads the headline from the New York Times. (Oh fuck, weâre going to lose our health care, while rich people continue snorting cocaine off sex workersâ bottoms.) But first things first: Flynnâs guilty plea means (a) special counsel Robert Muellerâs Russia/Trump investigation just took a big step forward, and (b) baaaaad news for the president (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) and his sunken-chested âMini Meâ son-in-law Jared Kushner. To convince Flynn to squeal on those above him, Mueller is only holding the former national security adviser accountable for one crime (lying to the FBI about chitty-chatting with the Russian ambassador) instead of several very serious potential crimes. Such as? Oh, just that he and son Michael Flynn Jr. helped plan the kidnapping of a Muslim cleric from his home in the US, in exchange for $15 million from the Turkish government, according to the Wall Street Journal. WHAAAAAT? So... yeah! If Mueller was willing to drop a kidnapping charge in order to get info on the Trump team? This little piggy is going to have plenty to squeal about. Stay tuned! (Claps hands excitedly!)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2
And oh... yeah, almost forgot: The Senate GOP puked down the front of Americaâs shirt today by passing their tax bill designed to throw money at large corporations and rich kids, while stiffing the working class, increasing the national debt by $1 trillion, and cutting health insurance for 13 million people. But at least they put a lot of thoughtful consideration behind it and allowed Democrats plenty of time toâNOPE! âIs that a crossout?â tweeted Democratic Sen. Robert Menendez of New Jersey, pointing at a pencil-scribbled page of the massive document. âIs this page part of the bill? WHY AM I ASKING THESE QUESTIONS HOURS BEFORE WE VOTE ON IT??â And yet vote on it the Senate did, in the wee hours of this morning, passing it 51 to 49 almost entirely along party lines. And yet hereâs more proof that the GOP HATES YOU: After Republicans doubled the exemptions for those making more than $5.5 million (because they need it so desperately), GOP Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley told the Des Moines Register it was deserved, because rich people are the ones doing all the investing, while people like YOU are âspending every darn penny they have, whether itâs on booze or women or movies.â Or rent, or food, or heat, or water, or the insurance theyâve just taken away from 13 million. Oh, and Xanax, of course! (To mix with our booze while watching V for Vendetta and planning our overthrow of this corrupt government. Canât forget that.)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3
Oh, and that reminds us: We need to start voting people without penises into office. For example: Dana Nessel, whoâs running for Michigan Attorney General. âIf the last few weeks has taught us anything,â Nessel said in her newest campaign ad, âitâs that we need more women in positions of power, not less. So ask yourself this: Who can you trust most not to show you their penis in a professional setting? Is it the candidate who doesnât have a penis? Iâd say so.â We think weâve given the Republicans and Democrats enough time to fuck up this countryâso whoâs ready for the âNo Penisâ party?