MONDAY, JANUARY 22

YOU GET A RAISE!
JOE RAEDLE /
GETTY IMAGES

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Please enjoy the following rare burst of good news—because if the past few years have taught us one thing, it’s that good news doesn’t last. FIRST UP... Soulless, flavorless coffee mega-corp Starbucks has announced raises and stock grants for all its American employees, plus “new benefits aimed specifically at workers with family caregiving responsibilities: paid time off to care for sick family members and paid paternity leave for hourly employees,” writes the New York Times! Starby’s bennies come as part of a larger movement—one that also involves businesses like Walmart, Amazon, and McDonald’s—in which American corporations are finally starting to offer all their employees the things that workers in other countries take for granted. “The United States is the only industrialized country not to mandate paid parental leave,” the NYT points out. “Employers choose whether and how much to offer, and this varies greatly.” It’s worth remembering that things like paid parental leave aren’t “benefits” so much as “basic human decency”—and when denied, they disproportionately affect women, people of color, and the working poor. While there’s still a lot to be done to make things equitable for American workers—like paid sick leave, consistent schedules, and a livable minimum wage—this is a start! (Oh, and to every American business that isn’t offering things like paid parental leave? If employee-abusing businesses like Walmart and Amazon can do this, so can you. Make it happen.) IN OTHER GOOD NEWS... This week, the governors of Montana and New York signed executive orders that require internet providers to uphold net neutrality! It’s one way, at least, to fight back against Trump’s FCC and giant telecoms like Comcast—and to ensure a free and open internet. (Oh, and Gov. Kate Brown? If the governors of Montana and New York can do this, so can you. Make it happen.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 23

“Sixteen people were wounded, two of them fatally, after a shooter opened fire Tuesday morning at Marshall County High School” in western Kentucky, reports CNN. “Four others sustained various injuries.” The victims were between 14 and 18 years old; the shooter is 15. Not only was this the area’s second school shooting—in 1997, a nearby school shooting resulted in three deaths—but, CNN adds, it “came one day after another school shooting,” when a 16-year-old in Texas shot a 15-year-old. “Gunfire ringing out in American schools used to be rare, and shocking. Now it seems to happen all the time,” writes the NYT, noting that the Kentucky shooting was “one of at least 11 shootings on school property recorded since January 1, and roughly the 50th of the academic year. Researchers and gun control advocates say that since 2013, they have logged school shootings at a rate of about one a week.” We don’t have anything to add to this. Just take a moment: Look at those numbers, and think about that math.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24

“The accidental missile alert in Hawaii earlier this month made real for 38 terrifying minutes the vague, low-level dread that permeates American life today: Nuclear war seems closer and more real than it has in a generation,” writes Wired. Hey, thanks, Wired! Why would you even mention... oh. “The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists moved its Doomsday Clock 30 seconds closer to ‘midnight,’ an unofficial barometer of how close the world stands to a man-made catastrophe,” Wired continues. “It now stands two minutes away.” “To call the situation ‘dire’ is to understate the danger,” ominously warned Rachel Bronson, the president of the Bulletin, while Wired pointed out that the Doomsday Clock “hasn’t sat this close to midnight since 1953”—when America and Russia were first testing thermonuclear bombs. IN RELATED NEWS... Annnd according to the ding! we just heard from the kitchen, the microwave timer on Hubby Kip’s “Hot Pocket Clock” has reached zero—meaning in about 45 seconds, he’s going to come charging into our office, face lathered in pepperoni and cheddar, and demand that we watch Shark Tank. We realize it’s not nuclear war, dears, but it’s times like these that feel like our own personal apocalypse.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 25

