Marlowe Dobbe

Dears and darlings! Last week we brought you a bevy of not-so-terrible stories from 2017 (just to prove there were some). And this week, we’ve dug up even more juicy dollops of goodness from the latter part of the absolute worst year ever! So stir up a martini, dears, and get ready to feel almost hopeful about 2018! Mwwwah!—Ann


SUNDAY, JUNE 18

OMG! OMG! The biggest day of all is finally here!! According to People, “Beyoncé and husband Jay Z have welcomed twins.” Which must be why the heavens cried sweet tears of lemonade-flavored joy, the gray skies parted, and we didn’t even feel the need to drink six martinis before bed. Hopefully we’ll be able to maintain this state of utter bliss if Bey and Jay don’t give their perfection twins names that are absolutely celebludicrous. Hmmm, actually, that’s not a bad name for twins... Celeb and Ludicrous.


THURSDAY, JULY 13

THE CORSET CAPER Dia Dipasupil / getty images

Okay, everybody relax! As it turns out, Kim Kardashian is not—we repeat NOTforcing her four-year-old daughter North West to wear an actual corset. To be clear, it just looks exactly like an actual corset. Big diff, okay? We mean, sure: The Kardashians are known for wearing actual corsets (AKA waist trainers), like, all the time. Sis Khloé even Instagrammed herself wearing a corset to workout sessions—because, of course, right? However, when little North was pictured earlier this week wearing a cute orange dress with what appeared to be an actual corset on top? Well, let’s just say the internet did what it does best... it went ape-shit haywire, accusing Kim of forcing her daughter into an Elizabethan torture device. BUT GUYS! Kim Kardashian would never do that, okay? “I would never put my daughter in a corset,” Kim cried on Twitter following this simply outrageous accusation—even though, as mentioned earlier, her family wears them all the time. “It’s a dress I bought that is a cotton fabric that laces up & looks like a corset!” So, everybody got that? Kim is absolutely NOT confining her child in an oppressive, constraining apparatus designed to reduce her waist to the circumference of a quarter. North is currently wearing a non-confining training corset—that is, until she’s eight and can wear the real thing. WE ARE GLAD WE CLEARED THIS UP.


THURSDAY, AUGUST 10

While Taylor Swift is unquestionably annoying, she hit a home run today for victims of sexual assault. Quick recap: Former country radio DJ David Mueller was fired after being accused of groping Swift’s bottom during a 2013 photo shoot. He denied the grope, and filed a lawsuit against her for $3 million. T-Swift said OH HELL NO, countersued (for $1), and appeared in court today to deliver a satisfying smack-down to her accuser. Referring to the ass-grabbing photo, Mueller’s lawyer asked why the front of Taylor’s skirt was down instead of up. Taylor quickly responded, “Because my ass is located in the back of my body.” BAM! When he asked why she was standing closer to Mueller’s girlfriend in the photo, Taylor shot back, “She did not have her hand on my ass.” BAM 2! And when the lawyer asked if she was critical of her bodyguard who could’ve stopped the attack, Taylor closed with, “I’m critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.” BAM 3, AND KNOCKOUT! The judge quickly dismissed Mueller’s claim, and while we won’t forget that Taylor’s privilege and wealth afforded her the opportunity to fight back against her oppressors, this was a solid WIN for TEAM WOMAN. (It’s also a great idea for a TV show: Taylor Swift, Attorney at Law.)


THURSDAY, AUGUST 24

GOOPY PANTS Mat Hayward / getty images

Today in news to make you say, “Tee-hee-hee-YAAAAS”: Enemy of the people Gwyneth Paltrow is in moderately deep doo-doo with the Truth in Advertising organization that wants regulators to investigate her lifestyle website Goop for misrepresenting its products. These consumer watchdogs have released a list of more than 50 (!) examples of deceptive advertising for products Goop endorses... such as a Carnelian crystal which supposedly “eases period cramps [and] treats infertility.” This is blatantly untrue because... umm... it’s a rock? Other Goopy products include body stickers that are supposed to relieve inflammation, a hair treatment meant to help depression, and vaginal eggs, which apparently keeps your uterus from slipping. (In Gwyneth’s defense, we’ve slipped and fallen on our uterus a number of times, but getting our vagina steamed is what cured us. Or at least that’s what our crystal says.)


