MONDAY, JANUARY 1

TRANSFORMATIVE
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Happy New Year, darlings! It might be tempting fate to say this, but... so far, 2018 actually seems pretty good? At least compared to the horrific grotesquerie that was 2017? How about that! TO WIT... “Transgender individuals can openly sign up for military service for the first time starting Jan. 1 after the Trump administration announced Friday it will no longer challenge the enlistments,” reports USA Today! “This is a major victory in the litigation and great news for transgender troops, transgender military academy and ROTC students, and transgender people who have been waiting to enlist,” Shannon Minter of the National Center for Lesbian Rights told USA Today. While you won’t ever see us in fatigues, dears (the closest we ever came was a profoundly ill-advised Dr. Martens phase in high school), we offer our congrats to all who can now serve... and who are doing so in direct opposition to the wishes of the Trump administration! Two victories for the price of one!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2

TRUMP’S LI’L BUTTON
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Soooo... remember when we said it might be tempting fate to say 2018 was going pretty well? Well, yeah. It was tempting fate. Today, American despot Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) began a mature, reasonable, and productive dialogue with North Korean despot Kim Jong-un! “North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the ‘Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times’,” Trump tweeted. “Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!” Ah, a good, old-fashioned dick-measuring contest—this time with nuclear apocalypse on the line! Shortly after Trump boasted about his Cheeto dick, the New York Times brought up an inconvenient fact: “Despite Mr. Trump’s tweet that he has a ‘much bigger & more powerful’ button than Mr. Kim, the fact is, there is no button.” Oh god. We’re less than 48 hours into 2018 and we’re already terrified, disgusted (Cheeto dick!), and exhausted. At least after the threat of nuclear war, the rest of this week will have to be more chill.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3

JK! LOL! UGH! Today New York magazine published an excerpt from journalist Michael Wolff’s gossipy book, Fire and Fury, which allegedly takes an inside look at Trump’s White House... and ooh, it’s a doozy, with highlights including the fact Trump never expected to win (“The leitmotif for Trump about his own campaign was how crappy it was and how everybody involved in it was a loser”); that Trump’s former BFF, Steve Bannon the Hutt, deemed the campaign’s meetings with Russia “treasonous” and “unpatriotic”; that Trump eats Big Macs because he thinks they’re safe (“He had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald’s—nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely pre-made”); and that Ivanka is planning her own presidency (“The first woman president, Ivanka entertained, would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be Ivanka Trump”) and makes fun of her father’s hair (“The color, she would point out to comical effect, was from a product called Just for Men—the longer it was left on, the darker it got. Impatience resulted in Trump’s orange-blond hair color”). Phew—and that’s not even half of it! We left out the part about how Trump is believed to be “no more than semi-literate,” how he couldn’t pay attention when the Constitution was explained to him (“I got as far as the Fourth Amendment before his finger is pulling down on his lip and his eyes are rolling back in his head”), how Trump’s buddy Rupert Murdoch, kingpin of Fox News, considers him “a fucking idiot,” and how—when Trump unexpectedly won the presidency—he “looked as if he had seen a ghost,” while “Melania was in tears—and not of joy.” We’re certain everyone involved in this will respond in a mature, reasonable, and productive manner.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 4

A+ MARKETING!

“I authorized Zero access to White House (actually turned him down many times) for author of phony book,” President Trump impotently screeched on Twitter, referencing Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury. “I never spoke to him for book. Full of lies, misrepresentations and sources that don’t exist. Look at this guy’s past and watch what happens to him and Sloppy Steve!” Okay, two things about that: If Trump didn’t give Wolff access to the White House, why was he allowed inside almost every day for literally months? And if the book is phony, why isn’t Trump saying that “Sloppy Steve” Bannon’s quotes are phony as well? Oh, and third question: WHY ARE WE TRYING TO APPLY LOGIC TO SERIAL LIAR DONALD TRUMP? Ugh! Never mind! MEANWHILE... More Fire and Fury blowback! After the Trump administration tried to “cease and desist” Wolff’s book out of existence, publisher Henry Holt and Co. was like, “Mmm... okay, we hear what you’re saying, but instead we’re going to release the book five days earlier.” And so they did, and so it sold out within hours. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE... In a clearly backward attempt to prove he’s mentally capable of performing his duties, Trump tweeted that contrary to what Wolff wrote, he’s actually “like, really smart” and a “very stable genius.” Well, that should satisfy anyone who’s witnessed Trump’s repeated batshit crazy actions. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE... Later in the week, Business Insider reported that after being shut down during an interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper for not answering direct questions about the book, Trump’s senior suck-ass Stephen Miller had to be escorted out of the building by security after refusing to leave the studio. (They may not be “stable geniuses,” but Trump’s team are reverse-marketing Einsteins! PLEASE MAKE US FAMOUS TOO!!)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 5

DUMB PUMPERS
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Oregon, we love you—but sometimes? Please be quiet, you’re embarrassing us. The Washington Post reported a new law taking effect this week allowing Oregonians in 15 rural counties to pump their own gas, and... cue embarrassing responses. “I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian... I say NO THANKS!” wrote a clearly confused person on KTVL’s Facebook post. And: “I REFUSE to pump my own gas,” another person embarrassingly wrote. “This [is] a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.” And with that, Oregon became a national laughingstock on social media. Speaking of new laws, if we need a license to drive a car, how about passing a mental competency test before being allowed on Facebook?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6

Though an extremely minor story in comparison to everything that’s happening in the world today, it must be told. First: Singer Meghan Trainor is engaged to the now grown Spy Kids actor Daryl Sabara. (!) Second: They were photographed this week coming out of a sex shop with what one Twitter user called “a bag full of dildos.” (!!) Third: Congratulations for being in love and buying a bunch of dildos. We approve of this union. Fourth: Sabara is wearing a Space Jam T-shirt. (!!!) And fifth: He’s also wearing toe shoes. (!!!!!!!!) Meghan, we’re sorry dear, but we can no longer sanction your impending nuptials. And we’ll take those dildos, too.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7

While still a tad bit early, practically the entire internet agrees on one thing: Oprah Winfrey should run for president in 2020. Tonight, on a women-dominated edition of the Golden Globes, which featured attendees dressed in all black and accompanying activists to bring attention to sexual harassment and abuse, Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing, emotion-packed speech that brought the audience (and internet) to its feet. “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have,” she said. “So I want all the girls watching here and now to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women... and some pretty phenomenal men, are fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say ‘Me too’ again.” And while political pundits are making a case for a possible 2020 run, Oprah remains coy on the subject. But is it too much to dream of a ticket that includes Oprah—and while we’re dreaming—Michelle Obama AND BeyoncĂ©? (BeyoncĂ© could be vice-vice president. We know, we know... but let’s not bog our dreams down with details.)