MONDAY, JANUARY 15

WAR GAMES
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Welcome to One Day at a Time, dears—and WORLD WAR III. “Across the military, officers and troops are quietly preparing for a war they hope will not come,” reports the New York Times, noting the United States Army is ramping up exercises and drills that simulate foreign invasion by air, moving supplies under live fire, and setting up infrastructure to quickly move troops overseas. [We now interrupt One Day at a Time, dears, to drink an entire martini in one panicked gulp, and we encourage you to do the same.—Ann] While the NYT adds that these exercises are “are ostensibly part of standard Defense Department training and troop rotations,” they also note that “the scope and timing of the exercises suggest a renewed focus on getting the country’s military prepared for what could be on the horizon with North Korea.” [We now interrupt One Day at a Time, dears, to express gratitude that we live in Oregon, where cannabis is legal, and where we just ate one of Hubby Kip’s “Wowie Zowie Brownies,” the contents of which are 100 percent guaranteed to knock us the fuck out for at least 12 hours and thus make us stop hyperventilating. We encourage you to do the same.—Ann] Turns out those oh-so-hilarious, oh-so-unpredictable gibberish ramblings of Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) has made “senior military leaders and rank-and-file troops convinced that they need to accelerate their contingency planning.” Huh! And with that, dears, we’re going to... yes. We’re just going to kick off our Manolo Blahniks and take a quick little nap—for say, about 12 hours or so—and try to forget everything we just wrote! We encourage you to do the same.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16

ONE STAR
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Ah! Tuesday! Here we are, fresh as a daisy, and not thinking about Monday at all. So! What’s happening today? Let’s turn to the White House Press Secretary and... oh. Dammit. “Sarah Huckabee Sanders used the official White House press secretary Twitter account,” writes the Hollywood Reporter, “to complain about her son ordering a Batman toy.” “Alexa, we have a problem if my 2 year old can order a Batman toy by yelling 'Batman!’ over and over again into the Echo,” tweeted Sanders (who, as an enabler of Trump’s racist, misogynist, classist, and war-mongering whims, has neither a conscience nor a soul and is complicit in his crimes). “That government account, which has more than 2.5 million followers, is the official account for whoever is the press secretary,” writes the Reporter, adding that the Batman toy her son received cost $79.99. So, while Sanders using an official Twitter account to whine about Amazon is disturbing, look on the upside: Her two-year-old son, screaming nonsense into a microphone—the same thing his mother does professionally!—managed to actually make something happen. And they say the Trump administration can’t accomplish anything!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17

“President Trump is in excellent overall health and achieved a perfect score on a cognitive test that the president requested as part of his first formal medical exam since taking office,” says the Washington Post! So that’s a relief! Apparently Trump—who’s just a bit self-conscious about the fact people think he’s senile and insane—“requested a cognitive exam to put the issue of his mental fitness to rest.” And he aced it! Great! Oh. Wait! ABOUT THAT TEST... “The assessment he took includes asking a patient to name several animals, draw a clock with the hands at a certain time, copy a cube, and recall a short list of words,” the Post continues, adding, “It is not a psychological exam.” Once again, dears: Trump’s “exam” included identifying animals, telling the time, copying a cube, and remembering a few words. In other words, an unofficial, kindergarten-level “test” that even we could ace—after five Wowie Zowie Brownies. IN NEWS THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE RELATED... “Amid the lowest approval rating in the first year for a president, voters are also questioning Donald Trump’s mental stability,” writes Politico, citing an ABC News/Washington Post poll. “Forty-eight percent of voters think Trump is mentally stable, versus the 47 percent of voters who think he is not.” The only thing shocking about this, dears, is that 48 percent of voters think he’s stable. Are those voters feeling okay? Can we see if they can copy a cube?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18

