MONDAY, JANUARY 1

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Happy New Year, darlings! It might be tempting fate to say this, but... so far, 2018 actually seems pretty good? At least compared to the horrific grotesquerie that was 2017? How about that! TO WIT... âTransgender individuals can openly sign up for military service for the first time starting Jan. 1 after the Trump administration announced Friday it will no longer challenge the enlistments,â reports USA Today! âThis is a major victory in the litigation and great news for transgender troops, transgender military academy and ROTC students, and transgender people who have been waiting to enlist,â Shannon Minter of the National Center for Lesbian Rights told USA Today. While you wonât ever see us in fatigues, dears (the closest we ever came was a profoundly ill-advised Dr. Martens phase in high school), we offer our congrats to all who can now serve... and who are doing so in direct opposition to the wishes of the Trump administration! Two victories for the price of one!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 2

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Soooo... remember when we said it might be tempting fate to say 2018 was going pretty well? Well, yeah. It was tempting fate. Today, American despot Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) began a mature, reasonable, and productive dialogue with North Korean despot Kim Jong-un! âNorth Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the âNuclear Button is on his desk at all timesâ,â Trump tweeted. âWill someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!â Ah, a good, old-fashioned dick-measuring contestâthis time with nuclear apocalypse on the line! Shortly after Trump boasted about his Cheeto dick, the New York Times brought up an inconvenient fact: âDespite Mr. Trumpâs tweet that he has a âmuch bigger & more powerfulâ button than Mr. Kim, the fact is, there is no button.â Oh god. Weâre less than 48 hours into 2018 and weâre already terrified, disgusted (Cheeto dick!), and exhausted. At least after the threat of nuclear war, the rest of this week will have to be more chill.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3
JK! LOL! UGH! Today New York magazine published an excerpt from journalist Michael Wolffâs gossipy book, Fire and Fury, which allegedly takes an inside look at Trumpâs White House... and ooh, itâs a doozy, with highlights including the fact Trump never expected to win (âThe leitmotif for Trump about his own campaign was how crappy it was and how everybody involved in it was a loserâ); that Trumpâs former BFF, Steve Bannon the Hutt, deemed the campaignâs meetings with Russia âtreasonousâ and âunpatrioticâ; that Trump eats Big Macs because he thinks theyâre safe (âHe had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonaldâsânobody knew he was coming and the food was safely pre-madeâ); and that Ivanka is planning her own presidency (âThe first woman president, Ivanka entertained, would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be Ivanka Trumpâ) and makes fun of her fatherâs hair (âThe color, she would point out to comical effect, was from a product called Just for Menâthe longer it was left on, the darker it got. Impatience resulted in Trumpâs orange-blond hair colorâ). Phewâand thatâs not even half of it! We left out the part about how Trump is believed to be âno more than semi-literate,â how he couldnât pay attention when the Constitution was explained to him (âI got as far as the Fourth Amendment before his finger is pulling down on his lip and his eyes are rolling back in his headâ), how Trumpâs buddy Rupert Murdoch, kingpin of Fox News, considers him âa fucking idiot,â and howâwhen Trump unexpectedly won the presidencyâhe âlooked as if he had seen a ghost,â while âMelania was in tearsâand not of joy.â Weâre certain everyone involved in this will respond in a mature, reasonable, and productive manner.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 4

âI authorized Zero access to White House (actually turned him down many times) for author of phony book,â President Trump impotently screeched on Twitter, referencing Michael Wolffâs Fire and Fury. âI never spoke to him for book. Full of lies, misrepresentations and sources that donât exist. Look at this guyâs past and watch what happens to him and Sloppy Steve!â Okay, two things about that: If Trump didnât give Wolff access to the White House, why was he allowed inside almost every day for literally months? And if the book is phony, why isnât Trump saying that âSloppy Steveâ Bannonâs quotes are phony as well? Oh, and third question: WHY ARE WE TRYING TO APPLY LOGIC TO SERIAL LIAR DONALD TRUMP? Ugh! Never mind! MEANWHILE... More Fire and Fury blowback! After the Trump administration tried to âcease and desistâ Wolffâs book out of existence, publisher Henry Holt and Co. was like, âMmm... okay, we hear what youâre saying, but instead weâre going to release the book five days earlier.â And so they did, and so it sold out within hours. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE... In a clearly backward attempt to prove heâs mentally capable of performing his duties, Trump tweeted that contrary to what Wolff wrote, heâs actually âlike, really smartâ and a âvery stable genius.â Well, that should satisfy anyone whoâs witnessed Trumpâs repeated batshit crazy actions. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE... Later in the week, Business Insider reported that after being shut down during an interview with CNNâs Jake Tapper for not answering direct questions about the book, Trumpâs senior suck-ass Stephen Miller had to be escorted out of the building by security after refusing to leave the studio. (They may not be âstable geniuses,â but Trumpâs team are reverse-marketing Einsteins! PLEASE MAKE US FAMOUS TOO!!)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 5

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Oregon, we love youâbut sometimes? Please be quiet, youâre embarrassing us. The Washington Post reported a new law taking effect this week allowing Oregonians in 15 rural counties to pump their own gas, and... cue embarrassing responses. âI donât even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian... I say NO THANKS!â wrote a clearly confused person on KTVLâs Facebook post. And: âI REFUSE to pump my own gas,â another person embarrassingly wrote. âThis [is] a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.â And with that, Oregon became a national laughingstock on social media. Speaking of new laws, if we need a license to drive a car, how about passing a mental competency test before being allowed on Facebook?
SATURDAY, JANUARY 6
Though an extremely minor story in comparison to everything thatâs happening in the world today, it must be told. First: Singer Meghan Trainor is engaged to the now grown Spy Kids actor Daryl Sabara. (!) Second: They were photographed this week coming out of a sex shop with what one Twitter user called âa bag full of dildos.â (!!) Third: Congratulations for being in love and buying a bunch of dildos. We approve of this union. Fourth: Sabara is wearing a Space Jam T-shirt. (!!!) And fifth: Heâs also wearing toe shoes. (!!!!!!!!) Meghan, weâre sorry dear, but we can no longer sanction your impending nuptials. And weâll take those dildos, too.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 7
While still a tad bit early, practically the entire internet agrees on one thing: Oprah Winfrey should run for president in 2020. Tonight, on a women-dominated edition of the Golden Globes, which featured attendees dressed in all black and accompanying activists to bring attention to sexual harassment and abuse, Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing, emotion-packed speech that brought the audience (and internet) to its feet. âWhat I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have,â she said. âSo I want all the girls watching here and now to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women... and some pretty phenomenal men, are fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say âMe tooâ again.â And while political pundits are making a case for a possible 2020 run, Oprah remains coy on the subject. But is it too much to dream of a ticket that includes Oprahâand while weâre dreamingâMichelle Obama AND BeyoncĂ©? (BeyoncĂ© could be vice-vice president. We know, we know... but letâs not bog our dreams down with details.)