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

On Tuesday President Trump yanked the rug out from underneath young undocumented immigrants by allowing Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) to expire. Horrible as it may be, it did provide a springboard for the sweetest internet burn of the week, courtesy of beloved diva Cher. Infuriated by Trump’s chickenshit move, Cher hopped on Twitter and vowed to take Dreamers into her home and protect them. But because no good deed goes unpunished, Trump supporter Brenda Webb (AKA @bwebb56 who calls herself a “believer in Jesus” and a “positive person,” eww) responded sarcastically to Cher’s offer to take in Dreamers, writing, “Sure you will Cher... I’ll believe it when I see it!” Cher’s response? “Then keep your eyes open bitch.” That’s when Brenda Webb’s Twitter account burst into flames, and the internet squealed and ran around high-fiving each other. IN A RELATED STORY... “Then keep your eyes open bitch” will now replace “In God We Trust” on all American currency.


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

It’s a very good day when you read a Washington Post headline like this: “Martin Shkreli jailed after Facebook post about Hillary Clinton.” YAAAAAS! Shkreli is, of course, the walking piece of excrement who jacked up prices on an AIDS medication by 5,000 percent. Anyway, a federal judge revoked Shkreli’s $5 million bail after he offered his Facebook followers $5,000 to yank a strand of hair out of Hillary Clinton’s head during her book tour. Though the misogynistic shithead apologized, the judge was unmoved. “This is a solicitation of assault,” said US District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto. “That is not protected by the First Amendment.” BOOM! Shkreli was immediately sent to Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center—where MONSTERS LIKE HIM BELONG. Hmm... what’s that rotten smell? Oh, it’s Shkreli. Rotting. In. Jail.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22

Because we refuse to end this week in a dour, soul-crushing manner, know this: The mostly Black students of Mississippi’s Davis Elementary School (named after Confederate asshole president Jefferson Davis) petitioned to have their school renamed—and they won. Starting next year, these kids will be attending Obama Elementary... and no, we’re not crying. These are martini tears of joy.


THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 2

For 11 beautiful, perfect minutes, the world righted itself, and hope sprang anew... because Donald Trump’s Twitter account was temporarily deactivated. Those searching for the latest nonsensical/racist screed from our tweeter-in-chief were met with the blaring proclamation, “Sorry, that page doesn’t exist!” Had Twitter FINALLY stopped its hypocritical support of a war-mongering, fact-mangling, fear-spreading president? Of course not, silly! It was an anonymous hero among their ranks, who, during his or her last day as a Twitter employee, deleted the president’s despicable account on their way out the door. While much of those 11 minutes were filled with confusion over what had happened—our fave theory was Special Counsel Robert Mueller slipping into the president’s DMs to look for Putin love notes—when Trump’s Twitter account returned, it was like he’d never left. (Sigh.) But while we may never learn the name of the rogue former Twitter employee, we must forever honor this national hero who gave us 11 wonderful minutes of much-needed silence. (How about changing Columbus Day to Rogue Twitter Employee Day?)


TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7

VICTORY! Danica Roem for Candidate

Today was Election Day, and while this particular election meant fuckall for Portland voters, elections elsewhere in the country were a bigger deal: Danica Roem “made history Tuesday night,” reported Vox, by “becoming the first openly transgender person to be elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.” Roem, 32, trounced 73-year-old Bob Marshall—an idiot who proposed Virginia’s discriminatory “bathroom bill,” an idiot who refused to call Roem “she,” and an idiot who refused to even debate her. Congrats, Danica! (And Bob? We’ll tell you what we tell all bigoted, fear-stricken geriatrics: Thanks in advance for dying off soon, thus making the world better for the rest of us.) 


TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12

In a nail-biter of a special election, tonight Democrat Doug Jones defeated accused pedophile/racist Roy Moore to claim Alabama’s empty Senate seat. And while one might hope that the majority of white residents had finally come to their senses, as usual it was Black voters—and Black women in particular—who rallied and put Jones over the top (even though many were not particularly thrilled with this particular Democrat). So make no mistake as we depart the steaming heap of burning rubbish 2017 leaves behind: Let’s all make 2018 the year we recognize Black woman magic—because it is surely the only thing that’ll save us.