Yesterday, in the spirit of “open debate,” the New York Times devoted their entire letters page to the opinions of Trump voters—which included this quote from INSANE Trump supporter Steven Sanabria of Oakdale, California: “Who knew that all it would take to make progress was vision, chutzpah, and some testosterone?” Fuck YOUUUUUU, Steven Sanabria, and fuck YOU too, New York Times—first for penning that awful sympathetic profile of a neo-Nazi last November, and this week for giving more foul-smelling airtime to vicious, willfully ignorant dullards like Sanabria... because NEWSFLASH! Trump supporters already have plenty of “voice” thanks to Fox News, Breitbart, Drudge Report, Wall Street Journal... shall we continue? OKAY: Daily Caller, The Blaze, National Review, and that’s just the iceberg’s tip of outlets that parrot and promote Trump’s nonstop verbal diarrhea of “testosterone”-filled “chutzpah.” Or as Portland’s own Lawrence Rosencrantz (yay!) sarcastically wrote to the NYT in response to their monumental fuck-up, “Perhaps the Times should devote an entire editorial page to flat earthers? For dialogue and understanding, of course.” (Psst! Maybe we shouldn’t be giving the NYT any ideas!)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19

STORM’S A-COMIN’
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As dutifully reported last week, in 2016 President Trump’s lawyer paid $130,000 to adult film actress Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about her adulterous sex fling with the future president. (Hmm. None of the Trump supporters in the NYT mentioned that. Weird.) Daniels denied the affair—but unfortunately for her, In Touch magazine has released a 2011 interview where she (after passing a polygraph test) spilled the beans about her affair with Trump—and of course the details are HILARIOUS. Fun Trump Fact #1: The president is “terrified of sharks,” Stormy told In Touch, adding Trump said he “would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.” Fun Trump Fact #2: Trump told sex partner Stormy that she reminded him of his daughter (probably Ivanka EWWWWWWWW!). Fun Trump Fact #3: When Stormy brought up Trump’s wife Melania, he responded, “Oh, don’t worry about her,” and quickly changed the subject. Fun Trump Fact #4: According to a report in Mother Jones, Stormy also claimed that the president asked her to spank him on the bottom with a copy of Forbes. (Today Trump would probably prefer to be spanked with the NYT’s pro-Trump letters page... but again, let’s not give anyone any ideas.)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20

Oh, hi! The government shut down today. Despite Republicans controlling the presidency, Senate, and the House, they were unable to muster up enough votes to avoid a shutdown, which—WEIRD COINCIDENCE—happened on the one-year anniversary of Trump’s presidency. There was an already agreed upon bipartisan deal, which involved protection of the Dreamers, and funding the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP), but Trump’s “shithole” comments blew that deal apart. (Hey NYT! Can you ask your voiceless Trump-supporting pals why they think he’s such a great dealmaker?) But make no mistake: Though the president and Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell are laying the blame of their colossal failure at the feet of the Democrats, Trump was the one who reversed DACA. And Republicans allowed funds for CHIP to run out last September. So basically, this entire shutdown drama is a lie that was built upon lies. THIS JUST IN: On Monday, the impasse ended when Democrats agreed to vote for a short-term spending bill that would fund the government in exchange for an immigration deal from the GOP by February 8. Was this a good move? We think this tweet from @jordanuhl accurately sums it up: “Thinking you’ll negotiate with Mitch McConnell in good faith is as smart as assuming the loan you gave to a gambling addict is going to be repaid with interest.” Remember this day on February 8.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 21

But we shall not finish this week without reminding you that WOMEN WILL SAVE THE UNIVERSE. This weekend, hundreds of thousands of women and male allies around the globe took to the streets to bring attention to three indisputable facts: Trump should be impeached, the #MeToo movement is here to stay, and in 2018 a new wave of women politicians will be taking back our government. Need proof? According to research from the Cut, at least 49 women (so far) are vying for Senate seats, while a whopping 390 women are running for the House of Representatives. These are women that are changing the face of America... so maybe the NYT should hand their letters page over to them.