Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27

Who knew Canadians were so picky about who they let in? For a little over a year now, dears, we’ve been frantically searching Canada’s immigration website, looking for any way that they’ll let us in. Alas, Canadians are too polite to read snarky gossip columns, so we’re out of luck. :( But! Let’s take a sec to celebrate someone who did escape Trump’s America: Meghan Markle! Markle, an American actress best known for her roles on Suits and Fringe, is engaged to Prince Harry, a Brit best known as “fifth in line for the throne” and “the ginger one.” “In many ways, Markle’s upcoming entry into the UK’s Monarchy is radical: She’s a biracial American self-described feminist who has advocated for women and people of color on and off screen,” Jill Filipovic wrote for CNN—before lamenting that, despite Markle’s claims that she wants to continue focusing on the causes important to her, “the royal family’s requirement that such efforts be depoliticized means that advocacy can’t be particularly effective.” True! But on the other hand: She gets to go live in a palace, and that palace is not in America. So congrats, Meg! Sail across that pond and don’t look back! (Confidential to Princess Meghan: So... if there’s anyone else in the royal family looking to import a bride? We’d appreciate it ever so much if you’d drop the name of your old BFF Ann! Mwah!)


TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28

ET TU, DOBBY?

Another week, another bunch of men who are terrible! So, who’s been accused of sexual harassment and/or assault this week? Well, first there’s Garrison Keillor, the babbling monument to senility who’s been doing his best to destroy NPR for centuries, and then there’s Matt Lauer, the Today host who... um, also hosted the Olympics, we think? Lauer got the axe after one of his victims came forward with what her lawyer noted was “credible allegations of sexual misconduct in the workplace,” while Minnesota Public Radio dumped Keillor at the nearest retirement home after he was “accused of inappropriate behavior with someone who worked with him,” says NPR. Keillor, who never knows when to shut the fuck up—as anyone who’s ever suffered through A Prairie Home Companion can attest—promptly started claiming he was the one who got harassed! Mm-hmm. Sure. “If I had a dollar for every woman who asked to take a selfie with me and who slipped an arm around me and let it drift down below the beltline,” the 75-year-old lied to Minnesota’s Star Tribune, “I’d have at least a hundred dollars.” All together now: VOMIT. Well, on the upside, at least it’s only two creeps this week, and thank god, people are finally listening to victi—THIS JUST IN!Fantastic Beasts director defends keeping Johnny Depp,” reports Entertainment Weekly, writing that longtime Harry Potter director David Yates is standing by his casting of Depp in the next Harry Potter movie, despite “blowback against the film on social media due to Depp’s ex-wife Amber Heard making domestic violence accusations against the actor.” FOR THE WIZARDING PERSPECTIVE... We turn to our fellow gossip columnist, the Daily Prophet’s Rita Skeeter! “Sorry, sweetie,” Rita told us via owl post. “You know I’d love to comment, but I’m chasing down some rather troubling allegations regarding Dobby the House Elf!” Wow. Even Dobby, dears. Even Dobby.


WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Despite controlling the House, the Senate, and the tattered remnants of the presidency (though, to be fair, their repugnant candidate did lose the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), Republicans have had a hell of a time accomplishing anything in the past year—with one exception. When it comes to exploiting and damaging the environment, they’ve been on it... something that’s likely to continue. “Environmental activists and their allies in Congress... are on the cusp of forever losing the decades-long political battle” over oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, reports the New York Times—because hidden inside the GOP’s new tax bill is a provision that would allow drilling in the refuge. “Is this too sacred a ground to be disturbed by oil and gas drilling? It’s a question of what we are willing to accept as a society,” Mark Myers, formerly of the Alaska Department of Natural Resources and the United States Geological Survey, told NYT. Alas, Republicans need every vote they can get to pass their stupid tax bill—including that of Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski. “Right now, Lisa Murkowski may well represent the 50th vote, and that puts her in the driver seat to ask for whatever she wants,” says Niel Lawrence of the Natural Resources Defense Council. “The things she seems to want most is opening the Arctic refuge.” Meanwhile, the thing we wanted most was to live on a planet where just one spot wasn’t an oil-slicked environmental disaster. Apparently our hopes were too high.


THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30

Before embarking on this weekend’s roller coaster ride through hell, it’s time for a One Day at a Time Palate Cleanser™ to partially remove the taste of garbage from your mouths (implanted by terrible, garbage men). Earlier this summer, an all-girl robotics team from Afghanistan was temporarily denied visas to the US to participate in a Washington, DC competition—because... RACIST GARBAGE MEN. Well, clap your hands together, because this same team of whip-smart young ladies just won the Entrepreneurial Challenge at the Robotex festival in Estonia. Their task was to develop a marketable robotic prototype that would solve a real-world problem, and their winning entry was brilliant: a robot that uses solar energy to help small-scale farmers in their fields. WHAT? YES! According to Said T. Jawad, Afghanistan’s ambassador to the UK, these girls are “an excellent example for people around the world of what can be accomplished by young Afghans if given the right support and the opportunity to excel in their education.” Yayyy! A thousand high fives for these young women (AKA the saviors of tomorrow)! Did you enjoy that story? Good. We now return you to the Terrible Garbage Men... already in progress.


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1

Okay, remember that weekend roller coaster ride through hell we promised earlier? Allllll Aboaarrrrrd!Michael Flynn pleads guilty to lying to FBI on contacts with Russian ambassador,” writes the Washington Post. (HURRAH!) But later.... “Senate Republicans Pass Sweeping Tax Bill” reads the headline from the New York Times. (Oh fuck, we’re going to lose our health care, while rich people continue snorting cocaine off sex workers’ bottoms.) But first things first: Flynn’s guilty plea means (a) special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia/Trump investigation just took a big step forward, and (b) baaaaad news for the president (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) and his sunken-chested “Mini Me” son-in-law Jared Kushner. To convince Flynn to squeal on those above him, Mueller is only holding the former national security adviser accountable for one crime (lying to the FBI about chitty-chatting with the Russian ambassador) instead of several very serious potential crimes. Such as? Oh, just that he and son Michael Flynn Jr. helped plan the kidnapping of a Muslim cleric from his home in the US, in exchange for $15 million from the Turkish government, according to the Wall Street Journal. WHAAAAAT? So... yeah! If Mueller was willing to drop a kidnapping charge in order to get info on the Trump team? This little piggy is going to have plenty to squeal about. Stay tuned! (Claps hands excitedly!)


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2

And oh... yeah, almost forgot: The Senate GOP puked down the front of America’s shirt today by passing their tax bill designed to throw money at large corporations and rich kids, while stiffing the working class, increasing the national debt by $1 trillion, and cutting health insurance for 13 million people. But at least they put a lot of thoughtful consideration behind it and allowed Democrats plenty of time to—NOPE! “Is that a crossout?” tweeted Democratic Sen. Robert Menendez of New Jersey, pointing at a pencil-scribbled page of the massive document. “Is this page part of the bill? WHY AM I ASKING THESE QUESTIONS HOURS BEFORE WE VOTE ON IT??” And yet vote on it the Senate did, in the wee hours of this morning, passing it 51 to 49 almost entirely along party lines. And yet here’s more proof that the GOP HATES YOU: After Republicans doubled the exemptions for those making more than $5.5 million (because they need it so desperately), GOP Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley told the Des Moines Register it was deserved, because rich people are the ones doing all the investing, while people like YOU are “spending every darn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” Or rent, or food, or heat, or water, or the insurance they’ve just taken away from 13 million. Oh, and Xanax, of course! (To mix with our booze while watching V for Vendetta and planning our overthrow of this corrupt government. Can’t forget that.)


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3

Oh, and that reminds us: We need to start voting people without penises into office. For example: Dana Nessel, who’s running for Michigan Attorney General. “If the last few weeks has taught us anything,” Nessel said in her newest campaign ad, “it’s that we need more women in positions of power, not less. So ask yourself this: Who can you trust most not to show you their penis in a professional setting? Is it the candidate who doesn’t have a penis? I’d say so.” We think we’ve given the Republicans and Democrats enough time to fuck up this country—so who’s ready for the “No Penis” party?