Hello, dears! While we could spend our two final columns of the year rehashing the putrid garbage fire of 2017 that included but was not limited to (DEEP BREATH) Muslim bans, Steve Bannon, Hurricanes, MAX murders, terrible proposed GOP health care and tax plans, ICE agents, Tiki-torch racists in Charlottesville, gutted environmental protections, North Korean nuclear threats, idiot teens starting fires in the Gorge, regularly scheduled mass shootings, sexual harassment and assault, and Donald Trump’s constant diarrhea stream of lies and betrayal (DEEP BREATH), instead we’ve challenged ourselves to find the good things that happened this year... or at least things that were not completely fucking awful. Trust us when we say it was not easy! Mwaah!—Ann
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
“Being your first lady has been the greatest honor of my life,” Michelle Obama said today in her final public address as First Lady. “Our glorious diversity—our diversities of faiths, and colors, and creeds—that is not a threat to who we are,” she said. “It makes us who we are.” Oh, and: “To the young people here and the young people out there: Do not ever let anybody make you feel like you don’t matter or like you don’t have a place in our American story, because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.” Dears, Michelle Obama is just the best, and we are going to miss her very, very much. Her speech just isn’t going to be the same when Melania Trump gives it next week.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 21
Yesterday’s inauguration ceremony may have been terrible, but today was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. The worldwide Women’s March drew huge numbers in various cities around the globe, with Washington, DC alone drawing half a million—or roughly three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. (Insert sad trombone sound here.) The march was a joyous, peaceful festival celebrating people and ideas—feminism, LGBTQ and immigrant rights, Black Lives Matter, science, and the continuing greatness of America (despite all our so-called “carnage”). And it was beautiful. It was a much-needed and stark reminder that we are in charge of our destinies and country, not those who are temporarily holding down the presidency. As activist/actress America Ferrera said prior to the march, “The president is not America. His cabinet is not America. Congress is not America. We are America, and we are here to stay.” MEANWHILE... More good news! While giving an interview on the street in Washington, DC, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer (who endorses “peaceful ethnic cleansing”—which makes him a fucking Nazi in our book), got punched in his stupid Nazi face. And... it... was... GLORIOUS. While the internet debated if it was “okay to punch a Nazi” (Answer: You bet your ass it is), Spencer said that thanks to the attack, he’s now afraid to go out in public. RATS. Guess we’ll just have to punch him in private.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 28
Apparently much of America violently disagrees with Trump’s decision to enact yesterday’s Muslim Ban, because the shit... has hit... THE FAN. Tens of thousands of people took to the nation’s airports today and Sunday to voice their extreme distaste over the president’s wildly racist and hateful executive order, which led to the detainment of scores of refugees (and some green-card carrying citizens) who had the bad luck of flying on the first day the rule was enforced. While attempts from leading Democrats to help were largely ineffective, the American Civil Liberties Union came riding to the rescue. After the ACLU were granted an emergency hearing, a federal judge agreed and put a temporary stop to the deportation of these detained refugees. (Sigh! Move over, George Clooney... Ann Romano has a new crush! Confidential to the ACLU: Call us. We’re free this Friday.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 29
Best news of the week: During a celebrity hockey game, loathsome punk Justin Bieber had his smug face smashed into the glass by 6’ 6”, 220-pound former NHL player Chris Pronger! So you see? There is hope for a better tomorrow.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1
AAAAAAHHH! DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING, EVERYBODY! BEYONCÉ IS HAVING TWINS!! “We would like to share our love and happiness,” Queen Bey posted on Instagram today, along with a picture of her cradling her burgeoning belly. “We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes.” The pic—in which Beyoncé wore a sheer green veil and knelt on top of what appeared to be either a child’s science project about flowers or an elaborate funeral arrangement—immediately brought joy to the entire goddamned world, hungry for good news after an endless dirge of apocalyptic developments. As for us, dears, we’re considering Bey’s wondrous Insta post as nothing short of an omen—for, as Mercury contributor Elinor Jones tweeted, “Beyoncé would not let children be born into this misery. She knows something. Have hope.”
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23
And now, two uplifting stories of TRUE AMERICAN HEROES (who despise Trump). As a Pakistani couple wearing traditional clothing boarded Flight 1113 from Chicago to Houston, a racist hillbilly pointed to their bags and said, “That’s not a bomb in your bag, is it?” (Obviously this thoughtless bigot isn’t the hero in this story.) When passengers on the flight complained, the malodorous shithead barked, “all illegals and all foreigners need to leave the country!” With that, the flight staff told the sniveling, cowardly doorknob to collect his shit and get off the plane. So kudos to the heroic flight attendants and especially those brave passengers who, as the dim-witted slack-jawed moron left, yelled after him, “Goodbyeee, raaaaacists!” (Y’know, if racists were automatically kicked off every plane, we’d fly more often!)
FRIDAY, MARCH 17
Oh, shit! Hottie actors Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson are allegedly boning! An unnamed source whispering to the ever-dubious Star magazine claims that ScarJo and ChrEvans (?) were spotted verbally canoodling at the Oscars, and since both are currently available, there’s a likely chance they’ll be hopping on the train to BONE TOWN. Now... this is obviously a lie. But it is a beautiful lie. So why can’t Sean Spicer take a hint from Star and give us lies that are at least worthy of masturbation? This is why the Trump administration will fail.
SUNDAY, MAY 21
We all remember smirking white nationalist Richard Spencer, yes? The one who was punched on Inauguration Day? Ah, yes. Good times. Well, the good times got better this week when Spencer, who was working out at an Alexandria gym, was confronted by Georgetown professor C. Christine Fair... who didn’t punch him. But! She did rip him a nice, large new one. “Not only are you a Nazi,” she yelled at him in the crowded gym, “you are a cowardly Nazi. I’m sick of your crap... I find your presence in this gym to be unacceptable, your presence in this town to be unacceptable.” Soon after slinking away to whatever hole he crawled out of, Spencer discovered his gym membership was revoked. Not quite as sweet as a punch, yes... but just think! Now that Spencer is gym-less, he’ll be flabbier and easier to punch than ever!
THURSDAY, MAY 25
Today’s good news: “Jared Kushner Now a Focus in Russia Investigation” reports the Washington Post. Yessssssssssss! According to sources close to the subject, the FBI is investigating the smirking frat-boy son-in-law of the president “because of the extent and nature of his interactions with the Russians.” Yessssssssssss! Apparently he held many long private meetings with the Russian ambassador as well the head of Russia’s state-owned bank—and yet? Somehow Kushner forgot to mention those meetings when applying for his White House security clearance! “Look, I’m not gonna stand for this,” yelled Jared Fogle, former Subway spokesperson now serving 15 years in prison for possessing child pornography and having sex with a minor. “I’M THE WORST JARED, okay? Why does every Jared in the world think he can take my spot? (Sob!)”
THURSDAY, JUNE 8
It’s... COMEY DAAAAAAAAY! That’s right, the day when everybody suddenly had “emergency dental appointments,” but actually wound up in a bar to watch former FBI director James Comey testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee. The highlights in case you missed it: Comey said Trump lied about the FBI being in disarray; Trump is being scrutinized by the FBI, if not currently under direct investigation; Comey handed over all his memos about Trump to special counsel Bob Mueller; former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was under investigation when he was fired; and Trump pressured Comey to stop investigating Flynn and pledge his loyalty to the president. In short—hooray! A-plus testimony—would listen to Comey testify again.
Tune in next week for more sort-of, kinda, pretty good news stories from 2017! (And when you return, don’t forget to bring mama a martini, mmm-kay? There’s a dear.)