For those who thought Donald Trump (remember him? He lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes?) would never be dumb enough to fire Special Prosecutor Robert S. Mueller... we say, “Oh, you silly fool!” Because according to the New York Times, that’s exactly what he attempted last June—but he was stopped at the last second when White House Counsel Don McGahn threatened to quit if Trump went through with it. Is this enough to prove he’s guilty of obstruction? Well, as Natasha Bertrand of the Atlantic wrote on Twitter, “To recap [the president’s journey to obstruction]: Trump asked Comey for loyalty; asked him to drop the Flynn probe; fired Comey; pressured Sessions not to recuse; pressured Sessions to fire McCabe; pressured Coats, Rogers, Pompeo & multiple congressmen to say he wasn’t under FBI investigation; and tried to fire Mueller.” MEANWHILE... Today Trump said to reporters that he was “looking forward” to answering all of Mueller’s questions under oath. (And after the jaws of Trump’s inner circle hit the ground, they booked the next flight to any country without extradition laws, and set their offices on fire.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 26

I’M JUST FINE, THX!
Ryan McGinley

Today, in “Reasons to Never Sleep with Republicans”: In remarks made on Facebook, Missouri GOP senator wannabe Courtland Sykes had some verrrrrry interesting complaints about feminism, including that all women (especially his daughters) should focus on “home-based enterprises” (read: cooking and cleaning) so they don’t become “nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils.” BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! “Radical feminism [has a] crazed definition of womanhood,” he wrote. “They made it up to fill their own nasty, snake-filled heads.” Now see... here’s where Sykes is getting confused. How can our “nasty” heads be full of radical feminism and, at the same time, crammed with snakes? Add in our constant mantra, “NEVER HAVE SEX WITH REPUBLICANS EVER,” and there’s really no room left! MEANWHILE... According to Us magazine, Janet Jackson will not—repeat, not—perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show with Justin Timberlake. Why? Because the last time, IT DIDN’T GO WELL. As you probably recall, Justin exposed Janet’s breast on national TV and everybody freaked the fuck out. (Because... EEEEEE! A BREAST!!) Janet’s career never fully recovered from the incident, as she was blacklisted from MTV, VH1, and radio; harassed by the FCC; and slut-shamed by conservatives and the religious right. But shockingly, Justin’s career was just fine! After refusing to stand up for Janet, Justin went on to become one of the top pop artists in the world, and was enthusiastically invited back to this year’s Super Bowl. Soooo... surprise! Janet won’t be there! (Because who wants to get thrown under the bus twice?)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27

“BREAKING NEWS: President Trump has declared he is not a feminist,” tweeted talk show host/oblivious twit Piers Morgan. In the Morgan interview, Trump reportedly said, “I wouldn’t say I’m a feminist. That would be going too far. I’m for women, I’m for men, I’m for everyone.” BREAKING NEWS: We already knew Trump hates women! Because BREAKING NEWS: He’s said degrading things about women for his entire adult life, and has been accused of sexual harassment or assault by at least 20 women (that we know of). Also BREAKING NEWS: President Trump thinks “feminism” means hating men, when in actuality, it’s just about equal rights, full stop, thank you for shopping One Day at a Time! Oh, and one final BREAKING NEWS: President Trump is not “for women... for men... for everyone,” he is for one person and one person only—the big, orange, demented man-baby that is President Trump. (But BREAKING NEWS: We guess you already knew that, huh?)

SUNDAY, JANUARY 28

Tonight was the Grammy Awards! While primarily an express train to Snoozeville, the Grammys did produce two items of note: (1) Along with other celebrities, Hillary Clinton read a passage from Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury (about Trump’s love of McDonald’s hamburgers)—and oh, sweet Jesus, it burned! In response, UN Ambassador/goddamn bore Nikki Haley sniped on Twitter, “Some of us love music without the politics thrown in.” (Apparently Nikki has never listened to any music ever.) And (2) as you know, Broadway singer Patti LuPone is a fucking national treasure and brought the Grammy house down with her performance of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” from Evita. But she also slayed on the red carpet: When asked what she would do if President Trump ever came to see one of her shows, she responded, “I hope he doesn’t, because I won’t perform if he does.” When asked why, she summed it up thusly: “Because I hate the motherfucker. How’s that?” THAT WILL DO JUST FINE, O GREAT AND GLORIOUS QUEEN! Have a good week, everybody.